Inside My Closed Open Marriage

Last weekend I went away with a group of friends and, because it rained every single minute of our trip, we often found ourselves in odd little couplings talking about anything and everything. During one of these moments, the subject of open marriages came up and I found myself listening to my friends, half of whom know I am in one but didn’t disclose that, discuss them as if they thought participants were just crazy swingers having sex at every minute. It was funny in many ways, but it also made me think about what the inside of my open marriage looks like, so I decided to write about it.

The following is what I wrote and it is very unusual in that I did not assume that the reader knew anything about me as I wanted this to stand alone, even though I doubt it would ever be forwarded or posted elsewhere. Also, as those of you who have followed me will actually know the names, you will actually also see that I combined the Scotts into one person, as Axel really does think of them as one unit and, well, it was just easier to write.

So, feel free to fill in the blanks with the names you know.


I have a closed open marriage. It’s not about sex because it’s simply about so much more.

I thought about this topic last weekend when I confided in an old friend that my marriage was open and that each of us have someone on the side. His immediate reaction was not one of judgement as I expected, but one of jealousy, in a sense, when he said, “wow, so much sex. I can’t even imagine” which was followed by “must be so nice to just blow a little steam and then go home, but doesn’t that make it weird when it’s time to fuck (insert husband’s name here)?”  I think I smiled or did something else to acknowledge that I heard him, but I remember specifically not saying out loud what I wanted to say, because, at least in my openness, he could not have been more wrong.

To back up, my husband are in our eighteenth year together and our third as a married same sex couple. To the world, we are the stereotypical white collared Ward and Ward Cleaver gay male couple as we live in a recently gentrified neighborhood on the edge of both the hood and the multi million dollar homes, have two German SUV’s in the driveway with the pretty tags versus the standard ones, and a dog with a human name who wears sweaters when it’s chilly. We have a great sex life together, enjoy our time together immensely, and, to this day, find it surprising that we actually do love each other more every single day than we did the day before. What we don’t show, is that each of us have a boyfriend on the side who provide us with something we could not get from the other. The specifics of what we were seeking is not of importance at the moment, but in many ways, he and I have given each other a gift that, when translated, boils down to a proven level of trust, admiration, and respect for each other and our particular needs. This gift, is something I could never get from anyone except the man I married and I thank him, at least in my head, every single day for it.

For us, the openness started about six years ago when my husband brought up the idea and we discussed, analyzed, and dissected the concept before finally thinking we could make it work. We negotiated what each of us expected from the side relationship, what information we wanted to share and not share, and how we proposed going about cultivating, soliciting, and engaging said “boyfriend on the side”. Like many things before  and tons of things after it, he and I had very different thoughts on each of those points which caused us to find a middle ground that worked for us in theory, since said boyfriend was only hypothetical at that moment. The one thing we both immediately agreed upon was that, for us, we wanted a “closed open marriage”, a term we defined on our own, because there would be no random encounters allowed, no side sex for sexes sake, and that, no matter what, we would always be the first in each other’s lives. We were professional negotiators at the drafting of this deed and soon it was signed, sealed, and then sat on for about five years. Then, actually a year ago this week, I met my boyfriend, a bisexual married to a woman man who has turned out to be everything I didn’t expect in a very good way. Then, about two months ago, he met his soon to be boyfriend, a monosexual man married to a man, who I can honestly say is nothing like we ever thought he’d be either, also in a very good way.

Life is good and it’s working well, but to get back to the original point of this post, I can’t say any of us are having more sex because of our open marriages. In fact, right now, I’m having less sex because of my open marriage as the wonderful newness of the dating while aligning existing rules and making sure feelings are not getting stepped on has stressed out my husband to the point that neither his boyfriend or myself are getting much action. It’s no big deal as we know that stress in forty something men often sends the blood flowing to the brain versus the penis, which I have always assumed is just nature’s way of getting back to us for all the stupid things we did when blood flowed directly from the brain to the penis in our 20’s. This lack of sex and the over complication of emotions in my head is something I went through a year ago as well, so I am certain beyond a doubt that they and we will be back in action really soon as the newness settles and the reality that this is working sets in.

That said, at first, it’s an odd feeling watching your husband date and, in many ways, it’s cute seeing the man you have come to see as your rock get all weird and nervous because he didn’t understand the tone of a text or doesn’t know if it’s his turn to call or propose a next date or already worry about whether he should buy him a present for Christmas. Yes, it hurt a bit at first in unexpected ways that I still can’t believe, but we were very open about this as we each discovered that the hypothetical rulebook did not exactly overlay reality 100 percent. While it stung at first, that stinging was also balanced by a happiness for him as he was finally getting what he wanted as well and, for the first time, I really saw and felt what he had seen and felt a year before. Our “others” have become just part of our life, which was unexpected, I think, but there is not a night that goes by that he does not ask me “how is (insert his name here) today?” and, even more funny, is I know he truly means it and enjoys hearing about him as a person, as a boyfriend, as a father, and, even, as a husband to his wife. In turn, I always ask about his, though in truth we – – he, his husband, and I – have actually become friends, so I most always already know. We have found that it’s those little gestures that are just needed as way to continually remind each other that we indeed are still okay with exactly how it is and these gestures, like when my husband bought my boyfriend a small piece of art because it reminded him of him on our third month together, mean everything at the occasional time when you just need a check in to make sure the train is still on the track.

Surprisingly, I had never realized, nor thought about, how deep the level of intimacy in allowing the love of your life to go get naked elsewhere can actually feel. It’s the intense bond of trust and feeling of security at the very moment conventional logic tells you that you should be most insecure all coming together in a twisted way that just works in such an unconventional manner. It’s this intimacy, along with the communication that is absolutely essential in this situation, that frankly, has made my marriage and our “married sex” better, stronger, and more intense than it had ever been before and that was with just me having the other. Now, I hope, and feel, that it should only continue to excel as the giddy dater husband becomes the stable boyfriend husband, but time will tell that tale soon.

