Schandmaske Chastity

IMG_8129As many of you may have seen through the many pics of my metal clad penis that float around the interwebs, I have added a third Steelwerk’s device to my collection – the titanium Schandmaske. This device is identical to the lucite prototype cage (creatively called the Lucite Schandmaske) I asked Chris, from Steelwerks Extreme, to design for me as a way to help make my travel more simple.  I love that one so much that after I wrote this review of it, I began wondering about the titanium one and how it would feel, so I asked Chris to delay the Creature Cage (my ultimate goal) and make me a titanium one of these instead. He happily agreed as it’s his nature to always be happy <insert laugh track of those who know him reading this here>, and about a month later I was the proud recipient of a new, improved metal penis.

NSFW pics can be found here

My gut instinct was love at the first twist of the screw and this thing felt, well, awesome. I wanted to immediately jump on here and write the most glowing review of the cage; however, I quickly decided to do something different and wear it in the real world and THEN give a review. That means, that on a semi-consistent basis (time out for travel, topping, work presentations, and my other devices) I have worn this cage (almost) consistently for the last six weeks and two days so that I could give a review of not just the cage, but how life is while locked in it. So, let’s get to that.

First, the name.

Yes, it’s complicated and my US based MacBook wants to put a red line under it each time I type. However,  the official translation lies below:

Schandmaske: German for “shame mask” and also known as a scold’s bridle, a schandmaske was basically a way of inflicting shame upon the person who was forced to wear it.

There are so many ways to take this and I am sure that some of you are “hard” thinking about the fact that you have been or would be made to wear something originally intended to create shame just as much as I am sure some of you are thinking that “there’s nothing shameful about chastity” (fyi – we call that Team Drew) but those are posts of themselves for the future as this is only about the device.

The device itself is quite simple as it’s just a solid titanium cap with an extended collar that has a compression-ish grip on the shaft of the penis. It is beautifully crafted and, with a few ridges and waves in it that makes it appear that it was hand carved out of a block of titanium. It is just as beautiful as it is simple and, like most SW pieces, could be a piece of art for the mantel if so inclined.

Once in, done by a bit of lube and some genuine pushing, the device is secured by the insertion of a locking hollow barbell through the end of the penis and out the bottom of the PA hole where it is capped. A locking screw confirms that it’s not coming off without some pleading (you have to have a piercing in order to wear this cage). Once in place, the feeling for me is almost indescribable in a few really good ways, a couple of them being the exact opposite of why many men get locked.

It is so comfortable that I often forget it’s even there and, with the hollow barbell, I can piss like I was 13 again with no worry about spraying a neighbor at the urinal next to me or pissing myself (though one does need to make sure he gives it a few extra shakes to avoid trapped urine in the tube coming out when he points that boy south – trust me on this one). It does not pull on the PA barbell, doesn’t get caught on underwear, and, the best part for me, with no A ring, there is zero chance of chafing or the pulling of hair. Cleanliness is super easy too because it’s very easy to just squirt some shower gel down into the cage, rub it around in there with a pinky or a stick, and then rinse, rinse and rinse some more.

Yes, when locked in the device one can get a fairly solid erection, but when one does, that creates pressure on the shaft and, with the good part of the penis covered, there is not much that can be done about it aside from thinking about dead puppies and Trump naked in an effort to make it go away. It’s not a painful pressure either, but it is enough that one will  to make sure make sure it goes away ASAP too. I suspect, with the right volunteer, one could fuck with it on, but having not had the said volunteer I cannot say it with certainty.

As far as the day to day wear, as I have said, it’s great. It easily fits in most pants and, while noticeable if stared at, with thick enough fabric one can’t see what it is. In fact, it enhances the penis to look as if I were Jon Hamm in running shorts.

