Flying Heavy with the TV On

It’s late on a Thursday night and I am sitting in the front row of the first class cabin on yet another plane ready to crawl out of my skin because flying on Thursday night is just miserable. It’s a combination of business guys like me trying to get home and families who are trying to start a weekend vacation a bit earlier. It’s always chaos and I really prefer staying and taking a 5am flight out the next day, but every time I book my trips I seem to not remember this because all I see is an extra night home with Axel. Of course, it’s almost always at this skin crawling level but, tonight, it’s worse because it’s raining in Atlanta and that means that everything runs on Hartsfield time, which, on nights like this is two hours behind real world time. So, I will get home around 1am, take a shower, (finally) eat dinner, and then crawl in bed with Axel for about four hours before he has to get up. Not really quality time, but it will count for something.

It’s been a heavy week. I am not going to say it was a bad week, but just a heavy week. One of the Scotts has been really freaky sick and in the hospital for a week which has caused Axel (and me) stress and worry (he’s going to be fine)(but cardiac things can happen to a fit thirtysomething), Axel and I have been arranging his surgery dates, care plans, and time off of work, which, for me means a lot of rescheduling since I am generally booked six months out, and, as you know, Thumper and I have declared a “break” which is essentially no more than officially labeling what, pretty much, was/is just our normal routine when we are not in each other’s presence. Add to this that I have, apparently, been labeled the destroyer of the environment because I often like to leave the TV on when I leave hotel rooms, and all that just creates the word “heavy”.

Anyway, a few days ago Thumper posted about the break on DT linking it back to mine where he likens this to Ross and Rachel and then goes so far as to even dare think that he is the Rachel in the situation. Perhaps this is part of that one sidedness showing, but I didn’t like that post much, though I adored the comments, and I can’t exactly express why, which bothers me further. It’s a topic he and I have not had enough time to actually discuss, so I am leaving this right here for right now and one day one of us will pick this back up surely.

As for the Scotts, they have weaved their way into our world in a way neither Axel or I expected, but I have to say we are delighted they have. It took a bit of time for the weirdness to go away, but Axel and I found a groove and I no longer feel any stupid jealous like feelings when he is with them at all. In fact, as I have mentioned, I have a bit of a crush on both of them which has been acknowledged in return, so that door is open now too and, as surprising as it is since Axel and I have said for years that we’d never play together, I can really see me stepping through that door one day fairly soon, which is both exciting and scary in that good way scary can be.

Finally, tomorrow the BEAUTIFUL “Axel”, which is appropriately named because Axel helped design and purchased it, device arrives between 3:15 and 5:15 CST. This device is likely going to make a significant change in our momentum and we are both quite excited about that, though we have put the cautionary brakes on anything “official” until around December as I will be traveling internationally again for two weeks starting next week and he is swamped during the holidays as families create chaos and people need counseling in a dramatically higher rate starting around Thanksgiving. But, that’s plenty of time for me to practice and adjust and we will likely have some goal based lock ups during this period that I will be writing about more in the coming days.

I’m almost home, so happy Friday.

Oh, about that god damn TV thing, FOR THE RECORD, I tend to leave the power on because at most hotels you have to go through about 27 menus and advertisements before you can get to the channels and/or I travel with an Apple TV and if the TV is off I have to then crawl behind it and adjust the inputs each time. It’s irritating and I am in a hotel room just enough that these small little annoyances can just make a bad day worse. Fuck, I have rented enough Praises (or is it Prii?), to offset that stupid amount of energy, dammit. Don’t judge me. It’s really just me being practical.

Inside My Closed Open Marriage

Last weekend I went away with a group of friends and, because it rained every single minute of our trip, we often found ourselves in odd little couplings talking about anything and everything. During one of these moments, the subject of open marriages came up and I found myself listening to my friends, half of whom know I am in one but didn’t disclose that, discuss them as if they thought participants were just crazy swingers having sex at every minute. It was funny in many ways, but it also made me think about what the inside of my open marriage looks like, so I decided to write about it.

The following is what I wrote and it is very unusual in that I did not assume that the reader knew anything about me as I wanted this to stand alone, even though I doubt it would ever be forwarded or posted elsewhere. Also, as those of you who have followed me will actually know the names, you will actually also see that I combined the Scotts into one person, as Axel really does think of them as one unit and, well, it was just easier to write.

So, feel free to fill in the blanks with the names you know.


I have a closed open marriage. It’s not about sex because it’s simply about so much more.

I thought about this topic last weekend when I confided in an old friend that my marriage was open and that each of us have someone on the side. His immediate reaction was not one of judgement as I expected, but one of jealousy, in a sense, when he said, “wow, so much sex. I can’t even imagine” which was followed by “must be so nice to just blow a little steam and then go home, but doesn’t that make it weird when it’s time to fuck (insert husband’s name here)?”  I think I smiled or did something else to acknowledge that I heard him, but I remember specifically not saying out loud what I wanted to say, because, at least in my openness, he could not have been more wrong.

