Kink and Career

Hi from an empty random airport in an empty random town in the Northeast.

I have been struggling about what to do with this blog, which is no secret, as chastity was and likely is still the predominant theme, but my interactions with Thumper are now either very hot or very cold, my interactions with others haven’t been much to write about – and I have been weird about that ever since being ghosted by a Carolina Dom who I had grown to like – and all I seem to do is work, despite telling myself I was going to cut back this year.

But, a few days ago I got an email from a young kinky guy asking about how I balanced the fear of my private life interacting with my public, professional life. I think he thought I was an anchor man or a spy or something way more fun than my current title suggests, but we had a nice discussion about things and how this blog had helped him come to terms with some of his kinks, wants and needs. He told me that he wants to be an executive, like me, and he worried that he could not have that and kink too. I laughed when I got that because I think of myself many, many ways and I think I am pretty good on the work level, but executive is never a word I use. This is made even more funny because it’s actually the first word of my work title followed by a senior and two more words where one rhymes with resident. So, I guess I am one though if one saw me now in running shorts, a long sleeve t-shirt, chastity bump and running shoes you might wonder.

Like me, he wanted to concentrate on money, career, the two German cars and a picket fence and shove his kink interests to the side until he thought he was ready to unleash them.  I told him I understood that because that was me as well and now we have the career, the two German cars, and I have an iron gate which, in my neighborhood is the equivalent of the picket fence. In my head, we don’t have the money yet, but also know we do not lack in any area where we want to either and that is a comfortable feeling, though hardly ones that is complete in my head.

I think I may have surprised him when I told him that when I look back at the ladder I climbed, my decision to hide my kink until my mid 40’s is now and will likely always be my biggest regret. I watch some of the younger guys I know from Twitter or the like and they seem to have these great groups of friends where they have bonded in what, at least on the surface, seems to be lifelong friendships formed in and out of kink which has to give many of them a nice feeling of security when they find themselves in the self examination modes. My advice to him was to stay there, find his pack of people and live every day naked, locked and happy because, in 20 years that opportunity may not exist or not be something he can claim if his public title of CEO limits where and when he can go to an event. For me, my job does not prohibit that and I would likely be just fine if I splashed my mug everywhere, but I literally have too much anxiety to allow that to happen in any way that would allow me to have pure, fully disclosed fun. But that’s me.

Now my caveat to him was to never forget who he wants to be when making decisions now as I was referencing this 28 year told I know from Twitter only who was a young banker and gym freak but then met a man who wanted him to gain weight, get lots of tattoos on his neck, his hands and and his face and, now he has decided he is gender fluent and wears house coats and refuses to use a  male or female identifier. I think he’s crazy, in a non judgmental way, of course, because I can almost guarantee he will never be able to straddle the line because, while white corporate America has come a long way, it’s never going to be that open, especially in the banking world where he wants to be. But, he may have found his true self and, if that is the case, yay for him, but I just worry he didn’t think past his dick and didn’t have a good mentor to at least attempt to show him an alternative.

So, what the fuck am I saying?

I really think that guy who wrote me was torn and I am happy I was able to give him some perspective on climbing the ladder or cage wall – and I really hope he decided on cage. So, maybe this switches to a kinky career advice blog, or one about turning vanilla partners into Masters )(thanks to Peter’s guest post last week.), but the main thing is it’s not dead nor do I intend it to be.

In closing, I want to express that the lack of building kink friends is a regret, but I worked hard to build myself and would likely make the same choices again, even if warned, I would likely not change a thing as I happy to have gotten to where I wanted to be.


  1. Great post, dualdrew! I think you gave this young guy wonderful advice. I too wish I would have embraced my kink sooner as there is nothing more fulfilling than being your true self.


  2. Dear Drew,

    I think people in their 20’s grew up with Social media and have found a different way to gather information and make like minded friends. With access to the internet, discovering & learning & accepting to be kinky is much easier than it was for us, now in our (late) 40’s, when we were 20sth
    I agree with you, do not put your kinky desires on hold to build a career, within the right circle one should be able to do both. Experiencing a good kinky relationship can be helpful in a corporate environment.


  3. Reading this as someone in his 20’s but also as someone who works in a profession that sets significant constraints on his kinky life, I’m glad you were able to provide him with some guidance, and I’m really glad that you seem to have found a new path going forward for your blog. I do wonder, however, how much of the young kinky guy’s struggle had to do with the two images of himself he might see as as incompatible—aspiring to become professionally successful, and desiring to be sexually submissive. Though possible, it isn’t likely that exploring his kinky side (as long as it is done in moderation) would prevent him from focusing on career advancement. There are also ways to manage inconveniences of the lifestyle such as chastity bumps. (The situation for the other guy you mentioned is clearly much different, of course.) It thus seems to me the conflict he struggled with was possibly more of a psychological one. And if that’s the case, he might indeed very much *want* to “find his pack of people and live every day naked, locked and happy”—it’s just that side of his identity might not seem “executive-appropriate” to him.


  4. I’d say @Meno got it in one there.

    Sure, this might be a thing:
    > in 20 years that opportunity may not exist or not be something he can claim if his public title of CEO limits where and when he can go to an event.

    It’s a thing for very few of us. For the most part, kink and career are completely compatible. Any worries about whether one can submit privately and still be “the man” in the job, well, rip those out root and stem. It’s time to have more definitions of what “being the man” can mean.

    And if, 20 years from now, he’s in that CEO chair and the US of A remains as sexually repressed as it is now, well, that might mean private events then with close friends. No sense in worrying about that now.


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