The Boy Agreement

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So, more about that boy?

I have been quiet since my trip to see him for multiple personal reasons and, the biggest, is that he and I have been working out an agreement to what the future might hold. In theory, we formed a “relationship agreement”, which, if you think about it would be ideal in so many vanilla friendships; however, this one specifically applies to a Sir/boy dynamic, a chastity mentorship, and various small things that we both agreed to in order to stay consistent and grow with each other over the course of time that this agreement is in place. Details will follow, but I mentioned this early to set the major tone of this post.

As you know, our meeting was pretty happenstance. I was meeting this random dude who knew I liked Steelwerks and who thought he would say hello since we were close that particular day. We met and we clicked. Period. I remember thinking that this is the kind of boy that I would one day want to collar and, at some point in the conversation, he said something along those same lines about wanting to be collared by someone like me, but those sentences blended into a mix of discussions about our switchiness, our mutual experiences in chastity, and how I am at a stage in life where my Daddy-side is emerging as rapidly as the gray hair in my beard. This kid made me swoon in a not-really-romantic-yet-some-romantic-sexy-wanna-take-care-of him fashion. Apparently, he felt the same way (though probably without nearly as many hyphens) and, two weeks later we have a signed agreement (that doesn’t have an end date) and, he has a clasped band around his wrist that serves as the collar. This will be glued shut tomorrow rendering it non-removable without destroying it, so the symbolism is huge.

My two nights with him were great. We made great use of a sleepsack, a straightjacket, a few hoods, some clamps, and I, somewhat ceremoniously, locked him in my Axel cage for two days and left with him locked in my Steelheart. He has his own Steelwerks cage, very similar to mine, arriving this week (there are advantages to having a best friend who makes cages) and when that is in place, he will be locking significantly more under my direction. In fact, we are building to a year locked which has been a fantasy of his (and mine) for many years.The funny thing is during those two nights we didn’t have sex, per se. Yes, there was some oral action and lots of naked togetherness and, as much as I wanted to fuck him, I know those times will come down the road. For me, this was about taking control from him, and, at the end, allowing him an orgasm in a way meant to be very special as it’s the last he will be having with me for many months. I wanted to watch and be allowing that from a vantage point versus just “fucking it out of him.” That said, I am so tempted to call the Skymiles line and get on a plane and go fuck him now, but Axel would likely not approve, especially because I have to go to Canada for five days starting tomorrow, and I am sure Bolt has other things going on that would inhibit him from just dropping it all too. But, alas, a Sir and boy can dream, huh?

Distance will not really be an issue later, though it is funny that he is almost the exact same mileage from me as Thumper is. Right now, it’s all about distance because I leave for a month in Australia next weekend and, while I am gone, his work is sending him to Japan for six months. So, while those things do indeed suck, the great news is that technology will make daily communication easier and, because of my super weird life, I have gotten really used to my world being filled with electronic relationships – a plus and a minus but something best saved for a future post.

The agreement is something that will remain private between us, but essentially it calls for him to have regular communications through specific measures and to not use his dick without permission. When his Steelwerks arrives, he will have about a week to get used to it before entering into the first of our two major agreements which will be 100 days locked which should take him somewhere to the middle of July without an orgasm. As of right now, I am investigating flying to Japan for day 101 and then, after that, he has some serious training to do for a few triathlons and races before entering into the already signed agreement of one full year without an allowed orgasm starting around November or so. My side of the agreement is to protect, encourage, mentor, and help him grow as a man and a boy and, oh yeah, to run one of his smaller races with him before the one year locking period starts. So, fat me needs to get moving.

He is going to reply to this post with a comment or two, so welcome him, but, as part of this experience, he is going to write a series of posts about the reality of getting what he asked for starting with the arrival of the Steelwerks next week. Those will be guest posted on here so you can all follow Bolt on his journey.

