In this whole “Drew explores kink” journey thing I expected to find many different things as I explored my Dom, sub and switch sides. Of course, as the way one’s mind tends to trail, I thought the known was already explored and that, in this journey, I would only find things that were all new, all illuminating, and all delightfully twisted. In many ways I have found all of those things including my sub-letting of Thumper, my new fascination with having my encased penis all over the internet, and multiple new friendships that have already changed the legacy that I will one day leave.

Recently, on some random day doing some random thing, I found the one thing I never expected to find:

My husband.

In the 20 years that I have known Axel, I know with 100 percent certainty that I have loved him every single day of those 7,300 days next to him. I also know that, while I have always been sexually attracted to him, I haven’t been great in showing that to him as I have always put sex on the the third, fourth, or even seventh shelf below whatever was most important at that current time be it work, family, friends, or even boyfriends on the side who have rabbit like names. As we know, it’s all a wicked balancing act and, with a weird professional life that sends me odd places all over the world (by the way, hello from Tasmania) every single week, I, well we, allowed it get out of balance from time to time.

However, something has changed and, while I suspect half of you are thinking my next sentence will start with divorce, it’s honestly the absolute farthest thing from the reality as, I have, honestly, just re-fallen in love with my husband in a way that mixes the 13 year old girl obsession with an unexplored submissive side that has resulted in me calling him Sir more than a few times recently. These things, also combined with a new level of respect for him as a human being, have also led to this creepy smile on my face that just simply won’t go away right now. Apparently, whatever it is is contagious, because he seems to have done the exact same thing with me. Seriously.

Of course, through the years, we have had waves of new re-connective-ness, but none of them felt like this and none of them lasted. Now, he and I are almost giddy again, which is something two men pushing 50 should never be seen in public doing. When I left for this three week trip down under where I am now, I felt like I had been hit in the gut by a bowling ball because I was being crushed by a feeling of sadness that I don’t think I have had when apart from him for years. This was a good thing and I am proud that I could still even have that level of deep emotions and he and I have kept that up in our daily calls and facetimes.

On the kink side, I realized that I have been trying to make him be my version of the dream dominant I wanted and, God love him, he tried so hard to change himself to be that too, but we couldn’t force that. But, in this new wave of “us” there is no “changing” for either of us as we each just are who we are and that day a few weeks ago when we just looked at each other and his natural dominance was just shining from behind his eyes. I ate it up.

From that moment on, he had me again, however he wants me, because I want to see that glimmer in his eyes every single day of my life. That glimmer creates a desire in me that, after 20 years, is fucking fun.