Really naked

Thumper and I have seen each other all kinds of naked. Straight naked. Geared naked. Gaping naked. Sated naked. However, this week, I think we each got to see the other more naked than ever, and we didn’t even take our clothes off.

Thumper just left me after about a day together in our typical one afternoon, one morning style of doing things and I am staying at the hotel for a couple more hours to do some work before catching a cab to the airport. This visit was probably the most different one that he and I have had for a few different reasons, but it certainly was a nice visit nonetheless.

So, I am thinking about R words because there were several key R words that happened this trip, the first being “relationship”. See, as you know, Thumper has been sick and is still not up to his old rabbity ways. I am sure he will be writing a post about this at some point, in some form, but this particular virus he had sucked up his energy, his sex drive, and diluted his bisexuality just a bit. Now, that is something I understand 118 percent because, when I am sick, a troop of naked firemen could walk through my room and the first thought I might have would be if they were cold, because any and all sex drive that is contained inside me is usually long gone. So, Thumper not being the randy rabbit he usually is was different, but aside from walking way too slow because he was truly weakened, he was the same ole Thumper and the guy I really have a good time with, naked touching aside. What this did, however, was either force us, or perhaps allow us, to simply spend the bulk of our time talking, and talking deep on a few subjects, one of which being the “R” word – relationship. We got on to this through a conversation about Belle and her telling him that he and I were indeed in a relationship (I hope he blogs that). Now, that word initially caused both of us to have the hair on the back of our neck stand up on end, but as we discussed this over a partially palatable lunch (Thumper and I do not have a history of choosing good lunch places) we both agreed that yes, yes, we do have the R word and, though, almost undefinable through conventional methods, we acknowledge it is there without the other R word, romance, raising it’s head other than when a few romantic phrases like “well, the good news is even with all this I don’t find you repulsive – another R word – today” come out of his Hallmarkish lips. We talked about this fact and agreed that it’s okay and it’s a good thing because, even without sex, this is what we each wanted when we signed up for this rendezvous. We were able to discuss the parameters of our time together and laughed because, in some ways, we have a very scripted friendship that could almost all take place virtually except for the touching and naked parts, but, since we have to abide by the script which, in this case means blocked calendar days for him and booked travel for me, we have to move forward even if the magic mojo isn’t flowing. I think we both sorta deep down like that because, we do have a good time together and, I mean this every single time I say this, but I never ever leave Thumper without feeling a bit smarter about something. We really agreed that we could do this indefinitely, which, in the world of fuck buddy friendships is like an engagement, so we will let you know which sex shop we will be registered at soon. I’m hoping Steelwerks has a registry or at least Mr. S.

The funny thing in all of this is that, at least at first, I think he was a bit surprised that I would still want to be around him if he was fully clothed but we got through that quickly. He thanked me for understanding about ten times, which I found sweet but unnecessary too because, it’s what any two people in any similar situation would do. I laughed because there have been hundreds of times over mine and Axel’s 18 years where one or both of us felt the way he did yesterday and the other just never gave it another thought because, it’s just part of growing and sharing a life, but for me and Thumper, it was new and different, so we HAD to think about it. That said, it was fun to joke about me buying him breakfast and he didn’t even put out one single bit. Did I miss the sex? yes, particularly early today when I was a bit randy, but, also, that was mostly because I missed my free window to ejaculate because Axel allows that when I am with Thumper.

So, the next R word is raw. Now, now, minds out of the gutter on this one, because we don’t talk about that raw, but this morning was a very emotionally raw morning for me, and I probably gave Thumper a different side of myself for him to view as well. As you kinda now, my job is weird. Even people who have known me my whole life often can’t understand exactly what it is I do, but they play along nicely and I appreciate it greatly. That said, there has been some recent pressure in the office to do things in a way that I am not comfortable and, this morning, I received another email reminding me that I was not doing this right. This led me to a funk that soon had Thumper and I stretched out on the floor with him helping me rewrite some documents which was followed by me just verbally vomiting every single thing that has me worried about the day to day world I am in up to and including the fact that I do not feel like I am being a good submissive to Axel, which is a subject he and I rarely talk about because of our own dynamics. He saw me raw and that embarrassed me at first because in my head I was screaming the “you are supposed to be the dominant boyfriend” line to myself while sitting in front of him I wanted, for a few fleeting seconds, to just break out in tears and then get a really big hug from him. In the end, I got the hug without the tears, but when he left I felt more emotionally raw than I have ever in front of him and I am still a bit off put because I feel like I used our time together in “inappropriate” ways even though I know without a single doubt that he has likely not given it an ounce of thought since he drove away. The good news about that is that the rawness sapped any of the randiness I was feeling, so Axel need not worry about me chasing the meaning of “with Thumper” to mean if in the same city or bed.

So, there is not much more to day than to just apologize to you all for the lack of sexy Twitter pics and salacious posts, but, as we have said, sometimes life is life and, at the end of the day, like I have said before, Thump and I are two lucky bastards who have found married partners who get us and each of our 1,076 personal complexities and now who have a boyfriend that at least get a few more than before.

Glass Houses

Axel and I went to dinner with two sets of our neighbors last night (one male couple and one male/female couple) and wound up later in their pool having delightful conversation until someone brought up the story on the internet that has been going around about the two sisters who were sitting behind a married couple at a Braves/Dodgers game a week or two ago watching what the wife was texting while her husband paid attention to the game. I had not even heard about this at that point, but the wife was sexting with someone named “Nancy” but it was, according to the sisters, clearly a pseudonym for a man named Mark Allen, who was oddly identified by his last name during the sexting (who does that?), and these two women took it upon themselves to not only take pictures of her screen but to write “your wife is cheating on you. Look in her phone under Nancy” on a program and handed it to the man when they left with their number saying “text me for the pictures”.