Oh yeah, one more note, in the last post I had a lovely comment about me cheating on both my husband and Thumper and, I just had to laugh it off. Axel, the husband for those of you new to this, is THRILLED and has already sent Bolt a small “welcome to the family” gift. Thumper is not a factor and, though he and I have not really talked this week, I know he is just as excited for me and this will not have any bearing on what he and I do. And, you know what, there may even be more boys in the near future, as there is a beta for Bolt we have our eyes on. It’s all fun!

Finally, to Bolt, I am very happy how things have transpired and look forward to this journey with you.

Over Thinking

I am an over thinker.

Axel is an over thinker.

Thumper is an over thinker.

Belle is an over thinker.

Almost everyone I have ever named in this blog is an over thinker. I think in many ways, the shear fact that you are reading this means that you are also an over thinker. We over share. We over communicate. We over worry. We over process.

The question, however, is does over thinking make us better or worse at an open relationship?

I am not sure if it’s right or wrong that we are this way because, in many ways, I think that is a sign of intelligence; however, this week I over thought every single thing D/s related and, in reality, that over thinking nearly ended something fun before it started and created a very lonely homecoming Friday afternoon when I got back because I had created these amazing expectations that reality could not support – i.e.: Axel wasn’t even home. It wasn’t a bad homecoming and Ax and I had some great sex, but my mind was in the cloud of what I wasn’t doing now, what I likely wouldn’t be doing later, and how could I fix everything to have my cake and eat it as well. Argh.

Though, as I start a new week today (being Sunday morning) I am vowing to just go with the flow of things as much as possible and enjoy it. Work wise, I have a busy travel week ahead but a pretty easy work week when I get to my places (including NYC – my favorite) because they generally are consisting of one, maybe two meetings that I have arranged with lots of downtime around them (though I could work). Plus, the middle of the week I am in the Land of Thumper, though he and I are calendar challenged again (the curse of the non-primary – both ways – ha). That will work out, though, never fear.

Finally, I ask all of this about the thinkers and the openness because a few days ago I found out that two of my married friends were separated because one of “cheated”. Now, I know both of these people well enough to know that throughout that marriage both of them had men on the side and I always just assumed that it was open, but it officially wasn’t because they didn’t communicate to each other. Then, one day, one got spotted with a new fella and, boom, divorce. It’s so stupid really because that could have been avoided, which, to bring this full circle, through over thinking. Right?

So, I think there is an advantage, just curious as to your opinions about the mix.

 

 

The other F word

Today I got called a “faggot”

It was quite unsettling, yet it didn’t really bother me because I really don’t think the person who called me that meant it. But I’m not sure. I texted Thumper and Axel to ask their opinions and both were a bit taken a bit aback by it, but I think my nonchalantness may have tempered the expected response.

Now, hours later sitting in a big blue leather seat flying through some stormy looking clouds, I am pissed off because, that just shouldn’t happen, but it did, and in a professional environment.

Here’s the story. Today I was at an a very well known 200 year old institution north of New York that has seen its share of scandal through the years. I am a regular consultant there and have been there enough times through the years that I have gotten to know some of the  staff who I don’t work with specifically. So, when I got there today I was greeted by a man who I have not seen in years and he asked for my email address after we chatted a bit and caught up on life and baseball (thank you again, Thumper). I handed him a business card since it had been a few years since I had given him one and he started looking at me quizzically.

Now, as you may or may not know, when the first SCOTUS ruling happened in 2013, Axel and I got legally married on our anniversary (which happens to be his birthday) (which happens to be this weekend) (which happens to mark 18 years) ( I happen to be taking him to Miami/South Beach for dinner tomorrow and a Saturday play date) (it happens that mileage and points are my one career luxury).