Finally, I don’t recommend this for everyone because all relationships are as different as they are bizarre. However, for anyone thinking about cracking open that door, my advice is to crack it slowly and with purpose and lay everything on the table before even peering around to the other side. Our way works for the hexagonal box that contains the six of us (spouses included) and we feel safe, secure, and happy in that box, but that does not guarantee success for anyone else ever.

So, for met friend, the reality us that it’s not the orgy you expected as it really is all about the trust, the communication, and the intimacy.

(and, well, yeah, the sex is pretty awesome too)

Honesty

I have no idea where to start with this.

First, every single person who plays a major role in my life right now has been in a weird mood. Myself included. While not really related in any way, we are all a bit too in our heads for our own good right now and it’s led to just a general funkiness that does not include a disco ball or glitter.  I am not worried about anyone really because we are all proven to pull out of these times – though it just sucks that we all hit it together.

For me, I have been almost downright angry at myself for having the feelings I have had about Axel and the, now to be known as, the Scotts (nobody thought they were “Kevin like” enough to keep that title). I am not really ready to go into where things stand with that at the moment but I am trying really hard to not let my insecurities negatively impact the threesome. With this, what we have come to realize is that Ax and I spent years laying out how it would work if he or I had a boyfriend, what we’d want, how we’d function and what we’d expect from one partner, or even two separate ones if the time and penis function allowed. When I met Thumper, Ax and I pulled out our rule book, applied every section to the individual aspects of the relationship, and Thump and I proceeded down the road of nakedness and sex with little, if any, bad feelings at or about home being in the way.

When Axel met the Scotts, it was originally just the Junior Scott (the younger one – they are actually physically both taller and as broad as me) and we took out the rule book and flipped the tab to the “Drew’s Expectations” chapter and immediately applied the rules and discussed the plan. Then, Senior Scott was introduced with the intention of being an equal side of that triangle and we continued down the structured path we had applied to just Junior.  It worked fine. For about an hour. That’s when it didn’t work and, as I type this, we are still negotiating and talking and I know we will work this out, but it’s not something that is going to happen overnight. The complicating factor here is that when I met them at dinner the other night, we clicked as a foursome. Not sexually a foursome, though frankly I would love to see them naked, but immediately as that couple we’d love to one day years from now rent a beach home with for a month and just have the best time ever. Frankly, that has never happened to us and these two men are just as adorable as men can get both as individuals and as a couple. It would have been so fucking easy if I hated them or didn’t like them, but, that’s not the case so we will continue to find a path to make it work.

I say these things as an update more so than as any type of solution, breakthrough, or discovery but also as part of the honesty I have tried so hard to portray right now as part of the inside of a recently opened marriage. Not one single feeling I have had over the last week has led me to even have one thought or regret about opening it, because, even this has made Axel and I closer because it’s made us talk, it’s made us listen, and it’s made us be brutally honest with each other about several feelings and factors that are part of our lives including my travel, an undisclosed indiscretion on his part, our couple goals and, of course, my relationship with Thumper – which, once again, Axel fully supports, encourages, and enjoys, especially now that he knows more details of it.

The key word in here though is honesty, as I do not think an open relationship would flourish if one primary partner was not honest with the other primary partner about everything on the table. For me and Axel, we tend to repeat a story to each other and will often find ourselves leaving out a word here, a comment there, or a remark over yonder in an effort to either shield each other from the brutal realities of said item or, most likely, just to not have to deal with any possible repercussion that might arise from it. We agreed to stop this and, during this conversation I asked about something little and was told “no, not discussed” to then see a text when we were doing something together on his Mac that not only indicated the issue had been discussed but that it was done prior to the time I was told it wasn’t (fyi, the text popped up, we were sitting together, I wasn’t looking). Now, the subject at hand was very minor, the issue was something he just didn’t want to deal with, and the issue never would have even arisen had the timing not been what it was, but, right there, we had a teachable moment that just hurt my feelings more than anything else. This was not by what was said, but by the slight lack of judgement that Axel had shown and it just made me really hone in hard that we will have ground rules and they will be followed. No option.

If I told you what the issue really was you would laugh because it was that minor and this sounds so ominous, but it was a vehicle for he and I to sit down, yet again, and look each other in the eye and ask “are you okay with this?”. For the Drew and Thumper show, the answer was an unequivocal “yes”. For Axel and the Scotts, the answer was “I don’t know yet” but that is something that will be sorted out over the next few days and I am 99 percent certain it will be fine.

Again, these are petty things but petty things turn into big things and our intention is to keep that from happening when and if possible. I understand that in situations like this there will always be emotions that are technically unjustified, but that is just what it is, and, frankly, the jealousy that has popped up the last week or two has been rectified by some pretty awesome sex and just general naked cuddly time. Since we have never been two who argued or fought, we have never really had make up sex and this has been a nice little side attraction to diminish some of the drama that we have imposed on ourselves.

Over the next few days I will update this saga and the who blew who details, but for now, just know that, even through the chaos of honesty, jealousy, and horniness, the primary bond is strong if not stronger.

The Other Side of the Open Door

Me again. I have been home about 18 hours and life as a fully open couple isn’t much different than life was when we were just halfway open. It’s weird, but we each slept on the same side of the bed we used to, Axel still liked the gray towel and I still liked the white one, and the applewood wood bacon that comes straight from God, via Costco, tasted the same amazing way too. Who’d have thought that, huh?

There are still those feelings that will pop in just a minute or two every couple of hours and they have to be dealt with, but they don’t worry me anymore like they did a few days ago because now, now that “it” happened, I know that it’s not anything that is going to cause any trouble, but it was enough that I thought I should write about it anyway.

