Well, almost 24 hours home after the revelations of the week and, well, I didn’t dissolve into a wet mess of submissive goo, run from the chalkboard of instructions, or even think a great deal about a few of the new requirements aside from making sure the main tasks were done and that I also did some of the Drew work that needed to be done.  Frankly, it made me better understand what Thumper was talking about earlier in the week, but I had no feelings of pressure about it.

In addition, my chalkboard items were few but precise and each served a needed purpose of the day.  I thought Axel was going easy on me, and, he was, but this is all part of the growing into it role and I very much appreciated it.  Since I came home late and he was in bed and then he left while I was still in bed, tonight was our first time together in days where we had four quiet hours and, I can tell you honestly, I sat down on the floor and rubbed his legs for a bit and for the first time in a long long long time, I felt my mind slow down for about 10 minutes, which, if you know me know me, is something good.

Also, today two things happened of note on this subject and a few more on another I may post again in a minute about as they have no place mixing here.  Today, taking care of a few things on my list, I found myself truly focused on Axel during that time and where he’d be more happy about me moving what I was moving, etc.  That’s not to say the demands of my life, my family (as an example, today, since I was in town, I was also summed to my elderly parents house because the TV was out and panic was ensuing because, here’s the dichotomy, they could not get the season finale of Orange is the New Black to play – they were using the wrong remote and, ewwww, I am all for embracing lesbian prison sex, but Mom?, Dad? really?) Axel, and even Thumper didn’t make waves into the area, I just simply embraced them all with all having their proper place.

The second thing, maybe even the more important thing ever is that I said no to work.  You see, I work at a small, but very mighty firm that goes around the world telling people what to do, who to hire, and, as most often in my case, who to fire which they then often have me do too.  The man whose name is on my paycheck and the door to my office sent word he wanted to talk to me tonight, only for about 20 minutes.  I knew the subject was something I proposed and when his assistant asked if I could call tonight at 7, I said, without much thinking, “no.  I cannot.  It’s Drew and Axel time tonight.” It flustered her because nobody says no to this man, but her second question was “what about 10 before you leave”.

No again, So, tonight’s lesson of the night, steady course.  Steady course, my friends

Hello from seat 1D where I am listening to Mrs 2D and Mr. 2C fight, literally fight, and cry because I think he fucked the cute female auditor at their firm. She’s mad. He’s teary. She’s talking way too loud for an A320 first class cabin.

If I didn’t care about my iPad so much, I think I’d pull up Thumper’s blog and hand it over the seat to show him how he can control those urges and then pull up the communication one on mine. That’d be fun, huh?

Stay tuned for the continuing, yet ironic drama, from 35,000 feet.

So, all the conversation is over and, evidently, a few of the starter rules are written on the big wall in the kitchen we painted with chalkboard paint years ago to be trendy, yet practical, while a box from the nice people at Holy Trainer waits on the table.

I sit in an airline lounge in New York waiting for one more flight to take me about three hours south to a new, open, revised situation.  I always thought my stomach would be in a knot over this, but, oddly no.  The emotions of the last week have made me tired, but hungry (in all senses, at least I got upgraded so I get food).

It will be well past bedtime when I get home and, since I enter the house from a garage behind it, I literally come in equal distance from the kitchen with my fate or the stairs leading to our bed where Axel should be.

I’m wondering which direction I will go first?

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So, tonight was the night.  The Grand Opening Celebration of  the Mr. and Mr. Duality Shoppe for Sexual Freedom, Exploration and Perversions.  Axel and I FaceTimed, called, wrote, texted, emailed lists back and forth about needs, desires, fantasies, limits, restrictions, ideas, suggestions, and sex.

Pure, genuine, passionate, wet, drippy, smelly, sticky, S.E.X.

While those words and descriptions usually bring to mind torrid visions of breathless conversation lit by candles, for us, it was a couple of hours of quiet, pure, methodical conversation drenched with adjectives describing activity, positions, and feelings fueled by words like chastity, plugs, and discipline. It was setting limits and expectations countered by the release of embarrassment and shame.  It was me in a Marriott and him on our couch.

It was reality.

Finally, it was about timing.