For about 250 different reasons, the most compelling of which was that my mother thought it was “only appropriate”, Axel and I wanted to have the same last name, you know, like all the popular straight couples do. I had a long name with lots of vowels. He had a short name that was kinda cool yet not too common. We tried half and half. We tried adding a hyphen. We tried creating something new. But, in the end, his name just sounded good with my actual first name, so I changed my legal last name, a process that is awful for anyone, but for a man in the South it is, or hopefully WAS, a hassle that needed court rulings and lots of signatures. Adding to this, I had about 20 plus years of doing what it is that I do, so I had to essentially come out to every client I had, but luckily had the blessing of my bosses that I could tell them to “fuck off” if I had any issue because we didn’t want them as a client (it was a good year and luckily I never had a single issue).

So,back to this morning.

It’s been a few years now and most of my clients and coworkers just know me as the married me with the short name and don’t think twice about it. Hell, even I have reached a point where I can answer to it without giggling a bit, so I just don’t think about it. Then, this morning as I handed him my card, he said, “wait, this is not you. Did you change your name or something?” To which I replied a simple “yes, when I got married a few years ago I decided to change mine”. I don’t go into the dribble of who I married, who I fuck, etc, I just simply leave it at that. So, that was that and then he said, “huh, I didn’t know you were a faggot. Well, good for you and I hope marriage treats you well” and then he went about his day and I went about mine walking away a bit puzzled, maybe hurt, maybe not. I had work to do and went to do it.

So, a bit later I was texting with Thump about this,that and Josh Duggar, when I just casually thought to say, “oh, guess what, I got called…”. He responded with something akin to “what the fuck?” with a “who do I need to come hurt?” tone and I played it off a bit in the way I used to forgive my grandmother for saying “colored”, because during her life that was all she knew.
But this man wasn’t too old, was, based on where he worked, fairly well educated and exposed to many types of people, and as I sit here now I can’t forgive him as easily as I did this afternoon, though I can’t say I hate him either.

It’s funny, I think I had a fucking real life commenter from this blog or Thumper’s right there in front of me because he did the exact same things some of the nasty people here have done by insulting in the first sentence followed by a nice expression in the second one. Since the first time Amy in Alabama lit up my comments with hate almost a year ago, I have always wondered what I would do if I ever had the chance to meet one of those people in real life and, I’ll be damned, I did and didn’t even realize it.

Now, to be fair to me, he did not start out with “I’ve been reading your boyfriend’s posts for years…” like 90 percent of them do. If he had, I would like to think I would have clued in, but I blew my chance, though, it wasn’t a place I would have caused a scene anyway.

But, like many of the comments we have gotten, I am confused by the hate followed by the happy. Do these people do this regularly in life with other things too? Should we try it? I’m currently thinking of all the muggle variations we could give back like:

“you look great, even with the extra weight”,

“wow you have aged, but you do it well”,

“your child is really stupid, but she’s so pretty”, or

“I’ve seen your sinning pictures on the Internet, but boy you ride that dildo quite well”

Actually, I have done this in my life before and I remember it being therapeutic, because a friend of my mother’s saw me once after awhile and said “wow, Drew, you are really bald” and I remember in a split second coming back at her with “wow, Helen, you sure are old” while my mother laughed like she was proud of the smart assed son she raised. It felt great and is still something I think about many, many years later.

All this, but no answers here and I will likely never know whether Mr. Man was being nice to me or judging me. I want to think he had a stroke or just didn’t catch himself in time, like when I catch myself wanting to say “Oriental”. I’m not going to worry about it either because it’s over and I am not sure I would have made the situation any better had I scolded him. I just don’t think he knew what damage a word like that can do and, if he had to use it, I am glad he did on me versus one of the younger people who are still fragile enough to let that get into their head.

So, I am going to forgive him and let it go, however, I do hope someone in his world calls him fat and old this weekend.

From the mailbag

I have received a bit of mail recently that I have been remiss in answering directly, so I thought I would take this time to pick out a few questions from the mails to delight us all, especially in light of Thumper’s recent post that addressed comments and the different ways many of us react to them.

Oh, also, most ALL of this has been asked or discussed before, but it never hurts to answer again.