However, first, breaking news, I spotted the couple, who I have decided to just call them Kevin and Kevin, a bit ago when Axel and I were at a street fair that has encompassed my neighborhood today. I said “spotted” like I was on a hunt of some sort and in reality, it was via Axel tapping me on the shoulder and saying “there they are, THERE” as he pointed toward a group of gay men in tank tops all with perfect hair despite the fact that there are literally 75,000 people in a two block area and that it’s 90 something degrees today (I looked like a horse that needed to be put down by then). We knew they were going to be there but they were with family from out of town, so Axel and the Kevins had already discussed that if we saw each other, great, but if not, we would not force a meeting in front of strangers (translation: Axel knows I am short tempered and pissy when hot and in crowds, so he didn’t want to risk me being an inadvertent ass to his boyfriends), though we did offer to let them park in our driveway. Anyway, there they were. In living flesh. Luckily for me in my dead looking horse state, they were way across the street holding nephews or borrowed children or something, so we didn’t have that sweaty hot greeting. They did not see us, but I saw them and, though cute, I found some strange satisfaction in realizing I was in better shape than they were. Petty I know, but I own it. But, from just watching them and having heard about them, they seem to be two really good chaps and, for Axel, I hope this works out as well as it has with me and my boyfriend.

All of that out of the way, I wanted to go back to my two posts this week about my side of the open door and discuss discussing the other side of open. When I started writing those posts, they were from my gut and were quite cathartic in many ways, so I am very glad that I wrote them as they helped me deal with things and also helped both Axel and Thumper see more into why I was acting like I was or more about how I saw things (btw, I asked Axel to read each of those as I do when something is there I feel he should see). What I didn’t realize when I started that is that I was essentially writing from a perspective of an open couple that many people don’t get to see. This means that I talked about the negotiations, the hurt feelings, and the actual, real life, somewhat stark realization that you are not all that your partner needs.

Ferns, my Australian girlfriend, left a comment on the first of the two posts that said:

I don’t see that many non-monogamous folks talk all that honestly about these complicated feelings. In fact what I mostly see is that everything is ‘great!’ and ‘fine!’ until suddenly it’s a big mess of jealousy and hurt and serious consequences and there is no insight into how that came about.

As usual, she was spot on, so that made me feel better about having laid it all out there then, and even now and over the next few weeks as this continues to evolve. I will continue to do that because it is what it is, and I refuse to just tell you that all is shiny and wonderful while still not 100 percent sure in my mind that it is.

Having said that, I would say that last week when I wrote the posts, I was at a 65 percent “I really am okay with this” place on post one and an 80 percent or so place when I wrote post number two. Today, as I sit here and type, I am likely at a 97 or even 98 percent place in my head and now find myself looking forward to what is going to evolve and how the Kevins are going to fit into Axel’s life primarily but into mine as well. I say that now through a bit more negotiation and thought in my head and was really moved by Thumper’s post yesterday but especially by this paragraph:

I never thought about openness with Belle because early on my feelings for her were such that I didn’t want anyone else. Saw no point in anyone else. There was no room inside me for anyone else. Now that’s changed. Luckily, we still have a connection and I still want her and need her in my life, but we’re both fundamentally different.

When I read that, I realized one immediate thing and one not so immediate thing. The first is that some of what I was grappling with the last week was a feeling that Axel and I had “let each other down” in a sense by NOT being everything each other needed. Rational Drew realized that one can’t be all to everyone and that this is indeed okay and he’s proud to be married to someone that understands that too, but irrational Drew felt slightly ashamed, slightly embarrassed, and slightly angry that he could not be it all for Axel (though it was perfectly fine that Axel couldn’t be it all for him). These thoughts had nothing to do with the Kevins or with Thumper, but they were the catalysts that fueled them, and I know now that those were the “things” I mentioned last week that I just could not put the right words on the screen to describe the actual sensation, most likely because I was in a place that was too raw for me to have completely silenced irrational Drew. I refuse to say Thumper used magic words, but what he did was cause the “moment” where the realization met reality and I am very happy to have that past me now because, it is, indeed changed from when we first partnered, while in our 20’s, and this open state is really some intense growth that has taken place for both of us as a couple and most likely was and is needed for our long term survival as a duo.

The second realization involves jealousy and the understanding that the jealousy I was, and still slightly am, feeling isn’t the fact that “Kevin is doing my man”, but it’s the excitement that Axel suddenly has in his world. He has that “young and stupid in lust” look and talk and I’m not the one causing that or being involved in that, so I think that is where the fourth wheel comment came from. And, at the same time, while not to the extent that Axel had, Thumper also had/has a renewed “energy” about Frodo and, god dammit, I couldn’t relate to that either. It was a double whammy of bad timing. However, as I realized yesterday again, it wasn’t (and isn’t) about the people at all, just the energy surrounding the activity and I had inadvertently let my ego be pretty wildly deflated by the Kevins and the Frodo and, in retrospect it was silly, but a human reaction so I also own that. I was honest with both Thump and Axel about this last night and simply told them that I was in a deflated place and asked them to keep that in mind and that if there is anything they could do to help me boost it, I would be appreciative. I know that is like saying “I am about to come out in a pretty dress so make sure you tell me how amazing and thin I look in it”, but, as I have told you, these two are alike in how they notice and react to things, so I just decided to put it out there instead of waiting to see if it went away or what. Oh, and before the comments start, yes, I know my ego will come back on its own and yes, I know I have plenty to have a boosted ego about, but this is just one of those inside the relationship and friendship moments that the outside world cannot affect.

Of course, turn about is fair play, and I absolutely see that a year ago I was giddy over meeting the rabbit and he was me too. Axel had his ego bruised during that period too, and while I knew it then, now I really know it, so I am going to be doing some reverse ego mending too. He got through it and I certainly will, but in this case, both sides of the door look the same and they are a nasty color that does not go with anything else in our home. So, like the ugly figurine his mother once gave us for Christmas, it wont be allowed to last long in this house at all.

