I just got home after spending a day and a half with Thumper that, in several ways, might go down as one of my favorite visits for reasons I never had even considered. However, before we get to that point, I thought I would say happy anniversary to the blog because one year ago today I met Thumper for the first time physically (and, by that, I mean phy-si-cal-ly) which led to my guest star role on Denying Thumper that led to this blog.

<insert anniversary horn sound here in your mind>

So, for those who follow both of us, I think you know something is amiss in the land of Thumper. He hasn’t felt like himself in a while and, as you also know, he is taking steps to fix that and to understand what’s driving those feelings. During this time, he’s not writing as much, tweeting as much, and the “I wish you’d come fuck me” texts have virtually dried up, but he is okay and is still excelling at life just as he always has. He’s working out more too, and from across the table at a Chinese restaurant the night before last, I watched his growing pecs stretch and flex and that turned me on to no end, cause the hot man is even hotter and even more DILFier than he was a year ago. But, that is another story for another day, as this one is about some of the basics as to why I liked this visit, even though we did not see each other naked even once.

Going into this visit I told you that I had no expectations of anything sexual and I truly did not. I am not going to lie and tell you it was not on my mind, and, if he had walked into my swanky hotel room all swanky himself and ready to rumble, I would have had my penis in my hand in seconds and would have been ready to go to town, but, he did not walk in like that at all. He walked in with a look on his face like someone had just stolen his kitten. He was happy to see me, his friend, or even his boyfriend (and I knew that even though with that steel cock he always looks happy to see everything) but I could tell in five seconds that he was nervous as fuck about seeing me, his sexual partner and sometimes tormentor, because he wasn’t in a place for that and he so did not want to disappoint me and I, in turn, was nervous as fuck thinking he was thinking that. In addition to that, he felt guilty that I had come there “for nothing” which was ALMOST as stupid as Ben Carson because I came there for him, not his ass but for him, my friend, my boyfriend even, because in the last month or two we have both gone through a lot of shit individually and, sex or no sex, I just wanted to see him and spend some time in the non virtual world which I think is called real life.

Now, in all honesty, he was not in the “sex with men is repulsive” place he had been in last summer and with a drink, a tickle, and a slap or two I likely could have gotten a blow job, but, while it was nice to think about, my promise to always hurt him but never harm him meant too much to me to even try.

Over the next evening and day, we drank fruity shake like things, ate a lot of Asian food, shopped for sex toys for our spouses and then shopped for pants for ourselves (he got some jeans that make his ass even more dreamy and I got a new pair of plain plane pants) and, just like always, he made me feel like I had just crawled out of a twenty year sleep inside a bunker in Indiana with his wiz bang use of technology and fancy acronyms that I suspect he had just made up right at that exact moment.

We were normal and we had fun and we did not have to be naked to do that.

Of course we talked about “things” but 90 percent of those “things” are not mine to share, so I won’t, though one particular conversation led us to talk about both of the blogs and the comments we have received. During that, it was pretty clear that we have each internalized a lot of the negativity of a few far more than I think either had realized and that struck something in me that I will be sharing in the next post after I figure out how I want to actually say it.

I said earlier that in some ways this was one of my favorite visits and that remains true even though neither of us had that spring in our steps we did a year ago when we were “stupid in horny”. I say that because, sex or not, this time proved unequivocally that in a relationship as unique as ours, friendship trumps sex every single time. I can get sex anywhere (in theory of course), but a boy-friend in the true sense of the word, is much harder to find and I am happy to stick with the one I have regardless of whether I leave him battered and non-sated or not.

Finally, and probably the most important part of the post as it solves an eight year mystery, we stopped by his house to get his wallet he had “forgotten” (his attempted way of trying to make me pay for lunch and the three dollar valet tip) and, through the giant window in the front of his house (which must be a bitch to keep clean), right there, right there in front of me, I got to see with my own eyes, the often rumored but never before verified, Belle Fille and, get this, despite popular rumors, she was not surrounded by a fog of hurt, pain, or even betrayal. There wasn’t even a mist of sorrow surrounding her.

