A Switch Within A Switch + Kink Power

To continue on a bit from my previous post where I discussed the evolution of my sexuality, the last few weeks have been an interesting study in how I am dealing with my switch side as well and what I have learned. If I could sum it up neatly with a little bow on top I would say something along the lines of that I have learned that I am a switch within a switch, but there is nothing neat and clean about that statement at all, so I can’t say that.

What I have discovered is that I have become adept at playing both sides even within the prescribed roles I have with my partner. In many ways, over the last year I have discovered that what I have called my sub side is really just me having a vehicle in which to express and learn both sides of my kinkiest thoughts and fantasies. When I am in a submissive position, while I may love every single thing that is going on, my mind never really “clicks” in gear with that role like I see what happens with Thumper.

I understand this because, with him, my brain clicks to that dominant part of my sexuality in a way that I sometimes have to stop or pace myself with him before I go too far too fast, which is something he has to do on the submissive side as well. In that sexual pairing, at that certain time, we are right for each other like two sides of the puzzle and I enjoy every single ounce of power I have over him while inflicting pain, enacting uncomfortable positions, or using him sexually like an object whose only reason for being there is for my use, my pleasure, and to be nothing but a receptacle for my pain I want to give him. But, where the switch within a switch comes in is that when we are done with that aspect of our relationship, whether it being for an hour or a month, I take on what would typically be a more submissive role in that I just want him to be happy, comfortable, and to have a good time when we are together by allowing, no, basically asking that he take on the role of the planner, the restaurant chooser, and the keeper of the remote. I used to think this was because I was always in his city, his guest so to speak, and that is some of it I am sure, but as we have gotten naked in other places this year, that same pattern follows. With him, I am both the occasionally annoying sappy boyfriend who sometimes just wants to hear a voice and know if the day was good or bad and the dominant boyfriend who sometimes just wants to hear nothing but whines and screams out of his gagged mouth with little or no care as to what he is thinking at that exact moment because it’s about me.

It’s odd when you step back and think about it, but it works for us, sometimes better than others, but as we progress toward the climax of our first year together, it’s getting easier for both of us to be each role when required. When this started, I used to rather beat myself up at times for having that sappy side, because fuck buddies don’t have that (although I have since learned that some do), but I have relaxed that feeling of “guilt” now in many ways because the newness of us has melted into more of just “an us” routine along with the realization that that sappy guy is just who I am, be it with my husband, my boyfriend, my best friend, my neighbor, or the guy who lives in a box a block from my house. I am just the guy that wants to know those in my life are happy, where they are supposed to be, and really hope that every time we finish a communication that they can smile and feel good about what just happened. I think this just fucking god damn means that I am a sappy, nice guy and if you are in my life you are just going to have to deal with it. Period. No guilt or apologies and no more beating myself up either.

Now, on to Axel and the switchiness that is taking place with us.

With him, what I have learned is that I love him having control of my cock and my orgasms but, for me, that is less about being a submissive to him and more about giving him a gift that he enjoys having as a form of a tribute to him for our many, many years together and for all the amazing things he has given to me through the years, including the ability to have a boyfriend on the side. Unlike many of my locked friends in a same sex scenario, when he unlocks me it is because he is ready to be fucked or to play with my penis – on his terms- (at least initially) and I enjoy that tremendously as I turn into a top man instantly with the click of that lock – including sometimes flipping the switch to his submissive side. While it is somewhat about orgasm control, I don’t think we will ever go to the long term denial place because that simply doesn’t do it for him (or our current life). Though, if he does want that, I realize that it’s not my choice since it comes with the gift I gave. Though I say that knowing it will never really be that long of a term because I have an automatic pass for my time with Thumper and that comes every four to six weeks already (except the next visit which we are having a dandy of a time trying to get scheduled between our calendars). That said, whether I am technically his sub or some other term, what this has allowed Axel and I to do is to get our kink on like no other time in the past. He feels kink power* because I have his metal on and in my penis and I feel kink power just having it there, so as we allow ourselves to channel that, we now find ourselves sitting at a kinky table with everything on it just ready for us to grab, touch, fondle, and abuse (can you just envision that table?? the one is my mind is either black leather or rubber and has most of of the Mr S. stockroom laid out on it and Thumper locked to it with his ass up in the air).

For me, even though I don’t like to usually admit this, I am absolutely thrive in competition and have a drive that will knock whoever out of my way without remorse if that means I will get the better seat, prize, or lane (that is an extreme example btw, I do give in occasionally). While my entire career is based on this and always has been, I realized that I was missing this at home because Axel never challenged me on anything and I would take advantage of that fact often, just because. So, as a way of embracing our kinks, over the last few weeks, Axel and I have been working on a point system for rewards such as massages, foods, orgasm passes, and more for kinky tasks like carrying a plug for a period of hours a week, spending an extra hour or two in the gym that week, a spanking, time spent in some type of severe bondage, or sexually perverse pictures sent from time to time through the week and, occasionally, posted on Twitter. There really is no punishment clause for us, unlike when I play a similar game with Thumper, because failing to reach the reward is enough mental anguish to me that a beating would not provide. Axel is both learning to accept a more dominant part of his personality in setting these weekly goals and embracing some of his kinky fantasies that I have to admit I never knew he had. When my Steelwerks device comes, the device he prescribed and he paid for (two important facts for him – well, both of us), I suspect we will see these things escalate where we might go down an even kinkier path, but we are no longer going to start forecasting that now, because that is what has tripped us up each and every time we have tried in the past (and, fyi, I think you will know why I feel I have to say this, but the last two weeks I have BLOWN past both my goals, just sayin’).