Jeanne asks:

Pardon my personal question, but it appears you “like” Thumper more than he “likes” you. Is this true?

DD:

It does, Jeanne? really? well, fuck, thanks for now making me phobic.

Hmmmm. I think we “like” each other at a similar level. It’s been more than a few weeks since you sent this so I have thought about it a lot and, frankly, resisted asking Thumper or Axel about this because I didn’t want to be skewed, but I have thought about why you might ask this and I think it may come down to the amount of time I spend mentioning him versus him mentioning me, or the fact I tend to compliment a lot versus the rabbit who is a lot more stoic. So, assuming that is why you asked this, you have to remember a few factors such as how this blog came to be, etc.

One, this blog is about me and Thumper as the stars with Axel as the supporting cast member. Denying Thumper is about Thumper, Belle, chastity, and their female led relationship as the primaries and I occasionally pop in as the guest star when the timing is right and when his production budget can afford me. Second, for me, complimenting another man or talking about him in a descriptive sexual way is second nature to me, a gay man, but you have to remember that he lives in a different world than I do and he does not have sweet, romantic type inclinations for men because those parts of his brain are wired for lady parts and their female owners. Frankly, while I do appreciate the occasional compliment or sex text from him, I think it would be creepy if he turned romantic because that’s just not what we are here to do.

FYI, I have never once felt slighted, but now I will pay more attention.

Joc4U asks:

How do your spouses feel about the boyfriend term? Have the four of you met yet? Do you think Thumper and Axel will have sex?

DD:

This question really amused me so thanks.

My husband freely used the term to describe Thumper before I did, so I think that meant he is okay with it. I did once ask him and he thinks it’s a great term because we are more than friends, we have more attached points than two guys who just fuck, and we do have feelings of great warmth and genuine caring for each other, but we are not and never will be in a traditional love based relationship. And, “boyfriend” is simply better than calling him “my friend who I see and touch naked who I also lunch with while talking about baseball” each and every time. Call me crazy but it’s just easier.

As for the four of us meeting, no, that has not happened and I am not sure when or if it will. For the record, I adore Belle from everything I know about her, appreciate her loaning me her husband, and would love to give her a huge hug of gratitude in time. I think it will happen one day, but it’s most likely a long way off and not anything I have anything to do with, so I don’t worry about it. She apparently likes me enough to trust me with her prized possession (I would say bull, but, well), so that’s all I need and I have yet to return him too damaged. Yet.

Now, on the Axel side, he and Thumper are already in each others’ worlds via social media and some crossover work things and I am positive they will meet sooner rather than later because it’s just different for us. We have the luxury in our house, friendships, and such to be able to discuss my boyfriend freely if we choose to, so it makes things much easier.

Will they have sex? (and FYI, this is the part that amused me most) Really? Assuming you are a gay man from your name, do you have sex with every man you meet? I may not want to know that answer, but, no, I do not expect them to ever have sex. Nor is it anything I ever think about. That said, I can see Thumper sleeping right between us in bed one night and getting sandwiched in a cuddle – and I really say that just to fuck with the minds of people more than anything as I truly doubt that would ever happen and the scenarios in which it would, such as being at the North Pole on a science expedition and the power goes out, are even less likely to ever play out.

Sam asks:

Why doesn’t Axel read your blog and why does it sometimes appear that he reads Thumper’s?

Good question. Axel sees this blog as a way of me being able to freely express my kinky feelings, my time with Thumper, and anything else I have on my mind and thinks that if he were a known reader that I would not be as open as I am. Also, while we are open and while he thinks Thumper is the bees knees, he doesn’t want to read about the details of how we feel or any sexual activity we have because it’s a tad too in his face that way. That said, he knows the blog address, has it bookmarked on his Macbook even, and is free to look at it whenever he wants should he choose to do so.

