To continue on a bit from my previous post where I discussed the evolution of my sexuality, the last few weeks have been an interesting study in how I am dealing with my switch side as well and what I have learned. If I could sum it up neatly with a little bow on top I would say something along the lines of that I have learned that I am a switch within a switch, but there is nothing neat and clean about that statement at all, so I can’t say that.
What I have discovered is that I have become adept at playing both sides even within the prescribed roles I have with my partner. In many ways, over the last year I have discovered that what I have called my sub side is really just me having a vehicle in which to express and learn both sides of my kinkiest thoughts and fantasies. When I am in a submissive position, while I may love every single thing that is going on, my mind never really “clicks” in gear with that role like I see what happens with Thumper.
I understand this because, with him, my brain clicks to that dominant part of my sexuality in a way that I sometimes have to stop or pace myself with him before I go too far too fast, which is something he has to do on the submissive side as well. In that sexual pairing, at that certain time, we are right for each other like two sides of the puzzle and I enjoy every single ounce of power I have over him while inflicting pain, enacting uncomfortable positions, or using him sexually like an object whose only reason for being there is for my use, my pleasure, and to be nothing but a receptacle for my pain I want to give him. But, where the switch within a switch comes in is that when we are done with that aspect of our relationship, whether it being for an hour or a month, I take on what would typically be a more submissive role in that I just want him to be happy, comfortable, and to have a good time when we are together by allowing, no, basically asking that he take on the role of the planner, the restaurant chooser, and the keeper of the remote. I used to think this was because I was always in his city, his guest so to speak, and that is some of it I am sure, but as we have gotten naked in other places this year, that same pattern follows. With him, I am both the occasionally annoying sappy boyfriend who sometimes just wants to hear a voice and know if the day was good or bad and the dominant boyfriend who sometimes just wants to hear nothing but whines and screams out of his gagged mouth with little or no care as to what he is thinking at that exact moment because it’s about me.
It’s odd when you step back and think about it, but it works for us, sometimes better than others, but as we progress toward the climax of our first year together, it’s getting easier for both of us to be each role when required. When this started, I used to rather beat myself up at times for having that sappy side, because fuck buddies don’t have that (although I have since learned that some do), but I have relaxed that feeling of “guilt” now in many ways because the newness of us has melted into more of just “an us” routine along with the realization that that sappy guy is just who I am, be it with my husband, my boyfriend, my best friend, my neighbor, or the guy who lives in a box a block from my house. I am just the guy that wants to know those in my life are happy, where they are supposed to be, and really hope that every time we finish a communication that they can smile and feel good about what just happened. I think this just fucking god damn means that I am a sappy, nice guy and if you are in my life you are just going to have to deal with it. Period. No guilt or apologies and no more beating myself up either.
Now, on to Axel and the switchiness that is taking place with us.
With him, what I have learned is that I love him having control of my cock and my orgasms but, for me, that is less about being a submissive to him and more about giving him a gift that he enjoys having as a form of a tribute to him for our many, many years together and for all the amazing things he has given to me through the years, including the ability to have a boyfriend on the side. Unlike many of my locked friends in a same sex scenario, when he unlocks me it is because he is ready to be fucked or to play with my penis – on his terms- (at least initially) and I enjoy that tremendously as I turn into a top man instantly with the click of that lock – including sometimes flipping the switch to his submissive side. While it is somewhat about orgasm control, I don’t think we will ever go to the long term denial place because that simply doesn’t do it for him (or our current life). Though, if he does want that, I realize that it’s not my choice since it comes with the gift I gave. Though I say that knowing it will never really be that long of a term because I have an automatic pass for my time with Thumper and that comes every four to six weeks already (except the next visit which we are having a dandy of a time trying to get scheduled between our calendars). That said, whether I am technically his sub or some other term, what this has allowed Axel and I to do is to get our kink on like no other time in the past. He feels kink power* because I have his metal on and in my penis and I feel kink power just having it there, so as we allow ourselves to channel that, we now find ourselves sitting at a kinky table with everything on it just ready for us to grab, touch, fondle, and abuse (can you just envision that table?? the one is my mind is either black leather or rubber and has most of of the Mr S. stockroom laid out on it and Thumper locked to it with his ass up in the air).
For me, even though I don’t like to usually admit this, I am absolutely thrive in competition and have a drive that will knock whoever out of my way without remorse if that means I will get the better seat, prize, or lane (that is an extreme example btw, I do give in occasionally). While my entire career is based on this and always has been, I realized that I was missing this at home because Axel never challenged me on anything and I would take advantage of that fact often, just because. So, as a way of embracing our kinks, over the last few weeks, Axel and I have been working on a point system for rewards such as massages, foods, orgasm passes, and more for kinky tasks like carrying a plug for a period of hours a week, spending an extra hour or two in the gym that week, a spanking, time spent in some type of severe bondage, or sexually perverse pictures sent from time to time through the week and, occasionally, posted on Twitter. There really is no punishment clause for us, unlike when I play a similar game with Thumper, because failing to reach the reward is enough mental anguish to me that a beating would not provide. Axel is both learning to accept a more dominant part of his personality in setting these weekly goals and embracing some of his kinky fantasies that I have to admit I never knew he had. When my Steelwerks device comes, the device he prescribed and he paid for (two important facts for him – well, both of us), I suspect we will see these things escalate where we might go down an even kinkier path, but we are no longer going to start forecasting that now, because that is what has tripped us up each and every time we have tried in the past (and, fyi, I think you will know why I feel I have to say this, but the last two weeks I have BLOWN past both my goals, just sayin’).
So, this is getting too long and is likely where I need to stop this as it’s getting repetitive, but to close it up, I can’t really believe I am at this place in life because I am happier with my kinky mind than I think I have ever been and feel great satisfaction in knowing that between both Axel and Thumper and our “activities” combined with some of my new gear, I see myself on a nice kinky path while holding the hands of some great new friends at the same time.
Oh, and KINK POWER.
*This just seems like a phrase that should be in bold. Just because.