Finally, my favorite part? When locked into this device, as I am now, I find that it makes me personally feel quite endowed. It has just enough weight to it to keep the penis low and long and added weight causes the penis to swing when I walk naked, which is a feeling unlike any other I have had and I LOVE it./

Steelwerks assured me that the TSA would allow this and so I did a test before walking myself and my metal dick through it. The test was putting it in the pocket of my light jacket (allowed through in the US) and I sailed right through. The second time I wore it and, again, sailed right through. However, I am starting to get the random full screenings in the big machine, so I have not worn it through lately just because I don’t have the time to be stopped in most cases.

Bottom line, this is an amazing device and if you are pierced and into chastity, you owe of these to yourself!

Emotional Rabbit: Thumper’s Tale

Thumper posted yesterday on Denying Thumper  about his May chastity numbers which were followed by a very enlightening look at the emotional ups and downs that he goes through as a locked man.

While I have never been locked long enough to get anywhere close to the feelings he describes and, because of my life, likely never will, I was very happy that he put that out there because it indirectly explains a lot about the relationship he and I have together. I say this because I have had some questions in the past from readers and friends about what happened and why did we not have this amazing sex or why wasn’t my arm up his ass or more. Sometimes these are genuinely just curious questions and, sometimes, they have an edge to them as if Thumper and I have misled the blog readers intentionally or, as if, he has been inconsiderate of my feelings and made it all about him, the locked submissive bottom, which, they say, should never be allowed.

I generally am very defensive of him in these situations or will blame it on myself as well because I can see why things may look the way they do. And, in full confession, there have been a few times where the “what the fuck, I fucking flew here, spent money and get no sex” thoughts used to cross my mind from time to time, especially early in our relationship. However, as I got to know him better and better, I no longer had that feeling, no longer felt unattractive, or had any of the other self limiting thoughts I would have had, because he, at some point around the six month mark, started allowing me into his head where I understood what he was feeling – though I could never really express it to the blog world, nor did I feel like it was my responsibility to do so. My nonchalantness about the times we didn’t fuck comes from here now and not a place of apathy.

In the post, he describes how he, as a man who doesn’t orgasm frequently, will go to a high high of horny and desire and then how it will suddenly crash down into a pit near depression. When this happens, he discusses how it feels with the following quote and, as someone who watches and who is often indirectly or directly effected by it, this is a great quote to help in the understanding.

Thump says…

When I’m in this place, it’s like the flavor is drained from everything. I’m easily angered and have little interest in anything sexual. I will usually be able to perform for Belle, but I’d not think to instigate anything. It has to be her to push the button. This is the time when, if I find a dirty selfie on my phone or computer, I’m most likely to delete them. I don’t look at my own blog, can’t imagine writing anything, and don’t even look at Tumblr. The toys I enjoy during normal times appall me. It’s not any fun at all.

It’s a great statement that is only missing one thing which is another sentence at the end saying “and that’s usually right about the time that Drew is scheduled to come into town”. I absolutely know it’s not because I am coming in town (now) but it has happened multiple times and he and I have had many, many talks about why and if it’s a correlation of the visit or simply happenstance.

We settled on happenstance because there are also always external factors that play into this that you don’t see and,we don’t share those, but these that can immediately limit any and all sexual play (such as a child calling in crisis at that moment the pants come off, etc) or stop it cold before I even get off the plane. Yes, if I lived around the corner we’d probably both be way more satisfied with each other sexually and would have likely tried far more kinky things, but I also venture a bet that if I did live there, we’d be more akin to fuck buddies versus having any type of friendship at all which is one of the things I would not change at all in this relationship.

I realize in saying the above is that we/I actually don’t owe anyone an explanation on any of this, but, when I read what he wrote, it just hit me that I already knew this stuff, but had not seen it written which was then followed by the fact that those who have written to me thinking he is an ass, just simply had no way of understanding that as it had not been easily explained. While he may be a huge ass at times, it is never intended as a slight against me and my ever ready kinky dick when I am there and that is all anyone needs to know.

