Getting old with giant sex toys

Just a word of warning, today we are discussing age and getting older which I have learned, is not for the weak.

Like many of you, I am old enough to remember a time when people traveled freely between states and the American passport could take you anywhere you wanted to go, cause you still had a job and could save up afford it. And though I long for the days past, I have settled into a new rhythm that has me actually working more than ever and, ironically, 2020 is my best professional year in my career. But, that’s the only thing positive I have to say about it.

A few months ago I turned 50 an age I neither dreaded nor looked forward to. However, I have waited to write this as I am still not sure I like being 50, but mostly it’s because within a week of my birthday, quarantine happened, I re-broke my foot, and my mother died. The next week, my college roommate died of a brain tumor, the woman I used to call a second mom died of COVID, and every single thing I was used to doing professionally for the last ten years changed instantly. It was fuck 50 big time, even though I know it really wasn’t my birth year’s fault (1970 RULEZ).

The deaths sent me into a spiral and I started counting that if I were like my mother I had 24 more years left or if I did this, I’d be this, and so on and so on. I worried about 50 being the end of my sex life or the end of ever being attractive to anyone. I realized that if I did still have hair, it would be all gray. You know, all those fun things one does when they get into that cycle. However, I started to question the other way as to what I was scared of. I mean, just from my kink friends alone, I have inspiration such as with my Australian girlfriend Ferns, who is so beautiful it’s not fair, but she turned 50 and showed a nude pic and not a single bit of that slowed her down. I looked at Thumper who is WAY older than me and he can still talk about his metal penis ad nauseam and people still are engaged and this does not even begin to speak about what he can do with his ass. So, they gave me hope that sex and, maybe more importantly, sexuality will and can continue.

That made me think why I was so worried about it and, one night a few weeks ago when I was scrolling Scruff (you all know I love the apps to look at and/or talk to strangers – an introverts delight) I realized that the fear of 50, or the fear of middle age, had been at least visually perpetuated by all the mother fuckers out there who lie about their age and think that somewhere between 49-52 is the most believable age for them. While I have never understood why someone would lie about their age and then expect to meet someone, I also don’t understand especially why you’d not pick an age you can pull off. So in scrolling, I found 15 men who said they were 50. Three or four of them looked great. Good skin, some wrinkles, but they looked like me in many ways, so I will assume they are actually 50 as I really can’t fathom why one would lie up in age.

Going through the rest was a man who, if he really was 52 as he said, would have qualified for having had the hardest life on record, as he looked stunningly horrible for 52. Down the boxes from him was another guy who was listed as 51 and though he looked better than the first one, he went on to say in the text that he had two grown kids and three grandchildren – two of which were in college. I mean, I grew up in and live in the deep South, so that is technically possible, BUT, do the math, this dude had to be pushing 70. Then there was the 49 year old who had JET black hair that was so dyed it was almost purple, deep inset wrinkles that only come from 100 years in the sun, and he was wearing an Abercrombie shirt that we ALL know should never be worn past the age of 27.5.

I just wanted to know why they did this because what had occurred to me is that THIS is what I thought 50 looked like since internet dating started. I mean, yes, I know people age differently, but so many people who had been so “clever” in not accepting their age had created a group of guys below them who feared looking like that at their real age. I didn’t want that, but that is what I thought I would be, apparently.

So, I asked them. Yes, I know, that is almost the equivalent of me being in a strip club once in college and trying to ward off a lap dance – FROM A WOMAN – by asking her if her Mom knew what she did and if her Nanna had ever seen her perform, but, I decided why not. (I never knew what happened that day but I did not get a dance and my friends were asked to take me home).

So, the 52 year old really was 61 and was stunned that I could tell he wasn’t the age he said he was. Stunned. He said he looked amazing. I offered to stand next to him to see but he declined. He thought I was rude. I said he was a liar. I promptly got blocked

The 51 year old with grandkids was actually, get this, 67, and he said he had not aged a single day since he was 51, so he used that age and he has never been turned away. He declined to tell me if he had many second dates. I then got blocked.

The 49 year old. Well, sadly, he actually was only 51 and even I could not fine a way to gently tell him he looked awful. I think I said something like “a more welcoming picture might do wonders for you” and then, this time, just to feel the power of the block, I quickly blocked him first.

I really don’t know why I think this was something post worthy, but, I do think that if you are a man, especially a gay man for whatever reason, do not base what you think you will look like or be from any of these apps -unless he’s hot, muscular and 51 – lol – and for God’s sake, post your real age. I think the biggest point is don’t be afraid of getting old and, if you are, look to the real ones of us who have hit these milestones and still continue to tweet about naked body parts, abusing the willing, and giant sex toys going into tiny places. The reality is that it truly is what you make it, so make it worth it.

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