Am I the only one who, even after 14 days of this, finds yourself a little turned on by everyone using phrases like “locked down”, “locked up”, and the like? I think some of that is the 13 year old boy in me that giggles in my head when someone says the word “plug” or “penis”, but is interesting that so many people are talking about having personal freedoms taken away like it’s ALWAYS a bad thing. I argue this when I can look down at my metal dick and find a hug sense of comfort knowing that freedom HAS been taken away via my own doing.
It’s funny, of all the ways I ever thought I would describe chastity, “comforting” was never a word I thought I would use. However, for me that is a constant that hasn’t changed one bit since being locked down because it is constant no matter where and what is happening in the fucked up world.
Like most of the world, I am home indefinitely. There are some amazing pluses to this as I have gotten to actually sleep in my actual bed next to my husband, cuddle with my dog, and just enjoy the fact that right now it’s 6:00pm, the sun is out, Ax is cooking, and I am home to see it all. In time, I know I am going to look back at these weeks and miss them terribly, but right now I want to run down to the mall, shop at every store, and eat at every restaurant.
I suspect that if you have read these posts the last few years you might have guessed I am a tad Type A (just a tad). Out of control is not a phrase I deal with well. Combine that with suddenly being in the same place when used to spending 200+nights traveling, and life is fucking odd. I know I am lucky, my job is safe (for now – I am just a worrier), and, in fact, even busier than two months ago. These things, combined with the fact I haven’t been exposed to the virus means I have nothing to complain about in reality, so I am just going to say this is weird while not officially not complaining about what I cannot control. But I want to.
What I can complain about is I didn’t follow doctor’s orders and walked a bit too much on my stress fractured foot, so that fracture became a break and I am now on crutches and have a scooter on order for the next 6-8 weeks which sucks like mad and is 100% my fault. I am trying to pretend it’s a weird extended bondage scene, but so far I have failed to trick myself. Though I am a tad excited that I did upgrade the scooter to have all terrain wheels (with air) AND a basket, I am still dreading the next few weeks like fuck.
All of these things have made me think about my switchiness, and my desire to control and be controlled. Could the lack of life control I am feeling now be rectified by a Dom controlling me? Or would I feel more in control if I were directing a sub? It’s an an equal feeling rooted in the unequal-ness I crave on both sides, so I wonder which, if either, would rectify this weirdness?
At the moment, it’s the sub side of me crying out for control and I am lucky that Ax and our coach of sorts are willing to help me with this. When the original two week lock down was mandated, Ax and I had grand plans to start this again. Then a life event happened (more in a later post), we paused which worried me when I thought this might be only a two week thing, but now that we are looking at, according to my boss, 8-12 more weeks of this, so cross your fingers we can get this right this time. Maybe.
One day I will write more about some of my internal oppositions to my own fantasies and desires, but that’s not now as I would rather write about how I overcame them versus cowered to them. I know that is not the best way to do this (remember I am married to a therapist who likes to share his thoughts) but it’s the way I need it to happen so maybe the end story will be my drive to just finally fucking give in.