Submission and self respect

Two posts in one day? This. Is. Madness.

But, this morning I wrote the first post with something on my mind and what I wrote did not really address it, though it did skim the issue just a bit as I started talking about the need to make a sub be regarded as less than human or less important, from either the dom OR the sub.

Some of this is based on someone who reached out to me about two months ago wondering whether he had done the right thing in losing himself to his Master. Never one to resist a story, I asked him (we will call him Howard though I actually don’t know his name) to fill me in and talk about what was worrying him. Turns out, he is an early retiree (mid 50’s), financially secure, previously married to a woman, a former executive who, after bravely coming out as gay 10-15 years ago, finally decided to embrace his kink side and his desire to be submissive to a younger Master. He didn’t have to search long and soon found a younger Master, who I think is early 50’s, in New York City (sub is in, I think, Texas) who has some experience, though I don’t know much about him. Within two hours of their first phone call, Howard was “collared forever” and was instructed to change all of his social media to reflect his new status. I can see that, deal with that, whatever, but then Howard lost his name. His “Master” named him a dog name and told him he was never allowed to speak in first person again. Howard ate that up as most into those things would do for 16-18 minutes, but the novelty wears off fast (especially when a grown man with a Maserati refers to himself as it over and over again). That rule added another rule and another rule and here we are two months ago when Howard reached out to me. It was an unsafe place for Howard mentally and he was now locked “permanently” in an eBay’d knockoff Holy Trainer for which he paid $11. Now just forget how I feel about people buying knock off cages where the design has been completely stolen from a chastity company for just a second and then think about being locked “forever” in a device so inexpensive that you’d have no idea what was inside it or if with every shower you were releasing some toxin into yourself. Who knows. When Howard talked with me he had not taken it off, even to clean, in three weeks because “his Sir had not allowed it.” I didn’t respond about that other than to say that likely wasn’t the best idea, but that was just me. The clincher here was I asked him if his Sir had taken the keys when he locked him and he responded that “he plans to give them to him when they meet” – when they meet? This man had changed all his accounts, stopped using his name and locked himself on a sketchy device for someone he had not met? Turns out, they had not even Zoom’d. I tried not to judge this as these things work for some guys, but he had messaged me and he had asked.

So, I finally asked him why he was doing it, what was drawing him to that, and IF he truly thought of himself as less than human not deserving a pronoun and he said “No, not in the least” so I asked why is he doing it and submitting to this man he doesn’t know. What he said shocked me. He said that he thought it was the only way this worked and that everything he had seen was like this and that his Sir had offered him the chance to live a version of his dream. This man literally built a company, cashed out and then retired, but he was so insecure about his kink that he allowed himself to be degraded just because? IF he wanted it that way, great, but he didn’t as far as I could tell. Also, I was worried he was being taken advantage of in some way and, while he did admit to having bought a gym membership for his Sir, he would not say if he had sent him any money, but I do worry about that too. Ultimately he is a grown man and all of this was his choice, but I hate that secrecy and apparently shame took him on this path.

I told him that I thought he needed to do some research, that I thought he deserved better, that I thought he could be whatever he wanted to be sub wise without losing his self worth, etc, etc.

He thanked me and then either deleted his Twitter account or blocked me within 10 minutes.

I guess it wasn’t ready to re-evaluate.


  1. People are not always ready to hear a different opinion, even if it is meant as help or even useful.
    At least you two talked, and maybe, after his first reaction, he will think about it more and hopefully make a more informed decision.

    PS. I got confused, 2 posts?

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Jeez, if this post doesn’t make me sad as f*ck. As a self-identified ‘bedroom-only’ sub, I’ve had a fair number of unsolicited opinions regarding my ‘true dedication to submission’ thrust upon me. Thankfully, I know who I am. I know the authenticity of my submission. And I know said submission is valued by my husband/dom. There is no single ‘right way’ to offer your submission. My sincere hope for Howard, and for all subs, is they find their path to fulfillment…in whatever form of submission they ultimately decide works for them.

    I also hope your words were heard, Drew, as they were (in my humble opinion) good ones.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. What pains me is that Howard thought that was the only way to submit because it’s what he saw on social media. There’s a lot of that indeed on Twitter for example, but it’s only part of what some D/s relationships look like. Everyone is different. Some will get turned on and will prefer to be referred to as “it”, and others will still prefer to be valued and respected as a human. It’s important to be patient and submit to a Dom when there’s a good match.

    Those are things we learn with experience anyway. So Howard will probably also come to the same conclusion. He just needs some time.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Poor Howard, his desire for attachment seems to be very deep, and he seems to be sacrificing a lot of authenticity to get it.

    As for being un-equal, I don’t think of it that way. These are intentional, hierarchical relationship. Heirarchy can absolutely exist without devaluing the person lower in the hierarchy. Look at the military. Most senior officers I know would NEVER claim to be superior as people to their reports. And everyone is expected to be competent and empowered. That just happens in an agreed upon hierarchy. It’s not about power over, it’s about authority.


  5. I see this all the time with new F/m submissives and I usually have little patience for it: Grown men jump into these things with the first person who shows any interest with not one second of self-education or research or effort to learn anything. It’s frustrating.

    Mostly the impact is financial and mostly it’s relatively minor: Newbie [het] malesubs will inevitably strike either scammers or unethical findoms because legit, experienced, ethical dominants (lifestyle, pro, fin, doesn’t matter) do not EVER jump all over a newbie in the way Howard described. Not once. Not ever.

    Along with anything else, not washing while wearing a dodgy device is a high risk for infection or other badness :(.

    Howard, if you’re reading this, back out of this relationship, spend some time learning, reading, talking, exploring. Join Fetlife, read discussions, find local groups, read some books (see my annotated non-fiction book list here), take your time. Much much better and safer is out there. I wish you the best of luck.


    Liked by 1 person

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