Drew asked me to come over here to put my side of the recent evolution of our relationship on the record. It seems as though some (including Drew when he first read it) thought my post about it over on Denying Thumper left the impression we were ending our little experiment in hot kinky sex. NO, not at all.

I think we both entered into our relationship (and I can’t think of a better word than that since it is a relationship but not like, you know, a relationship) with excessive exuberance. Neither of us having had someone on the side before, we were both very excited at the prospect and, candidly, probably a little unrealistic as to what the appropriate scale of the relationship should be.

I wrote in my other post that our dynamic has to “live in whatever air pockets exist around our ‘real’ lives.” I like that metaphor because it suggests a finite amount of time and energy available in life for relationship-type stuff and, for me, that’s especially true and the last week really showed that to be the case. So, in order to ensure I didn’t end up crying in the fetal position on the floor of an emergency room somewhere, we had to modify parameters.

As I also said in my other post, what we both want out of this is a friend with which we can have hot kinky sex. What I thought that meant was also living a somewhat involved hot kinky lifestyle side by side with how I live with Belle and that was, in retrospect, silly. Had I not been in a relationship, then fine, but I am and always will be, so it was too much for me. Realizing that and adjusting around it should not be viewed as failure on either of our parts. It’s a sign of success, IMO. Remember, for perhaps different reasons, what we both want is what we had in that hotel room a few weeks back. That’s the prize at the bottom of the box. Everything else needs to be adjusted to ensure that happens. That’s what we’ve done (and will continue to do), so WINNING.

Of course, since I’m a sexual submissive in 97.3% of my body (the end of my left little toe is a fucking domination powerhouse), any sexual relationship I’m in will only be really satisfying if it includes some kind of power exchange dynamic. We both want that, so it’s not going away. However, we have had to, as they say in the corporate world, “level-set.” He still has rules for me and will still be setting tasks and consequences for not meeting them, but the real D/s elements of our relationship will occur when we’re physically together. At least that’s the plan. We will continue to fine-tune our interactions to ensure our continued friendship can be laced with occasional afternoons of torrid, flushed, hotness.

This is my weekly recap of the tasks and requirements Drew has established for me this week.

  1. This week’s plug requirement is 22 hours, 11 minutes. Shortened due to new expectations of the number of days in the week I’ll be actively subbing to him and the fact that I’m travelling later in the week.
  2. I am to make the appointment for him to get his PA done next time he’s in town. This was left over from last week as I failed to do it then.
  3. I am to track all his flights so I always know where he is in his travels.

That’s all he wrote, but there’s something else. He has removed the requirement that I capitalize pronouns and titles that refer to him. He says he doesn’t need it as a sign of my commitment to our dynamic.

Drew has established as a general rule the requirement that the XXL WMCBP be worn on Mondays. This has become an interesting challenge in that I now do not wear one from Friday to Sunday so accommodating the XXL on Monday is that much harder. Had I my choice (which I don’t) I’d probably go with the Rattler (about the size of a large WMC) or the XL which is a good fit for me. Instead, I find myself feeling very full and invaded for the first several hours on Mondays and quite aware of his control over that aspect of me. This is, of course, exactly what he wants.

Interestingly, as the day progresses (I’ve had it in just over six hours now) it goes from being distractingly annoying to simply distracting (like now) to distractingly hot (borderline). I would never choose the XXL as the plug to start out with and would never leave it in as long as I do were it not for his requirement, but, I end the day really getting off on it. Plus, since it opens me up quite effectively, I find myself favoring the larger plug for the rest of the week. No idea if this was all by design, but it works out to his advantage and he’s pleased with how it affects me.

Drew has instructed me to recap His revised rules and expectations that have been derived as a result of our recent conversation about needing to make our dynamic something that’s doable and reasonable with respect to our primary relationships. That’s a very long sentence. Anyone want to diagram it and tell me the subject?

Anyway, here we go…

  1. He has established the concept of “collar on” and “collar off” when it comes to our communications. The collar construct isn’t physical in this state, it’s to help me understand when I am to be in sub mode or not. I can request “collar off” to make it easier for me to talk to Him about some things when doing so, as His submissive, would be difficult. We’ve already used this to great effect. By default, the “collar” is always on. I can’t take it off but I can request that He allow me to do so. If I show less than the appropriate level of respect He expects when the collar’s on, I’ll be punished.
  2. Friday through Sunday are set aside for our primary relationships. We may still have communication on those days, but He won’t have expectations of me.
  3. We will always communicate with one another, collar on or off with “strength, pride, and honesty.” He will continue to explore ways of pushing me on various fronts (pain, bondage, service, etc.) within the bounds of the limits He’s established.
  4. I am to check in with him, when technology allows, twice a day. He didn’t say if this also applied to Friday-Sunday, but I assume it does.
  5. He appreciates it when I make videos for him. Not necessarily explicit ones. Just 3-4 minute chats telling him how I am or how I feel. He does the same for me.
  6. He expects us to use our experiences together to make us both better husbands to our primary relationship partner. I know this has already been the case for me.
  7. We will both respect the primacy of our respective home lives and both of us can end conversations abruptly in order to do so without ramification, regardless of “collar on” or “collar off.”
  8. He will continue to establish weekly plug time requirements, but now cognizant of the Friday-Sunday exclusion period. This week, it’s 18 hours, 7 minutes (of which, I’d already completed 12:51).
  9. He has clarified how we will use various channels of communication (text, FaceTime, email, etc.) with one another.
  10. He will continue to monitor and evaluate these rules as we move forward.