To back up, my husband are in our eighteenth year together and our third as a married same sex couple. To the world, we are the stereotypical white collared Ward and Ward Cleaver gay male couple as we live in a recently gentrified neighborhood on the edge of both the hood and the multi million dollar homes, have two German SUV’s in the driveway with the pretty tags versus the standard ones, and a dog with a human name who wears sweaters when it’s chilly. We have a great sex life together, enjoy our time together immensely, and, to this day, find it surprising that we actually do love each other more every single day than we did the day before. What we don’t show, is that each of us have a boyfriend on the side who provide us with something we could not get from the other. The specifics of what we were seeking is not of importance at the moment, but in many ways, he and I have given each other a gift that, when translated, boils down to a proven level of trust, admiration, and respect for each other and our particular needs. This gift, is something I could never get from anyone except the man I married and I thank him, at least in my head, every single day for it.

For us, the openness started about six years ago when my husband brought up the idea and we discussed, analyzed, and dissected the concept before finally thinking we could make it work. We negotiated what each of us expected from the side relationship, what information we wanted to share and not share, and how we proposed going about cultivating, soliciting, and engaging said “boyfriend on the side”. Like many things before  and tons of things after it, he and I had very different thoughts on each of those points which caused us to find a middle ground that worked for us in theory, since said boyfriend was only hypothetical at that moment. The one thing we both immediately agreed upon was that, for us, we wanted a “closed open marriage”, a term we defined on our own, because there would be no random encounters allowed, no side sex for sexes sake, and that, no matter what, we would always be the first in each other’s lives. We were professional negotiators at the drafting of this deed and soon it was signed, sealed, and then sat on for about five years. Then, actually a year ago this week, I met my boyfriend, a bisexual married to a woman man who has turned out to be everything I didn’t expect in a very good way. Then, about two months ago, he met his soon to be boyfriend, a monosexual man married to a man, who I can honestly say is nothing like we ever thought he’d be either, also in a very good way.

Life is good and it’s working well, but to get back to the original point of this post, I can’t say any of us are having more sex because of our open marriages. In fact, right now, I’m having less sex because of my open marriage as the wonderful newness of the dating while aligning existing rules and making sure feelings are not getting stepped on has stressed out my husband to the point that neither his boyfriend or myself are getting much action. It’s no big deal as we know that stress in forty something men often sends the blood flowing to the brain versus the penis, which I have always assumed is just nature’s way of getting back to us for all the stupid things we did when blood flowed directly from the brain to the penis in our 20’s. This lack of sex and the over complication of emotions in my head is something I went through a year ago as well, so I am certain beyond a doubt that they and we will be back in action really soon as the newness settles and the reality that this is working sets in.

That said, at first, it’s an odd feeling watching your husband date and, in many ways, it’s cute seeing the man you have come to see as your rock get all weird and nervous because he didn’t understand the tone of a text or doesn’t know if it’s his turn to call or propose a next date or already worry about whether he should buy him a present for Christmas. Yes, it hurt a bit at first in unexpected ways that I still can’t believe, but we were very open about this as we each discovered that the hypothetical rulebook did not exactly overlay reality 100 percent. While it stung at first, that stinging was also balanced by a happiness for him as he was finally getting what he wanted as well and, for the first time, I really saw and felt what he had seen and felt a year before. Our “others” have become just part of our life, which was unexpected, I think, but there is not a night that goes by that he does not ask me “how is (insert his name here) today?” and, even more funny, is I know he truly means it and enjoys hearing about him as a person, as a boyfriend, as a father, and, even, as a husband to his wife. In turn, I always ask about his, though in truth we – – he, his husband, and I – have actually become friends, so I most always already know. We have found that it’s those little gestures that are just needed as way to continually remind each other that we indeed are still okay with exactly how it is and these gestures, like when my husband bought my boyfriend a small piece of art because it reminded him of him on our third month together, mean everything at the occasional time when you just need a check in to make sure the train is still on the track.

Surprisingly, I had never realized, nor thought about, how deep the level of intimacy in allowing the love of your life to go get naked elsewhere can actually feel. It’s the intense bond of trust and feeling of security at the very moment conventional logic tells you that you should be most insecure all coming together in a twisted way that just works in such an unconventional manner. It’s this intimacy, along with the communication that is absolutely essential in this situation, that frankly, has made my marriage and our “married sex” better, stronger, and more intense than it had ever been before and that was with just me having the other. Now, I hope, and feel, that it should only continue to excel as the giddy dater husband becomes the stable boyfriend husband, but time will tell that tale soon.

Finally, I don’t recommend this for everyone because all relationships are as different as they are bizarre. However, for anyone thinking about cracking open that door, my advice is to crack it slowly and with purpose and lay everything on the table before even peering around to the other side. Our way works for the hexagonal box that contains the six of us (spouses included) and we feel safe, secure, and happy in that box, but that does not guarantee success for anyone else ever.

So, for met friend, the reality us that it’s not the orgy you expected as it really is all about the trust, the communication, and the intimacy.

(and, well, yeah, the sex is pretty awesome too)

Exposing Axel

When you write a blog like this, it gets a bit sticky with giving too many personal details and then not enough at all. I am TERRIBLE at this if you follow me on Twitter because here I will, for whatever stupid reason, never mention my exact city but then post pictures of two or three things that are instantly recognizable or do something as stupid with verbiage, etc. There’s also a fine line about revealing too much about the people in your life too because certain facts link you further to the muggle world and then you sit back and realize that you are never going to run for political office and that it just, in most ways, doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of life, yet I tend to be over protective of Axel, Thumper, and the others who pop in and out of this virtual space.