So, this is getting too long and is likely where I need to stop this as it’s getting repetitive, but to close it up, I can’t really believe I am at this place in life because I am happier with my kinky mind than I think I have ever been and feel great satisfaction in knowing that between both Axel and Thumper and our “activities” combined with some of my new gear, I see myself on a nice kinky path while holding the hands of some great new friends at the same time.

Oh, and KINK POWER.

*This just seems like a phrase that should be in bold. Just because. 

The Theory of Evolution

(Spoiler alert, the following contains no sexual activity and limited use of the word “fuck” and talks, yet again, about these two married men, who just happen to have two body parts that match nicely)

It’s about 9:00 on a Friday night and I am sitting in a first class seat with my fancy new iPad pondering. Despite the fact that I inevitably always sit next to the one person who chooses to use their light, I have always found night flights to be peaceful, almost relaxing places to be. Of course, that might also be the two drinks I have had and the third on the way, but I digress.

Anyway, I was sitting here and decided to read back through some of my initial posts and Thumper’s about “the day” and I got all sticky and gooey again, in both my mental and nether regions, kinda-sorta. Actually, it’s funny because last week he and I both posted about the “relationship agreement” and the “relationship evolution” and the dynamic of how things had “changed”, and how we were happy about it, even though the D/s aspect was going to shift more toward when we are physically together versus trying to carry it through, full time, often thousands of miles apart, and all that other jazz that comes with the long distance control. Though I still contend that option can work in the right situations, our careers, families, and, oh yeah, dominant spouses tend to limit our bandwidth for something as strict as that and, as a side note, both of our moods seemed elevated this week and seemed to shine through to the surface more than we cared to admit.  I attribute this to last week’s talk and the lack of the cloud of expectation hanging over each of our heads.

Going back and looking at T’s posts about meeting me and mine about the first time I met him (Thump, link those here?), I had to laugh because, when you read those now, our “grand evolution” last week was really just a big giant three week journey in a circle or, perhaps a figure eight at a minimum, because, without intentionally realizing it, our new “evolution” went right back to the very first posts each of us listed right here within our virtual, public memory books.

You know, those were THE posts. The ones that specifically said we were to be more than fuck buddies because we each liked, wanted and expected at least a few strings and while we would be close, we’d never be romantic;  the ones that said that establishing and maintaining a friendship would be paramount;  the ones that said that our spouses would ALWAYS come first and the ones that said that when we were together, I was going to own his ass and do some severe things to it if he was out of line or just for my amusement.

You know, just like two friends who play golf every Saturday – except for that spouses come first thing, right?

So, tonight, prior to me going back to read these postings, he and I robo-chatted about how we both felt about the first week of the “new agreement”.  This was not a planned topic and was not a great chat or a fluid one, because the timing of the day meant that our only connection point was when I was breaking the law by not using airplane mode on my iPhone until 10,000 feet, followed by a video message to me from him when I landed, which was then followed by me, in an attempt to use what I thought was my only 27 seconds of wifi for hours, writing 17,014 words into our messaging app in what must have read like an epileptic fit to him as I responded to the above items.  It was a fucking cluster fuck of a conversation; however, like even our most raw ones from the previous weeks, it was fun, informational, and included the words baseball and pussy at least three times each. It wasn’t an ideal time, but in life, when is it, so we took it, used it, and followed our mutual rule about honest communication being key.

Going back through the transcripts of this broken chat later, the words actually agree that that it wasn’t bad at all.  In fact, it was good and we each enjoyed our new levels of casualness while still knowing that we will and are planning way more fun times in person when that collar is not only going to snap shut, it’s going to lock.

All that plain ole vanilla aside, I did throw some sub challenges and goals at him this week and will continue to do so as we have agreed; however these will be based on real life calendars as we will do our best to enhance each other’s existence, not hamper it. Since I said that, I need to also say that being the good DILFY rabbit he is, Thumper met (and over achieved) all but one thing on his shortened list.

So, the moral of this story, for those interested, is that we are plugging along just fine (pun intended) and have realized that both of us being autodidacts when it comes to almost all every area of this new friendship that’s more than just a friendship yet really is all based on a core level of friendship which is then all wrapped in BDSM goodness, might just truly be our own theory of evolution.

