Blogging Regrets

I don’t intend for this to be a long post, but for those of you who follow both blogs you will know that he said that Belle thought my tone was too possessive in the first blog post and that he did too, but since he knew me, he knew how to take it, etc.  He also posted today that I was tempted to edit it, adjust it, move it, draw pretty pictures within it, etc, but he advised that I not do that.  He told me he has plenty of blogging regrets out there and that I should post about it, then be done.

So, having re-read it and with nothing technically or legally wrong with it, I decided to leave it here BUT to say that, with the “sensible adult eyes” that T said, I so, so see their point and I am glad I do because, while I may make no guarantees I won’t do it again accidentally, I will certainly have fresh eyes about it.

Thumper calls it a little triangle (where each) has their own perspective and vulnerabilities. He is right, but when you add in Axel, it becomes what I see as a ball enclosed within a rectangle with two corners made of lead (shiny lead, but lead nonetheless), one corner made of aluminum (sticking with the metal for male thing – but a thin one, explanation below), and a fourth corner made of very beautiful, fragile glass.  On Sunday, that ball contained within it was a 16 pound bowling ball made of the ugly black resin that so many are.  Today, after a few days of each couple talking, becoming grown up adults, and putting on our sensible shoes, I think T would agree with me that the ball is still one used for bowling, but it’s probably 12-14 pounds now and is at least that weird mix of blue and green that they use.  It will take time to shrink it to a youth size, replace it with a kick ball, and then, maybe, just maybe, a tennis ball, but we can never, ever forget the ball is in there readily waiting to knock out two, or even four corners.

Finally, another thought I had about this that will be completely new to the Thumper world of readers, but a realization I had earlier today is something that we have not touched on at all and I think it’s important for all of us to note.  Yes, my language in the first post could have been and should have been softer, but as Thumper’s FIRST job is to protect Belle, mine is to protect Axel.  I wrote that telling myself I was worried about both of the other corners fragile spousal corners, and I was, but, what I was not considering was a wife’s point of view, because that is just something I never ever had to do but will be cognizant of from now on.

Let’s put it this way, one of the things Axel and I do together is walk down the street and look at guys, not for sex, but just because we enjoy that together and have absolutely no issues in saying “fuck, did you see his ass?”.  I have felt sorry my whole married life for straight men whose wife’s get mad at them for looking at another woman because that is something that we as a couple share together.  But, biologically we share that, and that is something a straight man will never be able to do with his wife and something she will never be able to do with him.  So, that said, this made me think about this new rectangle differently because, while Belle and Axel are both amazing spouses who are trusting us to do what we need. to. do,  I have never actually realized that she is absolutely the most trusting one of all of all four of us because it truly is a different football field for her and I now promise to be ever aware.

Forecast Calls for storms, some heavy at times, with the lack of confidence cloud cover beginning to break up after sunset

It’s 4 something in the morning and I have woken up with a mind full of things and decided to write a bit which generally helps me.  Today I have to actually focus my mind on my job (and that rather disappoints me), so I thought I would write early (and maybe get a nap back in before having to be officially awake at 6).

Anyway, this one is going to be about me.  All me.  Well, me and Axel (the husband who I now have permission to name).  When I was writing the post last night about Thump and I and how we have decided to take a grown up approach to our side action versus skipping down the path like Jan Brady and her fictional boyfriend George Glass, I wrote the following phrase that made me stop and tell myself I needed to explore this further:

As discussed, I have, at several points in the past, opened the room to my husband and flipped the lights on briefly before finding some reason to extinguish both the lights and the desire before kicking him swiftly out the door.

That statement really says it all about my sub side at home and it’s something I have vowed to work through most likely within this blog, these posts, and through conversation with Axel as I allow myself to accept this.  It’s very funny, I did not realize until even earlier tonight that there is another facet to all of this I am coming to terms with – the fact that I am indeed an actual switch.  And, I have to come to grips with this while being in an actual switch role.  I used to think the fact that I “went both ways” (don’t get excited, ladies, I mean that in the BDSM way)(Ha) was just a cool fact I would one day tell at parties – although not any ones I currently go to.  But, while it’s still a groovy factoid about me, it’s one that also now comes with responsibilities on both sides, to two people, and, more importantly, to myself.

