I am an over thinker.

Axel is an over thinker.

Thumper is an over thinker.

Belle is an over thinker.

Almost everyone I have ever named in this blog is an over thinker. I think in many ways, the shear fact that you are reading this means that you are also an over thinker. We over share. We over communicate. We over worry. We over process.

The question, however, is does over thinking make us better or worse at an open relationship?

I am not sure if it’s right or wrong that we are this way because, in many ways, I think that is a sign of intelligence; however, this week I over thought every single thing D/s related and, in reality, that over thinking nearly ended something fun before it started and created a very lonely homecoming Friday afternoon when I got back because I had created these amazing expectations that reality could not support – i.e.: Axel wasn’t even home. It wasn’t a bad homecoming and Ax and I had some great sex, but my mind was in the cloud of what I wasn’t doing now, what I likely wouldn’t be doing later, and how could I fix everything to have my cake and eat it as well. Argh.

Though, as I start a new week today (being Sunday morning) I am vowing to just go with the flow of things as much as possible and enjoy it. Work wise, I have a busy travel week ahead but a pretty easy work week when I get to my places (including NYC – my favorite) because they generally are consisting of one, maybe two meetings that I have arranged with lots of downtime around them (though I could work). Plus, the middle of the week I am in the Land of Thumper, though he and I are calendar challenged again (the curse of the non-primary – both ways – ha). That will work out, though, never fear.

Finally, I ask all of this about the thinkers and the openness because a few days ago I found out that two of my married friends were separated because one of “cheated”. Now, I know both of these people well enough to know that throughout that marriage both of them had men on the side and I always just assumed that it was open, but it officially wasn’t because they didn’t communicate to each other. Then, one day, one got spotted with a new fella and, boom, divorce. It’s so stupid really because that could have been avoided, which, to bring this full circle, through over thinking. Right?

So, I think there is an advantage, just curious as to your opinions about the mix.

 

 

I have received a bit of mail recently that I have been remiss in answering directly, so I thought I would take this time to pick out a few questions from the mails to delight us all, especially in light of Thumper’s recent post that addressed comments and the different ways many of us react to them.

Oh, also, most ALL of this has been asked or discussed before, but it never hurts to answer again.

Jeanne asks:

Pardon my personal question, but it appears you “like” Thumper more than he “likes” you. Is this true?

DD:

It does, Jeanne? really? well, fuck, thanks for now making me phobic.

Hmmmm. I think we “like” each other at a similar level. It’s been more than a few weeks since you sent this so I have thought about it a lot and, frankly, resisted asking Thumper or Axel about this because I didn’t want to be skewed, but I have thought about why you might ask this and I think it may come down to the amount of time I spend mentioning him versus him mentioning me, or the fact I tend to compliment a lot versus the rabbit who is a lot more stoic. So, assuming that is why you asked this, you have to remember a few factors such as how this blog came to be, etc.

One, this blog is about me and Thumper as the stars with Axel as the supporting cast member. Denying Thumper is about Thumper, Belle, chastity, and their female led relationship as the primaries and I occasionally pop in as the guest star when the timing is right and when his production budget can afford me. Second, for me, complimenting another man or talking about him in a descriptive sexual way is second nature to me, a gay man, but you have to remember that he lives in a different world than I do and he does not have sweet, romantic type inclinations for men because those parts of his brain are wired for lady parts and their female owners. Frankly, while I do appreciate the occasional compliment or sex text from him, I think it would be creepy if he turned romantic because that’s just not what we are here to do.

FYI, I have never once felt slighted, but now I will pay more attention.

Joc4U asks:

How do your spouses feel about the boyfriend term? Have the four of you met yet? Do you think Thumper and Axel will have sex?

DD:

This question really amused me so thanks.

My husband freely used the term to describe Thumper before I did, so I think that meant he is okay with it. I did once ask him and he thinks it’s a great term because we are more than friends, we have more attached points than two guys who just fuck, and we do have feelings of great warmth and genuine caring for each other, but we are not and never will be in a traditional love based relationship. And, “boyfriend” is simply better than calling him “my friend who I see and touch naked who I also lunch with while talking about baseball” each and every time. Call me crazy but it’s just easier.