Regarding it appearing that he reads DT, he only does when it’s something I think he needs to see and, when I do, I send him the link. Sometimes it’s about how the wearer of chastity feels, how Belle pets the rabbit, or simply a case like last week when I felt he needed to know that we also have dry spells too. A few times he has been moved to respond in the comments, but that’s his choice and I normally cringe for about twelve seconds when I see it and then breathe because, I think, every time has been an affirmation to whatever point was made.

Stephen asks:

Indulge me, but I would like to know just a few fun facts “behind the collar”. What are five things he would say about you and five things you would say about him that are not known facts?

DD:

Wow, I hate this question, but because I use this same type question to break up speeches with big groups, I think it’s only karma that I get asked this, so I will indulge you but think you should shoot a copy of this question to the rabbit as well.

What Thumper might say about me:

1. I can be a bit of a nag, but usually with reason. Usually.

2. I worry too much about weird things, things out of my control, and the feelings of others.

3. I need to run more.

4. I listen to background conversation all the time and that it freaks him out when I can tell him what’s happening three tables over.

5. I really like the idea of vaginas more than I let on and that I have gained a great deal of knowledge about all things sex from him.

Bonus #6 –  I am a lucky son of a bitch because I get to have my way with him at times.

What I will say about Thumper:

1. He has an ability to multitask electronically like no other being on Earth.

2. He drives everywhere he goes like a Nascar driver chasing a bag of Doritos.

3. He is wicked smart and knows something about everything and can share it with you in a way that makes you feel forever more smart because you heard it from him.

4. He does not take a compliment well at all.

5. His attention span is greatly improved when he is naked.

Bonus #6 – He’s a lucky son of a bitch because I get to have my way with him at times.

“Straight Acting”

Today I was on a Sydney train and my car was fairly empty because it was going both away from the CBD and the beaches toward the suburbs where I work when I am here. In fact, in this car it was just me and about four gay guys who I would guess to have been in their early 20’s. In some ways it was like going back in time because I remember being one of those guys. Also, a great deal of the younger men in Australia still dress like we did in the 1990’s so that just helped me visually.

As I sat there with my earbuds in pretending to listen to my iPhone, I listened to them talk about dating, meeting guys, and how they wish more guys were “straight acting”, even though, in my terms, they were not.

Those two words paired together just made me laugh because I didn’t know that in this day in time that was still a phrase, concern, or descriptor. One hundred and twelve years ago when I was dating prior to both Axel and high speed internet, “straight acting” was something I was all about. I described myself as that. I requested anyone I met on a date be that. And I defined the type of man I wanted by that.

The funny thing is that nobody really could define what it meant.

For me, it meant I did not want a club guy, a twink guy, or, god forbid, an effeminate guy. I wanted someone ready to be settled, someone with a sense of purpose, and, someone who was naturally masculine. Looking back, I think a lot of my self doubt, internal homophobia, and other issues were hiding behind the term, because I did not want to be around swishy men who might out me by virtue of their presence or flighty spirits who had their own course in life, most likely unplanned, and it didn’t matter what anyone thought of anything.

So, from my train point of view and in thinking about a lot of the labeling posts that Thumper has been writing, I decided that I think that this is a phrase of the youth, of the younger gay men who still, even now, lack the words and the understanding of what they want and who they want. Young men who have not yet met enough straight men who, through their acting, have shown them that that is no longer an attribute they need to ascribe to.

To double check this, tonight I did a Craigslist and Manhunt search and, sure enough, almost all of the “straight acting” requests were from men younger than 27 or older ones who had ads that said something like, “I’m 54, never married, straight acting, an avid collector of prized porcelain frogs. Nobody knows I am gay. Seeking xxxx, must be straight acting

With this post, I am making no judgement on whether or not the term is offensive, off based, or even relevant so this is just an observation.