That said, the switch part of me I am not worried about.  I have already proven to myself in the last few weeks that my mind can easily go back and forth and that my relationships on both levels will be equally fine and, well, not to brag, but satisfied, so I will be good to go on this.  It will just take a few weeks to furnish those particular areas within the imaginary room I keep mentioning – fyi, it has an open floor plan and I am currently having windows installed – and I am just fine with THAT part, so there.

Now, that statement gets to the crux of the matter at hand, my inability to fully, or even partially at this point, turn myself over to my husband. I WANT to. I NEED to. I KNOW it will happen, but it’s just not easy and that pisses me off.  Yes, I know all of the things about giving yourself to someone, even someone you love with every fiber of your being, is hard and dark and scary yet dreamy and fun and happy, and I absolutely plan to explore those in a post, most likely later tonight, but since I told myself this blog would be about what I need to work through, the issue I have right now is confidence.  Specifically, confidence in myself.

Thumper and I talked about this before and, like usual, he nailed me (wow, it’s funny how the double entendres in these type statements about him seem to always be in complete contradiction of the way it really works) when he said something along the lines of “from what I know about you, your career, your life, your family, your acceptance of being gay, you have never lacked confidence in the fact that you would make them all work or everyone can fuck themselves if they don’t like them” (fyi – the actual words had baseball analogies and some Klingon in them, so I paraphrased them for you, my readers, yet still quoted him).

That hit me hard because, even though many times in life I have pretended to be scared or worried, deep down I truly knew I would be fine because I knew, at least, what to expect on the path – even though it might be stormy and dark at times – because I could always, always envision the end result.  Right now, not only can I not envision what the end of my dive into submission will look like,  I can’t fucking see the path yet because of the stormy darkness in my head and that is driving me crazy at the moment.  But, like any great storm, it will pass and the air will be cleaner afterwards and that will reveal the path and most likely the destination on the horizon.  I get that, but in the meantime, I am getting out the umbrella and venturing into it headfirst.

Stay tuned to this channel for further weather developments.

A Picture Can Say It All

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Tonight, I was going through some photos of me from 2013 looking for something in the “not-for-facebook” folder and found this picture I took of myself that summer.  At the time, I remember thinking that it referenced the two sides of me, but seeing it now, especially in the context of this blog and title, really does say a lot more than I realized, so I thought I would share.

The Taming of the Rabbit Infatuation – In Living Color

Blog Grand Opening Day continues.  It actually has been a pretty good day, although I am still trapped in my head about a few things which is what tends to happen to me over and over again about lots of things in life.  Although I have complained, I have never actually hated the fact that I process things at such a never ending pace, because I rarely make rash decisions and I am usually very educated on my choices.

For most of my life I have been able to separate the professional and personal me from the kinky, dominant with a growing side of submissive inside me and now that I am allowing the worlds to mix, at least in my head and now at home, it’s like a cyclone of insecurities are hitting me all at once.

Regarding Thumper, I think you all saw from his post that we were both battling the same sort of things, at similar, yet different levels.  At some point I have referenced the fact I liken the last few weeks to having opened the door to a great big room in my soul that I shared with only random internet people and I never bothered to turn on the lights because they weren’t staying.   As discussed, I have, at several points in the past, opened the room to my husband and flipped the lights on briefly before finding some reason to extinguish both the lights and the desire before kicking him swiftly out the door.

This was the game I played for years until the last few weeks when I first let Thumper knock on the back door (although we know that action was actually reversed), come in, turn on the lights and sit down.  Hell, we even discussed some furniture and colors.  That so excited me –  and him – and like two mad decorators with an unlimited budget, we each slightly pushed away things very important in our lives so that we could engage both of our cerebral sides into all the possibilities, plans, and comfort of knowing there was someone out there that “fit” – in living color – while the rest of the world stayed gray.

You see, Thump is wicked smart, quick and,despite his metal dick, wields some power in life.  Plus, he’s rather hot.  DILFY hot in fact.  He is my wet dream sub come true, so I got lost in the practicalities of the day to day aspects of having control of him and, almost surprisingly to me, he got lost trying to please me which he did and does.