Now, frankly, this thing just screams internet hoax to me because, for one thing, these two women apparently went to the press (or to at least social media) to expose what they did and to promote themselves as saviors. That alone, in my opinion, means they deserve to be publicly flogged, but maybe there is something to it so today I plan to help an old lady lift her bag into the overhead bin and tweet about it. But anyway, according to these women, the husband texted them and they sent the pictures and have not heard another word.

What enraged me about this last night was that my two sets of friends sided with the sisters thinking that they were in the moral right showing the man “what skank” he was married to. Axel and I contended that you never know what arrangement one might have and that you can’t judge them based on that alone. While we never said it, it was in my mind that I have texted some pretty racy things to Thumper while sitting a few inches away from Axel and, well, if and when he did see my screen he would just laugh and say something like “you are going to need more sleep than you are getting to pull that off, dear”. You know, modern marriage at its best.

Now, of these friends, I know for a fact the wife of the one couple has had two brief flings. I am not sure they can be called affairs because I don’t know if she even knew the name of the other party involved and that of the gay couple, one of them is on Grindr each night “just browsing”. I have no ill will to either of them because  I don’t know what private deals they have with each other like I have with Axel and I have, BUT, don’t publicly judge because I so want to call your ass out on that. While this was going on, Axel and I gave each other the look across the pool that was pretty much the “I’m fine if you want to call them out and out our arrangement look”, but in the end, neither of us did because, well, it just wasn’t worth it and, frankly, it was Sunday night and I still needed to do a load of laundry, pack for the week, and there was a brownie at home with my name on it, so I decided to just call them an idiot in my head and hop out and dry off.

In addition, with the whole Ashley Madison thing from last week, I am curious to know how many of the people who are judging them are secretly worried they are going to be discovered? I have to admit that I had never heard of the site, but actually logged in the other day and took a look around and it’s a pretty nifty site, especially because there are so many choices in sexuality that are portrayed. They even have a gay side too, which is called something horrid like “down low” because, well, apparently we should have shame in our cruising. Of course, this led to an exploration of Openminded.com which is even more fascinating because, on that, I think Thumper could actually check the bipanflexible box, which is cool in many ways of letting people explore their sexualities.

So, just another night in the repressed South.

Mom meet Thumper – Part III

It’s been awhile since I mentioned anything about my mother, so, as a brief reminder I am 110 percent a momma’s boy and am very lucky to have been dealt the cards I was. Now, as I have also mentioned, the woman is intuitive and, as she ages and with what appears to be very early stages of Alzheimer’s having been diagnosed, her intuitive side has gotten stronger even when the rest of her mind is going the other way. I frankly suspect that it really hadn’t gotten stronger and has always been there like that, but that she had the ability to censor herself a bit more or at least tone the thought down so that she didn’t look crazy (the reversal is ironic in some senses, isn’t it?).

So, anyway, I have not mentioned much about her lately because she has not given any more clues as to whether she knows about the boyfriend or anything else. I suspect this has been mostly because there has been big drama in their house with buying a new car, three extra doctor’s appointments, and a new wireless password I had to change since their old one was their last name. So, she’s been tired. However, yesterday I called to tell them that I was home for the weekend and to remind them that I’d see them at a different time on Sunday for a few reasons and the call went well, even though they have turned into the kind of old people where both have to be on the call at the same time. As we were wrapping up, she said, “Oh wait, Drew, we were just talking about the fact that it’s been a long time since you went to _______ (Thumper’s city – even though he says it occasionally, I don’t for whatever reason), and we are somewhat worried, is everything okay?” This just kind of took me back a few steps because it was out of the blue and was bizarrely on target so I said “All is good, Mom, I’m going up there Monday” and tried to end the call then. She would not let me before saying, “That’s great, now when we see you on Sunday make sure you bring pictures” which caused me to cringe into a pose I cannot even describe while also actually laughing out loud about the pictures I could show her.

Later in the day as I processed this, I think she was thinking it had been a long while because in June he and I went to California together so that was the title line of my schedule that she gets a copy of said so, to her, it would look like 8-10 weeks since I had been there. It’s sweet in a twisted way to think that my mother cares enough to track when I might be naked with my boyfriend. That said, I am still not entirely sure she knows what she is talking about as she may just think this is part of a bigger project I am working on for work, or that this is a place where I do presentations and trainings. I have shown her pictures before of some of the places I have spoken so those dots could have been connected as well.

Since Axel actually sees them more than me these days, I asked him about this over dinner last night and he just laughed and said that it happens with him a lot too and that he doesn’t think she knows, but is just trying to understand my life a bit better because, admittedly what I do is confusing without even factoring in that where I do it is different every single week. This was then countered by a story he told me about her asking him to look at my Facebook page with her a few weeks ago when we he dropped off Stella. He said that she had it open on her iPad and started asking him about my friends, etc. He said she specifically honed in on Thumper, but thinks it was because he and I were in a current to and fro conversation about something on there and not specifically because it was him. I asked what she said and he said she just said, “oh he’s handsome and they watch baseball together, right?”, and then he said that the conversation just went on like nothing was ever said or unusual. Frankly, I would like to think that if she thought I was fucking the man in the picture that she’d at least have a bit of concern for my husband, right?

The subject is surely to come up tomorrow when I see them because we have a whole month of new travel to go through and I will just laugh along with it unless she asks and, if she does, well, I guess there will be another post tomorrow.