As for the four of us meeting, no, that has not happened and I am not sure when or if it will. For the record, I adore Belle from everything I know about her, appreciate her loaning me her husband, and would love to give her a huge hug of gratitude in time. I think it will happen one day, but it’s most likely a long way off and not anything I have anything to do with, so I don’t worry about it. She apparently likes me enough to trust me with her prized possession (I would say bull, but, well), so that’s all I need and I have yet to return him too damaged. Yet.

Now, on the Axel side, he and Thumper are already in each others’ worlds via social media and some crossover work things and I am positive they will meet sooner rather than later because it’s just different for us. We have the luxury in our house, friendships, and such to be able to discuss my boyfriend freely if we choose to, so it makes things much easier.

Will they have sex? (and FYI, this is the part that amused me most) Really? Assuming you are a gay man from your name, do you have sex with every man you meet? I may not want to know that answer, but, no, I do not expect them to ever have sex. Nor is it anything I ever think about. That said, I can see Thumper sleeping right between us in bed one night and getting sandwiched in a cuddle – and I really say that just to fuck with the minds of people more than anything as I truly doubt that would ever happen and the scenarios in which it would, such as being at the North Pole on a science expedition and the power goes out, are even less likely to ever play out.

Sam asks:

Why doesn’t Axel read your blog and why does it sometimes appear that he reads Thumper’s?

Good question. Axel sees this blog as a way of me being able to freely express my kinky feelings, my time with Thumper, and anything else I have on my mind and thinks that if he were a known reader that I would not be as open as I am. Also, while we are open and while he thinks Thumper is the bees knees, he doesn’t want to read about the details of how we feel or any sexual activity we have because it’s a tad too in his face that way. That said, he knows the blog address, has it bookmarked on his Macbook even, and is free to look at it whenever he wants should he choose to do so.

Regarding it appearing that he reads DT, he only does when it’s something I think he needs to see and, when I do, I send him the link. Sometimes it’s about how the wearer of chastity feels, how Belle pets the rabbit, or simply a case like last week when I felt he needed to know that we also have dry spells too. A few times he has been moved to respond in the comments, but that’s his choice and I normally cringe for about twelve seconds when I see it and then breathe because, I think, every time has been an affirmation to whatever point was made.

Stephen asks:

Indulge me, but I would like to know just a few fun facts “behind the collar”. What are five things he would say about you and five things you would say about him that are not known facts?

DD:

Wow, I hate this question, but because I use this same type question to break up speeches with big groups, I think it’s only karma that I get asked this, so I will indulge you but think you should shoot a copy of this question to the rabbit as well.

What Thumper might say about me:

1. I can be a bit of a nag, but usually with reason. Usually.

2. I worry too much about weird things, things out of my control, and the feelings of others.

3. I need to run more.

4. I listen to background conversation all the time and that it freaks him out when I can tell him what’s happening three tables over.

5. I really like the idea of vaginas more than I let on and that I have gained a great deal of knowledge about all things sex from him.

Bonus #6 –  I am a lucky son of a bitch because I get to have my way with him at times.

What I will say about Thumper:

1. He has an ability to multitask electronically like no other being on Earth.

2. He drives everywhere he goes like a Nascar driver chasing a bag of Doritos.

3. He is wicked smart and knows something about everything and can share it with you in a way that makes you feel forever more smart because you heard it from him.

4. He does not take a compliment well at all.

5. His attention span is greatly improved when he is naked.

Bonus #6 – He’s a lucky son of a bitch because I get to have my way with him at times.

Adding to my lists of first the last few months, I’m now sitting here writing my thoughts on bisexuality. Gay man style.

So, it’s no secret I have a bisexual man in my life these days. When we met, I remember thinking something like “Oh cool, he can see me naked and his wife naked and be happy all the time – neat” or something equally silly. In fact, I actually remember one point in my life wishing I could identify as bisexual because, that way, I could hide “the gay”, marry a bisexual woman and the world would be wonderful while I lived with my wife in the big house with the white picket fence. Of course, said house had a gate to my boyfriend’s fabulous house on the right with the BMW in the driveway and another gate to the very practical house on the left with the Subaru in the driveway where my wife’s girlfriend lived. You know, typical suburban bliss. However, I grew up – as did my thinking.

