Rabbit angst

Hmm. Weird. Different colored pages…

It’s odd blogging on someone else’s site. I’m a bit of a homebody and that even extends to my virtual self, apparently. But, Drew said I could and this seems to make more sense here than over on Denying Thumper.

So anyway, yeah, yesterday was difficult for me and it was the culmination of a difficult period and I’m not going to say we’ve solved the issues yet but at least we’ve identified them and that’s the first step (at least according to AA). And I say difficult but also over that same period more than a little thrilling and fun and rewarding. But also difficult. Because life.

I am like Drew in many ways but one way I am definitely not like Him is that I don’t seem to have a switchy or dommy bone in my body. I am total sub all the way down. And my interactions with Drew have kicked that part of me into overdrive so that my subbiness has started to spill out all over everywhere. For those who are the beneficiaries of that (Belle, Drew), this has been well and fine. Even my kids and coworkers are probably benefiting. When my sub state is really humming along, I want to serve. In all ways. Yes, of course, sexually, but domestically and all the other -llys you can come up with.

As I said, yesterday was a culminating point for me. I’ve had, literally, two masters for a little while now and how that’s manifested for me is that they’ve grown to consume my life. If I’m not doing something for one (or thinking of something I could do) then I’m doing something for the other. And in those times when I’m not serving either, I’m going to work or coming back from work or dealing with kids or whatever. I have my own stuff I like to do and, back when it was just Belle I was pleasing, that was easy. But that’s not now.

Belle is not naturally dominant. She’s adapted well to living with a sub, but she’s not as consistently demanding as Drew has been. Note that “demanding” is not necessarily a bad thing in this context since a sub likes to have demands put upon him by his Dom/me. Drew has His duality, but He’s also pretty good at keeping the pressure on me in ways that, I must admit, are pretty hot.

So anyway, yesterday. Gah, I’m all over. Yesterday, Belle dropped on me a new list of tasks. Typically, she tasks me on Saturday (and I did those) so that was somewhat unexpected. Drew tasks me on Sunday so that wasn’t but his list was longer. So I spent the day sort of bouncing back and forth between one to-do for her and another for Him and never did the one specific thing I wanted to do for me and have been putting off since essentially the day Drew showed up in my life. (Note for new readers: My capping Him and not her should not be viewed as an indicator of relative levels of respect or anything related to that — it’s just that’s what He wants when it comes to Him and she doesn’t so I don’t.)

And this thing I’ve been putting off isn’t just for me. I have an entire community of friends counting on me to be engaged with them but my own duality of extended submission has crowded out my ability to do that and I feel guilt. Guilt that’s probably exacerbated by my heightened sub state. But going off and taking care of that part of my life seems difficult to even start because I can’t be sure what I’ll need to do for my dominants and it’s really hard to pull myself away from thinking about them and being more selfish. All this is further “enhanced” by the fact that I’m just not a good multitasker to begin with. In short, I’m feeling overwhelmed. And, in feeling that way, also disappointed in myself for not being able to be all things to all people.

I can’t say how much of this angst is because I’m a sub and how much is basic personality flaws or that it really matters because, in my head, it’s all mushed together.

I’ve been really good at not letting this bleed over onto the Belle side of things, though she knows I’m not “normal” and made a brief yet telling comment last night. She said she thinks the only way she can be OK with Drew being a thing in my life is because He’s not local. Otherwise, she says she’d feel too territorial. I made a joke about her having the local franchise and she firmly reminded me she has the only franchise. Drew’s just renting. She smiled and stroked my head when she said all this but it was in the “I’m smiling and stroking your head while I’m sayin this but I’m deadly serious and don’t make me hurt you” way that women have about them sometimes. And day-um but ain’t that sexy?

Anyway, with regard to the angst and the overwhelmedness and finding balance and all, Drew and I are going to talk. He knows I need more space and I feel like the way to do that and remain in the dynamic is if He gives it to me rather than me taking it. It’s kind of like our rule around my limits. If I just limit out of something without discussion I’m not respecting the dynamic. But if I explain my issue and give Him the chance to amend His request or demand, then I’m showing that I trust Him and His authority. Same thing here. We’ll talk this through and I trust He’ll open up some space for me. He’s genuinely good at this whole domination thing.

The Grand Opening Fuck Up

Good morning.  As you probably all remember, I travel for work.  Often.  Very often.  In fact, it’s Monday morning at 5 something a.m. and I am sitting in an airport writing this on a very cold morning headed toward a very cold place (Canada).  Of course, it’s 200 degrees in here and I am a huge sweat-er, so this is not good, especially since I sit here in a sweater.  Anyway, this was not intended to be the first post on the grand opening day, but, as you will learn, writing for me is cathartic and there is a bit of therapy I always gain from writing things down.

So, I think I must start with the following:

My name is Drew (well, here at least) and I am not perfect.  There.  Said.  Done.  Surprised?  I suspected you would not be, yet somehow I am honestly surprised, shocked and dismayed every single time I realize that fact for myself.  Basically, last night, well, yesterday in general, I fucked up.  My very first task at this new side of me and I fucked it up.  You see, the very, absolute first rule Husband and I had and Thumper and I had, I blew – and not in that good way.  More about me, well, I get excited about things.  I got excited about Thumper and taking our relationship forward as I grow my Dom side.  I got very very excited about this blog and the comments and where I wanted to go with it.  I got excited about finally expressing my sub side to myself, the Husband, and actually my best friend in the world who already “knew” but “didn’t really know” (more on that in a post this afternoon).  I got excited about anything and everything, except, sadly, not my Husband.