Weirdness

It’s been a clusterfuck of a week. I say that in the nothing particularly wrong way but just in the nothing went as planned way. So,right now it’s 5 something in the morning and I am already 30 something thousand feet in the air on my way home after about an hour’s sleep last night and a 2:45am alarm. This early trip to the airport goes through the middle of New York City and, at 3:30 in the morning, nyc still always surprises me that there is so much activity and what kind of activity there is. (I saw prostitutes) (And, for the record, the really tacky kind that even if I were into women I don’t think I could bed because of worry about skins rashes and other things from the really nasty fabrics they were wearing).

So, back to the week. It was a funny week that included me accidently carjacking a man in a Prius, but that’s a story for later in this post. Emotionally it was a hard week to be one of the 50/50 people, you know, the switchy ones,  because in the exact same period of time,  I felt myself drawn to seek Axel and his control while also really pushing Thumper in ways that crossed a new threshold, which isn’t particularly bad because, as I have mentioned, we stumbled upon a setup for future D/s games that will likely fit well within our daily muggle lives if and when we play them. In both of these situations, I was thriving at the first of the week, feeding off energy from both of them on exactly different ways that was making me the happiest switchy guy out there. I was barking commands one minute and then saying “yes Sir” the second. I was amazed at how much Thumper could carry in his ass while also testing my own limits in the same way. I was (and still am, FYI) planning a future locked into a handmade device while also figuring out how best to use Thumper’s in a way to torture him at the right moments. It was an exciting few days that had me as giddy as a 33 year old again. 

Then, it stopped.

It stopped because I got on a plane to go to work Monday afternoon in a city made up of millions of strangers. It stopped because Axel had a young lady in a severe crisis that took all of his attention. It stopped because Thumper got sick. 

None, zero, not a single one of these things were anything that could be helped. These things are just life and every single one of us deals with this stuff, but for me, this week, they all just collided in a weirdly tandem way  which, combined with an odd week of one to one meetings in windowless conference rooms,  left me feeling like I had been punched in the gut and very lost in a weird hole between D/s, muggles, and work. And, yes, I used the word hole on purpose.

Now, as I am heading home, I am starting to feel normal again as if replenishment is around the corner. Axel and I have very different plans for the weekend schedule wise, but I think we are going to come together in a way that will help me “deal” with my s side a bit more, even if I have to force it a bit, something I have been less willing to do with him versus the rabbit. This time will be combined with a day and a bit of Thumper time at the start of the week, which, as trite as this might sound, always refreshes me in a few ways in addition to purely sexual sadism because that one day a month is about the only time I really allow myself to just shut out the job and any other outside pressures, which is an additional way that this marital openness has snuck up on me in the helping category.

So, all of this to say that I hope to be posting some really fun stuff next week versus the drab of this week.

Oh yeah, my carjacking story which I tell you just to amuse myself and reveal my idiot side to the world. So, on Tuesday I had a meeting in the Bronx where I had no idea of where it was. I got into a cab in Manhattan, spouted off the address which was 347 something something WEST and then settled into the vinyl laden back seat and started texting, tweeting, and perving a bit I am sure. About 30-40 minutes later, we pull up, the driver announces we are here, points to a building and I gather my things, tap my nifty apple watch at the reader to pay, and out I go. It wasn’t until the cab sped away that I realized that the building he pointed to was locked with a chain and a padlock and that I was the only person for about the two blocks I could see who was wearing matching clothes (for the record I was in a full suit and it was 94 degrees). He had taken me to something something EAST.  I honestly didn’t know what to do and did not want to pull out my iPhone in that area because, well, being the tall guy in a suit and tie was likely all I needed to paint my target, so I started walking west. I made it a about two blocks when I saw this gray Prius with stickers on the windows that looked like a hired car, so I flagged him down, he pulled up, I jumped in the back seat and told him where I wanted to go. While I didn’t see the apparently terrified look on his face, he said he knew where it was and took me there within a few minutes. When we arrived, I asked how much I owed him to which he replied “oh, it don’t know, I don’t drive people”, which then terrified me as I realized I had just car jacked him, so I threw a $20 bill at him while he waved ferociously at me while smiling as I quickly expected the scene, trying carefully to wipe any fingerprints as I went.

It hit me later how incredibly stupid I was, not only because I didn’t get a receipt for reimbursement, but, that was a stupid stupid move that I have felt bad about having been so foolish all week.

Solutions?

“If I had an hour to solve a problem I’d spend 59 minutes thinking about the problem and 1 minute thinking about solutions.”

― Albert Einstein

I am in a New York City conference room today giving a presentation and the quote listed above from Albert Einstein was on the wall behind where I was speaking. While this particular quote is often the subject of debate about whether or not he actually said it, it made me start thinking while I was talking and now, sitting at a less than quiet lunch in the same room (it’s less than quiet because a LOUD woman three offices over with a very New York accent is showing vacation pictures of her cruise to two ladies who keep ahhhhing and oooohing – I.Want.To.Kill.Them) and I started thinking about the quote even more and how it applies to me and Axel, me and Thumper, and me and life in general.

First, I am too lazy and too pushed for time today to actually look up the quote to make sure I understand the context in which  it was said and to see if I am interpreting it right, so I am just going to generalize it to say that, for me, it clicked that I need to just quite wallowing in problems at times and find my solutions faster. Now, I am absolutely sure that is NOT what Einstein meant, especially when you apply it to chastity and butt plugs, but, it inspired me so I’m going with it.

