The Dating Husband

A fucking flight delay.

I worked hard this week to wrap up early, paid a fortune to change a ticket to get home early, and now I have a flight delay. Three and a half hours to be specific, which is why this one is called a fucking delay versus just a regular one.

Anyway, it’s giving me time to balance out a bit because the next twenty four hours at home are going to be crazy since I have two birthday parties, tons of laundry, and a multitude of things to plan and pack before going down under until Easter, much less making sure I talk to multiple people I care about voice to voice in case I wind up on that island from Lost. As much as I love it there, I am dreading it, because my OCD kicks into high alert and I feel like I am missing out of every single thing that is happening at home, even if I wasn’t actually supposed to have been part of it anyway. But, I know how to control that and am really not THAT worried, just aware.

While the last few posts have focused on Bolt and my impending control of his cock (not his mind, not his dating, not his life, maybe his jockstraps though – dear commenters), I have completely ignored the fact that over the last several weeks Axel has started “dating” a few boys here and there himself. His experiences have not go as great as mine have for multiple reasons I suspect, one being the fact that he is a fucking therapist and sometimes can make someone feel pretty deep as they suddenly find themselves all introspective while they are supposed to be enjoying a nice meal and, to be honest, he’s not that great at flirting.  Yes, he grew up in the South and should have learned this trade, but he didn’t and it tends to sound silly or just awkwardly contrived. I think that is turning boys off kinda fast, BUT, soon one will fall for it and they will do what they need to do. I mean, I did.

That said, the point of this was not about how he’s doing it, it’s about what he’s doing. I am fucking proud as I can be that he started looking for someone who might help him deal with life while I am away and I am happy for him when he thinks he has found a substantial prospect. That said, that kind of laying myself of the line like that is not really something I enjoy emotionally, though I have obviously done it. He’s stronger with rejection and can just file it into some file in his mind that will one day make him get  weapon and go to the streets or just process slowly as he gets older and even more wise.

His dating is important to me because it cleared up any lingering doubt I might have had at some point in my brain about doing things with Thumper and now with Bolt. Plus, this is signifying a healthier place with him and his recovery where he is ready to go out and do so.

Finally, while we are speaking of the Axman, I told him yesterday that if he’s having all the kinky thoughts he’s told me he has, then “man up” and show me (I was nicer about it than that). As things progress with me and my Dom side, there is not a single thing in my mind that stops me from subbing to him if he wants that, so I decided to simply remind him that at our ages, we should start because we need some flexibility within our muscles!

He reacted well and with one text said “oh good, be ready to be locked alongside Bolt awhile”.

So, we shall see.

The Kink Drop

It’s been an interesting week since I have been back from visiting the boy. A good week. Just interesting.