I encourage you to take the time and read his post and think about it. Yeah, the metrics are there and stuff, but the underlying message is that a locked life is not always about sex and feeling like and wanting sex and being horny because the actual emotions involved can go from sunny to stormy within seconds. If you are a locked man, I hope you can get a better understanding of yourself from reading it to gauge where you go and what happens to you, but, if you are a keyholder, this is likely even more valuable to you in understanding the dynamic you control.

predictive fantasies

It’s been far too long since I updated this, but I needed a bit of a break and needed some new energy to fill this space and fill my head. The blog was, to quote my friend, the German, “Getting too cerebral and needs just more raw sex“. He is right, but I’ve had no real sex to share (been locked a month)  and nobody has told me grand stories of theirs yet either (except for Kiwi) so I am writing one more cerebral post and then will hopefully talk about penises, metal, and plastic again really soon.

Since the last post Thumper and I had a pleasant day and a half together about two weeks ago. The planned fisting did not happen and, since this is my post, I will say it was 100 percent his fault that it didn’t and that “he teased with that ass and then, in the end, pulled his pants up“. However, that would be absolutely false because there was about an equal level of non interest in it because we both had a shit load of things happen that week and the ability to throw one’s legs in the air like one just doesn’t care was not there. It was one of those visits where the friendship dominated the domination and that was absolutely fine – though I did make him carry my bag a few times. We had a nice time and even continued our unfortunate trend of accidentally choosing awful lunch places (I wanted Korean BBQ- he didn’t – or something like that) that look good on the surface and then said our non-sexy goodbyes for what will likely be the longest gap we have gone since he’s spending the summer in Asia with his family and I am, breaking news, spending almost the exact amount of time, during the same months, in Australia and New Zealand.

With that reality being nothing near the fantasy, the entire concept of fantasy versus reality has been spinning in my head. There have been so many times in my sexual life that the fantasy outweighed the reality and very few where the reality outweighed the fantasy.  Starting with the good, I will place Thumper in the “more than I could have expected” category because the reality of him and our unique D/s-ish friendship is not anything I knew exactly how to fantasize about yet knew that one day I would have it. The irony in that is since it happened so fast after Axel and I opened our relationship, I think I somehow expected that this would work the exact same way in all respects and, while it hasn’t been, there are more and more examples that come to mind such as my friendships with Steelwerks, Jeep, and, of course, Mack, that make every negative reality version just a bit more okay as I have had some amazing explorations.

On the negative side, there are literally too many examples in the fantasy great/reality bad category to list, but they range from me being immensely attracted to an idea I want to do with Axel only to have the plane be delayed and he be asleep when I get home or both of us just being pissy from the week and very non touchy to meeting a Master that looked amazing on paper and in reality had such a dormant dominant presence in person that he cried (remember the fireman?)It’s like looking at and planning amazing bondage and then remembering that you are no longer 27 and can’t bend that way anymore or planning a meal with Ferns – things just don’t happen as the fantasy predicted.

Of course, this isn’t limited to just sexual things. I did accept the promotion at work I had mentioned previously and, while the title, increase and cool factor was stellar and too good to even question, the reality of that fantasy is now “fuck, I fucking have to do this and make this happen. Oh fuck” (and, as an FYI, the timing was that this was offered the day prior and the terms negotiated and finalized literally minutes before I met Thumper – thus the non fisting mood on my part). I am not saying it’s a bad thing, but it is a thing and, since this is an easier topic to discuss with friends, I know I am not alone in that and my thought patterns are exactly what they are in the sexual situations and, you know what, they all have the same.

The thing is, as I thought about this, I realized that I have been so much better at accepting the risk of bad reality and just going with the fantasy and think that is my new mantra for the coming years. It’s also something I am going to push those around me to do as well. So, pardon the direct conversion within the post to a just a few, but this means: Mack, go find Master Hunter. German, bring it on and I am willing.  And Thumper, get your ass ready for when we both get back and Self, go have fun despite work.

Anyone else want to make a vow to fulfill a few fantasies?  It can’t really hurt. That much. (unless that’s your fantasy and then I hope it does)

Fisting Rabbits.