With Axel, he and I have spent so much time talking about why we have not “gotten our kink on” in the way we want versus just fucking finding the right solution to just start it, that we are growing tired of the the discussion which ultimately kills any kinky desire. It’s very similar to the endless conversations we used to have about opening up our marriage and what our friends would think and what rules would apply when and what if one wanted to spend the night with the hypothetical other and so on and so on and so on. The ruling had been made but the debate had grown tired and then, out from the lettuce patch, jumped Thumper and Axel and I suddenly had one minute to make up our minds, define the parameters that led to the solution, and here we stand. While Axel has not found himself a Thumper yet, he’s open to it and the same rules I have will apply with him. It’s simple as that really and, you know what, once the solution was hopping up and down in front of me bouncing his shiny metal genitals and anal plug in my face (mmmmmm), we have never had “the” conversation about how our openness would work again. It just does.

Another case in point was this week with me and Thumper. As you know, he and I were playing one of our games over the weekend that went really hard, really fast and I think I speak for him when I say that it was a fucking blast, though short lived which, in hindsight it needed to be. When it started to falter, on Monday night we chatted and came up with, what I think will be a brilliant solution that is simple, easy, and doesn’t take too much more effort than a text back and forth when he is going to be inserting certain objects. We were about to start that solution and then the rabbit flu hit him and he’s been in bed since (a vision I have to say I enjoy, even though he is ill). But, when his ears get perky again and his tail starts getting tingly a bit, I think we found our solution that we can keep without miring ourselves in the problem again and again and again like we have done in the past.

So, all that to say is I think I am going to start working backwards and just finding solutions without defining my challenges 1,016 different ways each and every time. I wonder how long I can last at this since I am a self confessed over thinker?

In other news, I am wrapping up one more day in the Big Potato (any Golden Girls fans recognize that??) and get to go home tomorrow for two days at home before heading out again next week. That said, my trip next week starts with a rabbit visit and, even if he is not feeling great, it’s going to be nice since it seems like it’s been months since we have seen each other but, in reality, it’s only been about six weeks (yes, if he is sick I still go because I can’t cancel these things so everyone cross your collective body parts). So, nothing but good things ahead.

Finally, yes, I know I have promised answers to some of the questions. My solution for you on that is patience. They are coming.

He said/he said

Drew’s perspective

In the overall game of life, Thumper and I are probably two of the luckiest bastards in the world because we each have amazing spouses who love us and have encouraged us to do what it is we do together. In addition, I believe that luck also played a role in us finding each other because what we have, though almost something unable to be defined, rests on a bedrock of friendship, respect and admiration from which we can, at times, springboard into several directions. Often these directions take many paths, but sometimes they are career and life advice, baseball and general geekiness, and, many other times, they are intensely kinky private moments of domination and submission where I test his submissive side while he tests my dominant side. This is a wildly fun game, but it’s dangerous in a few respects because we each have such a fear of disappointing the other and, without being in each other’s company when these occur, we run the risk of not being able to read the other accordingly as one needs to in situations like this.

As a case in point, right now we are in the middle of a game where he is collecting points based on some predetermined items we discussed last week. I am with him next Monday and Tuesday and, based on his point values, a few positive or intensely negative things would happen to him. It’s really a great game and we have fun with it because, well, it’s fun, but we also know that it is not something that it real life based enough that it can continue more than a week or so and next week he will revert back to my smart ass sidekick who gives me hell at times. Also, he and I take this too much to heart at times, though I think as the sub he really bears the brunt of this and it’s my job to watch it and keep him safe.  What I find funny in this is that when he and I get into these moments, we never listen to our advice about other aspects in life. For instance, this morning he had a tough morning with his offspring and his mind that really knocked him off the scoreboard for a bit. For me, I get it and am not bothered by it or worried about him slipping in the least, but I know he’s kicking himself left and right now and I don’t like that at all and if I were there in person I would make him look me in the eye while I told him that. What’s funny, is that if he and I were watching baseball and our team had two stellar innings, like his two days this weekend, that was followed by one really shitty inning, like his day today, I would be the first to complain and he would be the first to tell me that “it’s just an inning, Drew. We are still in the game and there are still PLENTY of opportunities for runs”. I can’t think of another way of expressing my point that we should listen to our muggle selves more and more when we get into these non muggle moments because we quickly become our own worst enemies. I realize that it’s different when you watch the game versus participate in it, but, the same principles apply and he and I need to be better at stepping away to gain perspective if and when we are not happy with our own personal performance (in these games and just during life in general).

I do this with Axel too. When our life gets in the way of our fantasy, I withdraw and get quietly weird. I know better than to do it, but the fact I didn’t reach the prize or I didn’t fulfill what he wanted can make me go dark, when in reality the absolute best thing in the world would be and usually is for me to simply talk with him, move on, and go to the next fantasy when at all possible. With Thumper, I turn into Axel because I see him doing the same thing and beating himself up and, well, this time we are not doing that and, frankly, this is going to help me be better with Axel too. We will modify our game today as I fly through the sky, so apologies to my seat mates in advance should I need to adjust myself a few times – I like thinking about Thumper compromised. I mean, wouldn’t you?

In other news, I am thinking about Thumper’s mind in advance a bit more because, as work schedules have it, Belle and I are going to be staying just about four blocks from each other this week during our respective business trips. While I doubt she’d even know what I looked like if we passed, it has to just be a funny thought for him 🙂

Finally, the game with continue this week so stay tuned for some Twitter pics scattered randomly through the week.

