Last week, Thumper posted about the training he and I have been doing together to one day expand his ass to take a fist (well, one day being next week actually). It was a great post and one that, I thought, provided a lot of insight into where he and I are friendship wise and, even more so, on what it takes to accept one’s status as an “ass whore” or another name that I affectionately call him that is not for publication.

The point, or one of the points, of the post, I thought, was about the trust factor that it’s taken between the two of us and the time and patience we have both had in the process. Yes, yes, there was some emotional mumbo jumbo mixed in there too, but overall the take away, for me, was the mind over matter part that Thumper has had to overcome in order to take giant things in his rectum while enjoying it.

I expected a few comments on it and there are a few strings between him and someone else that are, well, cute, but what I didn’t expect was the “outpouring”(well, 7) of guys who also wanted me to train their asses to take a fist or to stay plugged all the time, etc. First, I have a day job and have enough trouble flipping my phone fast enough in public when Thumper’s shiny junk pops up, but, more specifically, with the exception of one I plan to push, we don’t know each other – why would you want a complete stranger taking you on a path that is so personal? or, is it the fact that I would be a stranger something that is the driving factor?

I am not judging the guys who asked this at all,  but I am now officially saying no. The exception to this would be alco, you know, the boy whose cock I locked in the shower?, but he and I have lots of talking to do first. I realize that many many people are driven by the anonymity of the internet and the like for sexual encounters and that is a huge thing. For me, while my mind has been broadly opened the last few years, the need to know someone’s mother’s maiden name before seeing them naked is not anything I think will change for me. But, who knows.


A few days ago Thumper posted something on this blog (yes, he can do that and is always encouraged to do so) about the evolution of our friendship and, while he didn’t say this directly, how we seem to have found a groove that, I suspect, might be something that can sustain itself as we have taken many items off of the table.

To go backwards, Thumper and I never quite fit into a preconceived relationship category. We were not just friends, but, even though we used the word, we were never boyfriends either. We were not Dom/sub or Master/slave though we, at times, had those elements because, well, he looks great in my collar. We were not fuck buddies, though we did fuck like rabbits, in part, because I have a dick and he doesn’t, but also because he has an ass that longs for training. We celebrated the fact that we were not these things, but that still left us with questions of what we were and how we should function, which, to be frank, caused some hurt feelings, confusion, and some even better sex.

However, what’s done is done and all of that mumbo jumbo served as a vehicle which we used to grow our kinky sides and to evolve where we each have now owned our kink a bit more than before. As he discussed in that post, I have worked with him steadily to help him understand his need to be dominated and, more so, his need to be penetrated. Through those things, I have come to understand my dominant side more and have found a comfort place with it where I can say that I don’t need “boyfriend moments” like I once thought I did. Though I care for him as a friend and know that if life dealt either one of us the cards where a friend is needed more than a kink we’d be there, I really do not see him on that level right now as much as I see him as the clay I am still molding (into various plug shaped items) and using as a sexual object and a way of growing my own dominant identity. My mind would have once asked me how I could see a friend as an object but now it just goes along with it because, for Thumper, that is really what he needs when with me and I am more than happy to oblige. The reality, as he said, is not much changes to the naked eye, but we know the dynamic has an edge and edges have consequences and those are what is fueling the fire as we each grow in opposite, yet very complementary directions.

As part of that, we know that we will have hot periods and cold periods which are based on life and our other halves, but from now on, when I visit, I am coming to come and in blocking his calendar he knows what will be required of him. Without the ambiguity that has plagued us we are both happier and will both grow in our respective roles and, trust me, he will be saying thank you.

On the home front, my growth in the dom aspect is also noticeable and Axel is quite happy about it. See, before, because he likes to lock me up and because I like that, we automatically put me in a sub role, but that’s not really the case at all. We are finally seeing that the chastity can and is being used as an element to fuel me (and him because it’s a turn on) so, with this new thinking, it feels pretty natural and Thump was also one to benefit from it as my unlocking occurred the morning of my last visit. Ax will still take the controlling role with the key and that’s wonderful and part of his grander plan which I will discuss soon.


Thumper here. Drew was in town the other day (see the post immediately before this one). In the recent past, these visits have not involved sex between us but this time around we approached it in a way that works for me.

The struggle I’ve had is flipping between friend and sub. Between Drew being Mr. Confident Dom vs. Thumper’s friend. But coinciding with the last visit was a desire within me to do some serious subbing so, in order to make that work (because I also knew he was ready to top the fuck out of me), I asked for him to only interact with me during the day we had as a sub. Which, besides the actual time spent having sex, might not have seemed that different to anyone looking in from outside, but it worked for me. I was able to maintain the headspace. Partly because of little things he did (like leave his trash on the table at Shake Shack for me to clean up and not obviously seek my approval about anything) but also the fact that I had a heavy chain collar on the whole time we were out and about.