I am currently in Canada working with a team here that has me booked back to back all day in one hour meeting blocks, but they keep ending short leaving me with 10 minutes spaces to finally write down some of my thoughts.
As I have mentioned, the boy and I had a great time together, but was it too good? I ask that because when I got home, I was pretty blah. I missed the openness of kink around me and, maybe him, but we have not known each other well enough or long enough at that point to even begin to think that. I had Axel. I had Stella. I had everything and anything that makes me, as  a person, happy, but for some reason I wasn’t satisfied. Instead of rolling with this, I worried and worried some more. I have a history of anxiety and some depression during stress periods and I thought that might be coming back, but it felt different. Axel noticed and, being the sweet therapist he literally is, he tried hard to make me feel better, talk it through with me, and remind me that, in the very beginning days of all of this, I felt the same way when I left Thumper and those times I would visit there. He told me that it was okay and that, of course, there were going to be feelings but the sheer fact I had them was one of the reasons he loves me and surely one of the reasons Bolt was drawn to me. In addition, I am preparing for almost a month gone from home, my longest trip ever, and in my mind it would almost be easier if things were not going well with anyone as the better they are the more I fear I will miss something when I am 17 hours ahead and 7,800 miles away.
So, this went on a few days and I was talking to my buddy on Saturday, who is a kinkster himself, and he said “Dude, you are experiencing kink drop. This is entirely natural”. He went on to explain that when he goes to a kink event or spends time with kinky people, the next few days are always like the day after Christmas because you find yourself surrounded by those who think and act like you and, as excited as you are to get back home, it’s hard to not feel like there is something missing because the gear is packed back away, the mortgage is due, and you are just dealing with your basic life. This resounded HUUUUUUGE in my brain because it just made sense. The life I left to go see the boy was the exact same as it was before the collaring, but I just didn’t have a sleepsack laying on the bed with a naked really hot man ready to spend the night in it just right there.
This also brought up a lot of feelings I used to have for Thumper when I would leave him from those initial kinky, sex and toy filled times I would visit that always left me wanting and needing more. I used to confuse those feelings, in my head despite the fact we had up a NO FEELINGS wall, but in hindsight it also had to be the kink drop because those times I would see him and we would eat and shop and not have anything sexual happen, I would leave with a “see ya in a few months” and just be up and done and not think twice about it. So, was that all just around the kink? Was it the day after Christmas type madness, etc? Despite that rule, Thump and I formed a relationship of some sort which was not romantic in the slightest, but different than what I have with my other friends and one that lasts to this day.
With Bolt, yeah, there are going to be more feelings because we are both open to them and not afraid of them, and neither is Axel. There were a few comments on my last post directed toward him asking him if he was scared of the emotion and he responded with a “not at all” which made me proud of him. It’s far too early to predict the future, but once I understood the kink drop, it made processing the possibilities much easier and viable.
So, questions to those of you in multi partner relationships, especially long distance ones, do you have the drop as well?  For those not in these trios, do you experience this after events, etc?
Fire away…

The Boy Agreement

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So, more about that boy?

I have been quiet since my trip to see him for multiple personal reasons and, the biggest, is that he and I have been working out an agreement to what the future might hold. In theory, we formed a “relationship agreement”, which, if you think about it would be ideal in so many vanilla friendships; however, this one specifically applies to a Sir/boy dynamic, a chastity mentorship, and various small things that we both agreed to in order to stay consistent and grow with each other over the course of time that this agreement is in place. Details will follow, but I mentioned this early to set the major tone of this post.

As you know, our meeting was pretty happenstance. I was meeting this random dude who knew I liked Steelwerks and who thought he would say hello since we were close that particular day. We met and we clicked. Period. I remember thinking that this is the kind of boy that I would one day want to collar and, at some point in the conversation, he said something along those same lines about wanting to be collared by someone like me, but those sentences blended into a mix of discussions about our switchiness, our mutual experiences in chastity, and how I am at a stage in life where my Daddy-side is emerging as rapidly as the gray hair in my beard. This kid made me swoon in a not-really-romantic-yet-some-romantic-sexy-wanna-take-care-of him fashion. Apparently, he felt the same way (though probably without nearly as many hyphens) and, two weeks later we have a signed agreement (that doesn’t have an end date) and, he has a clasped band around his wrist that serves as the collar. This will be glued shut tomorrow rendering it non-removable without destroying it, so the symbolism is huge.

My two nights with him were great. We made great use of a sleepsack, a straightjacket, a few hoods, some clamps, and I, somewhat ceremoniously, locked him in my Axel cage for two days and left with him locked in my Steelheart. He has his own Steelwerks cage, very similar to mine, arriving this week (there are advantages to having a best friend who makes cages) and when that is in place, he will be locking significantly more under my direction. In fact, we are building to a year locked which has been a fantasy of his (and mine) for many years.The funny thing is during those two nights we didn’t have sex, per se. Yes, there was some oral action and lots of naked togetherness and, as much as I wanted to fuck him, I know those times will come down the road. For me, this was about taking control from him, and, at the end, allowing him an orgasm in a way meant to be very special as it’s the last he will be having with me for many months. I wanted to watch and be allowing that from a vantage point versus just “fucking it out of him.” That said, I am so tempted to call the Skymiles line and get on a plane and go fuck him now, but Axel would likely not approve, especially because I have to go to Canada for five days starting tomorrow, and I am sure Bolt has other things going on that would inhibit him from just dropping it all too. But, alas, a Sir and boy can dream, huh?

