Dear Axel:

Yes, I know I am writing to you “in public” and, yes, I know you won’t like that one bit. But, tonight I sit 8,234 miles away from you on the other side of the world and I am not ashamed to admit to anyone who reads this that I am missing you terribly this trip, like most trips.

However, tonight is a little different as this morning I finally wore the collar and lock you had Chris design especially for us at Steelwerks that I have been so resistant to wear for some reason. And, tonight, as I sit here clutching it like my my mother often did her pearls, though for entirely different reasons, I am overcome with this crazy need to just say thank you and, from both my Dom and sub side, admit that you own me heart, soul, and any appendage you might want. As you know, the switch in me has been reluctant to say that for some reason as despite as much research as I have done, I just always thought I would be admitting a weakness if I allowed you to be the Dom you now want to be with me. However, in reflecting on life I realized that I could not be more wrong.

More importantly and though you know this, I need to say it for those following along at home, when I was 27, a year before we met, I saw a career counselor who had me lay out every dream I had professionally and helped me define what I wanted to be when I grew up. That design was destined for a single man and, we laughed in 1999 when I laid it out out with you saying something like “I’ll need a new husband if you are gone that much“, BUT, somehow, through a bit of hard work and a whole lot of luck, almost every single thing on that list has fallen into place and, over the last twenty years, you have been instrumental in every single step of me living my dream that meant, and continues to mean, that we spend more than half our nights alone. I know every week I leave you with the leftovers of life I have tried to pack unsuccessfully into the 72 hours at home (and I especially still feel bad about the time I thought I could remodel the master bath three days before heading to China) and while you grimace, it’s always okay. Like all of it, you just roll with it, though now I think I have given you permission to ready the paddle upon my return. However, it’s hard, and it’s tough, but it’s amazing too and I feel I absolutely need to say thank you for living the dream I know that you never had. This would not work without you in any single way and that is THE key when I am asked how things happened the way they did.

That said, even ten years ago, you were more vanilla than soft serve and, once again, you changed everything for my dream. It started with chastity, then the submissive boyfriend rabbit, now some discipline and a collar and, fuck, once again, there you are right there in the middle of my dream being all supportive again. However, the awakening in you makes me smile every time you say certain things or get all dominant over other things. It makes me proud and makes me want to make sure things on and in me that lock, by your doing, are tightened to the maximum allowed. This dream is just starting and while I once again say thank you for living one you never had, this one included that invitation to follow me, or, in the new standard, me follow you and I could not be more happy to wear this lock when I do and live this dream together wherever we actually are.

So, to the public reading this, thanks for coming along on this ride. The blog is in many ways my diary and this is a letter I want to look back on, so it felt right to add it here.

Ax, as we start 21 years next week, I am proud to be yours forever and always no matter where in the world I am.

Love, me

Greetings from day one of “Drew’s vacation” or as my boss like’s to say, “Drew’s god damn time he’s using some of his PTO days this fiscal year.” Ax and I are home together a few days then we are going to an island in the Hawaiian islands to just get away from the work and the family life of late. I hope there I will be able to do just that as the world has really hard on each of us family wise the dreadful year and we just have to recapture some simple balance again.`So, I may or may not write, but, either way, all is good.

With that, I have some questions that people had asked me recently though a variety of methods, so let me know had them for a bit.

Question 1:

From recon: “Drew, you and your husband’s profiles are so hot. But his says he intends to enslave you, bit that’s not possible since you are a Dom, right?”

My response :

Well, “enslave” is a fantasy word for him (and a but for me) but I did not stop him using it as he and I have had over 20 years of him knowing I am kinky and have spent the last five to six years getting him to adjust as he decide he wanted to control me, but a very slow process and I will not do anything to cause him to think twice.

However, yes, absolutely subs and even slaves can have a Dom side and even own and train subs themselves, For me, I have found that when I am dominant it fuels my sub side in such a way that I can fuck, demean, and destroy a sub sexually because I am also enjoying the thought that I get to go home and have the tables turned by someone who loves every inch of me and who I would do anything to please.

Question 2:

Same person, different question: “How can a sub/switch be locked?”

My response;

With a key to start and a PA when you really want to be serous,

Being locked, for me, fuels every kink cell in my body and either partner, dom or sub, will be able to enjoy that with me. As an FYI, though, Axel always allows me free reign to my dick when with a sub.

Question 3:

Twitter DM: So what’s the deal with you and Thumper? Are you back again, not back again, what? Still friends?

My response: 

Well, there are multiple blogs about this now and the reality is nothing drastic changed except we realized we didn’t need to pretend to be friends and equals. He enjoys giving me his power and I very much enjoy taking it. And, yes, we are still friends, maybe even better ones, because we stopped pretending.