Anyway, it worked. And, if anything, we’ve more or less maintained a Dom/sub dynamic after he left. One that’s been able to intensify since Belle has been away for about a week and a half. Since he’s wherever he is and I’m here, this has manifested in me letting him have control over the my ass.

I’ve been thinking lately that Drew has been instrumental in leading me to better understand some things about myself. I’ve always known anal play was something I enjoyed, pretty much since I can remember having sexual thoughts, but Drew has helped me achieve a new level of consciousness about it. Since we’ve been “together” I’ve come to realize I am 100% a bottom. I just don’t like anal penetration, I crave it. Just as I’m a total sub, there’s no top in me. Even though I have no functioning penis when we’re going at it, I have realized I really don’t need one. I don’t want to top anyone and I never really have (I’ve never enjoyed fucking men). All I want to do and be is the bottom. Thanks to being with Drew, I have come to fully embrace this part of me in a way I never have before.

Since I’m bisexual and have primarily been with women for most of my life, I didn’t have a chance to delve into the subculture that is bottoming. It’s a really fascinating role for a man who, culturally anyway, is expected to be the penetrator in any sexual situation. To invade the partner. So to feel none of that need when having sex with another man is…interesting. All I want is the opposite. To be entered and used and taken and to do it all in the best possible way. To be the best host and provide maximum outlet for his sexual needs. I may have struggled at some points in my life with my deep need to bottom because we have no positive role models to look to, but I don’t now. It’s an identity I wear with pride. Like my need to submit, it’s something of a super power.

I can even see this how this manifests in my relationship with Belle. She has no desire to fuck me and, of course, is not naturally built that way anyway. But I have always, my whole life, felt a deference to ensuring the women I’ve been with are experiencing as much pleasure as possible. Sure, I wanted to fuck and the feeling of being inside a woman is uniquely intoxicating, but even then, I fucked with her needs and feelings in mind. I rarely, unless invited to, took my pleasure first or gave it priority over theirs. While I’m not technically bottoming in a penetrative way with Belle (or any other woman), I still very much feel the part. It’s also, I think, a part of what makes the idea of her being with another “alpha” man so attractive to me. I so badly want her to have what I am not, by nature and circumstance, able to provide.

Practically, Drew has helped me in another way. I used to have in my mind an idea of what I was physically able to take as a bottom. If you go back and read my review of the dildo modeled after Jeff Stryker’s cock, it’s almost comically presented as the biggest thing I’d ever be able to get in my ass. I spent a great deal of time describing how hard it was to take. I actually thought, seriously, I could not stretch any bigger. Now, I see that dildo as a minimum size for any real solo funtime. Even if I haven’t played with anything in my ass for a while, I can take that dildo without a great deal of effort.

In a weird way, what one’s ass can do is limited more by one’s own expectations than one’s physiology. Once I knew the Stryker dildo was no big deal, it wasn’t. Drew helped me understand that, too, by encouraging (and not for purely charitable reasons, to be sure) my experimentation with bigger toys.

The best example of that is the World’s Most Comfortable Butt Plug from Mr. S. I had the one they call size XL which has a similar circumference as Stryker and I assumed it was as big as I could use, but Drew got me to try the XXL (I can’t recall now if I already had it or he bought it for my ass). We would have FaceTime sessions where he watched me struggle with it and generally be a whiny dramatic little bitch, but it eventually got in. After a few times, it became less scary. I was able to carry it around for a day at a time. It stopped being a challenge and started being fun.

So he got me the XXXL WMCBP. That one’s a beast, but it was the same kind of deal all over again. I swore it would never fit. Was terrified that once it went in it wouldn’t come out. But Drew was insistently supportive. He had more faith in my ass than I did. And, eventually, it got it. In all its 8″ around, nearly 2 pound glory. In fact, as part of our current Dom/sub understanding, I have it in right now. My confidence with it grew so that, at first, I wouldn’t dare leave the house while it was in. But just like the XXL, I’ll go anywhere with it now. To work, shopping, whatever (it’s not as simple as just leaving in there, but I’ll spare you the details for now).

Other large toys came after. One, in the shape of a fist nearly identical in size and appearance to my own, that’s 12.5″ in circumference. My desire to take these larger toys was driven as much by my need to to do it for him as it was the incredible physical sensation of being stretched, figuratively and literally, by the experience. Now I find my desires with regard to what happens to my ass magically align with his fantasies. In much the same way my expectations with regard to sex with Belle eventually became essentially what she wanted. That’s my zero-dominant nature molding to be the mirror of my sex partners.