That said, twenty years later, I have two friends who are so flaming that we can’t let them in our yard during the dry season, some twink or former twink friends, and a few straight men who are anything but straight acting within our close circle of friends along with some who are so masculine the Brawny guy would wonder if his dick is small next to them, so I certainly did not stay with the SA mantra as I aged.

What also hit me is the other irony in that, after all those years searching, I finally did land a straight acting man, aka Thumper. Aside from the fact that he likes boys too, he’s as straight acting, by pure definition, as they come (or not, as in his case) and it didn’t have a thing to do with his masculinity which, aside from his hair product fascination, is something that enters the room almost before he does.

Finally, I am not ashamed of having used the phrase to describe my preference for a masculine man any more so than I am ashamed of having that masculine preference.

However, if I were to place an ad now or describe myself, I think I would just go with “masculine” and leave it at that, unless I was describing myself in which I might use the words “Super Masculine”, complete with the capital letters since it’s just so obvious.

Anyway, just my random thoughts on wording, masculinity and me.

Toodles.

The Un-Authorized Spilling of Seed

Hello from the other side of the world.

Literally.

It’s rather lonely on this side of the planet (despite it being the homeland of my favorite Domme, Ferns) as most everyone I love in the world is home sleeping to wake up to the day I am just ending. That is still one of the strangest things about this gig to me, to know that I really only share about seven hours of a day with Axel.

As you know, I have had the luxury of a travel break during the last six weeks, or at least long travel, and I had no idea how hard this trip would hit me physically and emotionally.

Physically, I think I caught some sort of stomach bug the day I left that, unfortunately, hit me about two hours before the long flight ended and stayed with me most of yesterday. I am no longer sick, but have been left with chills and zero appetite and nothing, not even my precious diet coke, tastes right. Even food smells funny. That, combined with general jet lag has been enough to just wipe me the fuck out

Actually, from every movie and tv show I have seen it sounds like I am pregnant. Oh. Shit. Could I…

Wait, my husband and I have not done anything that could cause that and my boyfriend is locked in a steel tube, so I guess that option is off the table. Fuck. I have always wanted to be on the cover of People and it looks like I am going to be foiled by Bruce Jenner yet again in life. I wonder what his new name will be?

Anyway, I did manage a full day working today and got a workout in, but just was zoned out completely. Tomorrow is packed again but I know it will be better and I will likely be eating my way through Australia before the weekend is over.

On the emotional side, or maybe the physical, I fucked up and jacked off this morning without permission. Since I am device-less for awhile, we are relying on me to have self control and, this morning, I had none. The funny thing is I was not actually very horny. I just wanted to do it so I did. I thought about the fact that I didn’t text Axel first and ask (he was awake at the time and I could have) but I didn’t really care either and thought this was something that I’d just not mention just like “the old days”. That feeling lasted until about 2.7 seconds after I came when I was then overcome with an emotional guilt like I have not had before. I had just used Axel’s penis without permission and that was not allowed. I almost wanted to go sit myself down in the corner but, well, you all know how I feel about having ejaculate on me, so that guilt was washed away by the need to shower. At that point, never once did I think I would not tell Axel, but I just figured I would wait until the right time or when I was home.

That lasted all of about three hours when, during the middle of a meeting I was in, I felt absolutely compelled to text him to tell him; however I thought I would soften the blow with a complaint about how bad I felt stomach wise first. It went like this.

Screen Shot 2015-02-05 at 7.46.19 PM
First and foremost, I should tell you that when you are down under, evidently you hack off versus jack off, or at least that is what the iPhone thinks happens, but, I would assume that hacking is as forbidden as jacking, so I am still in trouble. This is my first offense, but, having given him the control, what happens now is not my decision. Perhaps he will forget.

In one way I think I am almost glad it happened and maybe deep down I was testing our new resolve, because when he and I take steps back from this new life, it’s usually because of a trip like this. So, we will see what happens in eleven days when I FINALLY get home.