I write all of this as more followup and more background on the events of the last two or three weeks because, during the discussions and ground rule setting about the Scotts, a few other issues surfaced that caused me to have a few minor, yet, significant trust issues with Axel. The first I wrote about here in my original post about honesty and an issue popped up with Axel that was small, but somewhat significant to me because its was a direct contradiction to the truth made during a conversation about the fact that as an open couple, we absolutely 110 percent had to say nothing but deep done and brutal honesty. What transpired after that conversation and post was a series, well, three, further reveals that were minor on the surface but caused me concern for multiple reasons. I feel like I should say that these items had absolutely nothing to do with the Scotts yet, at the same time, had everything to do with the Scotts.

By that, I mean, the past is the past and mistruths were told and, though I was hurt at the lack of omission, none of these were things I could be mad at because I understood the reasoning and the addictive need behind them. They also placed Axel into a box in my mind I didn’t want to see him in, and that upset me greatly, because I do not like seeing him weak and, even more so, vulnerable. But, as we embraced a new level of openness and, at the same time, were negotiating the terms of things like safe sex, time apart and others, any slight shadow of doubt began to paint everything in a weird light that wasn’t very flattering and didn’t make me want to allow the threesome to move forward, because, if absolute trust is not there, what the fuck kind of drama would we be having in six months.

All of these reveals were on the table via FaceTime and iMessage and I looked forward to getting home late Friday and starting a busy, yet relaxing weekend at home with him. Something was weird when I saw him though and I couldn’t put my finger on it, but decided to let it go until we went to bed then I asked again if there was something I didn’t know. He said “no, all is out” but had a tone that said otherwise so I pressed a bit more when he finally sat up straight in bed and said, “okay, you win, here is what is going on…”

I am stopping there not for the drama but more for a backstory so that it makes sense but this also ties into my opening about whether to say too much, too little, or nothing at all. I decided to disclose these things because they will factor into the story of Drew and Axel over the next year and, well, I continue to keep writing. That said, Axel was an athlete most of his life until his late 30’s when he developed arthritis in his hip on his right side which, by the time he was 40 had him needing a cane, yet he was still working out like a fiend. Joint replacement had become essential and there were two or three options on how to do it based on the level of activity he intended to have post surgery and each had their risks and benefits. His goal was to play again, so he went with a more complicated fusion type surgery that was a partial hip and thigh bone replacement made of some type of metal that about one person in one million develops and allergy to during their life, but this would make it possible for him to fall and be rough without worrying too much about breaking it. It was a complicated procedure that took seven plus hours and required five days in the hospital and then three months of rehab at home, but he got through it fine and the first year was great and he has the most kickass 17″ scar that is really sexy in its own way. During this time he had so much pain that he developed a comfort level with the narcotics that we both recognized as unhealthy and we weened them down, I hid them in the house, and all was fine

Then came year two and he started hurting and, if he did too much exercise and pushed too much fluid out of the joint, he would start literally squeaking which sounded like a witch’s fingernails on 1276 chalkboards. He slowed down, but all was normal according to the ortho people and they blamed the fact he had gained some weight and was just getting older (he was 43).

To cut this very long story short, his movement continued to decline, his pain continued rise, and his weight was not moving despite diet and exercise and the gain has been primarily in his ass which has given me the Kardashian I never wanted. I knew the pain was rough and knew he managed it the best he could, but what I did not know was that he was dipping into the pills a few more times than needed and had investigated other sources, and these have been most of the discoveries of the week. He’s hardly an addict as it’s been less than 35 pills over two years, but there is a psychological dependence on them he didn’t want to admit and this was what he was carrying around in addition to his reality star backside. Whether big or small, an addiction is still and addiction and this has to be dealt with properly, which, of all people, he thoroughly knows.

Again, cutting the story, this week, you know, the horrid week from hell, also just happened to be his three year checkup and I was able to get him to finally admit to the ortho that he hasn’t been as tough as he pretended to be and that something was wrong. So, tests were done, things were said, MRI’s and X-rays were taken and, at the end of the day, I wish he had played the lottery that week because he is that one in one million person and his blood levels have become toxic to the implant which has caused the swelling, i.e.: weight gain, the lethargy and, most importantly, the pain.

What comes next is some pain management therapy which may or may not include appropriate drug use which will be monitored by someone other than me and we are working this week with the ortho to coordinate his calendar, my calendar, and a build time for the new bone of sockets that takes a minimum of two months (I think Chris at Steelwerks could really build an awesome one, just an fyi), and Axel’s schedule and client load because he will be in rehab and unable to drive for a minimum of 12 weeks. So, realistically it’s looking like sometime in January which thrills Stella because he will have lots of bed time and blankets for her to cuddle in.

For us, this will likely curtail the kinky dynamic to a degree but I know he will continue to expect me locked which will be nice because I plan to ground myself and work from hime during most of whichever month this occurs. The good news here too though is that one of those unwritten benefits of an open marriage and him having two boyfriends is that they will get to help too and will have already seen him naked, which was the main drawback as to why most of our friends weren’t asked to hang out with us in the initial days after the first surgery.

So, that is my raw, naked week and while it has very little to do with an open marriage, Thumper, chastity or the like, I also wanted to disclose it to simply say that, because I fear I have left a negative mark on the openness of late and that is entirely not the intent and there was indeed a backstory added to the weirdness around the threesome. Make sense?