To this end, Drew has told me he intends to fist me at our next meeting. I can remember a time when the very idea of that would be impossible to imagine. I cringed at images of fisting because I didn’t understand the dynamic that would lead two people to be in a place where it would happen. But I get it now. And I want it now. I want it because it’s essentially the last challenge I have yet to accomplish (it’s like the ultimate TRUE BOTTOM™ achievement) but I also want it because he wants to do it to me. Just as he’s a Dom and I’m a sub, he’s a top with an intense interest in making me bottom to him. He gets off on the idea of making me accept his whims over my ass and, of course, I do too.

So that’s going to happen. His giant hand will be inside me, easily the biggest thing I’ve ever taken. And now that I know it’s going to happen, I know I will be able to do it. He’s more than an inch bigger around than the fist toy I have (1.25″, in fact) but he’s also not a molded piece of silicone and I’ll be motivated to perform for him. It’s going to happen. I’m sure I’ll still be a whiny little bitch about it, but…he kinds of likes it when I suffer.

It all started with:

Do not let my dick even slip out of your mouth until I tell you it’s time” 

A simple statement from me, but a new challenge for Thumper as he was now swallowing me while enduring my right hand gripping his balls in a vice like method while my left caressed his chest lightly before finding a nipple to essentially assault mercilessly. I think I have mentioned before how good he is with his bisexual bunny tongue and a blow job from him is something one could stand in line for (fyi, next time I am there I may entertain visitors so let me know if interested), but this was the first time, I recall, that I had abused him quite so much during oral activity.

It was right after I had thumped his stretched scrotum really hard that I realized the implicit trust I had in him not to bite down or do anything in that vain to me as he had my favorite body part right there. Yes, I know there was already a huge amount of trust in the room as he was submitting to me, but I realized that the level of trust a top has to put in a bottom, especially during a BDSM scene, is almost as equal as the bottom to the top. Yes, I said almost because the chances of me hurting him were far greater than him me, but you get the idea.

See, since I have been old enough to remember, every single thing I have read about BDSM was that the bottom has to have an implicit level of trust in the top. I can remember tons of articles about never letting someone tie you up in your own home or meeting in a public place or making sure you had safely words and all that jazz (all great advice) and while some would use the phrases “mutual trust” or similar, almost all of these are geared toward the bottom of the relationship. I understand this completely, but as a top, especially a Dom, you have to also trust your partner to know that they will not do something that will cause you pain or injury. In a power control situation, I would say that this is even more important because I have to trust Thumper, but I also have to know him and his limits, his reactions, and more to make sure that terrific blow I give to his nether regions combines with the terrific blow I am receiving to my nether regions without a trip to the ER.

So, boys and girls, take this blow by blow to heart and know that the trust factor is indeed two pronged.

Five nights into the 12 night trip and here I sit in a Skyclub on Sunday morning off for seven more days of work. The good news is Axel is sitting next to me as he joined me for a few nights, but in about an hour we will both board planes heading different directions. Him south to home and me north to the great white tundra.

But, that’s minor because this week started with a trip to see Thumper. And, a good trip it was. That said, it wasn’t a trip specified for sex nor was it not. We tend to play things by ear a bit more these days and have the rule that if the vibe is there and activated – nakedness will occur. If it is not – clothes stay on and lots of food is consumed.

This week, there were vibrations and nudity did occur. And, for probably the first time since we removed the “boyfriend” label, we had pretty raw, unbridled sex that, at least for me, was not complicated by emotions. Yes, Thump is, on most days, on my list of favorite people for many reasons aside from his ass and tongue abilities, but, for those six or so hours this week (yes, exaggeration in play), he really was just a hole to me and an object that was there for my amusement. This is what he has wanted far longer than me but I was never really able to not beat him without wanting to swoop in immediately after to say “was that too hard, are you okay?” This time, I honestly didn’t care because we had negotiated what it was to be and, while my collar was on him, my hirsute toy awaited.

I fucked him hard. I fucked him slow. I used multiple fingers and toys in the roughest ways I could and, like the pain slut he is, he took it. I had implements for his ass and nipples with me, but decided to just use my hands as I am pretty strong and downright wicked when I want to be. I used him – hard. I came – a lot (a benefit of being locked the two weeks prior). And then I left him hogtied on the bed while I wordlessly got up and took a shower. We talked a bit after that, but not much. I did not unlock the collar and made him wear it while we went to lunch and a few stores before I unlocked it in the airport departures area when he dropped me off. It was right and appropriate. 

We didn’t analyze the sex. We didn’t worry about what it meant. We just fucked without feeling and, for the first time ever, I finally understood how some guys could just walk out after intercourse without feeling anything. To be frank, had we not had our friendship base, I likely would have done just that, but since I would have felt really silly coming back later as he was my ride to the airport, I decided to stay (and we did have a good time later too).

During these moments I had some bigger thoughts about the overall scope of bonding and trust any of these things take, but that’s for another point.

Finally, on a side note, do you know how hot this is to write about this while sitting next to my husband? it’s pretty cool and, in fact, I think I will ask him to read this now.

So, a quick update from the naked road. More soon.