Now, from the door itself, which I assume would be my home with Axel, all is well in the House of Drew tonight and it’s just going to get better (also because Kershaw pitches tonight too).

110 Percent Honesty – Part One

Axel has a date tonight. With a couple.

There. That’s out. Over and done.

Actually, while that is true, the build up toward tonight’s date for him has created a rather raw week as we have examined emotions, feelings, thoughts, and, mostly, irrational thinking on both our parts. You see, Axel is the one who wanted to open us up about three or four years ago. He brought up the subject. We discussed our points of view on it. And he went out actively looking and I set about somewhat, at the time, passively looking. Both of us fully believed that he would be the first one with a “significant side guy” and we were equally shocked when a year ago, right about now, I met Thumper and you all know where that is. In this time he has had two little “things”, one being a 3 event “thing” with a mutual friend who he found out he really didn’t like and one mutual jack off with a person I would describe as my absolute and complete nemesis, professionally and personally. When that happened, I was never mad at the act, though I was very mad at the lack of judgement and maybe, just maybe that has led to some of the feelings this week.

Axel and I have two very different personalities and in the rules of our extra engagement that became clear. At the time, he did not want to know much about the person I was with, wanted no details about the exchanges, and only asked that I let him know if and when something was going on. I, on the other hand, wanted to know everything. I promised I would not interfere, but I do not like the unknown and as a sufferer of some severe anxiety throughout my life, the wonder about what is happening would kill me much faster than the actual details, most of which I would not mind hearing about anyway if it made him happy. So, that is how we ended the plan years ago.

When I met Thumper, Axel kept his hands off approach the entire time and never pushed, never asked, and I didn’t tell because that is what I thought he wanted. As a few weeks went by, he started asking more questions and ultimately, the night after the first time I was all naked and with Thumper, he asked for certain details and I told him. As a few weeks progressed, Thumper and I had talked about him more in the context of me and Belle and some general stuff and then one day I got a text from Thumper saying something like “FYI, I just friended Axel of Facebook”, which was immediately followed by Axel texting saying “FYI, Thumper just friended me on Facebook, what do you want me to do?“. I thought it was surprising but fine and this electronic relationship led to one or two chats and some business together via a third party they each knew, but they have never exchanged physical words (though I just want that to happen one day to see Thump’s reaction to his accent). Where we stand now is that Thumper is a daily part of our conversations and Axel follows his very thorough Facebook feed because, by doing so, he learns more about him and never has to go to a news website or entertainment one, because Thump pretty much shares anything that he feels the educated world needs to see, and that’s perfect for both of us.

I mention all of that because of a few things. That veiled social media connection made things very fuzzy in my head when it came to Belle and Frodo because, well, I just didn’t know if or how that kind of “flow” could or should only go one way. But, that is not the point of anything now other than to say that it’s just made me wonder if they needed to know me in the same way Axel knows Thumper and, I kind of wanted that for that inner need I have for approval because I want them, in theory, to see more than the stories about what I do to Thump and to know that I am a good man who cares for him and would never do anything to hurt either him or them. Belle knows this by now, I assume, both because of the time and history that has now taken place and purely because she is one of the greatest women alive because of her mindset toward things. Another factor in this feeling happened this last week and, being 110 percent honest here, in the first few hours after Thumper told me what he did with Frodo, I immediately saw Frodo as a threat to something, not really me and Thumper, but just something I cannot explain. It was just a feeling in the sense that he had known Thump for 35 years, knows Belle, knows his family, etc and, again, in those few hours I felt almost like a cast aside mistress condemned to the condo her executive bought her to “keep” her in silence. However, when rational Drew who wasn’t exhausted by a surprise trip kicked back in, I realized that Frodo is no threat to me in ANY SINGLE WAY because he and Thump want something else, do something else, and what I do to, for, and with Thump sexually is not something in his wheelhouse (I hate that term) and that is never going to change. So, I breathed, I thought, I talked to Thumper, and I didn’t worry any more about that and thought, in my mind, writing a blog post about being okay with things and saying hi to Frodo would seal that deal. And, for me it did. But, I feel like I owed a deeper explanation after talking with the rabbit a bit more in the days since, so that is why I write the above. As for them knowing I am the good guy and junk, that is Thumper’s business and his job to convey that should it ever be questioned. So, for now, that’s not a single factor in my mind anymore and I hope it won’t be again.

So, during the same period as that, Axel met a guy who wanted a Daddy type figure in his life and, given that the guy was younger, cute as a puppy in tall grass, and seems to be very intelligent, Axel was all on that idea. So was I. Then, it shifted a bit because, we always knew this fellow was married, but it turns out that his husband wants the same thing, and they have essentially asked Axel to consider being their third. Now, going back to the fact I wanted to know all of the details, Axel was telling me this and I was okay with it. However, at the beginning of this week, I started having just bizarre feelings of jealousy, a feeling of being left out, and, well, just having a general cloud over me that, unfortunately also floated over Axel because of the way the wind in our house flows. In my head, I had been and continued to be fine with him seeing “a boyfriend” but two was something I had never thought about and this really played out in my head very funny. On top of this, my need to know everything and to know them kicked in, and I made a spectacle out of myself trying to think about asking that I meet and approve them with Axel, then that went to just me being home the first time when they fuck so I could physically see and be seen when he got home and could see with my own eyes that things were okay, to finally just saying “I trust you and do what you need to do”. I said that because I talked to Thumper about this and he told me I was being an idiot. Actually, he told me my feelings were very valid and that me opening up about these things very much helped him see more into why I thought me, him, Belle and Frodo could all play Uno of Friday nights together, but he also told me that, in his opinion, I was being highly unfair to Axel and that I was adding a layer of bureaucracy on top of his outside relationship that he did not dare even mention or attempt to mention back when I met Thump and in the days since, so, yet again, he was right.