In other news, have you all read the recent rabbit posts? He’s been on a roll and has some really good stuff posted, so check it out if you haven’t. He surprised me with something we aren’t talking about here yesterday when I landed and that, so far, has made my whole trip and will make future ones I know as well.

He and Axel both hate it when I say this, but one of the best things about these trips is the Facetime calls in the middle of my night and I always tell them to call and wake me up (however, I am usually up anyway). It’s a very “grounding” feeling and, while I evidently can’t explain it to anyone as to why, it just makes the days fun. I mean, who wouldn’t want to talk to either one while laying in bed naked?

Speaking of the two of them, they spoke today. Technically they instant messaged, but it was very funny because Axel messaged him and he thought it was me having just seen the last name and was, from what I hear, kinda an ass to him, or at least in Thumper’s mind (for the record, he’s not an ass to me, but having been inside each other we can say things like “hang on” or “busy” without issue). When he realized this it became Twitter fodder which I enjoyed because I suspect Miss Manner’s protocol would usually say that “when greeting your boyfriend’s husband for this first time, one should be polite”, so I knew the rabbit’s mind raced a few seconds. In reality, Axel thought NOTHING of it and told me that he told him that if he (Thumper) still felt bad, he’d send me up there on an unscheduled trip just to punish him (Thumpie, don’t you feel awful????? – hint hint).

It really was nothing but I tell you this to simply say, HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT? What a great reaction from Axel and this is just one more piece if the giant sea of okay that we swim in (for the record, we all knew this communication would take place as they are planning a very special birthday surprise for me during my birthday which coincides with my new bunny trip – wait, wait, I am projecting, the reality is that Thumper is an expert in an area that Axel needed some information in so it was silly for me to play the middle man).

Finally, it was pointed out to me that I don’t have text in the “about me” section (and that Thumper’s is out of date). So, to the arrogant ass who thought it was important enough to make that they only message they sent to me, thank you. We will get right on that.

So, from my balcony overlooking a shopping mall and a motorway I bid you adieu. I have an about me to do.

Inside the Bunny (and outside Axel)

So, it’s been a funny, yet, fun week.

To quickly sum it up I had a really slow work week; had my mother ask me if I had recently had an orgasm; had an orgasm; upsized my Prince Albert to a 4 gauge; finalized, paid, and submitted my Steelheart order; reached new, deeper levels of emotional and physical submission with Axel; got to spend naked, friend, and friendly-naked time with Thumper; bought a new travel bag that rocks beyond belief and potentially will not make my arm continue to go numb due to its design; bought myself a new Njoy 2.0 which is just like art designed to go up one’s rectum; and had great BBQ nachos – twice.

Oh yeah, and, I forgot to mention, I went vibrator shopping with my boyfriend for a new toy for his wife.

It was fascinating.

All sizes and textures. All those speeds. All those pastel colors. Ones with floppy little things on the top. Ones without. Ones that vibrate lightly. Ones that seem to simulate a donkey punch to one’s vagina. Oh, the questions and the enlightenment all wrapped into one pastel colored flowery box. It was delightfully fun.

To go back to the day with Thumper. It was great. I’m not going into any of the sexual details because it’s really not something that needs to be discussed, but this time, if there was any issue it was mine because the new ring caused some pain and the condom I chose was too small causing some edema, so, let’s just say I was not at my best and felt really awful about that. On the flip side, the bisexual bunny tongue is still one of the best tongues out there. Unfortunately for the world it is able to be marketed to a very limited audience, but, let’s just say, that if it were on the market, it would not come in a pastel box. I think that box would be a unibody stainless steel product with a nice black leather clasp with some sort of delicate jewel, you know, for the ladies, as the attachment point.