Thank goodness, all those prayers must have really worked!

Belle is real!

FYI – Fifteen things for the commenters to save some time:

  1. We did not “break up”, agree to “go steady” or any of that nonsense.
  2. We plan to have even more deprived dirty sex in the future.
  3. When together, we are not cheating on anything but our diets.
  4. Belle did not see me.
  5. Yes, I think Ben Carson really is fucking stupid.
  6. Nobody really stole Thumper’s kitten.
  7. Our not having sex had nothing to do with prayer.
  8.  My usage of the wording “phy-si-cal-ly” means we fucked.
  9. Thumper is still bisexual.
  10. He really did forget his wallet and he owes me the $3.
  11. Yes, I think he was actually happy I came to visit.
  12. Axel and Belle were not harmed in the making of this visit.
  13. In truth, we did touch five times when he punched me in Nordstrom’s.
  14. Again, we did not break up. We are not in high school.
  15. I still both like and plan to hurt him again.

Hello from a rainy day in the Northeast where I just had TWO cancellations, in a row, as in an actual block of time, from my calendar today leaving me with some rare middle of the day free time.

So, I thought I would write to discuss one of my favorite people again, my Mom. Yes last night she called me really late just to talk. I have reached that age that when a parent calls after 10pm (because they don’t remember you are in a different time zone) you immediately pounce across the room to grab the phone and answer in a panic (I know, payback) only to find out that she and my father were trying to find, I am not kidding, Matlock, on Netflix and wondered why it wasn’t on there. I didn’t have the heart to tell her the super duper double bad news that both Matlock the show and the character were deader than dead, so we wound up just talking for a bit which was nice because, from all appearances that are possible through sound, she was having a fairly lucid night.

Anyway, as we talked she didn’t remember where I was (I don’t fault her for that because on any given day the likelihood that even Thumper or Axel knows my locale immediately is rare) and I reminded her that her iPhone has the Status app that always shows her where I am and we set about trying to find it on her phone. This turned out to be a difficult thing, so I would up sending her a screen shot of mine that happened to show her the contacts (and their pictures) who allow me to follow their location, one of whom is, of course, Thumper (and, yes, for the record, it’s one of his more rare g-rated face shots), but I didn’t think a thing about that. So, after about 10 minutes discussing how amazing technology is, she suddenly said, “That’s a great picture of Axel and, well, look at me. It says I am 799 miles away, wow” before then saying, “now, who is this that is 905 miles away, he’s handsome” which was then followed by an “oooooh, is this your, <dramatic pause>, friend?”. 

Once again she caught me off guard with this subject but instead of reacting weird like before, this time I just said, “yes, that’s him” and we continued to talk about poor old dead Andy Griffith and what a great fake lawyer he had been. She came back to it and said “Are you still happy? I wondered because you haven’t mentioned him lately”, as if used to start every sentence on my Sunday visit with, “When I was fucking Thumper”.  I just told her that yes I was still fine and that I had not mentioned him because, I guess, there had not been much to report. That seemed to slow the topic but that lasted only for a second before she then asked if he would be coming down for Axel’s surgery in January. That made me laugh thinking of the mental picture of Thumper, the Scotts, and my Mom all peering over the edge of the bed (around the tent patients return with after this type surgery) when he is waking from the anesthesia and his immediate reaction. In fact, that still makes me giggle in my head as I type this. Heh.

After that, not another word was said so the mystery of what she really thinks she knows remains with her. For the record, I really don’t think she thinks that much about it aside from just knowing he is my friend, like my best friend _____, and others. Yet, somehow she also knows he is different too. She doesn’t know I am going there this week because that was just too much trouble, but I am thinking about sending another screen shot to her when he and I are less than 10 feet away from each other just for the reaction alone.

Have a great night.

I want to hurt someone. I don’t want to harm him. I just want to hurt him.