After that I texted Axel that all was good and that he should go with his gut and then, in some form of penance, went and locked the Steelheart on, shoved a plug in my ass, and told him that I would be here when he got home later (a rare fact on a Tuesday). When he got home, we were both in good moods, smiling, talking and then he stood up, told me to follow him upstairs to the bedroom and strip and he then unplugged me and fucked me like he had not done in 18 years before coming, locking the plug back in place, and then walking out to go to his client while I sat there stunned, chaste, and plugged again. It was really something just incredibly fun and made every bit of the sub inside of me happy until the text came about five minutes later that reengaged my Dom side when it said “I took your spare key and you will also notice a plug missing and it’s where you think it is. When I get home tonight, Dom Drew comes out when I unlock you and you are going to fuck me like you have never done before. Love you. Oh, if you go to Target, we are out of toothpaste” (he tries, he really tries).

This is getting long and I have a flight to catch, so stay tuned for Part II coming soon to this blog. Spoiler alert, Axel gets fucked, schedules a date with his potential boyfriends, and Drew gets weird again.

To be continued…

“Mom and Dad, meet Thumper”

As a further glimpse into my weird, kinky, life, I thought I would share with you this morning’s visit to see my parents, which resulted in a discussion about my sex life, in vague details that were clear enough to scare me.

However, first, let me lay a few things out on the table about my Mom and Dad. They are wonderful human beings and have aged into the most accepting, loving people one would hope to ever meet. As they approach their 80’s, they have continued to evolve having discovered  “the Netflix” and other items.  Trust me, walking in to find them watching a lesbian sex scene from Orange is the New Black is something forever scarred into my memory. But, to go back, I think I have mentioned that I was raised by two WASPy types who made me dress for dinners and sent me to etiquette classes when I was in primary school. However, as I approached high school, something changed with them and by the time I was in university my mother was regularly using the word fuck, although usually in wrong, random places. But she tried.

As an adult, and especially now after really getting to know “things” from all of “the straights” who I have gotten to know through this blog, I really do have to wonder about what actually precipitated that change, although, they are still “Mom and ___” (I have always, always called my Dad by his first name so it’s hard to type otherwise), so I just can’t let my mind go there. One day I will share my coming out story to you because it’s sitcom worthy and resulted in my Mother’s entire address book knowing within 12 hours and my mother asking me if I were “top of bottom?” (which is, by the way, not a question a scared 23 year old should ever be asked by their parents. EVER. Take note parents of potentially gay children) but something they said to me that night gave me a clue I have never forgotten. Said clue was the result of my trying to temper the mood with humor and I said something about being glad I was now able to call off the troop of friends I had lined up to “rid my house of the gay” should something happen to me. At that moment, my Mom, who was in her early 50’s at the time, said “Drew, you need to realize that your father and I are sexual creatures and when we die, you will find things here too”. “NO, NO, NO, NO” along with a chorus of The Farmer in the Dell was was what was immediately going through my mind because I could not hear that then and really don’t like to now. Although, as a side note, as soon as I got to my car, I pulled my brick cell phone out to call my sister to share that with her too, because, well, why not? I didn’t even care that it cut into my 20 minute a month cell package from Cingular Wireless.

Okay, let’s now flash forward to today, so twenty something years later. Mom and ___ are celebrating 60+ years together and still light up when the other walks in the room. My mother is in the early stages of dementia that, luckily, has not progressed in years. But, as any of you who have dealt with this know, with that there are some days when things are really clear and other days when they simply are not. We send Stella there a lot because we have found that having a dog around extremely helps her focus and, as evidenced by today, it works.

So, ALL of that to say that this morning I had been at their house for an hour or so just doing what I do when there (adjusting the TV, paying a bill or two, and cleaning porn off of my Dad’s Macbook because he somehow always saves to the desktop) and, as I was getting ready to leave, my Mother said “Drew, your Dad and I are wondering about your marriage and how things are”. This did not immediately worry me because I actually get that question at least 10 times a week from virtual strangers just based simply on my travel and how many nights I am away. However, her question was then followed by, “Because we are so happy and proud for both of you”.

Now that puzzled me and before I could say anything she quickly excused herself to the bathroom leaving me and my Dad standing there looking at each other like “What the fuck is about to come out of this woman’s mouth?” He didn’t say anything at all and I decided to text both Axel and Thumper to let them know what hell I was about to have to deal with, you know, because I am a sharer.

But, when she came back she sat down, which I had also done, and just said “You know we watch you both and we love you each so much and we do worry, but in the last three or four months, you both just seem so happy and content and we are proud of you for so many years together and still looking like that”. WHEW. That was sweet and I could have left there at that point just smiling, however, this is when the suddenly very clear sexually liberated pre-Alzheimer’s seventy something part of her said “Is it because you are having great sex when you are at home. Or, I guess elsewhere when you are out, I mean, who am I to judge, great sex is great sex?”

I did not know what to say. I am not even sure I had a facial expression at the moment. My father looked like he was about to cry, vomit, or go find his porn filled Macbook but we just stood there and looked at each other while Mom smiled like Thumper does after he gets fucked.

Drew. Did. Not. Know. What. To. Say.

After that and at least one more text to Axel, I just said, “Yes, Mom, my sex life is amazing”. In my head, I was thinking of all the second sentences that would pair with that like “when Axel let’s me climax” or “when I go see the boyfriend” or “when Thumper growls because he likes it when I hurt him”, so, I just decided to leave right then.

Actually, this was really nothing but just funny. I am thrilled I still have these problems to deal with and this just made me be very happy that in a world of Amy’s, I am extremely glad to often be reminded that I was not raised by two of them.

The other take away is that they recognized an external happiness that, evidently, both Axel and I are displaying. The opening of our life was amazing and is showing and I am shocked how fast it’s just becoming normal. As another example, Axel has started talking about Belle more. Not in the “is she okay with this” kind of way it started, but now in the “by the way, how is she feeling” way, because he now sees her as the wife of my friend and it doesn’t matter that they have not met nor does it matter what I do to her husband. That’s probably very minor to all of you, but to me it’s HUGE and, well, just makes me, I guess, even happier.

