Hereditary Kink

This post isn’t really about me and my kink in the slightest, but aimed primarily at those I have gotten to know of the five years of this blog as you have watched from the kink sideline as muggle Drew faced some hard realities of aging that have absolutely nothing to do with whether my dick is currently encased or not (fyi, not, because Ax thought I might be sad and just now let me have my way with him).

This post is, yet again, all about my Mom. For those relatively new to me, my mother is my hero. In sitcom comparisons she was the Julia Sugarbaker of real life and in movies she was the Skeeter of The Help. She has a doctorate in English and was a brilliant professor in her time. She was also a black-balled Southern Belle and I strongly remember as a kid watching her endure a Junior League meetings at the Country Club with a look in her eye that told me she would have almost preferred to be on fire than to be there at that moment, “but a woman”, as she said, “had a duty to the community”, so she stayed.

Sadly, a bit more than two years ago she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, at 72, which is much younger than most, and we have watched the disease begin to take it’s toll on her despite the best abilities of my father, my family, and some strategically based calls I made calling in connections from around the world trying to find something to help. However, she may one day be part of the cure, but for her, she is on the wrong side of progress and we realize that now it’s just a matter of time as MOST of that woman I described above has already left the planet, though there are occasional glimpses.

The reason she was mentioned so much in this blog was due to the fact that I always did, and still do, believe that she knew about me fucking Thumper on the side.  This was because she would throw some loaded questions out to me, such as, “and just how is your married bisexual friend in Minnesota doing? And that sweet wife of his, how is she?” or my favorite, “Are you getting what you need out of your relationship with your friend?” or her very direct questions to Axel such as “when Drew travels, especially North, do you get to see anyone special, you know, for drinks and things?” The first time she asked him that I believe she had a specific reason, but when she saw that he turned purple, white, and a bit blue all at the same time as those words registered in his mind, his reaction likely caused her to ask him similar things over and over again just to get a giggle or two. In reality, whether she did/does know or not was irrelevant to the fact that I was taking away an endorsement of sorts, from her, with, at least in my head,  a “you go live your life and fucking have fun in the process” type of takeaway. I mean, in reality who doesn’t want their mother to endorse an outside of non romantic boyfriend without working genitals due to the fact that they have been locked by his wife type relationship? I mean, really, don’t we all want that?

However, these were not JUST the reasons I would talk about her here either as through aging, and then the disease, glimpses of my parent’s sex life has leaked with things said from her like “well, your father always liked it when I was mean to him” or the casual threats, clouded in dementia, about spanking him when he had forgotten something threatened as recently as two months ago at Thanksgiving. These things, added to other comments like “well, you father always liked a good threesome” and “I don’t know why he pretends to make decisions” have made me think that my Dad was and is a submissive to my Mother in sex and in life.

In looking back, I don’t actually remember my Dad making many decisions at all about where we went to school, where we vacationed, and how they paid their bills. As a kid, ATM’s were a new thing and I distinctly remember an argument they had where he had not been giving her his receipts and “balancing his allowance”. These are things that were just normal to me and never caused me to pause as that is just how it was and, frankly, how I preferred it because she was always the parent I would go to if I needed anything. In addition to these things, I was a sneaky, nosey child and always remember finding a whip under her side of the bed and him having a box with some restraints, plugs and other items that looked primitive to me, even thirty years ago. As they aged, they made no bones about discussing the fact they had an active sex life, but, again in hindsight, she talked and he just silently acknowledged. Even as he approached 80 years old, he was able to go to many femdom websites, and some bisexual ones too, which is a fact Axel and I know quite well as he was able to get there, but never able to easily get out and we’d often have to avert our eyes while trying to release a MacBook with a frozen OS  or delete the pic of the gagged man with the small Asian woman brandishing a paddle that he had somehow managed to save as wallpaper to both his MacBook and iPhone. Please know, these are not things I am judging either of them on and, when not actually thinking about the fact that they are my parents and these are acts they would do together while naked, I was pretty damn proud of him for still having the appetite at his age.