As we know, I have a bit of a sadist side to me and as I have grown to embrace this, and other facets of my sexuality, I am learning that “horny”, for me, doesn’t actually mean I just want sex. Right now, I would describe myself as incredibly horny, but I am not particularly wanting to stick my dick into anything as much as I want to just slap someone with it really hard. Now, of course, in my mind that someone looks a lot like Thumper, but time will tell what the week brings and, for once in my life, I am okay with the mystery. It’s just enough to know that I am wanting this power and I am enjoying the great fantasy playing out in my head around it.

Now, of course, I would not be me if I didn’t say I had to think about this new feeling and analyze whether or not I was okay with the idea of being turned on by creating those cries, the reddening skin, the uncomfortable positions, the swelling nipples, and ultimately, the pleasure of the pain.

But, meh, I am tired of thinking.

I think I will just go with it.

Wow. It seems like it’s been forever since I have posted and, I guess in blog terms, it has been. I am in an airport lounge waiting a few hours for my flight home after completing four days of “strategic bonding” with my colleagues. That’s the fancy name, but the reality is that translates to a four day staff meeting from hell where you get to see your friends from work, bitch about work, drink and talk about work, eat and talk about work, and then go to four days of meetings where all they do is talk about work and how to do said work harder, faster, and better.

I sit there and smile, but inside I die a bit inside each time. You know, work.

Anyway, so now I am on my way home for 34 hours before heading out again. I plan to take some time off when Axel has his surgery so I am front loading work, so some of this is my fault. The good news is that this week has a happy ending, literal meaning to be determined, as I get to see Thumper Thursday evening and Friday. It’s now been over a year “together” and we will be seeing each other after the longest separation we have had since we have met (t’s been about two months). This time gap was one hundred percent schedule related and had nothing to do with the funk we have both been in. But, due to said funk, it might have been a good thing as he has been taking care of himself and I have been in just a phase of mental and physical exhaustion that has not made me great company. With this meeting past me, I am feeling lighter already and was actually excited about finding a quiet place to sit down and write this post, so that’s a damn good thing and I expect after a good night’s sleep it will even be better.

I would be lying if I told you I wasn’t looking forward to seeing the rabbit this week because, well, he’s just fun to be around and I can shut down a part of my mind when I am with him that is very freeing and very relaxing. That said, I have to admit I am a tad anxious again simply because it has been so long and we have each had so much going on. Because of that, we have not communicated our typical “sexual mating dance” signs we typically discuss prior to a visit (he does a special dance and then shows his anus), so this has left me without any real expectations of the visit other than good company and, I hope, good Thai food from the first place he took me to last year when Belle told him he was being ungracious if he didn’t take me to dinner. So, all that to say that I start my week on a crazy note, but I expect it to have a happy ending regardless of whether there is an actual happy ending involved for me or painful, swollen nipples and a sore ass for him.

On the Axel and the Scotts front, things are moving well and have settled into a bit of a routine. I have not blogged about them much over the last few weeks because, aside from my recent aversion to writing in general, I had actually found that writing all of my feelings about the beginning of Axel’s relationship with them was having a negative result in that I would finish writing and then go confront Axel with everything I was feeling. That was not fair to him or them, so I had to step back and give them space and time to figure out what it is that they do and I think that has happened nicely for them. Now, a few weeks later, I can say there is really no direct jealousy about them being together as what there was dissipated quickly. Axel had predicted this based on how he felt with me and Thumper and, like usual, he was other right. I will say, at times, I harbor a wee bit of jealousy about how excited they are to see Axel and spend time with him, but that’s just the newness of the relationship AND the fact that they have a personality that expresses such things unlike Thump who might be dancing up and down inside about seeing me but would never express it because, that’s just how he’s wired and I know this. In hindsight, I think even using the word jealousy was a bit harsh for something like this, but, I am glad Axel is getting to experience that “wanted” feeling too.