Hi from the sky again. I am on my way to see Thumper, and do some work too. It’s always a plus when both are in the same city. Speaking of pluses, last night Mack and I were in the same place as well. He was just missing me so he flew all the way from Australia to have two drinks with me. That’s a friend. Of course I am leaving out the part about him already being in the US for weeks and a wedding and family and all those minor details because it just sounds better to make it about me. Right?

Anyway, he and I were talking about the blog for some reason and he said, “okay, you need to write some sexy posts, some kinky posts, some smutty posts, just something. I mean, there’s only so many ways to talk about your husband’s health and your friendships with people like me.” He was right even though he had essentially just called my writing boring and essentially stale. That said, neither of us could think of anything to write about that would fit those categories he listed.

So, I thought and thought and decided, that since he called me stale, I would just talk about him and his personal kinks, but decided that the fact he likes to wear high heels and lipstick while naked and in chastity before eating peanut butter off the bellies of really overweight men while having them call him “doll” might not be something he would want out in the inter-webs.  So, I will think of something else and save this and other Mack fetishes like what he does with his salad bowls for another time**.

I guess this will qualify if I talk about that in a few days I am planning to fist Thumper. Planning is the key word here because he’s got a slight medical thing and I have a weird calendar thing, so it may not happen, but the shear fact I am/we are planning to do it says a lot about how far we have both some in our kinky spectrum. For me, fisting is something I never thought I would do in life and, up to maybe a year ago, something that actually turned me off to a degree. Having never really been that into the backside until Thumper, it seemed like an impossibility to me because one, I have giant hands and, two, I just never thought enough about it to even study it. On the reverse, three months ago I would have told you I never had an interest in having it done to me and, while I can’t yet say I actually do, I will say that the interest is at least there mildly, so that alone is a giant step.

Speaking as the one with the inside arm this week, there are many elements about this that satisfy my Dominant Drew side immensely and make it feel like that, after almost three years, Thumper and I have reached a giant slippery milestone that is akin to the actual claiming of his ass. Though I am not sure Belle would appreciate me planting a flag there, the base of that flagpole has been building for years and, as much as my now surely dead etiquette teacher, Miss Beverly, would politely and gently scream at me for talking about such things in public, that ass will indeed be mine after that because me and my solid hairy forearm will have claimed it first. I tell you, it’s moments like this I wish kinky sex had actual KPI’s and performance reviews, cause Thumper and I deserve a star or two and a cost of fucking salary increase.

Me being me, I have to admit that I wonder what is the next milestone for he and I? He’s already reached some many performance benchmarks with his ability to take and carry massive plugs for over 14 hours, I am not sure what’s next or how we add to that. Of course, the really submissive slutty side of him would want me to now open this up to reader suggestions as to how I should torment him next, I wont do that because I know that he and I will figure it out swiftly and, at least for him, painfully.

So, I guess time will tell what’s next in that ass, or mine, but reaching a new milestone will surely be fun.

**If you are into lipstick, heels, or peanut butter off fat men, my apologies and no judgement. Oh, and salad bowls too.

Drew’s specification

Drew sent me a text yesterday telling me to go in the bathroom and take off my underwear and go commando the rest of the day and he wanted proof that it happened. I was in a meeting at the time and couldn’t do it right away, but when I had the opportunity, I went into the large stall in the bathroom (the one a construction worker looked down into that one time and saw me in the Halfshell) and made him a video of me taking off my shoes and pants, stripping my underwear off (an old jock strap) and puting everything but the underwear back on, hoping the whole time nobody came in and caught a glimpse through the crack in the door of the odd behavior. The jock went into my pocket and then my computer bag. In fact, it’s still there.

I sent the video and he told me that for the rest of the week, unless I was carrying a plug in my ass I had to go without underwear. And if I had a plug in, the underwear had to be skimpy. This is a bit of challenge since I’m in the Steelheart this week and it’s heavier than the other devices I wear and it’s not comfortable to wear commando. The only option, of course, was to put in a plug. The XXL WMCBP is what I chose.