Distance will not really be an issue later, though it is funny that he is almost the exact same mileage from me as Thumper is. Right now, it’s all about distance because I leave for a month in Australia next weekend and, while I am gone, his work is sending him to Japan for six months. So, while those things do indeed suck, the great news is that technology will make daily communication easier and, because of my super weird life, I have gotten really used to my world being filled with electronic relationships – a plus and a minus but something best saved for a future post.

The agreement is something that will remain private between us, but essentially it calls for him to have regular communications through specific measures and to not use his dick without permission. When his Steelwerks arrives, he will have about a week to get used to it before entering into the first of our two major agreements which will be 100 days locked which should take him somewhere to the middle of July without an orgasm. As of right now, I am investigating flying to Japan for day 101 and then, after that, he has some serious training to do for a few triathlons and races before entering into the already signed agreement of one full year without an allowed orgasm starting around November or so. My side of the agreement is to protect, encourage, mentor, and help him grow as a man and a boy and, oh yeah, to run one of his smaller races with him before the one year locking period starts. So, fat me needs to get moving.

He is going to reply to this post with a comment or two, so welcome him, but, as part of this experience, he is going to write a series of posts about the reality of getting what he asked for starting with the arrival of the Steelwerks next week. Those will be guest posted on here so you can all follow Bolt on his journey.

Oh yeah, one more note, in the last post I had a lovely comment about me cheating on both my husband and Thumper and, I just had to laugh it off. Axel, the husband for those of you new to this, is THRILLED and has already sent Bolt a small “welcome to the family” gift. Thumper is not a factor and, though he and I have not really talked this week, I know he is just as excited for me and this will not have any bearing on what he and I do. And, you know what, there may even be more boys in the near future, as there is a beta for Bolt we have our eyes on. It’s all fun!

Finally, to Bolt, I am very happy how things have transpired and look forward to this journey with you.

About the boy

Last week I started about seven posts and never finished any of them. It was a birthday week, a busy work week, a Spring Training baseball week, and a week my Mother wound up being in the hospital for days (still in) due to some heart things caused by her deciding to play the role of pharmacist with her pills.

But, it’s a new week and today I am on an adventure. You will remember a few weeks back I met my new friend, Bolt, who I told you I clicked with immediately? Well, today and tomorrow I am going to see him. Yes, in some ways it’s rushed but, considering the fact that he and I will have opposing international travel for about five months, this might be the only chance there is to get to know each other better, eat together, and, well, get naked together. We have talked some serious chastity goals for him as well, but that will be for another post at another time as it’s in the air at the moment and we need some more face to face time to figure out what the reality of that situation is. That said, I have alerted Steelwerks’ Chris to stand by and be ready, welder in hand.

Bolt is a switch like myself, but he leans submissive with me. I think you have to be a true switch to understand that this is possible, but in situations like this, one can be the primary dom but allowing the sub to dom from time to time is a great reward for good behavior. He and I met three weeks ago through Twitter, though it wasn’t anything planned and I am not even sure we had previously held a conversation, but he was traveling through my hometown, on a Sunday, and direct messaged me to say hi and ask if I would be able to meet for a coffee in an effort to expand both of our kinky social networks. So, on a fluke, I was available and Axel was fine with it so I went, though coffee turned into lunch and lunch was followed by a walk and capped by a quick kiss in my truck as he HAD to leave. Yeah, we clicked in a way unexpected to either of us.