Question 4:

Also from a Twitter DM: So, I see you and another character are fucking with Thumper again, I was so sorry to hear that because I thought you had seen the errors of your sins and had stopped seducing the married (real marriage, not queer wedding) father so he could be true to his wife. I hope you feel bad that you will be sending him to hell.

My response:

If hell exists I will likely see Thumper there, but highly suspect it will from something he taught me.

(and why do you read if so offended?)

Final Question 5:

Robin, from the Blog: Drew, you used to write about your Mom so much and I so loved how she reacted to things and the relationship you two have, Why don’t you do that now?

My response:

If you follow, you know that around the time the blog started, and even during some of the responses, we knew something with Mom was off. As you also would know, she was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s about 3 years ago and now, unfortunately, it’s progressed to the point where she doesn’t talk much and has 18 hour a day care at home. Last week we had “the talk” about text steps and it was one of the worst things I ever had to do, but that was made better by the fact that she didn’t even remember me being there 2 hours later and 4 hours later resumed calling me by her dead brother’s name. It’s sad. It’s not fair. But, if you have gleaned anything from us, we are taking it with laughter and are just doing the best we can; although it’s not big topic anymore.

 

Wow, It’s been my longest break from the blog since I can remember and, while I hate it, it really had to be as I pretty much just temporarily lost my passion for writing. This happened because I started thinking about writing this as an obligation versus a privilege and, thus, this became just something else like an expense report to me.

Since the last time I wrote I have gone through customs and immigration in various places around the world 23 times, spent a day with a Sir who was going to teach me and Axel before he flaked out, been locked a lot of days but because I don’t count so I don’t really know, and just yesterday had my new cage and all its parts sent back through the airport scanner, without the pouch, riding gleamingly proud-like in the gray tray for all the passengers of 6 airlines and the world to see. I really THOUGHT I should be mortified at that, tried to work up some indignation in my head, but was really just like “meh” about it, gathered all the parts and went about the rest of my trip. So, not too much different, eh? This is part of a new acceptance about this stuff that has hit me, but is not yet part of a series of posts yet either.

However, what has changed and what was addressed in his blog and on his new one, is that Thumper and I finally addressed the rabbit in the room between us and we have now started a re-engagement of him liking the way I hurt him and me wanting to hurt him more. The original decline in all of this was on me at first and then him, because I wanted to mix our friendship with the Dom/sub aspects of our interests  and thought it would be easy to do, but with his wiring it was not. He wasn’t a very good friend to me in the day to day, but to his credit, he did try and instead of getting resentful, I just backed away and found others, though none with such an incredible ass or pain tolerance. So,  a few weeks ago he reached out via text and said something that caused me to respond in a way most of the world would fine repulsive, but he found dreamy.  I am not sure what the exact words were, but it was something like you know, a term of affection all the kids are using these days. I thought he was about to be mad, but he responded with the sub voice I know with “you are right Sir” and at that moment there was clinking in both cages as our rings dicks rose to the occasion inside the steel and titanium pods.

I was sitting in an airport in Tasmania and he was sitting in one in Minneapolis and we clicked again. With just those words. We clicked within our roles and, within minutes, just decided that those roles are not changing now because that is who we are with each other and the chemistry that makes him put giant things in his ass when I say so is the same chemistry that makes me want to see his nipples so painfully engorged that they might burst into blood because of all the work I did to them. It just it works.

So, we vowed to start again, in a sense, but with no games, no contests, no special rules aside from what we choose to have in place that, for each of us, marks that we are getting what we need from this. He is the submissive in our friendship and I am the Dominant in it. Simple as that.

Now, some will ask about the switch thing and the chastity for me, and that’s easy too because, yes, my husband keeps me locked, but Thumper, who will never likely even see me in the cage as my rules allow me to unlock when with his, is a winner because it does nothing bit fuel my rather nascent sex drive and he will just have to deal with that because the more I am gassed up, the more he gets fucked literally and physically. A locked Dom does nothing but add value in my mind!

Finally, for those of you keeping score, all of this happened the day before he went to see Frodo, who I am glad he saw as he gives him a different level of bisexual than I can – though from the sound of it, F seems to be catching a few kinky vibes. Thumper told me his ultimate fantasy was to be severely used by both of us at the same time which I love in my sadistic way as that just makes Thumper moan a bit inside even just thinking about  that, but the likelihood has an extremely low probability, but it’s still a great deal of fun making him think about it (or me and various Dodgers doing him).

Right Thump?

 

Someone messaged me yesterday and mentioned that he was sure I had not written in a LONG time because I was “likely just busy with Axel hanging naked, creating new Dominant and submissive games and, of course, having sex like S&M porn stars”.

Of course.