Now, thirty years or so later I really never thought about bisexuality much except for my pure hatred of the term “bi-guy”. They were just simply “those people” who, in my mind, had somewhat of a choice in who they went to, but not in the fact that they were attracted to them.

That thinking changed almost immediately after I met Thumper because we both had that question “could you fall in love outside of your marriage” thrown at us by our spouses, friends – both online and actual, and in our own heads too. It was a natural curiosity for all and is something that happens sometimes and it really opened my eyes to start thinking. For us, the answer simply was no, because that is not how he is wired. A relationship could exist, but not one that would ever threaten either spouse because, the way I see it is, his level of bisexuality is purely about the sexual attraction and not about the “need” that I, as a gay man, have of wanting to deeply nest with another man who I also have sex with while we build a family together. He has those nesting feelings, but his are and forever will be for a woman.

As a side note, I want to make sure I clarify that a need for friendship with a man is outside either sexual parameter and was something we evidently both needed. It’s like one is the cake and is one the icing as they can both exist on their own or blend nicely together when the time is right. One is sticky. One is sweet. Oh the metaphoric journey I could go on with this, but I won’t.

I note that I know most of you already know that story, but that happened months ago and is now a non-issue with the four people involved, however I brought it up though to introduce why I have been thinking so much about this lately. As I have been attacked by a few of the Amy’s of the world, I have thought more and more about the level of unfairness everywhere. Now, some of you may disagree, but I one hundred percent believe that sexuality comes from your genes and nowhere else. I used to joke with a few of my really, really effeminate gay male friends that they “got more of the gene” than I did, but now I wonder if it really was a joke as I have met bisexuals who really do feel like they could nest with either gender. Did they get more sparkly embryonic fluid than Thumper did? Who knows. One day, when science justifies my feelings of gay by birth without question, I hope they get right to that next question.

But, here is where I want to stand up for the bisexual men and women because, I never really realized that it has to be as hard, or even harder, for you to “come out” to yourselves and others as it was for me and I apologize for being so flippant about it in my youth. A thought I have had of late is that once I was out it was, in some ways, over. I married a man, started a family, grew my life and, aside from those random professional questions of “what does you wife do?” or “what is your wife’s name?” I don’t think about it that much (as a side note, I used to get the “why don’t you and your wife have kids?” question so often that I developed the ability to get a tear in my eye when I answered about how “we tried and tried but medically it just could not happen”. I miss that question).

Anyway, there is a general lack of respect for the bisexuals and I want to do my part to change that, some how, some way. As a for instance, I told my best friend about Thumper. Yes, that involved me telling him about the open marriage thing first but I luckily didn’t have to also come out to him as “straight – but only once a month or so”. That sucks for the “bi-guy” (I disgust myself even typing it). In addition to that, I suspect many have to deal with the unjustified feelings that others may have that they “just didn’t have the courage to be all the way gay” or that they may love their opposite sex partner but not lust after them the way they would for a same sex one. That is complete bullshit because I can see a look in Thumper’s eye when he mentions Belle’s name that just shows how much he WANTS her in every way possible and how much she completes him. I also see that same look in the eye of a female friend who is bisexual but married to a man. I kid you not, I hope and pray that Axel makes those eyes when my name is discussed because we all deserve that and for anyone to even think that they made a choice of love over lust is stupid (noting that I recognize many people, gay, straight and sideways do “settle” in some way, but that’s not today’s topic).

Another myth I debunked for myself is that being bisexual and bi-curious is the same thing. I know many people who have tried sex with the same gender just to scratch a little itch and then never went back because that one tryst was all the benedryl they needed. Frankly, one day I may do it simply so I have the experience, but, for the record, only with someone who was completely in the know. For the truly bisexual, the itch doesn’t go away and for those who don’t have the courage or ability to admit it to their partners, I am sad for them.