Issue is, for me, that the thong I’m wearing pushes the plug all the way in all the time, especially when I’m walking around. It feels exactly like someone’s following me and holding it in as far as it’ll go with their fingers. I mentioned this to Drew who thought that sounded awesome so, since I had to come home to deal with a carpet install, he told me to take the opportunity to replace the XXL with the XXXL plug. So…I have that to look forward to. I’ll do it after the carpet guy leaves.

After the jump, I’ve included the image I sent to Drew this morning as proof I was plugged and wearing the type of underwear he specified.

Continue reading “Drew’s specification”

Getting What You Ask For – by guest writer, Bolt.

Hi all. Drew here. As you all have heard, I have a boy who we call Bolt. He’s at the start of a planned 100 day lockup – temporarily on the otherwise of the world – and decided to write a bit about how it feels. 

So, introducing Bolt, a guest writer here:


Getting what you ask for:

People often wish for things but how often do they get what they ask for?

They hope for things both big and small; such as win the lotto, make this light, land the perfect job, get the partner of their dreams, etc. For years I’ve wanted the same as many in the BDSM community have wanted, a good Dom to help achieve my goals. And, with this wish, I’ve gotten exactly what I asked for (and more).
I’ve always wanted a few things: someone to consistently submit to, a long term lock up (one year specifically), a good fitting comfortable chastity device, and to continue to expand my kink horizons. In this endeavor I have gotten all of that. Already.

Here’s the background on how this happened:
I met Drew by dumb luck. I was on a road trip and passing through his city, recognized his profile from twitter, and asked if he was interested in grabbing lunch to chat. We agreed to meet at a restaurant downtown for a late lunch, 1pm as I recall, and I set off from my family’s home in the neighboring state. As I set off on my journey, I planned for my normal drive time plus a buffer between locations since it’s a route I drive a few times a year, but this day there were unforeseen delays that made me quite nervous about making our meeting on time. Once on the road I learned there was a long back up on the highway from an accident, so off to the side roads I went to try and keep to my schedule, but alas this still ate into all my buffer time. Driving along Drew is ribbing me about picking me up from the top of the bridge naked over the apex of mighty Mississippi River. The entire drive I’m worried about being late and I end up not having time to stop for gas, but right on time I’m able to pull into downtown, on fumes, and find the closest parking spot to our lunch meeting. Frantically, I park the car and rush to the restaurant to find Drew relaxing in a booth waiting on me with his big cheesy smile he tends to give when he sees something he wants.
After a few minutes of chit chat and ordering lunch we get down to the meat and potatoes of our meeting, kink. Instantly, we hit it off and seemed to both want the same things. We are both switches, but I’m wanting to explore my sub side more while Drew wants to flex his Dom side. On all fronts we seemed to click including vanilla, kink, roles, and goals. We ended our lunch date excited to chat more, uncertain of what had actually just occurred.
Over the next few weeks we continued to get to know each other and explore our interests and it quickly became  apparent that we needed to hangout again, so Drew scheduled a trip to come to my home.
A few weeks later, Drew shows up for us to really get to know each other, there is good conversation, food, bondage, and of course chastity. It became pretty apparent that Drew wanted to collar me and I didn’t argue. He left town with me locked in chastity, a collar around my neck, and a plan for our rules of engagement for our soon to be Sir/Boy agreement. The next steps all fell into place so quickly, but I wouldn’t have had it any other way. In the week ahead, we hashed out the details, made it all official, started working on protocols, and set a start date for a “warm up” lock up of 100 days, which brings us to today.
After settling in on a long work trip and healing from gauging up my Prince Albert, I have started my 100 day lock up. We’re one week into it, so I wanted to share a few of my thoughts about my experience so far.
Protocols:
Easily the hardest part of the agreement for me. I’m terrible at keeping the lines of communication open and sticking to a regiment, so of course it’s one of Drew’s requirements. Protocols have been good though and I’m keeping up with them pretty well despite the fact that I’m now on the other side of the world for a few months.
Dom/Boy dynamic:
It’s been wonderful having each other to lean on while we both travel and explore our dynamic. Thankfully, we’re both reasonable because we have crazy schedules and some days it’s hard to talk. I can tell Drew is proud of me and it’s a great feeling. I’ve never been collared before and the mentorship is wonderful. Drew is constantly pushing himself to be kinkier since I’m a little more advanced on that front and I gladly help push him. I look forward to pupping out at his house and just generally being a good chastity boy for him in the future.
Chastity:

The easiest subject to talk about.
My steelwerks device is easily the most comfortable device I’ve ever worn, it’s great wearing it, and  I get more used to it. I’m already thinking it won’t take long until I’ll feel weird if I’m not locked. So far being locked hasn’t been too bad. As it’s only been two weeks without an orgasm, so I think the worst is yet to come. I’ve only woken up once at night due to erections and the daytime ones aren’t awful either, though you definitely know the instant you think about getting horny.

Overall, been great so far and I look forward to the coming months of lock up. Stay tuned for further updates.

Personal.

Hello from the sky. I feel like I should start this post with a “heads up” that I am going to go a bit more personal than I typically do for multiple reasons. I realize that this being a pseudo sex blog where I rarely talk directly about sex is an odd format in many ways, but what I have also realized through the now years of writing this is that there is a group of men, and a few women, in the decade or two before me who are figuring out life and use these blogs, tumblr, and various other porn and information filled avenues to get a view on what a kinky person can look like and how they can exist in the real world full of with real world issues.

While I in absolutely no way profess to have the kink thing down at all, I do realize that the fact that since I outed myself in writing as the kinky gay guy that fucked internet chastity legend Thumper, I have collected a group of kinky men which now includes a locked boy who I collared (Bolt); the sub, chastised ex-boyfriend bunny whose ass I still own in many ways, and plan to claim officially with a fist soon (aforementioned Thumper); a best friend who designs and crafts the most amazing chastity devices in the world (Chris); another accidental best friend in the Southern Hemisphere who I deeply treasured and adore for many reasons including his kinky complex career driven mind that runs akin to mine in the fact that it won’t stop running 200 possible scenarios – for anything (Mack) (read that last part fast 20 times and you will get a clue as to what my brain is like); another amazing man in the same hemisphere as Mack that I now call Sir (oh yeah, spoiler alert) (Jeep); and a therapist husband who is rapidly accepting his dominance over our relationship despite the fact that I have the dominant career that colors every single aspect of our lives (Axel).

I write about this stuff to show those generations that, despite being kink inclined and despite having weird thoughts about what you want to put where and how great the pain will be when you do so, you can build an amazing life that includes a complex career – if you so desire, a marriage that accepts and incorporates your fetishes long term – if you want that, and a group of people who surround you who bring out the best of you, kinks and all, at almost all times of the day. This is a learning game for all of us and if by me writing the personal side every now and then helps someone see that, then I feel like my mission is accomplished.

That got long, but, but the gist of this story is that over the last few weeks I have been in one of the most reflective places I can remember being. I should say this reflective place is not a bad place at all and I think we all need these times, but this particular one is a combination of outside forces that are all independent in many ways yet so dependent on key little aspects within them that it’s almost impossible to solve one without the other being a factor. As some background, in my real life I have some significant, very good, career opportunities looming that could change a lot about the future for both Axel and myself. While the timing sucks, this is something I have worked my ass off for since university but there is a huge guilt about possibly taking it, because of factors outside of my control. One of these is a parent, who at 73 and though stable for a long time after an early onset, is now rapidly feeling the effects of Alzheimer’s and there is a feeling of abandonment being away. Another is the same dominant spouse who once was a semi-magnificent athlete who is now in pain 24/7 due to the semi factor of magnificent causing a wicked accident and multiple surgeries that changed him which sparked his own reflective period. Neither these, or any of the 117 other things that are on my mind, will actually make or break anything, but they are factors. On the kink side of things, this is one of those times that I wish we had figured it all out years ago so we/I could dive into the realm of service and submission to use that as an escape from the real world for a bit – not unlike how some people use golf, travel, art – but we regrettably did not get to that place where it was just easy in time, though I promise you we continue to try and will continue to thrive. We are just a bit later than some.