The unusual factor in this already unusual situation is that I actually adore them and, admittedly, have a little crush on both of them. Axel and the younger one are developing a Daddy/boy type dynamic that is more along the lines of mentoring and counseling, but I have found myself adopting a rather “perverted uncle” role with him as I have begun to teach him about things like cock rings, chastity devices, and butt plugs. I am not sure if the four of us will ever see each other naked or not at the same time, but it’s not outside the realm of possibilities now which is clearly something I had never really thought possible prior to spending time with them and falling in like. So, time will tell on that front and I will just enjoy the time I have with all of them on the rare occasion that happens.

On the Axel and Drew front, together we have come through this with an even greater sense of openness and honesty, like discussing what we are texting to our boyfriends, which is a nice plus because it wasn’t anything I had realized wasn’t there before. I always knew this would happen, but the speed has surprised me a bit.

Finally, while it terrified me at first because a muggle from the real world knew our secrets, Axel gave them a link to this blog and to Thumper’s and I know they have spent some time perusing both based on some of the discussions we have had. They have said they will not be regular readers because they feel it’s private, but I think that will change soon and I hope one day they will say hello in the comments.

Time to board so there’s the update for now.

I have a few quiet moments on a Sunday morning before what I can only describe as a week of pure hell will begin. This afternoon I fly to one city, spend the night, have a four hour meeting tomorrow and, from there, embark on a series of meetings, planes, trains, and rental cars that take place in six cities between then and Wednesday night when I land in the Windy City for three solid days of “team building” and “mentoring”. So, all in all, I will be getting back from the week I am about to start almost exactly one week from right now. Even writing that exhausted me.

So, while I had this moment I wanted to switch the tone of the blog from the recent deeper to stuff to talk about Thumper’s ass. Because, well, it’s post worthy.

This last week marked our year anniversary of meeting and next week, coincidently, on the same day I will be with him, will mark the first anniversary of me officially meeting one of my favorite orifices deep down and in person. His ass is something to behold both because of what it can hold and for the fact that it just looks so damn good doing it. But, for me, his ass has represented a freedom I had never let myself have before and by doing what I have been able to do to it, I have found confidence in my sexual topping abilities and, for that, I feel like I should say thanks to him on behalf of Axel here too.

Seriously. I have done, seen, and tasted things this year that, well, none of that matters now.

Anyway, in my head the above was much more funny than it turned out in type, but, I am going with it because, especially due to the heavier mood of late, the interwebs have not been shown enough pictures of the rabbit ass and I have clearly not been discussing that, or the bisexual bunny tongue, nearly enough. But, that’s life and when you have a boyfriend on the side, you take the ups and the downs and you enjoy both (right now that has made me want to break out into the Facts of Life TV song). It’s an especially good word too when the relationship has a kink element to it as well, because you can dissect the word depending on the mood and have a boy, a friend, or both at the same time. We are flexible like that.

So, in honor of said ass, here it is, glowing after a fun afternoon:

Processed with VSCOcam with n2 preset

Finally, because of recent events and those commenters, I feel like I should add a disclaimer here that next week when I am with him, I may not even see the orifice in question and that’s just fine too because he’s taking care of him right now and he owes me both Thai and Pizza, so we will be busy anyway. As with all disclaimers, your mileage may vary, use only as directed, and please seek help if your erection last for more than four hours.

I haven’t written much on here or the Twitter this week because, frankly, I am just tired of writing. I have had a perfect storm appear with work where seven projects are culminating in the same month resulting in me needing to write over ten final reports and it’s exhausting. As of today, I have done eight and combined, they total 993 pages of text, graphs, and observations. It’s also mind numbingly boring, but it has been nice to be able to stay home for a week to get most of it done.