He’s tall (6’4′). He’s young (31ish). He’s masculine. He’s handsome. He’s a runner. He’s kinky. He’s into chastity. He’s structured. He’s adorable. He’s into latex. And, more than anything, he’s a good guy with a perverted streak that makes mine look tame and innocent (you know, just like me). He’s working this week and I am planning on doing the same and getting all the paperwork and non billable parts of my job done during the day – the beauty of being able to work anywhere. But, who knows what the evenings hold and there are honestly not that many expectations aside from picking up where we left off and finishing some great conversations and a kiss or seventeen. Oh, and he and I are about the same size, so he’s going to wear my cage while I am there (the Axel) which is something I had never really thought about before, but something, for some reason, I find incredibly hot in about 27 different ways.

So, my flight is boarding and I am off. Hopefully there will be more to write about soon.

Open.

Hello from 31,000 feet somewhere above a flyover state. I was seeing Thumper at the end of a work trip and after a niiiiiiice afternoon of the bisexual bunny tongue and a great dinner, he got what appears to be the flu, so I am coming home early to bathe in a tub of Purell. Now, I am disappointed that we didn’t get to go through with our original plans noted in previous posts, but I am also thrilled to not be the one with the “condition” and am joyous about coming home seven hours early – with an upgraded seat on top of it. But, this post is something I have been planning to write for awhile, so since there are no real fist worthy stories to share, I will just go back to regular programming.

This week’s subject: the word “open”.

We have talked a lot about this whole open thing and my appreciation for it, but, in all honesty, it’s really only been the last few months, or maybe weeks, that I have realized how much I actually really like it, value it, and, well, crave it. There are various reasons for this, which I will go into in a bit, but the open part, I have discovered, is really starting to go beyond just my marriage and really into my whole mindset too. It’s funny because when I think about my life, I am in an open career – multiple desks at multiple employers in multiple states and countries, an open marriage – the rabbit and a the husband and maybe more, and, new to me, a variety of open friendships – in various states, cities and countries with people who are not all like me – being built around open discussion, frank conversation, and no shame or judgment. I can honestly tell you that it’s a really recent occurrence that I can call a friend to brag about the size of the giant plug Thumper put in his ass while also talking about the boy I am going to see in a few weeks between conversations about my mother’s Alzheimer’s disease. I didn’t make friendships like these in college or high school and as I rapidly settle into middle age, I am thrilled to say it’s happening in real time, not just virtually.

This realization was poked this week by a few life events that just made me smile. That said, I have been in a funk and a half the last month or so because, do you remember my big career decision I had to make? Well, against everyone’s advice here which is based solely on people who have seen pictures of my penis, I said yes and the reality of the new career focus was not ass slamming crazy busy as expected, but s – l – o -w movement and a few months of being at the bottom of production reports instead of at the top. I hate that and that had me funky. But, the bigger part of this week is I randomly met a boy from Twitter, who I will call Bolt, that just made me crush all over him because he’s adorable, kinky, masculine, professional, and, from a very brief conversation and walk around downtown, he is managing to blend all of that together in a way that has created this web of caring and kinky that he can seek shelter in when he needs to. Now, I don’t know him that well yet (but intend to) to know where this falters as I am sure it’s not the ideal picture I just painted all the time, but when the first thing I did when Bolt and I parted was to call Axel to tell him he was a great guy and that I kissed him in my car, I had this thought about “how fucking cool is this?” At that moment it wasn’t about a potential anything other than a mental celebration of my husband being open enough to allow me to meet strangers who might one day be a friend, a naked friend, or both. I realized that if we didn’t have this, there would be voids in my life from people and things created over the last four years that have help shape and grow me and, at that moment, I really embraced the openness while craving more of it at the same time.

I never really thought much about the fact that an open marriage is about more than sexual relations outside the twosome, but it really is and I would reckon that those I know in marriages like mine would say the same thing. For us, the best part is that the lack of secrets or the willingness to let the other explore, has opened us up to each other more too. A case in point is this week, Axel and I were texting during the day about the insurance payment due and whether our neighbor will ever move their trash cans off the sidewalk and that turned into a “what are you and Thumper doing this week?” which turned into a “Oh wow, well, I think that when you are home I want you to…”, which led to erections and lusting and, with any hope, a fun weekend ahead. I mean, I am home early now.