As wonderful as this was, we knew it couldn’t last and today we designed a new path, still in living color, that is going to be excellent and will help us both achieve our ultimate goals of being better submissives to our spouses while also indulging our stainless steel, hardcore, kinky souls at the same time.  That’s one of the beauties of two middle aged men with a quite a bit of intelligence and experience coming together. We both thrive in the day to day practicalities of life and will now simply make this fit in within the kinkiest realm we can create. And, like Thumper’s magical ability with his tail, it may resist a bit, but it will ultimately fit in and stay.

I will write about my journey with my husband, who, by the way, we will now reveal as Axel, and try my best to not tell this same rabbit story yet again.  But, I have asked him to wrap up his post from this morning and share his new, pared down weekly requirements (we decided goals was a bit too flexible) and his plans to become the ultimate DILF, for Me.

Rabbit angst

Hmm. Weird. Different colored pages…

It’s odd blogging on someone else’s site. I’m a bit of a homebody and that even extends to my virtual self, apparently. But, Drew said I could and this seems to make more sense here than over on Denying Thumper.

So anyway, yeah, yesterday was difficult for me and it was the culmination of a difficult period and I’m not going to say we’ve solved the issues yet but at least we’ve identified them and that’s the first step (at least according to AA). And I say difficult but also over that same period more than a little thrilling and fun and rewarding. But also difficult. Because life.

I am like Drew in many ways but one way I am definitely not like Him is that I don’t seem to have a switchy or dommy bone in my body. I am total sub all the way down. And my interactions with Drew have kicked that part of me into overdrive so that my subbiness has started to spill out all over everywhere. For those who are the beneficiaries of that (Belle, Drew), this has been well and fine. Even my kids and coworkers are probably benefiting. When my sub state is really humming along, I want to serve. In all ways. Yes, of course, sexually, but domestically and all the other -llys you can come up with.

As I said, yesterday was a culminating point for me. I’ve had, literally, two masters for a little while now and how that’s manifested for me is that they’ve grown to consume my life. If I’m not doing something for one (or thinking of something I could do) then I’m doing something for the other. And in those times when I’m not serving either, I’m going to work or coming back from work or dealing with kids or whatever. I have my own stuff I like to do and, back when it was just Belle I was pleasing, that was easy. But that’s not now.

Belle is not naturally dominant. She’s adapted well to living with a sub, but she’s not as consistently demanding as Drew has been. Note that “demanding” is not necessarily a bad thing in this context since a sub likes to have demands put upon him by his Dom/me. Drew has His duality, but He’s also pretty good at keeping the pressure on me in ways that, I must admit, are pretty hot.

So anyway, yesterday. Gah, I’m all over. Yesterday, Belle dropped on me a new list of tasks. Typically, she tasks me on Saturday (and I did those) so that was somewhat unexpected. Drew tasks me on Sunday so that wasn’t but his list was longer. So I spent the day sort of bouncing back and forth between one to-do for her and another for Him and never did the one specific thing I wanted to do for me and have been putting off since essentially the day Drew showed up in my life. (Note for new readers: My capping Him and not her should not be viewed as an indicator of relative levels of respect or anything related to that — it’s just that’s what He wants when it comes to Him and she doesn’t so I don’t.)

And this thing I’ve been putting off isn’t just for me. I have an entire community of friends counting on me to be engaged with them but my own duality of extended submission has crowded out my ability to do that and I feel guilt. Guilt that’s probably exacerbated by my heightened sub state. But going off and taking care of that part of my life seems difficult to even start because I can’t be sure what I’ll need to do for my dominants and it’s really hard to pull myself away from thinking about them and being more selfish. All this is further “enhanced” by the fact that I’m just not a good multitasker to begin with. In short, I’m feeling overwhelmed. And, in feeling that way, also disappointed in myself for not being able to be all things to all people.

I can’t say how much of this angst is because I’m a sub and how much is basic personality flaws or that it really matters because, in my head, it’s all mushed together.

I’ve been really good at not letting this bleed over onto the Belle side of things, though she knows I’m not “normal” and made a brief yet telling comment last night. She said she thinks the only way she can be OK with Drew being a thing in my life is because He’s not local. Otherwise, she says she’d feel too territorial. I made a joke about her having the local franchise and she firmly reminded me she has the only franchise. Drew’s just renting. She smiled and stroked my head when she said all this but it was in the “I’m smiling and stroking your head while I’m sayin this but I’m deadly serious and don’t make me hurt you” way that women have about them sometimes. And day-um but ain’t that sexy?