While this dude may have been being passive aggressive or just dense, I had to read that three or four times to not chuckle because I was feeling really sorry for the porn stars we were being compared to because, if that really were the case, the only ones we could really compare to would have had to have be the ones who hated their jobs, had body issues and Dad bods, and only got the work because their creepy uncle owned the studio. It just made me laugh because I realized that people are going to create a vision for anyone who blogs (or does anything else on a private yet public scale) that’s going to suit what they want to see in their mind. In my case, this is especially true because I have rarely written about private details of mine and Ax’s sex life like many other bloggers do with theirs but I just don’t. It doesn’t mean my sex or bad or good, it just means I don’t.

Though, maybe I should. Right now it would can be described as non existent, but there are reasons and the cage has been on steadily as well.

Yesterday’s note also made me laugh because at the exact moment it came through we were both sitting outside on the covered porch (technically a veranda but that sounds too Foghorn Leghorn for me) having a snack and doing some work.  As I read it Ax was sitting on a pillow with a horrible look on his face because four days ago he had a surgery to revise some of the scar tissue and remove some of the pressure on his spine that was the caused by his post accident surgeries a few years behind and he currently has a gaping wound across his lower back that is driving him nuts.  Across from him  I was sitting with a bloody washcloth to my face because five days ago I had sinus surgery where they went in to open more drains for me while also scraping my sinuses,  rebuilding my septum, and taking out “excess” tissue in my nose all so I can breathe better and not rattle a whole plane with snoring. I can’t tell you it hurts at all, but if you have never had this done, it’s like volunteering to be given a massive sinus infection (because everything swells post surgery) where you are not allowed to blow your nose or sniff. Also, I got the bonus prize of these, I would say massive, plastic stents in each nostril that are holding everything open for another three days; hence the bloody towel for the bloody drips because they just don’t stop.

All this said, I hate to have now ruined that guy’s image of us, but is is better to point out the realities of being two middle aged gay men or live in a fantasy? I am actually asking this question because I don’t know but I do know that when you step back and look at some of the things I do believe one can mix sex play with aging and we do it naturally (you know, on the days when the rain is not coming in making bones creak). Ax and I have talked about maybe we are subconsciously making ourselves old as well through just weird little measures we both find ourselves doing. One example of that is one afternoon we had great sex and I was tied all kinds of ways for him, we never considered our age at all –  but when it was all over and time to go to to dinner, we had to argue about which car to take because mine is a M and the ride is too rough and his is too low to the ground. We are one step from a mini-van on days like that but that’s the reality of this game show, right?

 

The new cage, as some may have seen from the flood of pics on Twitter, is absolutely amazing and is one of the finest pieces I have ever seen come from Steelwerks. While I call mine the “Axel 2.0” – like how one names their car – the official name is the Tiffany 2.0 and it’s part of an evolution of the original line of cages from Steelwerks, such as with my Crucible 2.0. In my introductory post about it, I mentioned that I didn’t call it Tiffany because I didn’t want to look at my dick and think of a woman because my brain is just not wired that way and, for me, something in metal in my pants takes on a masculine vibe that kinda gets me off, well, you know, if that was an option now. Also, a past bad relationship with a particular Tiffany in 11th grade really left me sour, but that’s his Steelwerks’ name so I will use the “Axel” in my head and in quotes, using the proper Tiffany 2.0 in descriptions to keep our google friends pointed the same direction as I realize marketing can get confusing otherwise.

Now, the good stuff, as a previous owner of the original Tiffany, which they still make, I loved that cage and still miss it. The difference from the 2.0 and the 1.0 is the tube is now all titanium and there is not a detachable head, so it’s one solid piece that slides on like that glass slipper Cinderella raved about. Mine has five openings at the end with four vents and a PA slot. For me, cleaning is effortless with just enough give to get a small finger or swab in for that once a day scrubbing with whatever foamy agent you choose.

Fit wise, I upgraded to a one piece ring versus the typical hinged because I am pretty sensitive “down there” and less breaks in the ring equals a smoother experience all around. The cage is attached by two longer screws on the top that go through a removable gap piece that is sized perfect for me, but would allow some flexibility for others who need more or less space (ie: a likely quicker and less expensive adjustment if needed). Those two screws hold the cage in place and, since I am pierced, the hollow wand pa goes in from the front and out the slot of the bottom where it locks in tight without any pull, when “erect” or flaccid. And, speaking of the screws, the absolute best part about these two is that if you drop them you can see them without laying on the floor with the iPhone flashlight, something that gets some really weird looks in the airport restroom when you are trying to follow orders to re-lock past security. And, speaking of that, this SHOULD go through without any issue at all, but I will admit to being too much of a pussy to do that regularly because flying in my life and I live in fear of anything that gets me on a list could delay me.