Tonight I think I will post some sort of scantily clad picture of me, one or two of Thumper’s metal penis, and maybe even a surprise or two just to get this blog back on happier times as I know you all miss delightful Drew probably as much as I do!

Honesty

I have no idea where to start with this.

First, every single person who plays a major role in my life right now has been in a weird mood. Myself included. While not really related in any way, we are all a bit too in our heads for our own good right now and it’s led to just a general funkiness that does not include a disco ball or glitter.  I am not worried about anyone really because we are all proven to pull out of these times – though it just sucks that we all hit it together.

For me, I have been almost downright angry at myself for having the feelings I have had about Axel and the, now to be known as, the Scotts (nobody thought they were “Kevin like” enough to keep that title). I am not really ready to go into where things stand with that at the moment but I am trying really hard to not let my insecurities negatively impact the threesome. With this, what we have come to realize is that Ax and I spent years laying out how it would work if he or I had a boyfriend, what we’d want, how we’d function and what we’d expect from one partner, or even two separate ones if the time and penis function allowed. When I met Thumper, Ax and I pulled out our rule book, applied every section to the individual aspects of the relationship, and Thump and I proceeded down the road of nakedness and sex with little, if any, bad feelings at or about home being in the way.

When Axel met the Scotts, it was originally just the Junior Scott (the younger one – they are actually physically both taller and as broad as me) and we took out the rule book and flipped the tab to the “Drew’s Expectations” chapter and immediately applied the rules and discussed the plan. Then, Senior Scott was introduced with the intention of being an equal side of that triangle and we continued down the structured path we had applied to just Junior.  It worked fine. For about an hour. That’s when it didn’t work and, as I type this, we are still negotiating and talking and I know we will work this out, but it’s not something that is going to happen overnight. The complicating factor here is that when I met them at dinner the other night, we clicked as a foursome. Not sexually a foursome, though frankly I would love to see them naked, but immediately as that couple we’d love to one day years from now rent a beach home with for a month and just have the best time ever. Frankly, that has never happened to us and these two men are just as adorable as men can get both as individuals and as a couple. It would have been so fucking easy if I hated them or didn’t like them, but, that’s not the case so we will continue to find a path to make it work.

I say these things as an update more so than as any type of solution, breakthrough, or discovery but also as part of the honesty I have tried so hard to portray right now as part of the inside of a recently opened marriage. Not one single feeling I have had over the last week has led me to even have one thought or regret about opening it, because, even this has made Axel and I closer because it’s made us talk, it’s made us listen, and it’s made us be brutally honest with each other about several feelings and factors that are part of our lives including my travel, an undisclosed indiscretion on his part, our couple goals and, of course, my relationship with Thumper – which, once again, Axel fully supports, encourages, and enjoys, especially now that he knows more details of it.

The key word in here though is honesty, as I do not think an open relationship would flourish if one primary partner was not honest with the other primary partner about everything on the table. For me and Axel, we tend to repeat a story to each other and will often find ourselves leaving out a word here, a comment there, or a remark over yonder in an effort to either shield each other from the brutal realities of said item or, most likely, just to not have to deal with any possible repercussion that might arise from it. We agreed to stop this and, during this conversation I asked about something little and was told “no, not discussed” to then see a text when we were doing something together on his Mac that not only indicated the issue had been discussed but that it was done prior to the time I was told it wasn’t (fyi, the text popped up, we were sitting together, I wasn’t looking). Now, the subject at hand was very minor, the issue was something he just didn’t want to deal with, and the issue never would have even arisen had the timing not been what it was, but, right there, we had a teachable moment that just hurt my feelings more than anything else. This was not by what was said, but by the slight lack of judgement that Axel had shown and it just made me really hone in hard that we will have ground rules and they will be followed. No option.

If I told you what the issue really was you would laugh because it was that minor and this sounds so ominous, but it was a vehicle for he and I to sit down, yet again, and look each other in the eye and ask “are you okay with this?”. For the Drew and Thumper show, the answer was an unequivocal “yes”. For Axel and the Scotts, the answer was “I don’t know yet” but that is something that will be sorted out over the next few days and I am 99 percent certain it will be fine.

Again, these are petty things but petty things turn into big things and our intention is to keep that from happening when and if possible. I understand that in situations like this there will always be emotions that are technically unjustified, but that is just what it is, and, frankly, the jealousy that has popped up the last week or two has been rectified by some pretty awesome sex and just general naked cuddly time. Since we have never been two who argued or fought, we have never really had make up sex and this has been a nice little side attraction to diminish some of the drama that we have imposed on ourselves.

Over the next few days I will update this saga and the who blew who details, but for now, just know that, even through the chaos of honesty, jealousy, and horniness, the primary bond is strong if not stronger.

Dear Thumper, Mom says Hi, Again

This morning I had one of those really nice visits with the parents that just made me laugh the whole time, while also wondering if my mother is seriously a bit psychic. We all know that I think either my mother knows about me and Thumper somehow or just has a really weird, open minded sixth sense.