Axel is exploring his own types of openness as well and, as scary as I thought it would be, it’s not. He’s becoming a bit more bold, a bit more out of his shell, and a bit less afraid of the unknown too and I find that sexy as fuck. He, of course, has people who rely on him in one spot every day and can’t jet around like I do while getting paid, so his is a bit more scattered and, well, vanilla, but still it’s working to bring us closer in more ways than just sex. He’s had a really rough few years physically, so it’s also something that I think is amazing to watch as he’s now less afraid to show his scars – literally – and that is a power move in my brain that makes me want to do good bad things to him more and more.

So, in an effort to make sure that happen, I will wrap this one now but will write the Bolt story soon, after, of course, I find out if he’s open to it.

Anonymous Asses

Last week, Thumper posted about the training he and I have been doing together to one day expand his ass to take a fist (well, one day being next week actually). It was a great post and one that, I thought, provided a lot of insight into where he and I are friendship wise and, even more so, on what it takes to accept one’s status as an “ass whore” or another name that I affectionately call him that is not for publication.

The point, or one of the points, of the post, I thought, was about the trust factor that it’s taken between the two of us and the time and patience we have both had in the process. Yes, yes, there was some emotional mumbo jumbo mixed in there too, but overall the take away, for me, was the mind over matter part that Thumper has had to overcome in order to take giant things in his rectum while enjoying it.

I expected a few comments on it and there are a few strings between him and someone else that are, well, cute, but what I didn’t expect was the “outpouring”(well, 7) of guys who also wanted me to train their asses to take a fist or to stay plugged all the time, etc. First, I have a day job and have enough trouble flipping my phone fast enough in public when Thumper’s shiny junk pops up, but, more specifically, with the exception of one I plan to push, we don’t know each other – why would you want a complete stranger taking you on a path that is so personal? or, is it the fact that I would be a stranger something that is the driving factor?

I am not judging the guys who asked this at all,  but I am now officially saying no. The exception to this would be alco, you know, the boy whose cock I locked in the shower?, but he and I have lots of talking to do first. I realize that many many people are driven by the anonymity of the internet and the like for sexual encounters and that is a huge thing. For me, while my mind has been broadly opened the last few years, the need to know someone’s mother’s maiden name before seeing them naked is not anything I think will change for me. But, who knows.

 

Objectifying Thumper – Take Two

A few days ago Thumper posted something on this blog (yes, he can do that and is always encouraged to do so) about the evolution of our friendship and, while he didn’t say this directly, how we seem to have found a groove that, I suspect, might be something that can sustain itself as we have taken many items off of the table.

To go backwards, Thumper and I never quite fit into a preconceived relationship category. We were not just friends, but, even though we used the word, we were never boyfriends either. We were not Dom/sub or Master/slave though we, at times, had those elements because, well, he looks great in my collar. We were not fuck buddies, though we did fuck like rabbits, in part, because I have a dick and he doesn’t, but also because he has an ass that longs for training. We celebrated the fact that we were not these things, but that still left us with questions of what we were and how we should function, which, to be frank, caused some hurt feelings, confusion, and some even better sex.

However, what’s done is done and all of that mumbo jumbo served as a vehicle which we used to grow our kinky sides and to evolve where we each have now owned our kink a bit more than before. As he discussed in that post, I have worked with him steadily to help him understand his need to be dominated and, more so, his need to be penetrated. Through those things, I have come to understand my dominant side more and have found a comfort place with it where I can say that I don’t need “boyfriend moments” like I once thought I did. Though I care for him as a friend and know that if life dealt either one of us the cards where a friend is needed more than a kink we’d be there, I really do not see him on that level right now as much as I see him as the clay I am still molding (into various plug shaped items) and using as a sexual object and a way of growing my own dominant identity. My mind would have once asked me how I could see a friend as an object but now it just goes along with it because, for Thumper, that is really what he needs when with me and I am more than happy to oblige. The reality, as he said, is not much changes to the naked eye, but we know the dynamic has an edge and edges have consequences and those are what is fueling the fire as we each grow in opposite, yet very complementary directions.