Needless to say, these changes have made me very happy indeed. Thank You, Sir, for your consideration.

Hmm. Weird. Different colored pages…

It’s odd blogging on someone else’s site. I’m a bit of a homebody and that even extends to my virtual self, apparently. But, Drew said I could and this seems to make more sense here than over on Denying Thumper.

So anyway, yeah, yesterday was difficult for me and it was the culmination of a difficult period and I’m not going to say we’ve solved the issues yet but at least we’ve identified them and that’s the first step (at least according to AA). And I say difficult but also over that same period more than a little thrilling and fun and rewarding. But also difficult. Because life.

I am like Drew in many ways but one way I am definitely not like Him is that I don’t seem to have a switchy or dommy bone in my body. I am total sub all the way down. And my interactions with Drew have kicked that part of me into overdrive so that my subbiness has started to spill out all over everywhere. For those who are the beneficiaries of that (Belle, Drew), this has been well and fine. Even my kids and coworkers are probably benefiting. When my sub state is really humming along, I want to serve. In all ways. Yes, of course, sexually, but domestically and all the other -llys you can come up with.

As I said, yesterday was a culminating point for me. I’ve had, literally, two masters for a little while now and how that’s manifested for me is that they’ve grown to consume my life. If I’m not doing something for one (or thinking of something I could do) then I’m doing something for the other. And in those times when I’m not serving either, I’m going to work or coming back from work or dealing with kids or whatever. I have my own stuff I like to do and, back when it was just Belle I was pleasing, that was easy. But that’s not now.

Belle is not naturally dominant. She’s adapted well to living with a sub, but she’s not as consistently demanding as Drew has been. Note that “demanding” is not necessarily a bad thing in this context since a sub likes to have demands put upon him by his Dom/me. Drew has His duality, but He’s also pretty good at keeping the pressure on me in ways that, I must admit, are pretty hot.

So anyway, yesterday. Gah, I’m all over. Yesterday, Belle dropped on me a new list of tasks. Typically, she tasks me on Saturday (and I did those) so that was somewhat unexpected. Drew tasks me on Sunday so that wasn’t but his list was longer. So I spent the day sort of bouncing back and forth between one to-do for her and another for Him and never did the one specific thing I wanted to do for me and have been putting off since essentially the day Drew showed up in my life. (Note for new readers: My capping Him and not her should not be viewed as an indicator of relative levels of respect or anything related to that — it’s just that’s what He wants when it comes to Him and she doesn’t so I don’t.)

And this thing I’ve been putting off isn’t just for me. I have an entire community of friends counting on me to be engaged with them but my own duality of extended submission has crowded out my ability to do that and I feel guilt. Guilt that’s probably exacerbated by my heightened sub state. But going off and taking care of that part of my life seems difficult to even start because I can’t be sure what I’ll need to do for my dominants and it’s really hard to pull myself away from thinking about them and being more selfish. All this is further “enhanced” by the fact that I’m just not a good multitasker to begin with. In short, I’m feeling overwhelmed. And, in feeling that way, also disappointed in myself for not being able to be all things to all people.

I can’t say how much of this angst is because I’m a sub and how much is basic personality flaws or that it really matters because, in my head, it’s all mushed together.

I’ve been really good at not letting this bleed over onto the Belle side of things, though she knows I’m not “normal” and made a brief yet telling comment last night. She said she thinks the only way she can be OK with Drew being a thing in my life is because He’s not local. Otherwise, she says she’d feel too territorial. I made a joke about her having the local franchise and she firmly reminded me she has the only franchise. Drew’s just renting. She smiled and stroked my head when she said all this but it was in the “I’m smiling and stroking your head while I’m sayin this but I’m deadly serious and don’t make me hurt you” way that women have about them sometimes. And day-um but ain’t that sexy?

Anyway, with regard to the angst and the overwhelmedness and finding balance and all, Drew and I are going to talk. He knows I need more space and I feel like the way to do that and remain in the dynamic is if He gives it to me rather than me taking it. It’s kind of like our rule around my limits. If I just limit out of something without discussion I’m not respecting the dynamic. But if I explain my issue and give Him the chance to amend His request or demand, then I’m showing that I trust Him and His authority. Same thing here. We’ll talk this through and I trust He’ll open up some space for me. He’s genuinely good at this whole domination thing.

These are the tasks Drew has assigned me this week:

  1. 47 hours of plug time. This has been creeping up…
  2. The XXL WMCBP must be in for 11 of those hours and on Monday for a minimum of one hour.
  3. The XXL WMCBP must also be worn to the gym once. Drew says He prefers my core and ab day, but I work core and abs every time.
  4. I’m to track all His flights so I always know where He is in His travels.
  5. I’m to create for Him four chatty videos from my truck.
  6. I’m to create two videos for Him of me putting the plug in. He seems to really like those.
  7. I’m to do a variety of things related to Drew getting a Prince Albert piercing including making the appointment for next time He’s in town. He wants me to be there when it’s done.
  8. I was to get all this blog stuff set up, so that’s done. Obviously.
  9. I’m to help him spec out a steel chastity device for His husband.