D

P.S. – as a follow up, the second chastity looking lamp was purchased. Axel comment, “Love this. You will coordinate nicely with them if you are being used as furniture”. Lampshade pic below.

Image-1-7

Insomnia and my mind. Be warned.

It’s almost 3:00 in the morning and I cannot sleep. I tried, but having a strep-ish flu-ish ridden bed partner who is coughing like a chain smoking lesbian truck driver does not lend itself to a peaceful slumber.

I laid there at least two hours thinking about things like how good my penis feels with the metal rod through the end and, now that there is no pain, how groovy it is that I can push in toward the tip and actually feel and even hold the bar inside there.

That got me thinking about chastity and how much I look forward to being able to wear a device again because I have found I have really missed it. For me, what I have discovered is that I love the fact that I am controlled yet still unlocked to fuck Axel or Thumper and, while it’s a different animal in many ways, my switchiness has even pervaded the Dom/sub dynamics at home because, in actuality, I set many of the rules as to how and why I will not be locked down. Axel has the power to change them, of course, but I don’t see that happening for awhile just based on him and how he approaches life and his dominant role. All that said, I am very different than Thumper in that when I am unlocked, it’s very rare I want to just Tumblr surf and jack off, because I like the feeling of self denial and will often wait as long as possible just because. In fact, I actually see him for two days at the end of this week and I am not sure I will come then (btw, we need a collective crossing of fingers now so that he and I both escape our partners germs – thank you)

Following that, I started thinking about how much I really, really like the one floor lamp I bought yesterday on sale and that I think I’d be a fool not to go back tomorrow and get the matching one (they are stainless steel and the top looks like a Steelheart tube cap). Of course, that led to where the one I will be replacing it with should go and, that drama alone is enough to keep me up for at least an hour. However, I soon rationalized how, in reality, me leaving one sale lamp is very inconsiderate as the store now an unmatched set to deal with. So, I now have a Saturday morning shopping adventure but am still torn about where to move the old one. Oh, the troubles of a gay man with a furniture sale and a limited floor plan.

Of course, it started raining here and that is a sound I LOVE so I had to stay awake and listen to that for a bit, right? We have a master bedroom on the second floor with a vaulted ceiling AND covered hot tub area below the window that is roofed with aluminum, so rain sounds are just wonderful. THAT led to me thinking about those wonderful, guttural sounds that Thumper makes when I hurt him and began immediately planning on what I am going to do Thursday to get him there quickly with the help of a small box that will be delivered to me on Monday from Mrs. S Leather. Oh, the purring I am planning.

Not yet settled, the next round of thoughts began with how much I LOVE BEING HOME with Axel and my friends who are also off, but how much I am LOVING that most go back to work on Monday leaving me here to write and actually work in peace. Everyone being around has changed the way I eat, the way Thumper and I talk, the way I get in my zone to work from home when here, and how the world has been in my way every single time I try to run an errand mid day. It’s just madness I say.

Then hunger hit and my focus turned to the two packages of Nutter Butters and Vienna Fingers that I bought at Target yesterday. I felt they were very lonely downstairs and that I needed to get a bit of a snack, so here I am typing away wrapped in a blanket (and what appears to be a towel that was statically attached to the blanket) with cookie crumbs all over the place. It’s not a pretty sight.

All that actually caused this next part because I had been thinking how I just want to really say thank you to the people who wrote me yesterday or commented on my blog and to all of you who also did the same for Thumper. Oddly, that Amy letter did not bother me until I saw how much it bothered Thumper, which then infuriated me and still has to some degree. It’s funny because in the evolution of the Drew and Thumper Show, we have reached the point of going into protection mode for each other when one is offended or hurt. It’s kinda cute and kinda just nice knowing someone has my back if needed. While I HATE to use a brother type reference with someone I fuck, it does have that natural protective feeling to it, not the just for show kind one sometimes feels.

Finally, and I promise that this time, an old friend has come back into Axel’s life that has the potential to be something more (but should he read this I have to specify it’s early and very very potential). While I was initially bothered by the fact that it didn’t bother me, I realized I have nothing to say about it as long as our rules are followed and I really hope this might work for him as the guy is not local but does work here twice a month which, as I know from experience, is not a bad arrangement.

Now, want to know what the absolute best/weirdest/creepiest thing would be about Axel possibly dating this guy?

Since I am guessing you won’t guess it…

Dude has the exact, and I mean the exact first and last name of the real Thumper (I know it’s a bit like me telling you there is no Santa, but Thumper is not really his name as Drew is not mine either) AND, AND dude’s son also has the same name as the Rabbit’s offspring. Further proof that life is just weird!!

Can you just imagine the discussions in my house about “my xxx xxxxx is WAY hotter than your XXX XXXXX”. They will be funny, but I say that only because I know I will ALWAYS win that argument. Always.

Have a great Saturday.

D

A Naked New Year Vow

So, here we are, the Eve of New Year’s Eve. In case any of you care, New Year’s Eve is my least favorite “holiday”. In fact, I would go so far as to say that I HATE New Year’s Eve and have done so for my entire life.

I resent feeling like I “have” to go to a party just to start a year.

Of course, tomorrow I have to go to a party, you know, to start the year.

However, the good news, well, somewhat good news, is that Axel has the flu and may not feel like going. Wouldn’t that just be horrible? Of course, I’d need to stay home to play nurse, naturally.

Bless his heart.

At the end of the year I generally like to look back and write these long, flowing posts about life, love, and other things, but this year I am not doing that. Instead, I am simply going to say that I had a great 2014 and am proud of myself (and Axel) for opening my mind to new things, starting this blog, and officially opening my marriage because it’s been a fucking fun few months.