Anyway, with regard to the angst and the overwhelmedness and finding balance and all, Drew and I are going to talk. He knows I need more space and I feel like the way to do that and remain in the dynamic is if He gives it to me rather than me taking it. It’s kind of like our rule around my limits. If I just limit out of something without discussion I’m not respecting the dynamic. But if I explain my issue and give Him the chance to amend His request or demand, then I’m showing that I trust Him and His authority. Same thing here. We’ll talk this through and I trust He’ll open up some space for me. He’s genuinely good at this whole domination thing.

The Grand Opening Fuck Up

Good morning.  As you probably all remember, I travel for work.  Often.  Very often.  In fact, it’s Monday morning at 5 something a.m. and I am sitting in an airport writing this on a very cold morning headed toward a very cold place (Canada).  Of course, it’s 200 degrees in here and I am a huge sweat-er, so this is not good, especially since I sit here in a sweater.  Anyway, this was not intended to be the first post on the grand opening day, but, as you will learn, writing for me is cathartic and there is a bit of therapy I always gain from writing things down.

So, I think I must start with the following:

My name is Drew (well, here at least) and I am not perfect.  There.  Said.  Done.  Surprised?  I suspected you would not be, yet somehow I am honestly surprised, shocked and dismayed every single time I realize that fact for myself.  Basically, last night, well, yesterday in general, I fucked up.  My very first task at this new side of me and I fucked it up.  You see, the very, absolute first rule Husband and I had and Thumper and I had, I blew – and not in that good way.  More about me, well, I get excited about things.  I got excited about Thumper and taking our relationship forward as I grow my Dom side.  I got very very excited about this blog and the comments and where I wanted to go with it.  I got excited about finally expressing my sub side to myself, the Husband, and actually my best friend in the world who already “knew” but “didn’t really know” (more on that in a post this afternoon).  I got excited about anything and everything, except, sadly, not my Husband.

Grand Fucking Rule One and I broke it and I broke it bad.  See, another duality of me is that I live my life out of a suitcase 3-4 nights and week and then out of the drawers at home the others.  This varies, obviously, but the last few months have been more about the suitcase than the drawer due to work demands – which pay me well and provide for that drawer – so I am always trying to balance.  This week I am in Canada three nights, home two, and then off to China for nine.  So, see, time with him is precious and that makes this fuck up and lack of balance even worse. See, I allowed what I generally like to call “that 13 year old girl inside of me” to rule and I started shrinking Thumper, this blog, my eventual slide into being controlled and a few others things into one giant ball filled with glitter, puppies, rainbows, and Captain Crunch and got goose-bumpy and giddy.  Yeah, I said it.  Some of you might understand it. Some of you may not.  Especially with the duality of me as the over 6 feet, 200 plus pound, former linebacker looking chap that I am; one does not expect glittery rainbows.  However, that’s just me and, while a few hours of it may have been fine, letting those emotions control me was not.

Also, Thumper and I talked and he and I will most likely amend our time spent thinking about each other and the oh so good freaky acts of submission and control he will provide for me and learn how to channel that better, together for a great adventure of his plugged ass that is balanced, in check, yet defined enough that he will have a very red ass should he fuck up (Thump, chime in here if you want).

Finally, I have several different posts planned for today as I have a significant amount of free time and lots and lots of garbage spinning in my head to get out.  Anyone mind hearing more about glitter, puppies and anal plugs later?

So, balance is coming.  Advice is appreciated.

It’s time for me to board.  Later.

Thumper’s tasks for the week of November 2nd

These are the tasks Drew has assigned me this week:

  1. 47 hours of plug time. This has been creeping up…
  2. The XXL WMCBP must be in for 11 of those hours and on Monday for a minimum of one hour.
  3. The XXL WMCBP must also be worn to the gym once. Drew says He prefers my core and ab day, but I work core and abs every time.
  4. I’m to track all His flights so I always know where He is in His travels.
  5. I’m to create for Him four chatty videos from my truck.
  6. I’m to create two videos for Him of me putting the plug in. He seems to really like those.
  7. I’m to do a variety of things related to Drew getting a Prince Albert piercing including making the appointment for next time He’s in town. He wants me to be there when it’s done.
  8. I was to get all this blog stuff set up, so that’s done. Obviously.
  9. I’m to help him spec out a steel chastity device for His husband.