As part of that, we know that we will have hot periods and cold periods which are based on life and our other halves, but from now on, when I visit, I am coming to come and in blocking his calendar he knows what will be required of him. Without the ambiguity that has plagued us we are both happier and will both grow in our respective roles and, trust me, he will be saying thank you.

On the home front, my growth in the dom aspect is also noticeable and Axel is quite happy about it. See, before, because he likes to lock me up and because I like that, we automatically put me in a sub role, but that’s not really the case at all. We are finally seeing that the chastity can and is being used as an element to fuel me (and him because it’s a turn on) so, with this new thinking, it feels pretty natural and Thump was also one to benefit from it as my unlocking occurred the morning of my last visit. Ax will still take the controlling role with the key and that’s wonderful and part of his grander plan which I will discuss soon.

 

The Drew Effect (by Thumper)

Thumper here. Drew was in town the other day (see the post immediately before this one). In the recent past, these visits have not involved sex between us but this time around we approached it in a way that works for me.

The struggle I’ve had is flipping between friend and sub. Between Drew being Mr. Confident Dom vs. Thumper’s friend. But coinciding with the last visit was a desire within me to do some serious subbing so, in order to make that work (because I also knew he was ready to top the fuck out of me), I asked for him to only interact with me during the day we had as a sub. Which, besides the actual time spent having sex, might not have seemed that different to anyone looking in from outside, but it worked for me. I was able to maintain the headspace. Partly because of little things he did (like leave his trash on the table at Shake Shack for me to clean up and not obviously seek my approval about anything) but also the fact that I had a heavy chain collar on the whole time we were out and about.

Anyway, it worked. And, if anything, we’ve more or less maintained a Dom/sub dynamic after he left. One that’s been able to intensify since Belle has been away for about a week and a half. Since he’s wherever he is and I’m here, this has manifested in me letting him have control over the my ass.

I’ve been thinking lately that Drew has been instrumental in leading me to better understand some things about myself. I’ve always known anal play was something I enjoyed, pretty much since I can remember having sexual thoughts, but Drew has helped me achieve a new level of consciousness about it. Since we’ve been “together” I’ve come to realize I am 100% a bottom. I just don’t like anal penetration, I crave it. Just as I’m a total sub, there’s no top in me. Even though I have no functioning penis when we’re going at it, I have realized I really don’t need one. I don’t want to top anyone and I never really have (I’ve never enjoyed fucking men). All I want to do and be is the bottom. Thanks to being with Drew, I have come to fully embrace this part of me in a way I never have before.

Since I’m bisexual and have primarily been with women for most of my life, I didn’t have a chance to delve into the subculture that is bottoming. It’s a really fascinating role for a man who, culturally anyway, is expected to be the penetrator in any sexual situation. To invade the partner. So to feel none of that need when having sex with another man is…interesting. All I want is the opposite. To be entered and used and taken and to do it all in the best possible way. To be the best host and provide maximum outlet for his sexual needs. I may have struggled at some points in my life with my deep need to bottom because we have no positive role models to look to, but I don’t now. It’s an identity I wear with pride. Like my need to submit, it’s something of a super power.

I can even see this how this manifests in my relationship with Belle. She has no desire to fuck me and, of course, is not naturally built that way anyway. But I have always, my whole life, felt a deference to ensuring the women I’ve been with are experiencing as much pleasure as possible. Sure, I wanted to fuck and the feeling of being inside a woman is uniquely intoxicating, but even then, I fucked with her needs and feelings in mind. I rarely, unless invited to, took my pleasure first or gave it priority over theirs. While I’m not technically bottoming in a penetrative way with Belle (or any other woman), I still very much feel the part. It’s also, I think, a part of what makes the idea of her being with another “alpha” man so attractive to me. I so badly want her to have what I am not, by nature and circumstance, able to provide.