But even for those who do admit it to either themselves for their partner, finding that right person to “help scratch” has to be hard (even for the ones who don’t have penises encased in steel) because, well, it’s a pretty unique niche and the Grindr’s and Scruff’s of the world don’t have those categories.

I have rambled here, I know, and I am sure by this point you are all expecting Sally Struthers to pop into the post to ask you to give money for the “sexually starved bisexuals”, but she’s not. I am, I guess, just asking everyone to be more aware (as I have been proven wrong before in thinking that anyone reading this would already be aware) and to always think as broad as possible as we go about our lives representing our kinks and our sexualities.

However, since I did mention Sally, I guess I should close with something like, “if you could just lend one bisexual man your penis for just one day, you could save a marriage. Won’t you just think about it?”

This afternoon I got my first complaint.

I have gotten rude comments, questions, and compliments over the months, but never a complaint.

You see, Joelsub32 wrote me a rather eloquent message that said,  “Dude, your blog is supposed to be about you being a slave to your husband and owning a straight guy’s ass – which is hot. I looked and it’s all words and it’s about your life -not hot. Plus, who is Axel, Thumper and Stella? Too many names – also not hot.”

Well, what can I say, Joel? Have you heard of Tumblr?

Although I doubt Joel will ever read this, I decided to write a little synopsis here for new readers who, I hope can comprehend a bit more than Joelsub32.

The CliffsNotes of The Drew Duality:

The Blog: It’s true, it was supposed to be only about my submission to my husband and my dominant relationship with a bisexual married man who is locked in chastity and longed to be fucked by a man. While I think the original intend would be that this would be about a great deal of sexual details and less about life, what this has turned into is an outlet for me to explore my kink side through words, challenge myself at times, and chronicle my day to day life with “the husband” and the bisexual man (he’s far from straight, Joel), now often referred to simply as “the boyfriend”.

The blog has taken on a life of itself and is something I very much enjoy, so it’s going to continue and will evolve as my life does, as a husband, as a boyfriend, as a professional executive trainer, as a traveler, and, most importantly, as a switch who is navigating all of these waters as they flow together.  Finally, I write this blog as the man who is made up of all of those things and as a man who has honestly never been happier in his life as he comes to find a bit more peace in his soul every single day in accepting those things that drive his mind and his penis to great pleasure and as he finds some great people along the way.

The Husband (Axel): My partner of 17 years (and my legal husband of two), known only here as Axel, a name HE chose by the way, is an amazing man who I confessed my kink side to in 2008. Since that time it has been an evolving path of discovery often taking three steps forward and 117 back before repeating the process and starting again. Eventually, we made progress and are now at a spot where he wants and is taking more and more control of my life at home, which I happily give him (although due only just to life events, right now we are in one of the reverse series – but it’s all okay).

Our path took a great leap when we decided to open our relationship so that we could each explore things we wanted but were not getting at home. For Axel, he had a few dalliances that were only that and never amounted to anything more (but he is determined to find his own boyfriend soon). For me, this openness was really only symbolic until I met “the boyfriend” in October. At that time everything really exploded on both sides, with Axel deciding he wanted me to have a prince albert followed by chastity control and some structure at home, while also allowing me every freedom in the world I want or need with the boyfriend.  He is an amazing man and I am proud to share my life and my last name with him.

The Boyfriend (Thumper): Thumper really needs no introduction because of his incredible blog I was a huge fan of before we met (although I still am a huge fan too). He is a married, bisexual father whose wife keeps him locked in chastity 24/7 and has for over six years.  His full story and amazing blog can be found here, but we found each other after he wrote a post about wanting to be fucked by a man and I simply volunteered which was step one.  Step two was us clicking like long lost friends and realizing that we shared many unique things (and we continue to do so such as PA dates and times and, this week, I realized my ATM code is one he uses for something else – really, of all the numbers and codes in the world we use the same ones??) and that our kinks not only clicked, but they aligned almost perfectly like a delicately shaped plug designed for a gaping hole.