Weight wise, this thing is weightless. Really. I honestly haven’t had it off long enough to weigh it but, damn, it’s nice. For me, the fit is a bit shorter, curved a but more sharply, and a bit thinner, which means that I can and did wear it under even the tightest suits while standing in front of a group speaking. It’s ironic that something so literally encapsulating can be so freeing at the same time.

Finally, a review on a bespoke item is something that doesn’t help the masses, but as the owner of multiple cages through the years, the evolution of these devices (meaning the whole 2.0 line), whether it be by new materials, better tools, increased creativity or just the evolution of experience and design is flat out fantastic. If you have an original or a curiosity for a new cage, you only have one dick so why not treat it nicely through all that denial?

 

 

 

 

Good evening from a very empty Flagship Lounge in a fairly empty Chicago airport tonight. My work crept into the weekend this week and I won’t be getting home until about midnight thus limiting my weekend to a single day. I am not complaining as it’s just how it rolls at time.

However, when I do get home there is a box on my desk which contains a lot of my future in a beautifully sleek titanium shell. Yes, a new cage, this one is dubbed the Axel 2.0. Technically, Steelwerks calls this the Tiffany 2.0, but I am not a fan of the idea of something named after a lady encompassing my dick (also I have had two bad experiences with women named Tiffany), so I have appropriately retitled it just for me.

Anyway, why the new cage? Well, I have missed the original Axel since I sold it to be able to buy the Crucible as I have found I really like the contained feeling that a cage with a solid ring provides. Don’t get me wrong, the Crucible is AMAZING and will still often reside in my pants, but Axel, the husband, doesn’t really love seeing me hard in it, so we wanted to go back to all contained. What makes this one the most special to me is that, unlike ANY of my other devices, Axel commissioned this, had say so in the design, and really watched and waited for it to come. While I know that sounds silly, just knowing that makes me want it more and makes me want to wear it as long as required.

This one is all titanium and could, technically, go through airport security just fine, but my livelihood depends on a smooth and list free airport experience and I am not willing to ever risk this as Ax can trust me to take it on and off when needed and securing the keys when it is locked on. So, until I give him a reason to not have the trust, I will continue the on and off game.

I will leave this one here, but tomorrow expect to have a few, well, a few thousand, shots of the new cage on twitter.

 

In this whole “Drew explores kink” journey thing I expected to find many different things as I explored my Dom, sub and switch sides. Of course, as the way one’s mind tends to trail, I thought the known was already explored and that, in this journey, I would only find things that were all new, all illuminating, and all delightfully twisted. In many ways I have found all of those things including my sub-letting of Thumper, my new fascination with having my encased penis all over the internet, and multiple new friendships that have already changed the legacy that I will one day leave.

Recently, on some random day doing some random thing, I found the one thing I never expected to find:

My husband.

In the 20 years that I have known Axel, I know with 100 percent certainty that I have loved him every single day of those 7,300 days next to him. I also know that, while I have always been sexually attracted to him, I haven’t been great in showing that to him as I have always put sex on the the third, fourth, or even seventh shelf below whatever was most important at that current time be it work, family, friends, or even boyfriends on the side who have rabbit like names. As we know, it’s all a wicked balancing act and, with a weird professional life that sends me odd places all over the world (by the way, hello from Tasmania) every single week, I, well we, allowed it get out of balance from time to time.

However, something has changed and, while I suspect half of you are thinking my next sentence will start with divorce, it’s honestly the absolute farthest thing from the reality as, I have, honestly, just re-fallen in love with my husband in a way that mixes the 13 year old girl obsession with an unexplored submissive side that has resulted in me calling him Sir more than a few times recently. These things, also combined with a new level of respect for him as a human being, have also led to this creepy smile on my face that just simply won’t go away right now. Apparently, whatever it is is contagious, because he seems to have done the exact same thing with me. Seriously.

Of course, through the years, we have had waves of new re-connective-ness, but none of them felt like this and none of them lasted. Now, he and I are almost giddy again, which is something two men pushing 50 should never be seen in public doing. When I left for this three week trip down under where I am now, I felt like I had been hit in the gut by a bowling ball because I was being crushed by a feeling of sadness that I don’t think I have had when apart from him for years. This was a good thing and I am proud that I could still even have that level of deep emotions and he and I have kept that up in our daily calls and facetimes.

On the kink side, I realized that I have been trying to make him be my version of the dream dominant I wanted and, God love him, he tried so hard to change himself to be that too, but we couldn’t force that. But, in this new wave of “us” there is no “changing” for either of us as we each just are who we are and that day a few weeks ago when we just looked at each other and his natural dominance was just shining from behind his eyes. I ate it up.

From that moment on, he had me again, however he wants me, because I want to see that glimmer in his eyes every single day of my life. That glimmer creates a desire in me that, after 20 years, is fucking fun.