The collision of exhaustion, excitement, loneliness, pizza, and smiling – yes, a same ole’ same ole’ summary of week one

So, it’s been a week since Thumper helped me start this blog to document my journey into accepting my submissive self as well as another vehicle for he and I to share our journey together which follows my switch side and his backside.  Since the blog started, the latter has been reigned into a slow, steady, drip of control, a growing deep mutual respect which both follows a D/s line and doesn’t – yea, it works and it’s not changing, and what I see as true friendship, which is an addition I am not sure I really ever expected – not so much with him, but really with whoever I ever found to help me on this journey.  With it now in place, it’s like a truly unexpected gift from the North.  Don’t get me wrong, all daisies and zebras aside, you will still hear about his weekly requirement and his successes and failures (he had his first one this week which is disappointing but can still be okay) in this blog generally on Mondays or early in the week otherwise from HIM, because he is instructed to not only list them, but to say how they made him feel.  And, though the time has shortened, he is still being held accountable. This public side of his service is an important step for some things ahead for both of us.

Those sexual dream filled plugged things aside, what I never really intended to have this blog do was discuss my career and my life involved with that, but, there are days, like today, that the two just combine in such a way I think writing is my only escape.  Because of my career, which, honestly, is not as fabulous as some may think because of the the places I go, is very very specialized, so I have to be very careful about naming places, etc.  When I can though, I will share what can be shared.  For instance, tonight I arrived in Hong Kong.  From the dark drive in, I found it to be an intimidating place, but Monday morning will arrive soon so I am sure it will be better. But any time I find myself on the other side of the world I find myself lonely, this time, it was stepped up a tad, but a very in control tad and once works starts at 7:30am tomorrow, I will be in game mode!

So, I bring that all up to say that today was a shitty day, mostly because I sat on three planes, in coach for two of the segments, for whopping today 27 hours. In the last two weeks, I have been to Australia, Canada, and now here in China.  I am truly exhausted and that, combined with the PMS we have discussed, has truly wrecked my ability to cope with even the smallest issue in a thoughtful way and not allowed me to concentrate.  If you can’t tell from here, my mind works constantly, both good and bad.  The best example I can tell you about my mind is that I remember at some point with Axel a few years back when he and I were having the most amazing sex ever, and right in the middle I started wondering about what I was going to have for lunch tomorrow, and then went right back to enjoying his amazing sex.  Actually, I never stopped enjoying it to think about it, that’s just how it works.  It’s something like, “Fuck, he is fucking me so fucking wonderful, oh, pizza, pizza for lunch tomorrow, wow that is amazing, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me, pepperoni alone or, fuck that feels good”.  My mind does that with EVERYTHING at ALL TIMES. It’s crazy but it’s always a adventure. Most importantly, I have accepted that for who I am and enjoy it.  I just have to be careful, at times, about what I say when 🙂

It’s funny, as you have seen through here as well, the above also coincided with this wonderful adventure with Axel and the fascinating journey with Thumper, this blogging thing that I have discovered I love, and the aforementioned hormonal imbalance –  three of which will continue long, long after I catch up on sleep, have just made it a week with a lot to think about.

So, on the plane tonight, I reflected.  Watched a movie.  Reflected.  Had a Bailey’s on ice. Reflected.  And, then I stopped.  I just stopped and started smiling like a horny rabbit; a rabbit seeing the key to his cage.

I smiled hard.  I smiled long.  I smiled so much that I freaked out my left hand watch wearing  neighbor.  But I didn’t care, because the first week of the new me, who, while exhausted and still a tad emotional from the lady bits, is a very very happy man.

So, like Sally Ford accepting her Oscar with the “they really like me speech”, consider this my onstage thanks to Axel, for loving me with all of his soul, his huge brain, and now using me with his other huge, well, (there will be other posts) and for his absolute trust in me to let me find who I need to be.  To Thumper, for his insight, trust, friendship, and, most especially, his ever growing, yet refined, desire to make me happy and to smile when doing so.  And, finally, to the fourth corner, Belle, for her trust and love of Thumper as I honestly think that is most likely the corner of trust that let began this journey for me – which is weird in some respects, but very very cool that we live in a time that though the technology afforded to us, that one, from what I know, amazing woman, in mind body and soul, started it all and unlocked the horny, kinky as fuck, gay man inside me.

So, from whatever fucking timezone I am in, goodnight from the lucky man with the husband, boyfriend, career, and Macbook that’s making me very excited about the journey ahead.

Thumper’s tasks for the week of November 2nd

These are the tasks Drew has assigned me this week:

  1. 47 hours of plug time. This has been creeping up…
  2. The XXL WMCBP must be in for 11 of those hours and on Monday for a minimum of one hour.
  3. The XXL WMCBP must also be worn to the gym once. Drew says He prefers my core and ab day, but I work core and abs every time.
  4. I’m to track all His flights so I always know where He is in His travels.
  5. I’m to create for Him four chatty videos from my truck.
  6. I’m to create two videos for Him of me putting the plug in. He seems to really like those.
  7. I’m to do a variety of things related to Drew getting a Prince Albert piercing including making the appointment for next time He’s in town. He wants me to be there when it’s done.
  8. I was to get all this blog stuff set up, so that’s done. Obviously.
  9. I’m to help him spec out a steel chastity device for His husband.