We started out as Dom/sub, Sir/boy, and I used many names for him publicly that I now use in private at the right times (except DILF -it’s just so fucking true to not be public) and had rules, challenges, and tasks which were followed by amazing sex, but after that we realized that our real lives were suffering at the expense of these activities and that the possibility of really being friends and knowing each other for the men we are would not be possible under the mask of me as always a Dom and him as always a sub. This new “freedom” has allowed him to serve as my kink mentor, female anatomy advisor, baseball coach, tech support hotline, my hole at a few specific times (see these posts), and, most importantly, my friend which is something I have grown to value tremendously.

All that said, we still fuck like bunnies and I still own his ass in private when we can (at least every month) and will continue to do so too!  Lucky for all of us is that he recaps those episodes as well!

The Dog (Stella): Stella is my girl and probably my favorite. She’s a spoiled terrier who has multiple beds (two heated and one cooled) and has a busier schedule than me and Axel combined. That said, she’s often referred to in the posts as an annoyance, but I love her dearly.

The Penis (Mr. Winky): RIP Mr. Winky, we now call you Cock.

So, that is where we stand, Joelsub32.  Care to send me another email complaining about words?

“Mr. Winkie must die”. The sorta-phrase heard all day yesterday in various forms from Axel and Thumper.

Evidently, neither liked the fact that in the previous post about my one week of healing that I referred to my penis as “Mr. Winkie”.

It’s “not sexy”, they say. “You’re a grown man”, they say. Yadda. Yadda. Yadda, they say.

Actually, the bigger thought was that such items should not have names. I find that sad, but also see a point, so in an effort to be a better husband and boyfriend to the boyfriend and husband, I have vowed that my penis will no longer be referred to by any name other than cock, penis, dick, or monster, you know, all the technical terms. In my defense, it’s not like I would saddle up behind either and say something like “get ready for Mr. Winkie”, but, I do see their point and I will do my best to make sure that it shall no longer be named.

While this post has absolutely nothing to do with chastity, sex, or anything kinky (damn me and my vow as I have now I missed my chance since that rhymes so well with Winkie), I laughed all day about how these two men who have not (yet) met both picked up on the same thing and both gave me hell about it in the same snippy, yet endearingly sarcastic ways. Actually, it was an unintentional threeway of sorts as they also each added in there that I tend to give inanimate objects a gender assignment and that it should stop as well. This was just once, after recently referring to my truck as a “he” and they thought that was a bit silly too. So, I will kill Winkie, but not sure my truck will understand just yet.

I kid, of course, as it was more just fun for me to see that they both freakishly united in this “request” at almost the exact time and in the almost exact way.  Just odd.  (as an FYI, Axel does not read the blog, but I have sent him the PA updates as he has a vested interest and wants to know those)

In addition, while I am writing about nothing in particular, I want to give an update on Axel as I am not sure I painted a fair picture of him last weekend when I arrived home with my freshly poked Mr., errrr, cock. A few of you have told me that you felt sorry for me over his reaction and that he could have reacted better, been more excited, and such. For those who said that, I agree 100 percent. He should have. But, there were many things about my arrival home and the weekend that I could have done better too, so in this case,  it truly is what it is or, well, was what it was. As a bit of background too, Axel’s workload almost quadruples in December and he’s working more hours than me without the benefit of the occasional first class seat and kettle one and cranberry. Stress levels are high this month and always have been, so I really should have known better than to expect much more. In fact, one of the reasons I chose to have myself modified in December was due to the fact that intimacy, kink, control, and any of the other fun words that belong in that sentence are quite improbable during these weeks, so it made for a good time to temporarily render oneself impotent so that I’d be back and roaring when Axel wakes up from his much needed nap a few days after Christmas (after we return from his family and I wake up from the self medicated induced coma I typically have to put myself in for survival too).

I am in Los Angeles tonight and will be heading home for almost three solid weeks tomorrow and have promised him he can touch the steely cock as much as he wants, now that doing so will not send me through the ceiling in pain like it would have this time last week. While I intend to stay in my half self imposed/half healing imposed state of device free chastity for at least another week for the internal healing, the touch is something I have missed dearly and am looking very forward to feeling when I get there.