I say all those things as a background because now, the man who allegedly deferred every decision to his allegedly dominant wife is now finding himself absolutely paralyzed as he has to make the ultimate decision of when enough is enough and when he has to stop trying to take care of every minute part of her because the time has come that she needs to live in a memory care facility for HIS health and not just hers. This is now a reality based on several things that have happened over the holiday period as she rapidly advanced in her disease within a period of three weeks, but the biggest factor is the love of his life is now being mean to him, and not in the way I suspect he used to like it.

I am also not implying in ANY way that the decision to move a spouse away from home I ever easy regardless of which side of the leash said spouse was on, but the whole thing has made me wonder if in Dominant and submissive relationships is there a place where one needs to be taught to take control or be comfortable with it. The reality is that I am maybe just “romanticizing”  the D/s aspects of this as a way of trying to come to my own terms with what is happening because I know my mother would have told him years ago that this was what was expected of him (again, in hindsight, she always used words like “expected” and “required” with him) when the time comes and that he is not failing her as a sub, a spouse, or as whatever it was they defined it to be.

For me, my approach to him has been very different than that of my sibling as she is taking the “it’s what is right” approach with him, while I have now started the “you realize you have not failed in your duties to Mom” approach with him, trying oddly to talk to the sub side of him without any creepiness because he is my father and/or that I am implying anything about the dynamics of their marriage to him. I know that in my own marriage, sex and kink aside, in the days after Ax’s accident and subsequent surgeries, it would not have mattered if he were my slave or I his, because my job was to protect him and us regardless, so maybe that is just what I am dealing with with the parents.

But, I just don’t know. This is a post I hope Ferns, Thumper, Mrs F and others will respond to from a Dominant female submissive male POV, and this is not specifically about my father but other ACTUALLY KNOWN submissive males and/or females, but does taking away the power in a relationship mean that it is not capable of returning when it needs to? or are after 50+ years is any dominant side dead? (again, in hindsight, never once in my life was I scolded by my father, it was always by my Mother). And, if so, how do we help these people when they are face to face with it?

For me, because of the switchiness of my personality, I think one should be able to pop up and do what is needed when assuming whatever role is necessary, but I am sure that doesn’t play like that in the end as I honestly think my father feels he is failing and is lost without Her direction.

In closing, there is really nothing that CAN be answered by this nor do I think any answer will change anything as this is likely me just processing on “paper” and going off into a little tirade as I am have spent my holidays touring memory centers and talking to old people. The one thing in ALL of this that does make me happy is that I kinda am proud to have continued to keep kink in the family and even though they would never know it or that I would ever tell them, the kink positive vibe my parents put out, regardless if intentional or not, made me strong, made me proud, and, despite some questioning here and there and what specifically it is, still makes me happy to be my perverted self.

16 Comments

  1. I’m truly sorry to hear about your parents. I can only imagine the challenges you and your father face.

    On the lighter side, your mom’s subtle references about Thumper and your dad are among my all time favorite blog posts!

    Wishing you and your family the best!
    – Hapa

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  2. Drew, dementia in all of it’s stages is extremely difficult. Having witnessed it first hand with my Grandfather and then later on my Aunt, his oldest daughter succumb to this horrific diease. What you can do for your father is be there as much as possible. He needs to understand that he has done everything he can for his love, and that now is the time he needs to take care of himself. There is no shame and shouldn’t be any guilt in that. I understand the thinking of that generation all too clearly as my parents are in that same age range. You as the diligent and loving son will just show him that everything will be as it should. She will always be his and he will always be hers. I feel that is the same for yourself and Axel. It’s never easy watching your love ones slip away bit by bit, but hold strong to your dad, your sister, and also to your self. You are all going through this as a family, and with hardship comes togetherness. All my best, Scott

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  3. Been there, done that though not ever in the light light of D/s …..bleach on my brain now as I even contemplate that scenario briefly.. But the approach that worked best for was “sometimes taking care of someone does NOT mean physically taking care of them any longer. Sometimes it’s about ensuring they are in a place where they can BE proper cared for even if it’s by others.