— — —

Thumper’s perspective

My kinks are not always easy to live with. It’d be better, I guess, if I got off on snuggling with teddy bears or crochet or something, but I don’t and sometimes the things I like can be (and are honestly best if) physically demanding. In a scene or for a short period, it’s rarely an issue, but when attempted as a “lifestyle” kind of thing, it can be.

Typically, the thing I’m struggling with is enforced chastity. Whenever the overhead hassle of having the penis locked into a steel device something like 25 days out of 30 gets to be too much, I have a mantra-type thing I repeat to myself. It’s not about ameliorating whatever I’m dealing with, but it can make my capacity to deal with it greater. It’s a way for me to recenter myself into the submissive headspace that it’s just not possible to be in 24/7/365.

So last night I was following Drew’s instructions and, in doing so, my usual levels of sexual frustration were amped totally out of control and I was left physically…raw. So much of both that I was unable to be as he wanted me to be over night. My brain and my body were on fire and I was freaking out about losing an entire night’s sleep (which is totally doable for me) and, even after doing my centering exercise repeatedly followed by a lot of back and forth and worry and freaking out, I decided to not follow his directions and take a Tylenol PM. That worked. I fell asleep and woke up in the morning feeling shitty (and groggy because Tylenol PM). And then a bunch of other stuff happened that made the morning even worse and I was jettisoned out of my headspace like a fighter pilot going down.

And, of course, I totally blame myself. Because I kept giving him the rope to lead me with and fell deeper and deeper into a subby state, all rather unexpectedly, only to then also climb right out all on my own and leave him behind with the rope and an empty collar. It’s the comeherecomeherecomehere, goawaygoawaygoaway dynamic that, if I were on the receiving end, would totally piss me off. Sure, there were reasons, etc., but I was disappointed in the outcome and myself. Ultimately, I feel like I repeatedly lead Drew on with regards to how heavily he can dominate me and then retreat as soon as it gets hard for me. That’s not the kind of person I want to be.

Back in the old days (like really old days) when I didn’t know there was a viable state between straight and gay, I would do this kind of thing to the guys I was trying to date (only without the awesome kinky overlay). Perhaps I’m hypersensitive to being that way now because Drew is a guy. Or perhaps I start to feel guilty for allowing myself to do what I clearly have pre-authorization from Belle to do. Or maybe it’s just that I can’t control the lure of a deep submissive headspace. Or maybe it’s a lot like my bisexuality and I can’t actually do a lifestyle kind of submission thing with another man. I don’t know. But I’m left feeling bad for being the problem.

Clearly, I’m still in the self-pity phase of this. I want very badly to be a good sub when I commit to being one and it frustrates me when it doesn’t go as planned. Luckily, Drew is patient and understanding.

A Chaste Change in the Werks

In my last post about my new pride and joy, the Steelwerks barbell now locked in my penis, I alluded to the fact that this little piece of titanium may have awakened something inside both Axel and myself that our previous forays into chastity had not. Thumper once told me that while he and Belle did the “chastity thing” pretty much all the time with great success, she started taking the control part much more seriously when his Steelheart arrived. He said it was that she so much preferred how it looked to the other devices (and even preferred it to how the penis looks when naked) that she got a lot more invested in her role and became more appreciative of the hardware which, in turn, led to her enforcing her control a lot more often.

When Axel saw the S lock of the curved barbell, I saw a look in his eyes that caused me to both gulp and swoon in a really weird moment that told me something had just clicked similar to what Thumper had once described.

So, nearly two weeks later, the barbell has not left me and I love it more and more each and every day. In fact, in this short amount of time it has just become such a part of me that I really have no desire to ever take it out because it is so well made, functional, comfortable, and shiny that it’s just “me”. This fact is really great and more than I ever expected when I got it, but it’s also defeating in some ways because the way Axel and I play the chastity game is that I like being reminded that I am locked into something for him and he likes knowing that I know that, so it’s almost pissing him off that this barbell is so damn good that I now just feel like it’s a natural extension of my penis, although one that slides up and down and rattles in ways that make me oh so happy to have a dick that can take it. Of course, I am always reminded that I did get the PA for Axel at his request, so don’t think his mark of possession is ever out of my mind, it’s just become a very hot and comfortable mark.

So, back to Axel’s eyes and the clicking look on his face…

A few days after this was in me he texted me that he had been looking at the Steelwerks page and that he wanted to talk more about the options now that I have figured out how to piss. He also knew that Christopher from Steelwerks and I had struck up a friendship, so something about all of that had made him comfortable enough to tell me that he really wanted me locked up more and more when I was able and asked me to start working on a design with Christopher that would contain enough titanium to allow me to go through airport security while also allowing me enough comfort and hygiene that it could stay on for long amounts of time, only coming off when he wanted it or when I was with Thumper (remember, that is in the Boyfriend Agreement, section 7, page 891). This was a huge move on his part because, well, one, Axel is cheap and, two, this frankly just showed a level of desire for control from him that I have not seen in the past. He told me to start looking at designs and start talking with Christopher about what will and won’t work, and, oh, “if you can, take Thumper with you, because, well, he will enjoy it and the experience around designing and watching this is something you two will be able to share in a way that you and I would never because I’d just be too worried about the price the whole time (cheap Axel, see). Maybe you should get him measured too, who knows what Belle may want”.

So, fast forward a few days and, well, THUMPER AND I ARE GOING TO CANADA! (I was trying for that Disneyworld effect there so humor me, or now for our Canadian friends, humour me). 