The one thing I always enjoy about the New Year is the chance to take a look ahead and make a few plans. I am not one to technically make “resolutions” because, well, I simply don’t like to follow the norm, but my plans are generally along the same path and since I have been very “out there” in the last few months, I have decided to make a few vows for 2015. Besides, I think a “vow” is much stronger than a “resolution”, don’t you think?

So, all that fun stuff to say, for 2015 I vow to:

Show myself fully naked (neck down, of course) to all of you by June 1st.

I know I am not in awful shape now, but I am not where I want to show myself off to more than the two people who currently see me naked now. This will serve as my motivation and I suspect there are several of you who will constantly remind me of the upcoming date.

That said, I have hired a trainer who understands I do not have a normal life and can’t do things like Crossfit and other things I want to do based on my schedule, so he is creating a plan for me that travels and tomorrow is our first day of training.

Never beat myself up ever again for my kinks and my desires.

To do this I plan to encourage Axel to do the same, as it benefits us both. I hope this means I will spend more time locked, more time with something inside me, and more time adhering to the chalkboard rules.

Also, with this vow, I intend to also more fully embrace my “super switchiness” and, when possible and during “those times”, take Thumper to that rocket place of pain where he makes that magical sound more often while also perfecting my fucking technique to a precision pattern that will leave him walking sideways for at least an afternoon – or two.

To continue to defy as many stereotypes as I can

I rather enjoy being the gay married business guy in the expensive suit with a tattoo, a rod in my cock, who is going about his day in the corporate world while almost always thinking about what he wants to ask his boyfriend to put up his ass just to make me giggle and swoon all day.

So, I am going to find a way to expand this.

To travel more

Yeah, this is just here for shits and giggles. In 2014 I spent 240+ nights in hotels and traveled 297,308 miles.

I have no idea what the year holds to be honest, but I hope to NOT beat these numbers.

To be the best husband, friend, son, brother, boyfriend, and man I can be

I actually always, always start every year by telling myself this; however, this year I just added one new word that I am not sure I ever expected I would add.  For the record, it made me smile.

So, those brief vows said, Happy New Year to you all. I hope 2015 brings you nothing but love, blessings, and all that other junk.

D

P.S. – as a funny aside, Axel is in the kitchen and, as I finished this, I yelled across the house that I had just made a vow to post a naked picture of myself as an incentive to get off the couch.  I heard nothing and then he appeared saying in the most accenty of accents which is somewhat sexily muted and gravely by his illness,  “Whoa, now, Drew, I am really, really liking this new side of you, but this is a bit much.  Don’t you think you should reign yourself in? I mean, no.”

I was a bit shocked until I realized that he thought I had put that vow on Facebook.

HNY

Axel’s Moment of Public Evolution

I guess I should warn “those people” that is this not a sexy, kinky post as one needs to have been sexy and kinky recently to post a lot of that. I have felt neither this week but it’s coming back.

As I have mentioned, I am not traveling for almost three weeks and this is really throwing me off my game. Yes, I still have work to do (in fact, I am staring at a 150 page report I have to write that’s due Friday that I have only known about for six months and carried to four continents with me), but the inner Sheldon I carry around in my head is screaming at me because there is nowhere I HAVE to be and no logical schedule to be following.

Prior to this job, I was the typical 8-5 executive who always had an office to go to and a stress level that caused me to lose what hair I had left. When I switched careers, I spent months adjusting to having every day be different and often in a different city, but I quickly realized that no routine WAS the routine so it settled and I learned to embrace it and my stress levels are lower than in the last 20 years professionally. However, when home, I was struggling because I often became overwhelmed at the fact I had one, two or three nights to do what I used to have seven do to. This caused stress between Axel and myself because, frankly, I am just an ass when the world is not going my way. I try to fight it, but I just can’t sometimes.

That is where the idea of me being more controlled at home and while away in chastity came from and it was working, but with December being what it was professionally for him and my sex organ bleeding, the magic of that control dried up for a few weeks. However, as I have said, it will come back and I am looking forward to it. In fact, Axel and I talked this week on our road trip to what I call “Southern Hell”, aka, the in-laws, about how to get that back and how the chastity, we realized, had played a huge role in things. That is too much to add here, but I plan a separate post on that later today or tomorrow because I feel it’s important to share or at least for me to remember when I read this years from now for my own information.

Speaking of that trip, honestly that is what inspired this post in a way because it made me realize exactly how comfortable and how happy I have been since allowing myself to embrace my kink side, since allowing you all into it, since beginning my relationship with the bunny boyfriend, which ALL circles back to Axel and I opening our marriage.

I know it’s hard to get how all of that can happen around an aluminum Alabama Christmas tree, however, in this case, I was very out of my element and wanting to just tell every single person in the room that I had a piece of titanium in my penis, like plugs in mine and my boyfriend’s asses, and that I have met Doms/Dommes/slaves/subs/and pets in the last few weeks. It was crazy, but I had such a feeling of not fitting in that I was struggling to even make conversation. Of course, that was not fair to Axel so I worked hard and got past it, but it wasn’t easy.

I have told you I am a proud Southern man and was born and raised “down here”, but Axel and I come from very different Souths. Mine is one of acceptance, private education, dressing for Sunday dinner (at 2pm), and using one’s natural accent for emphasis or sexiness (or just when drunk). His South is, unfortunately, more stereotypical where judgment rules, religious symbols are placed everywhere (someone we know has a picture of Jesus printed on vinyl and cut to fit the hood of their Camry), accents are just, well, bad for the image of all Southerners, and our German SUV is still looked at as “one of them foreign cars” and seriously does elicit stares.

That said, most of the people are good, hardworking people and have never, ever treated me with anything but respect, even while praying for the gay to go away. However, after hearing my mother-in-law refer to me as Jake multiple times (yes, while Drew is not my real name, it’s not Jake either and after 17 years, she should know it) and after my father-in-law and his wife gave me a giant cross sticker for the window of our cars, I ALMOST lost it before Axel suddenly jumped in and started explaining how all of that was inappropriate, how we were both pretty much agnostic and, even if we were religious we’d never have it on our cars, and that my name is ____.