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  4. I understand where you are completely. After my father’s death I had to assume power of attorney both medically and fiscally for my mother (also alzheimer’s). It is not easy, regardless of one’s sexual orientation or proclivities to face the fundamental of having to make the hard decisions for someone you spent you entire life looking up to even if and when you disagreed with them.
    He will need all your help, regardless of of whatever they did sexually; the woman he chose to be at the center of his universe is slipping away and no-one can stop it.
    Love him, support him. Be there. Listen. He will need it.

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  5. Thank you for sharing.. support him..even if he is not sub , he will be lost without her. That is the way of devoted men. I wish it was different for you and your family… s nding hugs to you, Dad and yours

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  6. Drew,

    So sorry to hear of your mother’s situation. Your sharing of her comments in your blog were truly some of my most favorite and memorable. Just know that you and your’s are in our prayers.

    Sincerely,
    ncpb

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  7. I am so sorry to read this post learning of your Mom’s Alzheimer’s progression. It is very sad and indeed a struggle watching a parent struggle with any disease. Sending positive energy your way in hopes that it will help you, your Dad, and Axel.

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  8. Drew, I’m so sorry you are faced with this situation. *hugs*

    Since you’ve invited input, I would expect that it might work well to frame the questions to dad in terms of what did mom want and what would mom say if we could ask her. Perhaps more than switches, /s types after enough time become very aligned with the D/‘s wishes. Dad may have trouble coming up with his own position but I would bet he can much more easily channel how She would have directed him. You might even be surprised to find one day that she wrote something down that only he knows exists, and he may have forgotten it or be too embarrassed to bring it up. Also bear in mind that depending on the type of /s he is, he may simply lack the ability to drive the bus in this way. Conversely, it may be that at whatever point be feels released he might surprise you, though I think you would have seen evidence of that by now.

    Regardless, I think “doing the right thing” will in dad’s mind be a function primarily of what mom subjectively would want, and less of any external ethical standard. All this dovetails reasonably well will respect for patient autonomy, so hopefully it goes better than you might presently be expecting.

    Know though, that as mom becomes less coherent or more combatative, that’s going to be extremely difficult for dad. It’s hard anyway but it might be the first time he has really ever had to seriously contravene her wishes, and that starts to touch issues of his identity. It may help to keep pointing out that Mom 1.0 would approve the choices, even if right now Mom 2.0 doesn’t.

    Good luck and Godspeed,
    TSPD

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  9. Reading this, the first thing I thought about was “guided decision making.” It’s what I often do with/for my husband when he’s struggling with information overwhelm or otherwise has to make a decision himself (rather than being able to defer to me). It’s what I would hope my family would do with/for him if ever he has to make a major decision about my care if I should be somehow incapacitated.

    Your dad is likely in a mixed state mentally/emotionally right now, and if he’s used to her taking the lead with decision-making (whether it’s part of a larger-scope lifestyle/dynamic or otherwise), he will need someone to guide him in the (new, emotionally-laden) process of making decisions.

    You may need to be that guide.

    That means talking through options – starting with the best/most-obvious/doctor-recommended/insert-prioritizer-here FIRST – and not moving on from that until he’s given a clear ‘yea’ or ‘nay’. It means asking memory-jogging questions and making clear, concise statements as to what *you* know/feel/perceive; not for the purpose of dictating how he should proceed, but so that there is a clear shoreline for him to wash his own ideas/feelings/opinions against.

    Go slowly. Be patient.

    Right now is not the time for “Here’s options B, C, Q, M, and Z. Pick one.”

    It’s, “This is option A. Here are the facts about option A. How do you feel about option A? What questions do you have?” repeated as often as needed until it’s clear. And if, in its clarity, option A is a no-go for Dad, THEN (and only then) you do the same with option B.

    Etc.

    Essentially, you have to filter information and prioritize it.

    Instruct, allow for pushback, guide.