Throughout the last few weeks and during the Scotts entrance into Axel’s life, and now mine, and through the anxiety and depression that Thumper has been feeling, I have been a bit cloudy because I have not been able to rely on the tried and true methods of communication I have come to know over the last year. Axel and I are more than fine, but we are still in a deeper place emotionally with each other where a fun conversation can quickly turn into a discussion and, as wonderful as it is to get it all out there and, at most times, find a resolution, it’s exhausting, especially for him because, ironically, for a man who is paid to listen to people, he doesn’t really like it when he has to talk back. But, the regular sex is back and all the weird feelings about the new boyfriends has dissipated, so as soon as we stop communicating as much we will be back to just like every other happy normal couple.

With Thumper, who I coincidently met a year ago today, the dark place he has been in has stopped most of the flirtatious fun we often have with each other and that’s been a change that has taken me a bit to get used to. I don’t mind it and absolutely understand it, but I realized I have spent a great deal of time worrying about whether I would cross a line if I said something sex like or not and that wasn’t good for me, so I have started to be more “in the moment” with him and, if he’s not particularly that into me at that moment, we flip and discuss something else related to life. That’s just fine too because I know that is not me and that it’s just life at the moment and it’s one of the reason we say “boyfriend” versus “fuckbuddy”. I suspect the regular irregularly scheduled perverted sex we have will return soon enough too so, nothing to fear good commenters who think we are doomed.

Combine those things with the 1,500 page cloud of looming words, charts and fucking numbers – I hate numbers – and that means I just haven’t been around much, that’s all.

Next week is back to normal as I have six cities in five days and lots of times on planes and in hotels to think of pervy things to write about. I swear. I may even take pictures!

Last weekend I went away with a group of friends and, because it rained every single minute of our trip, we often found ourselves in odd little couplings talking about anything and everything. During one of these moments, the subject of open marriages came up and I found myself listening to my friends, half of whom know I am in one but didn’t disclose that, discuss them as if they thought participants were just crazy swingers having sex at every minute. It was funny in many ways, but it also made me think about what the inside of my open marriage looks like, so I decided to write about it.

The following is what I wrote and it is very unusual in that I did not assume that the reader knew anything about me as I wanted this to stand alone, even though I doubt it would ever be forwarded or posted elsewhere. Also, as those of you who have followed me will actually know the names, you will actually also see that I combined the Scotts into one person, as Axel really does think of them as one unit and, well, it was just easier to write.

So, feel free to fill in the blanks with the names you know.

I have a closed open marriage. It’s not about sex because it’s simply about so much more.

I thought about this topic last weekend when I confided in an old friend that my marriage was open and that each of us have someone on the side. His immediate reaction was not one of judgement as I expected, but one of jealousy, in a sense, when he said, “wow, so much sex. I can’t even imagine” which was followed by “must be so nice to just blow a little steam and then go home, but doesn’t that make it weird when it’s time to fuck (insert husband’s name here)?”  I think I smiled or did something else to acknowledge that I heard him, but I remember specifically not saying out loud what I wanted to say, because, at least in my openness, he could not have been more wrong.

To back up, my husband are in our eighteenth year together and our third as a married same sex couple. To the world, we are the stereotypical white collared Ward and Ward Cleaver gay male couple as we live in a recently gentrified neighborhood on the edge of both the hood and the multi million dollar homes, have two German SUV’s in the driveway with the pretty tags versus the standard ones, and a dog with a human name who wears sweaters when it’s chilly. We have a great sex life together, enjoy our time together immensely, and, to this day, find it surprising that we actually do love each other more every single day than we did the day before. What we don’t show, is that each of us have a boyfriend on the side who provide us with something we could not get from the other. The specifics of what we were seeking is not of importance at the moment, but in many ways, he and I have given each other a gift that, when translated, boils down to a proven level of trust, admiration, and respect for each other and our particular needs. This gift, is something I could never get from anyone except the man I married and I thank him, at least in my head, every single day for it.