The other thing about these visits are they really are just fun and allow me to just be me for one whole afternoon or day because being around someone who knows your nastiest kinks and still thinks you are swell enough to lick, is just a great, open feeling. I think most of you can sense this through his writing, but something he can’t particularly address in the first person, nor can you really know yourself, is Thumper is just a fucking good man all the way around. His style, looks, deep intelligence, dark humor, and his love for Belle and his offspring just show in his eyes when he talks about his life and people just feel better when he is in the room. I certainly do, even when he’s not naked. He never fails to teach me something about politics, baseball, clitoral regions, and how to better access porn each and every time I am around him. Oddly, however, somehow these talks usually cause me to spend money.

Anyway, I think I can tell you that now without it worrying that it sounds romantic or too clingy or any of that shit we all worried about when we met because I think I realized that, whether or not it has actually been acknowledged formally, I think we finally have a settled definition of those attached elastic strings we wanted when we started versus the usually bolded NO STRINGS ATTACHED most men in our positions typically seek. It’s definition is fluid and has no actual words, but it’s one we just “know” and don’t really have to ever discuss again.

Oh, and by the way, I teach him things too. At the present I am not sure what they are, but, I know I have. Hmmmm.

On the Axel front, I think we are better than we have been in 17 years and I mean that with 112% accuracy. As great of a day as I had yesterday, I was just ready to come out of my skin during the last 30 minutes of my flight home because I was going to get to see him and take him to dinner – which he paid for thanks for a very clever Facebook post on my part. One of the best parts was at dinner when we were waiting on the aforementioned BBQ nachos (I mean, I do live in the BBQ capital of the WORLD) and he said, “So tell me about your day”. Having had the doors fly open on what Thumper and I do during our leather weekend a few weeks back, I soon found myself talking about the tight condom, the pinching ring, and the fact that Thumper thought it got in the way of his teeth. Then,THEN, I realized what I was doing and just stopped cold. COLD.

It was almost as awkward when, yesterday, I was waiting in the security line watching a really cute business man walk toward me and realized he was very handicapped in his gait when, at that point, I had the “don’t stare, stop looking at this cute man because he’s going to think it’s because of that and not how cute he is” voice in my head screaming at me (don’t judge, you have all done it) and, when, at that point he got his bad leg caught on something and fell flat on the floor. Hard. It was awkward because, he saw me, but laying there like that, he was no longer cute and I just had to walk away. FAST.

(I am so kidding, I helped him up, he made a joke, I wrestled with the voice in my head about whether I should laugh at it with him, and then I went to a separate entrance which Thumper teases me about).

Now, back to Axel, at that awkward moment I looked up and he was just beaming. Ear to ear smiling because he said, “You know, I really just meant to ask if you had gotten upgraded on the flight, BUT, I am very glad to hear that and would you even have ever believed we could be so “this” about this conversation, in public even. This new relationship has been so good for you, Drew, and I am very proud of all four of us”. It made me really, really warm inside before the next line was “So don’t fuck it up” (which he was smiling as he said it).

I also talked to him about me being more open on this blog about our “new” dynamic and he was okay with that, so some of this you will see moving forward. I had been careful with that because of Axel and also because of Thumper as I think it may be hard for him to think of submitting to a sub at times, although just those times, but, I think his really really slutty “I want to be used” part of his brain will hopefully one day find that a turn on in itself. He and I discussed it too, so good to go when I decide to actually do go there.

Finally, in summary,  I think I was just writing this post to tell you it was a good day and I am so happy these days. Many of you have played a role in that too by helping me be honest with myself and those around me, so thank you as well.

Tonight we have reservations at a great spot in town, so that will be fun too.

Now, be warned, this is likely the last of these happy posts because in the next 48 hours I will start a diet, bind myself to my gym plan, try to start running again (that will be Wed), and will be flying a combined 37 hours to my 10 day assignment which I have gotten out of the practice of doing. The worst part, though, is I have been home just long enough to have forgotten just what it’s really, really like to miss Axel and Stella (so have they) so that alone just makes it a tough ride without even counting the fucking rocket salads I am going to have to eat (ask Ferns, it’s “their” word for fancy lettuce).

Happy last day of January to you.