As a nine day update, I am healing quite well and the burning has slowed, though it is still there at times. Mentally I no longer “think” constantly about my dick, but the new vibrations and sensations are still rather, um, thrilling.

Happy weekend.

Yesterday, on this blog, Thumper and I received a really long, detailed, thought out set of questions from our friend Skipper in Nevada.  Thumper created a new post yesterday based on one question and I am going to do the same for a section or two of the question as it progressed.  Also, I know that Thumper has one more response that is coming quite soon as well.  As an FYI, the entire question can be found within the comments on my favorite post, The Bisexual Bunny Tongue, by clicking here.

So, Skipper says:  I’m surprised by my confusion with the Drew / Thumper relationship! I can’t explain my confusion easily? I consider myself a smart rational guy. In reality the relationship between you and Thumper is a relationship between two people. That’s what people do… engage in relationships! I get that.
But…..?

Well, I honestly don’t know how to best answer that except that I think, just think, that perhaps some people think he and I should just be about sex, or friendship, or just to be quiet about both as the stereotypical masculine male has not historically been known as a type who expresses emotion or lets people, especially strangers, into their “inner world”.  I have to ask you, do you think it’s just weird because this might be the first time that you are actually watching two people form a friendship inclusive, yet not fully so as it started, of their kink bond?  I only ask it that way because you are right, people form relationships, but rarely are you on inside of the formation of the relationship? Or, seeing two people who have an incredible amount of commonalities and odd historical relevant experience from the “inside” and we have both allowed that here since day one and, aside from the fake name here or there, are both nearly 100% honest about our loves, our lives, and ourselves.

That said, let me tell you that you are not the only one who has asked this, but you ARE the only one who has asked in a way I care to answer.  Some have been about how a gay guy and a guy with a family could even be friends or other things filled with the same type bullshit or even negative ones not worthy of my time typing, but I sense you really do care, so I hope that helps.

Also, a bit later in your question you ask:

How can two people like Drew and Thumper have a relationship that is really cool and both of them coincidentally be really great at expressing things in writing? amazing! Whats the odds of that?)

I wish I knew.  It’s CRAZY, but I think the writing and the way we express ourselves is one of the main reasons we connected before and after we connected.  You may remember, but a few of the very first commenters accused us of being the same person, something I hope we have disproven by now and with those clouded pictures.  So, the writing is just a fantastic coincidence of sorts, but if you were to spend time with us, together or apart, we pretty much both talk the way we write too – random, off the wall, simple, long, deep, stupid, etc –  it makes for a fun lunch.  It’s just another commonality.

(Paraphrase) I have to express feeling a bit of weirdness about the fact that I consider you, Thumper and Belle to be my friends and that I find it odd that I worry about you all as a group and as individuals, etc?  

Please don’t feel funny about that at all.  That’s why we post in the format we do, because I suspect someone is reading my stuff like I used to read Thumper’s – just looking for advice, ideas, or even internet connected and covered acceptance of who they are.  While it still smarts a bit that you left Axel out of that (I kid), I have to tell you I used to be one of Thumper’s greatest online fans – now I am just one of Thumper’s great fans in life.  It’s funny, because, like you, I knew all the backstories that have been shared, thought Belle was the hottest, coolest wife ever, and thought the Bunny was a God who had to be the coolest guy in the whole world.  I could even see them living in this huge home and each driving  five Porsches with custom locking butt plug docking stations for him, BUT, what I met was the real man who has let me into his life and I having seen for myself that all of those things are true in his day to day life – except the docking stations don’t lock in reality.  Seriously, don’t feel guilty or creepy about it in any way, it’s what we put out there so enjoy it.  Learn from it.  Etc

To sum that up, I see it in the same way that Betty White has always been my fantasy Grandmother. I. LOVE. HER, but,  I have never met her or even seen her in person, but the day that woman dies, I will be under a table rocking back and forth for at least four minutes and about 16 seconds (well, I will have things to do I am sure).  Does this make sense?

Keep the questions coming and maybe we can help decipher things for you!  Oh, and if you DO decide to start stalking, start with him. He’s much easier to track down than me!!

DD