    I would also strongly recommend sourcing a list of questions he can answer yes/no to in terms of his expectations for her care. Nursing care facilities often have a version of this they go through with patients and families — everything from bathing preferences to dining times to medication management to DNR decisions. They are designed to help family members make decisions about the care of their loved-ones when they otherwise don’t know where to start or how to proceed.

    I’ve been through this with clients, in very similar situations. And I do this as part of my job – even though it’s not technically part of my job – more often than not. I do not claim to have any kind of expertise, but I *do* have experience.

    Hopefully some of it will be helpful in managing your own experience.

    I wish you and your father both patience and peace in this process. Sending warm thoughts your way.

    xoxo

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    1. Dear Mrs Fever,

      I like your guided questions and not offering too many options. I am going through something similar with a friend who has Parkinson’s and recently had a bypass and is struggling to recover. He needs to make a lot of life changing decisions and it is overwhelming. I will try this with him. Thanks again!

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  10. I am so sorry you and your family are going through this, Drew :(. Caring for aging parents in various ways is so hard, not least because you have to see them struggle.

    I love Mrs Fever’s response.

    For me, what I have to offer is this: My mother was sick before she died. My parents had a traditional relationship, and what that meant in practice was that my mother did *everything* in their actual lives, while he worked. She cooked, kept the house, did all the chores, made appointments, did all the emotional labour with family, arranged things with friends, she did ALL of that. She managed their lives.

    And it is a terrible thing to say, but it’s still true: Her having to be looked after in the last couple of years was a kind of blessing for my dad. Because he had to learn how to do all of that for himself and for her. And what he learned then, as awful and difficult as it was, is SO important to his quality of life now.

    To directly answer, I think ‘care as service’ is a way to frame it and that care means doing what is best for her AND for him (because she would want him to take care of himself also).

    I obviously have no idea how your parents live their lives, but for my dad, a valuable effect of his having to care for my mum was learning ‘how to be’ on his own, how to look after himself, how to create and manage a social life, how to cook and clean and organise, and manage his life. I think a temptation can be to ‘do for him’ because he is going to struggle in all of the ways. And he doesn’t have to take it all on, things are hard enough. But if he’s not used to doing those things, it’s a time to start encouraging it within the context of caring for her (e.g. even if she is in assisted care, cooking her treats, bringing friends to visit, making sure the house is schmick for a visit home etc are all good things for him to start to do (if they are not the kinds of things he is used to doing, maybe they are)).

    *hugs*

    Ferns

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  11. Drew
    We don’t know each other but I have been following your blog for a while. Love reading your stories.
    Can all too well relate to what you’re going through with your mom, having done something similar with my mom a few years ago.
    I agree that Mrs Fever gives wonderful advice. When you see the look of relief on your mom’s or dad’s face when they can make decisions in this way, you’ll know you are serving them at a time and in a way that is nourishing to them when they are most vulnerable. Your acts of filtering and patience will be everything to them, and you.
    Having said this, I encourage you to seek alternative approaches to resolving Alzheimer’s too. Lots of research out there on the benefits of certain types of nutrition, MCT oil, CBD, etc., some credible non-mainstream research even going so far as to mention turning Alzheimer’s around. I don’t want to offer false hope, but if trying something as simple as this and seeing the benefits, it might be worth the effort. All up to you of course.
    Sending you love,
    Emm

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  12. My boy Drew, I think you’ve done you parents very proud.

    It’s certainly a difficult time, and one I can relate to, albeit on a slightly different level.

    Going through my dads phone messages recently I stumbled across some interesting messages he had sent a “friend”. If I hadn’t known it was his phone, I would have sworn I’d sent it to boy Mack.

    Initially I was a bit shocked (seriously – do parents have sex), but then realized with so many people saying I was so much like dad it was a real compliment. Seems the Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

    You pose some highly interesting questions in your post, but I have no answers for you. You are there for your family and that is the key thing.

    Regardless of any decisions or outcomes, take your time. Use what you’ve learned from you parents to help guide them now.

    Proud of you.

    Jeep. Xoxo

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