Grand Fucking Rule One and I broke it and I broke it bad.  See, another duality of me is that I live my life out of a suitcase 3-4 nights and week and then out of the drawers at home the others.  This varies, obviously, but the last few months have been more about the suitcase than the drawer due to work demands – which pay me well and provide for that drawer – so I am always trying to balance.  This week I am in Canada three nights, home two, and then off to China for nine.  So, see, time with him is precious and that makes this fuck up and lack of balance even worse. See, I allowed what I generally like to call “that 13 year old girl inside of me” to rule and I started shrinking Thumper, this blog, my eventual slide into being controlled and a few others things into one giant ball filled with glitter, puppies, rainbows, and Captain Crunch and got goose-bumpy and giddy.  Yeah, I said it.  Some of you might understand it. Some of you may not.  Especially with the duality of me as the over 6 feet, 200 plus pound, former linebacker looking chap that I am; one does not expect glittery rainbows.  However, that’s just me and, while a few hours of it may have been fine, letting those emotions control me was not.

Also, Thumper and I talked and he and I will most likely amend our time spent thinking about each other and the oh so good freaky acts of submission and control he will provide for me and learn how to channel that better, together for a great adventure of his plugged ass that is balanced, in check, yet defined enough that he will have a very red ass should he fuck up (Thump, chime in here if you want).

Finally, I have several different posts planned for today as I have a significant amount of free time and lots and lots of garbage spinning in my head to get out.  Anyone mind hearing more about glitter, puppies and anal plugs later?

So, balance is coming.  Advice is appreciated.

It’s time for me to board.  Later.

Thumper’s tasks for the week of November 2nd

These are the tasks Drew has assigned me this week:

  1. 47 hours of plug time. This has been creeping up…
  2. The XXL WMCBP must be in for 11 of those hours and on Monday for a minimum of one hour.
  3. The XXL WMCBP must also be worn to the gym once. Drew says He prefers my core and ab day, but I work core and abs every time.
  4. I’m to track all His flights so I always know where He is in His travels.
  5. I’m to create for Him four chatty videos from my truck.
  6. I’m to create two videos for Him of me putting the plug in. He seems to really like those.
  7. I’m to do a variety of things related to Drew getting a Prince Albert piercing including making the appointment for next time He’s in town. He wants me to be there when it’s done.
  8. I was to get all this blog stuff set up, so that’s done. Obviously.
  9. I’m to help him spec out a steel chastity device for His husband.

The Soft Opening – The What and Why of this Blog

I had planned for tomorrow to be the grand opening of my new blog, which I consider to be a spin off from the absolutely incredible Denying Thumper, expertly written by MY DILF, himself, Thumper, but, I have a lot on my mind and decided I would give this a go today.  So, consider this the “soft opening” of sorts and since it’s my first day, I am not even going to make a joke about that comment and T’s ass, although, I am having to try hard to fight that. Really hard.

So, the name?  Again, I credit Thumper because he is the one who created it, but, while it certainly defines my role with him and my switch role in general – I own his ass while my husband owns mine – it also really does define a huge aspect of me as a person who you will get to know in a guarded way through this blog.  While nothing is particularly secret and/or sacred, as I intend to talk about everything and anything here, what this blog will not be is a trashy exploit of my relationship with Thumper (for that, you can visit Thumper’s Portfolio site, which I fully endorse having that information) or anything that would cause my husband, who I will name later, or Belle any embarrassment or worry in reading. While I really doubt either will read this, my goal is that if and when they decide to sit down with a Macbook and read about their significant other’s genitals (and more) on the internet, they will be proud of what they read and know that each of their roles within this journey is valued, respected, and that they are the melty, gooey, candy filled center of love and encouragement within our daily lives and, even more importantly, that what he and I do together makes each of us better for them respectively.  Frankly, it already has.

While we are speaking of Thumper, I will say that he has administrator rites to this site as well and I have encouraged him to post here or cross post anything that refers to this particular journey. I will write about my feelings for him, his training, and whether or not he’s been a good DILF at times (somewhere now he just got excited and scared knowing that his possible failures will be public, although his praises will also be) and our goals we have for him. As you know, plugging is something that we intend to build him up to being at an almost constant level, because that reminds him of me while his metal genitals always draw him back to his full Owner, Belle. That’s just one goal.  The others will be spelled out in time.

In fact, one rule he will now have is that every Sunday he is to post an abbreviated, generalized version of his weekly goals here and every Saturday he is to publish the results.  I control the reward or punishment, but I know he will enjoy the extra voyeurs on this ride as well – or maybe not – but he’s not in control of that now.

T is an amazing, multi faceted man and I am very lucky to have met him, as I consider him to be the almost perfect DILF – he’s cute (hot actually), wicked smart, willing to have a few strings, and knows how to write a mean sentence.  Plus, he’s pre-trained and comes with a metal dick that I don’t have to worry about.  It doesn’t get any better than that, folks.

In addition, this blog will also be about me and my journey to finally, finally accept the kinky side of myself after 17 years of marriage and 45 years of life.  It’s been an emotional few days as I am coming to grips with what I have said to my husband, my agreement to follow his rules, and the changes to our lives that this will cause.  These changes will almost certainly make us even stronger as a couple, but they come with an almost guaranteed initial level of stress and strife and that will be what tomorrow’s grand opening will be about, as tonight officially begins our journey, together, into this.

Finally, when Thumper asked me to post on his site in response to our first of what we certainly intend to be many dalliances, many, many dalliances, I really never thought it was going to morph into its own entity.   I love that and want to say now that I appreciate any and all feedback that lacks the judgement of some he and I initially received.

Thanks in advance for reading me and I look forward to sharing this with you.  And, Thumper, it’s Sunday, you have an assignment due here.