We are going in about six weeks at the end of August and have booked plenty of time for deciding what I need more than what I want, because I can already see my mind getting ahead of both my wallet and my practicality quickly with all the shiny, sparkly things that just have a sexual charge from even sitting on a shelf, much less being able to touch and visualize what it would feel like locked on. As for Thumper, I don’t know what he’s going to do aside from paying Chris to measure him for if and when he decides on something designed for he and Belle. I suspect he’s already planning his blog post about this in his mind and already planning exactly what he might design to be designed as well.

Now, as I have said and as most of you know, Steelwerks is the best I have run across for about 172 different reasons (one day I might actually list them) and, as you also know, this device, whichever we design, is not going to be cheap, but that’s okay too because of what it is. For me and Axel, this is going to be a custom made piece of jewelry that has implications far beyond just the “something to lock your dick in” arena. The custom-ness, the craftsmanship, and the tailoring for just us will mean that each dollar will be spent well and that it is likely we will never need another device. In addition, I will be able to travel in this one so that alone means a great deal and will symbolize so much since I spend most of my life alone in hotels and airplanes and will mean that I will feel Axel’s presence and control over me, even more so than with just the PA. As for the cost, I keep going back to the old wedding ring saying about three or six month’s salary and know that there have to be fools out there who have spent that on similar rings, etc. Although I guess that is all relative based on what one makes a month. Regardless, Axel and I currently sport wedding bands bought off of Amazon which, I believe, cost less than $100 combined, so we take that as this is our chance to design and, well, lock in and on our own special wedding ring of sorts; however, one might have to follow me on Twitter to see it. Oh, and for those worrying about the barbell I have in now, I suspect that is going to stay and we will design it as part of the new device, not as a replacement. It means too much to me at this point to abandon it.

Finally, in addition, since I am taking the supreme blogger and photographer with me, I am going to talk with Christopher about documenting the process in some way – from measurements to installation, because I will have the ability to be there both times and because, well, chastity, metal, and writing is sorta what turns us all on and god know I don’t min my penis being on the internet. Who knows, maybe one of them would need it for some reason one day.

More on this as it progresses.

“Boyfriend?????”

“Boyfriend?????”

“WTF, dude?”

Those are the two texts I received about an hour ago from a friend who lives in town and had somehow just discovered my Recon profile again since the overhaul way back when I met Thumper. I am in a conference where I am stuck in god awful group presentations most of the day today and tomorrow, so I could only respond in a limited fashion because it was my turn to pay attention next (I’m done for a long while now). So this was a fact that was going to be out there and I only had a few minutes to try to control it, if it needed to be controlled. I texted Axel to say he might be getting a text from, let’s call him Jeb, and that he needed to help put this to bed should it be something that was going to blow up, but that’s almost all I could do aside from just relax and take in all these goofy conference people around me without allowing the distraction. 

Now, obviously this friend has mutual interests and we have talked about these things before, but it’s been a long while and this text surprised me. What surprised me more was that my reaction was something along the lines of “yeah, so what?” which was a gut thing versus the consternation that this would have caused even a few months ago. At that point, I would have worried greatly about who he would tell because we run in the same circles of mutual friends, what he would think, and how it would reflect on Axel and Thumper, if at all. Now, as I sit here fake smiling at strangers, I have realized that I don’t really care if he tells the world because the people who it matters to already know and that I am secure in what I have going.

In fact, I think I am proud. Yes, I am proud of my little twisted foursome that contains Thumper and the spouses, but I am also proud of me for being proud (excuse me while I pat myself on the back) if that makes any sense. 

Going back, when I started blogging Thumper told me that there would come a time when I would be very cognizant of the veil that we have put up and that I would want to fight against it, as he often had. At that time. I thought he was crazy for wanting to “come out” from behind his rabbit persona every so often, but now I understand why completely. For me, having accepted AND acted on this side of myself has been a huge thing for my psyche and I want to share this at times, to let my muggle friends know that I have titanium in my pants, or to just share with them that I have a boyfriend who is, well, neato with a great wit, great personality, and that he has really special sparkling metal genitals.

But, I can’t and won’t, because this is not about me alone and, like many of the other things we as humans can disclose about ourselves, this has the potential to hurt others, especially Axel, Belle, and Thumper’s offspring, which is something I’d rather be on fire than do. Yes, it could hurt me and Thumper and our careers (likely mine more than his since those artsy people are pretty cool) but, at the end of the day, we both chose to put it out there veiled as it is and we are responsible for protecting the aforementioned ones, so we can’t worry about ourselves first. 

To further this point, someone once asked me if I felt I was living a lie by being so clandestine in my writings and went so far as to tell me that it is was almost my responsibility as a kinky person to let the world know what the real ones look like. He actually then compared it to not coming out as gay and that I was doing the same disservice to myself as when I was in the closet 117 years ago. To that, my response was rather swift and abrupt in saying “no, I don’t owe that to the world”. 

However,upon reflection, maybe I do in some small way. Of course, I think I type enough about real life here that even the muggliest of muggles would be able to see me as the corporate man by day and the switchy kinkster by night. But, in thinking more about this, I do not feel I am living a lie in any form. Before I was out as gay, I HAD the potential to live a lie by carrying on about my fake lady part conquests, or even dating and marrying a woman, but, I felt better of myself and knew that I could and would not ever make that choice, so I didn’t live a lie, I came out. In contrast, with this side of me, I don’t feel I am living a lie either because this is not anything I feel people in my day to day world must know about me. That said, I think this whole exchange may be about me realizing that I wouldn’t care if they did, though, if it were just me that it concerned.

Finally, I just have to trust that Jeb will do the right thing with the information he now has and that it will stay within the right group of people. After all, I have the skinny on him too so I am not worried, but the longer this goes on, people are going to find out occasionally and I’m good with that. However, to he dawning realization tough at I am fine with it was just an odd random thing I hadn’t expected. 