See, I am lucky this week and my gig in the hinterland actually ends earlier tomorrow than expected.  Early enough that I was able to change flights today so I can spend tomorrow, Thursday, and Friday night in Our bed before nine nights away in China doing what it is that I do. Our time together is precious and we have vowed we will no longer waste it worrying about how, when, and in some special cases, who, we fuck.  We will just embrace it.  Slowly.

Last night I posted about my little secret room filled with fantasy, shame, and regret and how I would flip the lights on for my husband and then kick him out and cut the power cord.  The actual real life translation of that statement is that with my life and my career that has thus far taken me on 217 flights and multiple continents in 2014 and Axel’s full time locally based career and a part time love (i.e.: a business, not a boy- spoiler alert – yet) time together is utterly special.  So, in the past when the lights have been lit, we took our two or three days together and tried to check off every item on our sexual bucket list via overnight shipping from Mr. S. Leathers.  That never ended well and left us exhausted, timid, and with credit card debt.

You see, one of the amazing bonuses that has come from me meeting Thumper is a new portal for communication.  In fact, if I never saw Thumper again (which is SO NOT happening), I would always be thankful to him (and Belle)for showing me, first through his blog and then through actual face to face conversation, that what I seek at home is indeed possible and really isn’t so out of the ordinary as long as you communicate EVERYTHING.  In life, I talk for my living and Axel listens for his, so we are not newbies with this concept; however, in this application we did feel very green.

Finally, as the son of a Southern WASP, having grown up hearing phrases like,  “Perhaps I can’t bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table”, I was surrounded by words, talking, and, luckily for me, writing.  What I wasn’t surrounded by was actual substance and here, into my mid forties (note to Thumper, I will no longer say middle aged – ever), I find it to be a very freeing concept.  Because of this new concept, this time we have turned the light on, for good, although it’s official now on a timed dimmer switch.  Translation, we might, and I say might because as of tonight that is no longer my directive, check off one or two of our list items per week, but the absolute point of this post is that we will no longer need the SUV to haul our baggage to the bedroom and then back to the little room.

G’night.

I don’t intend for this to be a long post, but for those of you who follow both blogs you will know that he said that Belle thought my tone was too possessive in the first blog post and that he did too, but since he knew me, he knew how to take it, etc.  He also posted today that I was tempted to edit it, adjust it, move it, draw pretty pictures within it, etc, but he advised that I not do that.  He told me he has plenty of blogging regrets out there and that I should post about it, then be done.

So, having re-read it and with nothing technically or legally wrong with it, I decided to leave it here BUT to say that, with the “sensible adult eyes” that T said, I so, so see their point and I am glad I do because, while I may make no guarantees I won’t do it again accidentally, I will certainly have fresh eyes about it.

Thumper calls it a little triangle (where each) has their own perspective and vulnerabilities. He is right, but when you add in Axel, it becomes what I see as a ball enclosed within a rectangle with two corners made of lead (shiny lead, but lead nonetheless), one corner made of aluminum (sticking with the metal for male thing – but a thin one, explanation below), and a fourth corner made of very beautiful, fragile glass.  On Sunday, that ball contained within it was a 16 pound bowling ball made of the ugly black resin that so many are.  Today, after a few days of each couple talking, becoming grown up adults, and putting on our sensible shoes, I think T would agree with me that the ball is still one used for bowling, but it’s probably 12-14 pounds now and is at least that weird mix of blue and green that they use.  It will take time to shrink it to a youth size, replace it with a kick ball, and then, maybe, just maybe, a tennis ball, but we can never, ever forget the ball is in there readily waiting to knock out two, or even four corners.

Finally, another thought I had about this that will be completely new to the Thumper world of readers, but a realization I had earlier today is something that we have not touched on at all and I think it’s important for all of us to note.  Yes, my language in the first post could have been and should have been softer, but as Thumper’s FIRST job is to protect Belle, mine is to protect Axel.  I wrote that telling myself I was worried about both of the other corners fragile spousal corners, and I was, but, what I was not considering was a wife’s point of view, because that is just something I never ever had to do but will be cognizant of from now on.