Practically, Drew has helped me in another way. I used to have in my mind an idea of what I was physically able to take as a bottom. If you go back and read my review of the dildo modeled after Jeff Stryker’s cock, it’s almost comically presented as the biggest thing I’d ever be able to get in my ass. I spent a great deal of time describing how hard it was to take. I actually thought, seriously, I could not stretch any bigger. Now, I see that dildo as a minimum size for any real solo funtime. Even if I haven’t played with anything in my ass for a while, I can take that dildo without a great deal of effort.

In a weird way, what one’s ass can do is limited more by one’s own expectations than one’s physiology. Once I knew the Stryker dildo was no big deal, it wasn’t. Drew helped me understand that, too, by encouraging (and not for purely charitable reasons, to be sure) my experimentation with bigger toys.

The best example of that is the World’s Most Comfortable Butt Plug from Mr. S. I had the one they call size XL which has a similar circumference as Stryker and I assumed it was as big as I could use, but Drew got me to try the XXL (I can’t recall now if I already had it or he bought it for my ass). We would have FaceTime sessions where he watched me struggle with it and generally be a whiny dramatic little bitch, but it eventually got in. After a few times, it became less scary. I was able to carry it around for a day at a time. It stopped being a challenge and started being fun.

So he got me the XXXL WMCBP. That one’s a beast, but it was the same kind of deal all over again. I swore it would never fit. Was terrified that once it went in it wouldn’t come out. But Drew was insistently supportive. He had more faith in my ass than I did. And, eventually, it got it. In all its 8″ around, nearly 2 pound glory. In fact, as part of our current Dom/sub understanding, I have it in right now. My confidence with it grew so that, at first, I wouldn’t dare leave the house while it was in. But just like the XXL, I’ll go anywhere with it now. To work, shopping, whatever (it’s not as simple as just leaving in there, but I’ll spare you the details for now).

Other large toys came after. One, in the shape of a fist nearly identical in size and appearance to my own, that’s 12.5″ in circumference. My desire to take these larger toys was driven as much by my need to to do it for him as it was the incredible physical sensation of being stretched, figuratively and literally, by the experience. Now I find my desires with regard to what happens to my ass magically align with his fantasies. In much the same way my expectations with regard to sex with Belle eventually became essentially what she wanted. That’s my zero-dominant nature molding to be the mirror of my sex partners.

To this end, Drew has told me he intends to fist me at our next meeting. I can remember a time when the very idea of that would be impossible to imagine. I cringed at images of fisting because I didn’t understand the dynamic that would lead two people to be in a place where it would happen. But I get it now. And I want it now. I want it because it’s essentially the last challenge I have yet to accomplish (it’s like the ultimate TRUE BOTTOM™ achievement) but I also want it because he wants to do it to me. Just as he’s a Dom and I’m a sub, he’s a top with an intense interest in making me bottom to him. He gets off on the idea of making me accept his whims over my ass and, of course, I do too.

So that’s going to happen. His giant hand will be inside me, easily the biggest thing I’ve ever taken. And now that I know it’s going to happen, I know I will be able to do it. He’s more than an inch bigger around than the fist toy I have (1.25″, in fact) but he’s also not a molded piece of silicone and I’ll be motivated to perform for him. It’s going to happen. I’m sure I’ll still be a whiny little bitch about it, but…he kinds of likes it when I suffer.