My mother has been mentally spot on of late thanks to a new medicine, so I sat with her and my father on their patio listening to them discuss how if Carly Fiorino really wanted to destroy Planned Parenthood that she should just apply to be their CEO and “HP them” and, then, suddenly she said, “How is your friend and his wife? I was discussing their open marriage with the lady at rehab last week (i.e.: physical therapy) and she was very impressed, I thought, and then she said she’d pray for them, which, you know, made me just decide to leave because at my age I have no time left for ignorance”. Before I could even answer she was back on Carly and, like usual when this particular subject comes out of the air, I sat there a bit dumbfounded wondering what the hell I should do or say. It didn’t come back up for a bit and we had moved on to the really, really serious subject about how what one woman I don’t know said about another woman I don’t know and then how they both fought over a man I don’t know which either occurred yesterday or some time in 1973. Who knows.

Then, it went right back to “Please tell him I said hello and that I hope he is well”. So, from that spot in left field I tweeted Thump and she was amazed when he tweeted right back. I even showed it to her

Though, as that thought provoking subject matter died, she then just said, “What is going on with Axel? When he was here Friday night to get Stella, he looked better than I have seen him in years. Maybe even ever. He was happy, relaxed, and just had a spring in his step I haven’t seen since, well, in a long time”. As if that wasn’t bad enough, my normally mute on any emotional issue father just started whole hearted agreeing with everything she was saying. Good lord, that’s not a blow to my ego at all, huh? (still sensitive there – lol)

She kept asking what had changed with him? work stress less? emotional clients less demanding? and then, she said the worst thing ever which caused my Dad to immediately leave to go find a tool or something, “was, you know what, good this week since you were home?”. Holy fuck, not since she asked me if I were top or bottom 20 years ago was there this level of awkwardness.

I didn’t know what to say other than “Yes, Mom, he’s had a very nice week” to which she then replied, “Well, I would have thought you would have looked happier today too”, I winced as she then said “That damn job of yours. I know it’s just so draining, but we are so proud of you both.”

Fuck. At least she didn’t ask about the Kevins directly.

The Other Side of the Open Door

Me again. I have been home about 18 hours and life as a fully open couple isn’t much different than life was when we were just halfway open. It’s weird, but we each slept on the same side of the bed we used to, Axel still liked the gray towel and I still liked the white one, and the applewood wood bacon that comes straight from God, via Costco, tasted the same amazing way too. Who’d have thought that, huh?

There are still those feelings that will pop in just a minute or two every couple of hours and they have to be dealt with, but they don’t worry me anymore like they did a few days ago because now, now that “it” happened, I know that it’s not anything that is going to cause any trouble, but it was enough that I thought I should write about it anyway.

However, first, breaking news, I spotted the couple, who I have decided to just call them Kevin and Kevin, a bit ago when Axel and I were at a street fair that has encompassed my neighborhood today. I said “spotted” like I was on a hunt of some sort and in reality, it was via Axel tapping me on the shoulder and saying “there they are, THERE” as he pointed toward a group of gay men in tank tops all with perfect hair despite the fact that there are literally 75,000 people in a two block area and that it’s 90 something degrees today (I looked like a horse that needed to be put down by then). We knew they were going to be there but they were with family from out of town, so Axel and the Kevins had already discussed that if we saw each other, great, but if not, we would not force a meeting in front of strangers (translation: Axel knows I am short tempered and pissy when hot and in crowds, so he didn’t want to risk me being an inadvertent ass to his boyfriends), though we did offer to let them park in our driveway. Anyway, there they were. In living flesh. Luckily for me in my dead looking horse state, they were way across the street holding nephews or borrowed children or something, so we didn’t have that sweaty hot greeting. They did not see us, but I saw them and, though cute, I found some strange satisfaction in realizing I was in better shape than they were. Petty I know, but I own it. But, from just watching them and having heard about them, they seem to be two really good chaps and, for Axel, I hope this works out as well as it has with me and my boyfriend.

All of that out of the way, I wanted to go back to my two posts this week about my side of the open door and discuss discussing the other side of open. When I started writing those posts, they were from my gut and were quite cathartic in many ways, so I am very glad that I wrote them as they helped me deal with things and also helped both Axel and Thumper see more into why I was acting like I was or more about how I saw things (btw, I asked Axel to read each of those as I do when something is there I feel he should see). What I didn’t realize when I started that is that I was essentially writing from a perspective of an open couple that many people don’t get to see. This means that I talked about the negotiations, the hurt feelings, and the actual, real life, somewhat stark realization that you are not all that your partner needs.

Ferns, my Australian girlfriend, left a comment on the first of the two posts that said:

I don’t see that many non-monogamous folks talk all that honestly about these complicated feelings. In fact what I mostly see is that everything is ‘great!’ and ‘fine!’ until suddenly it’s a big mess of jealousy and hurt and serious consequences and there is no insight into how that came about.

As usual, she was spot on, so that made me feel better about having laid it all out there then, and even now and over the next few weeks as this continues to evolve. I will continue to do that because it is what it is, and I refuse to just tell you that all is shiny and wonderful while still not 100 percent sure in my mind that it is.

Having said that, I would say that last week when I wrote the posts, I was at a 65 percent “I really am okay with this” place on post one and an 80 percent or so place when I wrote post number two. Today, as I sit here and type, I am likely at a 97 or even 98 percent place in my head and now find myself looking forward to what is going to evolve and how the Kevins are going to fit into Axel’s life primarily but into mine as well. I say that now through a bit more negotiation and thought in my head and was really moved by Thumper’s post yesterday but especially by this paragraph:

I never thought about openness with Belle because early on my feelings for her were such that I didn’t want anyone else. Saw no point in anyone else. There was no room inside me for anyone else. Now that’s changed. Luckily, we still have a connection and I still want her and need her in my life, but we’re both fundamentally different.