It was really funny because then he started talking about how they could use a nice “re-think” of everything, how people, including their neighbors have secrets behind closed doors, and how praying to the Camry would likely not save their soul. When the irrational people left and the conversation evolved, I had stepped out for a bit and came back in to hear him talking about this couple he knows that have the kids, the house, perfect careers, and the dog, but have open minds about life and how they thrive. In fact, that “husband even has a boyfriend” (which caused two gasps and one brother in law to be seen adjusting his crotch) and that she is “encouraging of it and sees it just like when she goes to the spa”. I am not sure if I was too proud of him to be happy or too happy to realize how proud I was or just too busy looking around the table to see if anyone was putting two and two together (they didn’t and I didn’t blush) but it was just one more step on the Axel evolution ladder in a weird, weird setting.

So, this was a long post about nothing, but just shows that once again, the dominoes are all falling in a row and that just makes me smile harder than I would if a troop of hot firemen were to walk through the room (well, maybe not).

More tomorrow on chastity and the plans for January but until then, remember, if feeling blue, go find yourself your own Camry to pray to. I hear it helps.

P.S. Yes, Thumper, I know you predicted I would not know what to do with myself with 3 weeks off.  The bunny is always right, folks

The Complaint About My Words – A Synopsis of The Drew Duality

This afternoon I got my first complaint.

I have gotten rude comments, questions, and compliments over the months, but never a complaint.

You see, Joelsub32 wrote me a rather eloquent message that said,  “Dude, your blog is supposed to be about you being a slave to your husband and owning a straight guy’s ass – which is hot. I looked and it’s all words and it’s about your life -not hot. Plus, who is Axel, Thumper and Stella? Too many names – also not hot.”

Well, what can I say, Joel? Have you heard of Tumblr?

Although I doubt Joel will ever read this, I decided to write a little synopsis here for new readers who, I hope can comprehend a bit more than Joelsub32.

The CliffsNotes of The Drew Duality:

The Blog: It’s true, it was supposed to be only about my submission to my husband and my dominant relationship with a bisexual married man who is locked in chastity and longed to be fucked by a man. While I think the original intend would be that this would be about a great deal of sexual details and less about life, what this has turned into is an outlet for me to explore my kink side through words, challenge myself at times, and chronicle my day to day life with “the husband” and the bisexual man (he’s far from straight, Joel), now often referred to simply as “the boyfriend”.

The blog has taken on a life of itself and is something I very much enjoy, so it’s going to continue and will evolve as my life does, as a husband, as a boyfriend, as a professional executive trainer, as a traveler, and, most importantly, as a switch who is navigating all of these waters as they flow together.  Finally, I write this blog as the man who is made up of all of those things and as a man who has honestly never been happier in his life as he comes to find a bit more peace in his soul every single day in accepting those things that drive his mind and his penis to great pleasure and as he finds some great people along the way.

The Husband (Axel): My partner of 17 years (and my legal husband of two), known only here as Axel, a name HE chose by the way, is an amazing man who I confessed my kink side to in 2008. Since that time it has been an evolving path of discovery often taking three steps forward and 117 back before repeating the process and starting again. Eventually, we made progress and are now at a spot where he wants and is taking more and more control of my life at home, which I happily give him (although due only just to life events, right now we are in one of the reverse series – but it’s all okay).

Our path took a great leap when we decided to open our relationship so that we could each explore things we wanted but were not getting at home. For Axel, he had a few dalliances that were only that and never amounted to anything more (but he is determined to find his own boyfriend soon). For me, this openness was really only symbolic until I met “the boyfriend” in October. At that time everything really exploded on both sides, with Axel deciding he wanted me to have a prince albert followed by chastity control and some structure at home, while also allowing me every freedom in the world I want or need with the boyfriend.  He is an amazing man and I am proud to share my life and my last name with him.

The Boyfriend (Thumper): Thumper really needs no introduction because of his incredible blog I was a huge fan of before we met (although I still am a huge fan too). He is a married, bisexual father whose wife keeps him locked in chastity 24/7 and has for over six years.  His full story and amazing blog can be found here, but we found each other after he wrote a post about wanting to be fucked by a man and I simply volunteered which was step one.  Step two was us clicking like long lost friends and realizing that we shared many unique things (and we continue to do so such as PA dates and times and, this week, I realized my ATM code is one he uses for something else – really, of all the numbers and codes in the world we use the same ones??) and that our kinks not only clicked, but they aligned almost perfectly like a delicately shaped plug designed for a gaping hole.

We started out as Dom/sub, Sir/boy, and I used many names for him publicly that I now use in private at the right times (except DILF -it’s just so fucking true to not be public) and had rules, challenges, and tasks which were followed by amazing sex, but after that we realized that our real lives were suffering at the expense of these activities and that the possibility of really being friends and knowing each other for the men we are would not be possible under the mask of me as always a Dom and him as always a sub. This new “freedom” has allowed him to serve as my kink mentor, female anatomy advisor, baseball coach, tech support hotline, my hole at a few specific times (see these posts), and, most importantly, my friend which is something I have grown to value tremendously.

All that said, we still fuck like bunnies and I still own his ass in private when we can (at least every month) and will continue to do so too!  Lucky for all of us is that he recaps those episodes as well!

The Dog (Stella): Stella is my girl and probably my favorite. She’s a spoiled terrier who has multiple beds (two heated and one cooled) and has a busier schedule than me and Axel combined. That said, she’s often referred to in the posts as an annoyance, but I love her dearly.

The Penis (Mr. Winky): RIP Mr. Winky, we now call you Cock.

So, that is where we stand, Joelsub32.  Care to send me another email complaining about words?