Go figure.

 

My Titanium Tipped Penis – a Steelwerks Review

Dear Readers:

Axel and I would like to announce the arrival of our new hand crafted titanium hollow locking curved barbell from Steelwerks Extreme in Canada.

Weighing next to nothing, this shiny new baby arrived swaddled in bubble wrap and tape which concealed its one and one quarter inch length shaft that had been crafted in a slightly larger than 4 gauge width with a thicker, heavier collar on the end to provide strength and durability.

This piece will be (almost) permanently locked in my penis as a sign of our relationship dynamic and his control over my most personal of parts as we soon begin our 18th year together.

Most Sincerely,

Axel and Drew


And now for the review, pictures, and a bit of background as to why we needed this piece (NSFW pics follow this post)

First, as you know, it’s been a frustrating year for me and Axel as we have never been able to get our chastity lifestyle off the ground due mostly to the fact that I am never on the ground as I live out of airports, airplanes, and weird hotels over 200 nights a year.

The Prince Albert I received with Thumper nine months ago was a terrific start and was the first marking of this change in our dynamic, but, as much as I loved it, it had never felt perfect as I have had issues issues with rogue urination and some of the jewelry has irritated my skin since receiving it. Now, those were very minor things and, as you have also heard me say, I have never once regretted getting it as those benefits FAR out weigh those negatives many times over. In addition to the Prince Albert, we ordered a chastity device made to measure from Germany that is a great device, but it’s solid steel and that does not bode well with the TSA and my need to stay as far off of any non-trusted traveler list as possible, so it has rarely been on for more than 36 hours simply because it could not be.

So, a few months back, he and I started talking about the options and I remembered seeing a tweet from Steelwerks Extreme in Canada showing a one-of-a-kind, hollow metal barbell that was designed to slip into the Prince Albert piercing to provide a mechanism for channeling urine directly through a pipe and out in a single flow pattern. I remembered thinking this was brilliant idea, but never gave it a lot of thought until we started talking more. While this is not on their website, we went and looked at the ABSOLUTELY STUNNING array of chastity devices offered and read about their patented S locking screw and Axel asked if there was a way that this could be made to be locked into me so I would know that this was not coming out until he said so.

I thought it couldn’t hurt to ask, so I set up a call with Christopher, the owner of Steelwerks and, well, I instantly fell in love with him because his passion for even a tiny piece of work compared to what he regularly does beamed through the phone. We immediately began talking about my penis, as I do with most new vendors, and the needs that Axel and I had for the jewelry that would both represent his control and allow me to no longer worry about pissing on the man at the next urinal by chance or dripping down my leg wetting down my suit, something that is still frowned upon in most of the corporate environments I hang out in. He took my information, created an idea that was slightly different than what Axel and I thought, and got back to me within a hour with a design and delivery date above my expectations, and a price point which actually was below my expectation (fyi, I will not reveal this due to the extreme customization he offers on ANY piece, so prices have to vary for even the smallest items. That said, in the scheme of things, it was not un reasonable at all).

He sent an invoice. I sent a credit card. I went to Australia. And he got to work (most likely while listening to some really great alternative music -I am just imagining for some odd reason). While I was in Sydney, my phone rang about 3am and I, seeing it was him, tried to answer but couldn’t for some reason, so we played expensive phone tag for a few minutes before talking because he wanted to tell me that he had made it, but wasn’t thrilled with one aspect and wanted to get my thoughts on beefing up the front with a collar of sorts to make sure it protected my urethra and provided a hole large enough to accommodate my diet coke addiction and need to pee all the time. In addition, he wanted to extend the length just slightly to work with any cage I might have or obtain later from any vendor. There were no extra costs for these changes or were they anything I likely would have even noticed, but he cared enough about this little thing that is now inside me that told me that this guy looks out for any and all customers in a way few do, so it was appreciated.

A few hours later he sent me pictures, a tracking number, and it was on it’s way to greet me upon my arrival home – which was fortuitous since I was leaving again only a few hours later. It was love at first sight when I unwrapped it because I could just see and feel a level of quality that reminded me of what Tiffany’s might sell if they ever expand their line into alternative penile parts (note to Chris, start shipping in colored boxes).

To describe it is quite simple, it’s a titanium curved barbell that inserts through the God given opening of the penis head into the urethra and then out the hole where the Prince Albert was created. When it’s come through the hole, there is a titanium “collar” that is then added (it takes some dexterity if alone) which is secured in place by a Steelwerk’s proprietary “S screw” which, don’t be shocked, has a “S” carved into the top of the screw versus a standard one you’d find at Home Depot or Lowes. Of course that is by design and, having gotten to know Christopher a bit in the days since this was delivered, I think you’d pretty much have to have a notarized letter from your key holder along with a vial of blood taken directly from your penis in order for him to simply sell you an extra key should one be lost (it ships with two). This is one of the reasons his full chastity devices are so wonderfully secure.

Now, at the bend of the barbell there is an opening that allows urine to flow into the metal versus around it like in a standard insert which is then expelled from the body through reinforced opening “collar” that has a hole in it much like a spigot on a garden hose sprayer. For me, this is absolutely 157 percent sexy to watch each and every time I have to piss. Since the barbell is a fixed length and, based on life, the penis is not, it is sometimes far out from my dick and sometimes flush against the slit. This is like a game each and every time I have to pee just to see what it will be. Speaking of pissing, it’s so nice. I have learned that if I do not touch it when starting, it’s sealed itself into place and I can piss with nary a drop going anywhere other than in a straight line and there is absolutely no post pee drippage and zero leaking from the underside of the shaft as there always was with whatever was in there prior. If I do move it and unseat it a bit, I get a bit of random urine flowing around it and one or two drops from the underside, but nothing like before. It’s really, really nice and after being able to stand in an airplane lavatory the other day, I believe I texted Christopher with something like “if you were into men I would fly there and kiss you right now” because I was so happy to have such a great piece (I would have said “weren’t married to a woman and all”, but, well, you all know me and my record there).