When I read that, I realized one immediate thing and one not so immediate thing. The first is that some of what I was grappling with the last week was a feeling that Axel and I had “let each other down” in a sense by NOT being everything each other needed. Rational Drew realized that one can’t be all to everyone and that this is indeed okay and he’s proud to be married to someone that understands that too, but irrational Drew felt slightly ashamed, slightly embarrassed, and slightly angry that he could not be it all for Axel (though it was perfectly fine that Axel couldn’t be it all for him). These thoughts had nothing to do with the Kevins or with Thumper, but they were the catalysts that fueled them, and I know now that those were the “things” I mentioned last week that I just could not put the right words on the screen to describe the actual sensation, most likely because I was in a place that was too raw for me to have completely silenced irrational Drew. I refuse to say Thumper used magic words, but what he did was cause the “moment” where the realization met reality and I am very happy to have that past me now because, it is, indeed changed from when we first partnered, while in our 20’s, and this open state is really some intense growth that has taken place for both of us as a couple and most likely was and is needed for our long term survival as a duo.

The second realization involves jealousy and the understanding that the jealousy I was, and still slightly am, feeling isn’t the fact that “Kevin is doing my man”, but it’s the excitement that Axel suddenly has in his world. He has that “young and stupid in lust” look and talk and I’m not the one causing that or being involved in that, so I think that is where the fourth wheel comment came from. And, at the same time, while not to the extent that Axel had, Thumper also had/has a renewed “energy” about Frodo and, god dammit, I couldn’t relate to that either. It was a double whammy of bad timing. However, as I realized yesterday again, it wasn’t (and isn’t) about the people at all, just the energy surrounding the activity and I had inadvertently let my ego be pretty wildly deflated by the Kevins and the Frodo and, in retrospect it was silly, but a human reaction so I also own that. I was honest with both Thump and Axel about this last night and simply told them that I was in a deflated place and asked them to keep that in mind and that if there is anything they could do to help me boost it, I would be appreciative. I know that is like saying “I am about to come out in a pretty dress so make sure you tell me how amazing and thin I look in it”, but, as I have told you, these two are alike in how they notice and react to things, so I just decided to put it out there instead of waiting to see if it went away or what. Oh, and before the comments start, yes, I know my ego will come back on its own and yes, I know I have plenty to have a boosted ego about, but this is just one of those inside the relationship and friendship moments that the outside world cannot affect.

Of course, turn about is fair play, and I absolutely see that a year ago I was giddy over meeting the rabbit and he was me too. Axel had his ego bruised during that period too, and while I knew it then, now I really know it, so I am going to be doing some reverse ego mending too. He got through it and I certainly will, but in this case, both sides of the door look the same and they are a nasty color that does not go with anything else in our home. So, like the ugly figurine his mother once gave us for Christmas, it wont be allowed to last long in this house at all.

Now, from the door itself, which I assume would be my home with Axel, all is well in the House of Drew tonight and it’s just going to get better (also because Kershaw pitches tonight too).

110 Percent Honesty – Part One

Axel has a date tonight. With a couple.

There. That’s out. Over and done.

Actually, while that is true, the build up toward tonight’s date for him has created a rather raw week as we have examined emotions, feelings, thoughts, and, mostly, irrational thinking on both our parts. You see, Axel is the one who wanted to open us up about three or four years ago. He brought up the subject. We discussed our points of view on it. And he went out actively looking and I set about somewhat, at the time, passively looking. Both of us fully believed that he would be the first one with a “significant side guy” and we were equally shocked when a year ago, right about now, I met Thumper and you all know where that is. In this time he has had two little “things”, one being a 3 event “thing” with a mutual friend who he found out he really didn’t like and one mutual jack off with a person I would describe as my absolute and complete nemesis, professionally and personally. When that happened, I was never mad at the act, though I was very mad at the lack of judgement and maybe, just maybe that has led to some of the feelings this week.

Axel and I have two very different personalities and in the rules of our extra engagement that became clear. At the time, he did not want to know much about the person I was with, wanted no details about the exchanges, and only asked that I let him know if and when something was going on. I, on the other hand, wanted to know everything. I promised I would not interfere, but I do not like the unknown and as a sufferer of some severe anxiety throughout my life, the wonder about what is happening would kill me much faster than the actual details, most of which I would not mind hearing about anyway if it made him happy. So, that is how we ended the plan years ago.

When I met Thumper, Axel kept his hands off approach the entire time and never pushed, never asked, and I didn’t tell because that is what I thought he wanted. As a few weeks went by, he started asking more questions and ultimately, the night after the first time I was all naked and with Thumper, he asked for certain details and I told him. As a few weeks progressed, Thumper and I had talked about him more in the context of me and Belle and some general stuff and then one day I got a text from Thumper saying something like “FYI, I just friended Axel of Facebook”, which was immediately followed by Axel texting saying “FYI, Thumper just friended me on Facebook, what do you want me to do?“. I thought it was surprising but fine and this electronic relationship led to one or two chats and some business together via a third party they each knew, but they have never exchanged physical words (though I just want that to happen one day to see Thump’s reaction to his accent). Where we stand now is that Thumper is a daily part of our conversations and Axel follows his very thorough Facebook feed because, by doing so, he learns more about him and never has to go to a news website or entertainment one, because Thump pretty much shares anything that he feels the educated world needs to see, and that’s perfect for both of us.