For us, the openness started about six years ago when my husband brought up the idea and we discussed, analyzed, and dissected the concept before finally thinking we could make it work. We negotiated what each of us expected from the side relationship, what information we wanted to share and not share, and how we proposed going about cultivating, soliciting, and engaging said “boyfriend on the side”. Like many things before  and tons of things after it, he and I had very different thoughts on each of those points which caused us to find a middle ground that worked for us in theory, since said boyfriend was only hypothetical at that moment. The one thing we both immediately agreed upon was that, for us, we wanted a “closed open marriage”, a term we defined on our own, because there would be no random encounters allowed, no side sex for sexes sake, and that, no matter what, we would always be the first in each other’s lives. We were professional negotiators at the drafting of this deed and soon it was signed, sealed, and then sat on for about five years. Then, actually a year ago this week, I met my boyfriend, a bisexual married to a woman man who has turned out to be everything I didn’t expect in a very good way. Then, about two months ago, he met his soon to be boyfriend, a monosexual man married to a man, who I can honestly say is nothing like we ever thought he’d be either, also in a very good way.

Life is good and it’s working well, but to get back to the original point of this post, I can’t say any of us are having more sex because of our open marriages. In fact, right now, I’m having less sex because of my open marriage as the wonderful newness of the dating while aligning existing rules and making sure feelings are not getting stepped on has stressed out my husband to the point that neither his boyfriend or myself are getting much action. It’s no big deal as we know that stress in forty something men often sends the blood flowing to the brain versus the penis, which I have always assumed is just nature’s way of getting back to us for all the stupid things we did when blood flowed directly from the brain to the penis in our 20’s. This lack of sex and the over complication of emotions in my head is something I went through a year ago as well, so I am certain beyond a doubt that they and we will be back in action really soon as the newness settles and the reality that this is working sets in.

That said, at first, it’s an odd feeling watching your husband date and, in many ways, it’s cute seeing the man you have come to see as your rock get all weird and nervous because he didn’t understand the tone of a text or doesn’t know if it’s his turn to call or propose a next date or already worry about whether he should buy him a present for Christmas. Yes, it hurt a bit at first in unexpected ways that I still can’t believe, but we were very open about this as we each discovered that the hypothetical rulebook did not exactly overlay reality 100 percent. While it stung at first, that stinging was also balanced by a happiness for him as he was finally getting what he wanted as well and, for the first time, I really saw and felt what he had seen and felt a year before. Our “others” have become just part of our life, which was unexpected, I think, but there is not a night that goes by that he does not ask me “how is (insert his name here) today?” and, even more funny, is I know he truly means it and enjoys hearing about him as a person, as a boyfriend, as a father, and, even, as a husband to his wife. In turn, I always ask about his, though in truth we – – he, his husband, and I – have actually become friends, so I most always already know. We have found that it’s those little gestures that are just needed as way to continually remind each other that we indeed are still okay with exactly how it is and these gestures, like when my husband bought my boyfriend a small piece of art because it reminded him of him on our third month together, mean everything at the occasional time when you just need a check in to make sure the train is still on the track.

Surprisingly, I had never realized, nor thought about, how deep the level of intimacy in allowing the love of your life to go get naked elsewhere can actually feel. It’s the intense bond of trust and feeling of security at the very moment conventional logic tells you that you should be most insecure all coming together in a twisted way that just works in such an unconventional manner. It’s this intimacy, along with the communication that is absolutely essential in this situation, that frankly, has made my marriage and our “married sex” better, stronger, and more intense than it had ever been before and that was with just me having the other. Now, I hope, and feel, that it should only continue to excel as the giddy dater husband becomes the stable boyfriend husband, but time will tell that tale soon.

Finally, I don’t recommend this for everyone because all relationships are as different as they are bizarre. However, for anyone thinking about cracking open that door, my advice is to crack it slowly and with purpose and lay everything on the table before even peering around to the other side. Our way works for the hexagonal box that contains the six of us (spouses included) and we feel safe, secure, and happy in that box, but that does not guarantee success for anyone else ever.

So, for met friend, the reality us that it’s not the orgy you expected as it really is all about the trust, the communication, and the intimacy.

(and, well, yeah, the sex is pretty awesome too)