A Trusting Blowjob

It all started with:

Do not let my dick even slip out of your mouth until I tell you it’s time” 

A simple statement from me, but a new challenge for Thumper as he was now swallowing me while enduring my right hand gripping his balls in a vice like method while my left caressed his chest lightly before finding a nipple to essentially assault mercilessly. I think I have mentioned before how good he is with his bisexual bunny tongue and a blow job from him is something one could stand in line for (fyi, next time I am there I may entertain visitors so let me know if interested), but this was the first time, I recall, that I had abused him quite so much during oral activity.

It was right after I had thumped his stretched scrotum really hard that I realized the implicit trust I had in him not to bite down or do anything in that vain to me as he had my favorite body part right there. Yes, I know there was already a huge amount of trust in the room as he was submitting to me, but I realized that the level of trust a top has to put in a bottom, especially during a BDSM scene, is almost as equal as the bottom to the top. Yes, I said almost because the chances of me hurting him were far greater than him me, but you get the idea.

See, since I have been old enough to remember, every single thing I have read about BDSM was that the bottom has to have an implicit level of trust in the top. I can remember tons of articles about never letting someone tie you up in your own home or meeting in a public place or making sure you had safely words and all that jazz (all great advice) and while some would use the phrases “mutual trust” or similar, almost all of these are geared toward the bottom of the relationship. I understand this completely, but as a top, especially a Dom, you have to also trust your partner to know that they will not do something that will cause you pain or injury. In a power control situation, I would say that this is even more important because I have to trust Thumper, but I also have to know him and his limits, his reactions, and more to make sure that terrific blow I give to his nether regions combines with the terrific blow I am receiving to my nether regions without a trip to the ER.

So, boys and girls, take this blow by blow to heart and know that the trust factor is indeed two pronged.

Fucking the Rabbit

Five nights into the 12 night trip and here I sit in a Skyclub on Sunday morning off for seven more days of work. The good news is Axel is sitting next to me as he joined me for a few nights, but in about an hour we will both board planes heading different directions. Him south to home and me north to the great white tundra.

But, that’s minor because this week started with a trip to see Thumper. And, a good trip it was. That said, it wasn’t a trip specified for sex nor was it not. We tend to play things by ear a bit more these days and have the rule that if the vibe is there and activated – nakedness will occur. If it is not – clothes stay on and lots of food is consumed.

This week, there were vibrations and nudity did occur. And, for probably the first time since we removed the “boyfriend” label, we had pretty raw, unbridled sex that, at least for me, was not complicated by emotions. Yes, Thump is, on most days, on my list of favorite people for many reasons aside from his ass and tongue abilities, but, for those six or so hours this week (yes, exaggeration in play), he really was just a hole to me and an object that was there for my amusement. This is what he has wanted far longer than me but I was never really able to not beat him without wanting to swoop in immediately after to say “was that too hard, are you okay?” This time, I honestly didn’t care because we had negotiated what it was to be and, while my collar was on him, my hirsute toy awaited.

I fucked him hard. I fucked him slow. I used multiple fingers and toys in the roughest ways I could and, like the pain slut he is, he took it. I had implements for his ass and nipples with me, but decided to just use my hands as I am pretty strong and downright wicked when I want to be. I used him – hard. I came – a lot (a benefit of being locked the two weeks prior). And then I left him hogtied on the bed while I wordlessly got up and took a shower. We talked a bit after that, but not much. I did not unlock the collar and made him wear it while we went to lunch and a few stores before I unlocked it in the airport departures area when he dropped me off. It was right and appropriate. 

We didn’t analyze the sex. We didn’t worry about what it meant. We just fucked without feeling and, for the first time ever, I finally understood how some guys could just walk out after intercourse without feeling anything. To be frank, had we not had our friendship base, I likely would have done just that, but since I would have felt really silly coming back later as he was my ride to the airport, I decided to stay (and we did have a good time later too).

During these moments I had some bigger thoughts about the overall scope of bonding and trust any of these things take, but that’s for another point.

Finally, on a side note, do you know how hot this is to write about this while sitting next to my husband? it’s pretty cool and, in fact, I think I will ask him to read this now.

So, a quick update from the naked road. More soon.