I mention all of that because of a few things. That veiled social media connection made things very fuzzy in my head when it came to Belle and Frodo because, well, I just didn’t know if or how that kind of “flow” could or should only go one way. But, that is not the point of anything now other than to say that it’s just made me wonder if they needed to know me in the same way Axel knows Thumper and, I kind of wanted that for that inner need I have for approval because I want them, in theory, to see more than the stories about what I do to Thump and to know that I am a good man who cares for him and would never do anything to hurt either him or them. Belle knows this by now, I assume, both because of the time and history that has now taken place and purely because she is one of the greatest women alive because of her mindset toward things. Another factor in this feeling happened this last week and, being 110 percent honest here, in the first few hours after Thumper told me what he did with Frodo, I immediately saw Frodo as a threat to something, not really me and Thumper, but just something I cannot explain. It was just a feeling in the sense that he had known Thump for 35 years, knows Belle, knows his family, etc and, again, in those few hours I felt almost like a cast aside mistress condemned to the condo her executive bought her to “keep” her in silence. However, when rational Drew who wasn’t exhausted by a surprise trip kicked back in, I realized that Frodo is no threat to me in ANY SINGLE WAY because he and Thump want something else, do something else, and what I do to, for, and with Thump sexually is not something in his wheelhouse (I hate that term) and that is never going to change. So, I breathed, I thought, I talked to Thumper, and I didn’t worry any more about that and thought, in my mind, writing a blog post about being okay with things and saying hi to Frodo would seal that deal. And, for me it did. But, I feel like I owed a deeper explanation after talking with the rabbit a bit more in the days since, so that is why I write the above. As for them knowing I am the good guy and junk, that is Thumper’s business and his job to convey that should it ever be questioned. So, for now, that’s not a single factor in my mind anymore and I hope it won’t be again.

So, during the same period as that, Axel met a guy who wanted a Daddy type figure in his life and, given that the guy was younger, cute as a puppy in tall grass, and seems to be very intelligent, Axel was all on that idea. So was I. Then, it shifted a bit because, we always knew this fellow was married, but it turns out that his husband wants the same thing, and they have essentially asked Axel to consider being their third. Now, going back to the fact I wanted to know all of the details, Axel was telling me this and I was okay with it. However, at the beginning of this week, I started having just bizarre feelings of jealousy, a feeling of being left out, and, well, just having a general cloud over me that, unfortunately also floated over Axel because of the way the wind in our house flows. In my head, I had been and continued to be fine with him seeing “a boyfriend” but two was something I had never thought about and this really played out in my head very funny. On top of this, my need to know everything and to know them kicked in, and I made a spectacle out of myself trying to think about asking that I meet and approve them with Axel, then that went to just me being home the first time when they fuck so I could physically see and be seen when he got home and could see with my own eyes that things were okay, to finally just saying “I trust you and do what you need to do”. I said that because I talked to Thumper about this and he told me I was being an idiot. Actually, he told me my feelings were very valid and that me opening up about these things very much helped him see more into why I thought me, him, Belle and Frodo could all play Uno of Friday nights together, but he also told me that, in his opinion, I was being highly unfair to Axel and that I was adding a layer of bureaucracy on top of his outside relationship that he did not dare even mention or attempt to mention back when I met Thump and in the days since, so, yet again, he was right.

After that I texted Axel that all was good and that he should go with his gut and then, in some form of penance, went and locked the Steelheart on, shoved a plug in my ass, and told him that I would be here when he got home later (a rare fact on a Tuesday). When he got home, we were both in good moods, smiling, talking and then he stood up, told me to follow him upstairs to the bedroom and strip and he then unplugged me and fucked me like he had not done in 18 years before coming, locking the plug back in place, and then walking out to go to his client while I sat there stunned, chaste, and plugged again. It was really something just incredibly fun and made every bit of the sub inside of me happy until the text came about five minutes later that reengaged my Dom side when it said “I took your spare key and you will also notice a plug missing and it’s where you think it is. When I get home tonight, Dom Drew comes out when I unlock you and you are going to fuck me like you have never done before. Love you. Oh, if you go to Target, we are out of toothpaste” (he tries, he really tries).

This is getting long and I have a flight to catch, so stay tuned for Part II coming soon to this blog. Spoiler alert, Axel gets fucked, schedules a date with his potential boyfriends, and Drew gets weird again.

To be continued…

A Switch Within A Switch + Kink Power

To continue on a bit from my previous post where I discussed the evolution of my sexuality, the last few weeks have been an interesting study in how I am dealing with my switch side as well and what I have learned. If I could sum it up neatly with a little bow on top I would say something along the lines of that I have learned that I am a switch within a switch, but there is nothing neat and clean about that statement at all, so I can’t say that.

What I have discovered is that I have become adept at playing both sides even within the prescribed roles I have with my partner. In many ways, over the last year I have discovered that what I have called my sub side is really just me having a vehicle in which to express and learn both sides of my kinkiest thoughts and fantasies. When I am in a submissive position, while I may love every single thing that is going on, my mind never really “clicks” in gear with that role like I see what happens with Thumper.