The larger issue, for me, that looms over everything in my personal life is a loss of tradition that come with family and family protocols as my blood family, which was never really large, moves on and/or out of reality. I have no idea why this one part has troubled me so, but it’s been something that I know I am not the only one to struggle with. This led me to look of some of the kink community and realize that many have formed their own families – even some with fancy crests and pecking orders – and I found that to be fascinating and satisfying at the same time. However, it was in a conversation with Jeep that I realized that, that family unit, though not by blood, is exactly what I have been looking at, for, and possibly even have the start of, though nothing formal, and this fact is something that brings a smile to my face every single time I think that way. When I look at the above listed players, the dysfunction in each relationship alone screams family and that is a wicked cool way to begin looking at those in the “inner realm”. There is nothing unhappy about these thoughts at all and there is certainly something to be said for that.

The next few weeks will be interesting, to say the least, but they do not scare me and, through the power of this “family” and the secure connections within it, it’s actually a refreshing feeling to know that these people are there no matter what. Also, this is not meant to be a down, poor me, everyone wish me better post, because none of that applies. I truly share this as just a glimpse of what a real kinky person in the real professional world looks like as he semi-gracefully ages out. Nothing bad at all.

Okay, that’s it for personal. Hopefully Thump will write a post right after this talking about his ass and what’s in it, you know, to lighten the mood or something.

Drew

Jetlag and Mack pimping.

Hello from Eastern Canada. I can’t really fathom the fact that I am now here versus where I was last week, but such is my job. It’s 3:30 in the morning and I am wide awake. I have had an Ambien and half another pill and even with those, here I am. Tomorrow will be hell because it’s me and a bunch of one to one meetings in a warm, windowless room with people I can’t really even pretend to love. Argh.

Anyway, last week on my last night in Australia I wrote a post that, I think, may be one of my favorites I have written. I say that because of the content, my feelings, and the place where it came from because I felt, and still feel, changed for the good because of my Aussie friends. Returning to the US was tough, though. This trip it was awful because, for whatever reason, the jet lag hit me about fourteen hours after I arrived and it felt like I had been hit my a big truck -twice. For me, jet lag is unpredictable as there are times I travel and have none or only have varying degrees of it. Also unpredictable is the format for me as it can range from just being mild physical tiredness to a wild swing of exhaustion wrapped in emotion. Unfortunately, the last few days have been like that for me and I have been a weird mix of horny, menopausal, mean, sad, angry, and sentimental all wrapped into a package that just did not want to leave the house for two solid days.

The funny thing about this is that, even though I expected that this weird swing could still be a possibility, Axel and I had set the stage for some BDSM evolution in our home upon my return and I was damn well going to come through with that challenge/promise, despite the jet lag. In a rarity for me, I didn’t want the props and sweet leathery smelling gear, I just wanted him. And, him I got. Literally. It was satisfying in a primal way and sweet in others, but it didn’t fix my mood – though it did temporarily help.

This is not anything bad, it’s just a side effect of life in the air.

On a plus note, I have enjoyed the comments on the post above immensely as Mack has become quite the playboy of the commenters here and through direct chat with me. I am encouraging him to change all of his online profile titles to Mack and reference back to these posts cause, if some of these men find him in RL, he will be bound, gagged, and locked wicked fast and, since I know he’d like that, I certainly want to help, right? I mean, what kind of BFF would I be otherwise if I didn’t help facilitate this match?**

** Certain restriction apply. Applicant must meet minimum match standards in height, looks, personality, and kink and be subject to Drew’s approval. Age limits do apply on a state my state basis. Chastity is not optional and applicant must provide intent to lock. Certain restrictions apply to types of wine, music, and travel preferences allowed. See dealer for warranty information. Offer is not valid with multiple boys, unless they are hot, but slightly less so than Mack. Applicant will not be allowed to share status match credits as there are limits to any relationship. For more information, please leave a comment and Mack or Drew will return your query within 5-7 business days.