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As for comfort, it’s incredible and the titanium is a feeling unlike the steel in a way that I can’t honestly describe. It’s a “part of me” that the steel never was, if that makes any sense at all. Now, some of that may be I know there is no way I can get pliers or a screwdriver or anything else to remove it so maybe that is a mindset thing with me, but, it doesn’t matter really because it is what it is and it’s something I enjoy. Also, there is a bit of a rattle where the locking screw meets the collar and I find that to be one of the sexiest sounds when naked.

As for Axel, he loves it. He loves the control it’s allowing him even if it doesn’t follow the traditional chastity lines of not allowing erections or ejaculation. That said, it will still have to come out when the top man in me comes out because I suspect even Thumper, the pain whore, will not find it comfortable when inserted “down there” but from an oral point of view, Axel is quite happy. In fact, he says it “tastes great”, which will be another topic for another blog post one day soon.

A closing note about Steelwerks itself. When I was getting into this chastity game, I was always a bit scared of their website, products and supreme reputation because, well, they are so fucking awesome. Being a car guy, the only way I can describe it is to say that it’s like just graduating college and getting a good finance rate and going to shop for a BMW M3 versus a Honda Accord and, in many ways, that is an accurate description because their stuff is so good, so measured, and a bit more expensive that you almost need to have driven the Accord awhile before even considering the power and comfort the M3 affords you to know how nice what you are getting is. Still following me here? Should you choose to give Christopher a call, expect a bit of time getting to him because he is so busy, but when you do, the level of customer service is second to none and his attention to detail and making it absolutely perfect is something that is hard to find anywhere else.

Finally, this one experience has led Axel and I to reevaluate our plans a bit more and I believe I will soon be going to Canada to be measured for my own M3 soon, but more on that in the next post.

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Fighting with Thumper

Thumper and I were fighting. It was one of those huge arguments where we could hardly look at each other and even the simplest of words seemed to make things worse. During this fight, he was following his rule to be naked with me and had one of those giant steel locking plugs inside of him and this made it worse because he wanted nothing more than to be clothed and unplugged, but he knew better and this was killing him because he was getting angrier at me and at himself for having fallen deeper and deeper into submission despite being so mad. I, in turn, acted like a sadist and started pointing at his metal genitals and calling him “dickless”,”dicklet”, and various other terms which actually stopped the fight and started other “things” because when I did that the metal started moving and I could tell he had enjoyed it. However, this did not lead to much sex because, oh yeah, Axel and Belle were watching from a distance quietly drinking coffee and snickering as if they compared spousal notes saying “Oh yeah, he does that with me too, now watch and see how the other one will do this…see“.

It wasn’t a loud fight. It wasn’t a long fight. It was just a fight that we both instantly regretted but didn’t know how to stop. It was a bizarre, sexual filled time that I still wonder what had caused it. Oh, yeah, it was a dream.

A big dream that was like live, colorful theater playing out almost in real time the other day while I flew home from Australia to the US. I have no idea what caused it or why in the fuck I would even dream that we fought because, one, I am not a fighter and I don’t suspect he is either, two, we are not together long enough to fight, and, three, if he was naked and I was pointing, I doubt we’d take the time to fight because that usually means other things are about to happen.

Like I said, the fight was not lengthy and the best part is that it soon jumped to us sitting in the floor just laughing and having the best time ever while he begged me to unlock his ass. Which, since I was having a good time, I refused to do. I woke up with this dream as hard as I am when I am hurting him, so that tells you I enjoyed the whole thing.

Looking back, Belle and Axel being there was a tad unusual, but, Axel and I were returning from a vacation that was full of Facebook couple selfies and Thumper and Belle were starting their vacation which is full of Facebook couple selfies, so I think that had put it top of mind. In fact, as we were on the plane, Axel favorited one of their pics and then asked me afterwards if that had been okay because he didn’t want to “meddle”. I had to laugh about that but then realized I had not favorited any either, so I did (they were great pics – he’s handsome, she’s beautiful, and the scenery is amazing) so maybe that was it. Who knows?

Now, as I write this it’s been about four days since that dream and I am still puzzled as to why it happened and, more importantly, what the fuck he may have done to cause it? I say he because, since, it was my dream and I know he had to have been the one at least 110 percent at fault, right? But, it’s bothered me all week in that “on your mind and really not bothering you yet bothering you” way and it just makes me laugh.

On the other side of it, Axel and Belle got along swimmingly well 🙂

So, who the fuck knows and I write this simply to document this as it was as fun and hot as it is puzzling.

In other news, our trip was amazing and there are more posts coming about that soon, but it was a great time for Axel and I to reconnect and just be a couple for nine solid days. I hope that is what Thumper and Belle are doing too and, aside from just one three line text between us this morning on Facebook, I have made a point to not be in the picture this week so they can have some time without any outside interference caused by me. That said, I cannot wait to talk with him Monday or Tuesday because a lot has happened this week professionally, personally, and with the metal in my penis (that is the subject of the next post) and more metal that will soon be on my penis.

So, that’s that. If I ever figure out why we fought, I will let you know.