Let’s put it this way, one of the things Axel and I do together is walk down the street and look at guys, not for sex, but just because we enjoy that together and have absolutely no issues in saying “fuck, did you see his ass?”.  I have felt sorry my whole married life for straight men whose wife’s get mad at them for looking at another woman because that is something that we as a couple share together.  But, biologically we share that, and that is something a straight man will never be able to do with his wife and something she will never be able to do with him.  So, that said, this made me think about this new rectangle differently because, while Belle and Axel are both amazing spouses who are trusting us to do what we need. to. do,  I have never actually realized that she is absolutely the most trusting one of all of all four of us because it truly is a different football field for her and I now promise to be ever aware.

It’s 4 something in the morning and I have woken up with a mind full of things and decided to write a bit which generally helps me.  Today I have to actually focus my mind on my job (and that rather disappoints me), so I thought I would write early (and maybe get a nap back in before having to be officially awake at 6).

Anyway, this one is going to be about me.  All me.  Well, me and Axel (the husband who I now have permission to name).  When I was writing the post last night about Thump and I and how we have decided to take a grown up approach to our side action versus skipping down the path like Jan Brady and her fictional boyfriend George Glass, I wrote the following phrase that made me stop and tell myself I needed to explore this further:

As discussed, I have, at several points in the past, opened the room to my husband and flipped the lights on briefly before finding some reason to extinguish both the lights and the desire before kicking him swiftly out the door.

That statement really says it all about my sub side at home and it’s something I have vowed to work through most likely within this blog, these posts, and through conversation with Axel as I allow myself to accept this.  It’s very funny, I did not realize until even earlier tonight that there is another facet to all of this I am coming to terms with – the fact that I am indeed an actual switch.  And, I have to come to grips with this while being in an actual switch role.  I used to think the fact that I “went both ways” (don’t get excited, ladies, I mean that in the BDSM way)(Ha) was just a cool fact I would one day tell at parties – although not any ones I currently go to.  But, while it’s still a groovy factoid about me, it’s one that also now comes with responsibilities on both sides, to two people, and, more importantly, to myself.

That said, the switch part of me I am not worried about.  I have already proven to myself in the last few weeks that my mind can easily go back and forth and that my relationships on both levels will be equally fine and, well, not to brag, but satisfied, so I will be good to go on this.  It will just take a few weeks to furnish those particular areas within the imaginary room I keep mentioning – fyi, it has an open floor plan and I am currently having windows installed – and I am just fine with THAT part, so there.

Now, that statement gets to the crux of the matter at hand, my inability to fully, or even partially at this point, turn myself over to my husband. I WANT to. I NEED to. I KNOW it will happen, but it’s just not easy and that pisses me off.  Yes, I know all of the things about giving yourself to someone, even someone you love with every fiber of your being, is hard and dark and scary yet dreamy and fun and happy, and I absolutely plan to explore those in a post, most likely later tonight, but since I told myself this blog would be about what I need to work through, the issue I have right now is confidence.  Specifically, confidence in myself.

Thumper and I talked about this before and, like usual, he nailed me (wow, it’s funny how the double entendres in these type statements about him seem to always be in complete contradiction of the way it really works) when he said something along the lines of “from what I know about you, your career, your life, your family, your acceptance of being gay, you have never lacked confidence in the fact that you would make them all work or everyone can fuck themselves if they don’t like them” (fyi – the actual words had baseball analogies and some Klingon in them, so I paraphrased them for you, my readers, yet still quoted him).

That hit me hard because, even though many times in life I have pretended to be scared or worried, deep down I truly knew I would be fine because I knew, at least, what to expect on the path – even though it might be stormy and dark at times – because I could always, always envision the end result.  Right now, not only can I not envision what the end of my dive into submission will look like,  I can’t fucking see the path yet because of the stormy darkness in my head and that is driving me crazy at the moment.  But, like any great storm, it will pass and the air will be cleaner afterwards and that will reveal the path and most likely the destination on the horizon.  I get that, but in the meantime, I am getting out the umbrella and venturing into it headfirst.

Stay tuned to this channel for further weather developments.

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Tonight, I was going through some photos of me from 2013 looking for something in the “not-for-facebook” folder and found this picture I took of myself that summer.  At the time, I remember thinking that it referenced the two sides of me, but seeing it now, especially in the context of this blog and title, really does say a lot more than I realized, so I thought I would share.