Four Men and Three Words.

Hello from Sydney on what is my last night in Oz. I cannot wait to get home but also somewhat hate to leave. From a professional point of view, these weeks were huge and I am setting the stage for the next phase of my career. But, from a personal point of view, it’s been absolutely amazing as I think I have reset my point of view on so many things.

As I think most of you had figured out, I was burning out fast personally and professionally and made myself slow down enough to breathe and take stock of life, my loves, my future, and, most importantly, my kinks. For as much as I talk about them on here or other places, I willingly admit that I am far from being self accepting in what I want, need, or fantasize about. However, we all know how this has evolved since blog day one and will hopefully keep going.

But, this trip I spent time with Mack multiple times, to the point that I stayed in his house and felt more welcome there than I have at friend’s houses who I have known for my whole life. I had three meals in a row with Jeep and his husband, who I will call Huey, and, with work behind me, I just relaxed and breathed even more than I did the week before. We texted with Axel during these moments and shared pictures and places and it, in some weird little ways, it felt like he was with us. That made me happy. And, I think it did the other three too.

However, today was the clincher for me because the three of us shared a breakfast and Mack and I went on an adventure to see the city on foot after riding the train for a bit. We walked and took some pictures and, as the day was winding down and my flight was near, we went to a tiny outside bar on a concrete island in the middle of a river and had a beer where we each faced the water and we talked. We talked about what we each need in life. We talked about things about his divorce we had not gone into the details of before. We talked about Jeep and Huey and the dynamics of his submissive relationship with them and how this might play a role in how he moves forward in the dating pool and whether a locked dick would be a help or a hindrance (which, FYI, begs the question to you single guys, what would you think if you hooked up and found someone had a locked dick?). On my end, I talked about Axel and the, now more apparent than ever, rapid decline of my mother’s mental state and what that is going to mean for all these good things that have been happening as well as an addiction crisis with my best vanilla non cuddly friend that has literally shaken me to my core because I didn’t see it and even Axel, the trained one in these things, didn’t see it either.

It was during this moment, or conversation, where the wind blew just right and the air was just the right temperature and I had one of those outside myself moments where I just wanted to just fucking breathe and smile because, this moment, in this one moment, the conversations, the meals, the work events, the naked cuddles, and the sexy as fuck texts with Axel all lined in that warm breezy place and I felt happier and more loved than I can remember feeling in such a long time. It was happiness with a beer and a bestie. And it was one of those times I will remember forever and, luckily, I asked Mack to take a picture of me right there. That said, it’s not a great picture at all, BUT, it’s what it is and I will never forget this trip, despite the fact I had to work and I actually worked damn hard.

Contrary to my typical self as far as when I meet new people, this is not new relationship energy or a kink drop, this is genuine friendship and, though I am quite sad to not see these guys for awhile, I have zero doubt that this group will remain in my life forever, especially Mack who is an avid a texter as me. You know, when you think about it, this is a real bonus when you make friends after 40. And, as for distance, fuck it. I will continue to work here off and on, Mack is an American and has to come home occasionally, and we all have credit cards that buy plane tickets if and when the need occurs.

I will stop with these “nice” posts after this and will get back to my regularly scheduled posts about angst, things in Thumper’s ass (fyi, I see him in 2 weeks), and shiny metal peni, but, it occurred to me this week with my friend’s crisis that I am the guy who used to wince if someone said they loved me or if I had to say it to someone else, but, as the evolution of these life events is occurring, I decided I won’t be that guy anymore and proudly told Mack that I loved him when I left, cause I do and have no shame in saying it because I have such a respect for him and the friendship he has provided me. I think everyone needs to hear that sometimes without going into any spasms about their masculinity and I will make it a vow to say it when I feel it from now forward.

Finally,IMG_5569

To Axel in absentia, Mack, Jeep, and Huey – thank you for being a part of the evolution of Drew. The time, texts, and diet coke purchases will always be a bit of my soul.

I do love you all in various ways we all may never know. 

With much love, 

Drew