I understand this because, with him, my brain clicks to that dominant part of my sexuality in a way that I sometimes have to stop or pace myself with him before I go too far too fast, which is something he has to do on the submissive side as well. In that sexual pairing, at that certain time, we are right for each other like two sides of the puzzle and I enjoy every single ounce of power I have over him while inflicting pain, enacting uncomfortable positions, or using him sexually like an object whose only reason for being there is for my use, my pleasure, and to be nothing but a receptacle for my pain I want to give him. But, where the switch within a switch comes in is that when we are done with that aspect of our relationship, whether it being for an hour or a month, I take on what would typically be a more submissive role in that I just want him to be happy, comfortable, and to have a good time when we are together by allowing, no, basically asking that he take on the role of the planner, the restaurant chooser, and the keeper of the remote. I used to think this was because I was always in his city, his guest so to speak, and that is some of it I am sure, but as we have gotten naked in other places this year, that same pattern follows. With him, I am both the occasionally annoying sappy boyfriend who sometimes just wants to hear a voice and know if the day was good or bad and the dominant boyfriend who sometimes just wants to hear nothing but whines and screams out of his gagged mouth with little or no care as to what he is thinking at that exact moment because it’s about me.

It’s odd when you step back and think about it, but it works for us, sometimes better than others, but as we progress toward the climax of our first year together, it’s getting easier for both of us to be each role when required. When this started, I used to rather beat myself up at times for having that sappy side, because fuck buddies don’t have that (although I have since learned that some do), but I have relaxed that feeling of “guilt” now in many ways because the newness of us has melted into more of just “an us” routine along with the realization that that sappy guy is just who I am, be it with my husband, my boyfriend, my best friend, my neighbor, or the guy who lives in a box a block from my house. I am just the guy that wants to know those in my life are happy, where they are supposed to be, and really hope that every time we finish a communication that they can smile and feel good about what just happened. I think this just fucking god damn means that I am a sappy, nice guy and if you are in my life you are just going to have to deal with it. Period. No guilt or apologies and no more beating myself up either.

Now, on to Axel and the switchiness that is taking place with us.

With him, what I have learned is that I love him having control of my cock and my orgasms but, for me, that is less about being a submissive to him and more about giving him a gift that he enjoys having as a form of a tribute to him for our many, many years together and for all the amazing things he has given to me through the years, including the ability to have a boyfriend on the side. Unlike many of my locked friends in a same sex scenario, when he unlocks me it is because he is ready to be fucked or to play with my penis – on his terms- (at least initially) and I enjoy that tremendously as I turn into a top man instantly with the click of that lock – including sometimes flipping the switch to his submissive side. While it is somewhat about orgasm control, I don’t think we will ever go to the long term denial place because that simply doesn’t do it for him (or our current life). Though, if he does want that, I realize that it’s not my choice since it comes with the gift I gave. Though I say that knowing it will never really be that long of a term because I have an automatic pass for my time with Thumper and that comes every four to six weeks already (except the next visit which we are having a dandy of a time trying to get scheduled between our calendars). That said, whether I am technically his sub or some other term, what this has allowed Axel and I to do is to get our kink on like no other time in the past. He feels kink power* because I have his metal on and in my penis and I feel kink power just having it there, so as we allow ourselves to channel that, we now find ourselves sitting at a kinky table with everything on it just ready for us to grab, touch, fondle, and abuse (can you just envision that table?? the one is my mind is either black leather or rubber and has most of of the Mr S. stockroom laid out on it and Thumper locked to it with his ass up in the air).

For me, even though I don’t like to usually admit this, I am absolutely thrive in competition and have a drive that will knock whoever out of my way without remorse if that means I will get the better seat, prize, or lane (that is an extreme example btw, I do give in occasionally). While my entire career is based on this and always has been, I realized that I was missing this at home because Axel never challenged me on anything and I would take advantage of that fact often, just because. So, as a way of embracing our kinks, over the last few weeks, Axel and I have been working on a point system for rewards such as massages, foods, orgasm passes, and more for kinky tasks like carrying a plug for a period of hours a week, spending an extra hour or two in the gym that week, a spanking, time spent in some type of severe bondage, or sexually perverse pictures sent from time to time through the week and, occasionally, posted on Twitter. There really is no punishment clause for us, unlike when I play a similar game with Thumper, because failing to reach the reward is enough mental anguish to me that a beating would not provide. Axel is both learning to accept a more dominant part of his personality in setting these weekly goals and embracing some of his kinky fantasies that I have to admit I never knew he had. When my Steelwerks device comes, the device he prescribed and he paid for (two important facts for him – well, both of us), I suspect we will see these things escalate where we might go down an even kinkier path, but we are no longer going to start forecasting that now, because that is what has tripped us up each and every time we have tried in the past (and, fyi, I think you will know why I feel I have to say this, but the last two weeks I have BLOWN past both my goals, just sayin’).

So, this is getting too long and is likely where I need to stop this as it’s getting repetitive, but to close it up, I can’t really believe I am at this place in life because I am happier with my kinky mind than I think I have ever been and feel great satisfaction in knowing that between both Axel and Thumper and our “activities” combined with some of my new gear, I see myself on a nice kinky path while holding the hands of some great new friends at the same time.

Oh, and KINK POWER.

*This just seems like a phrase that should be in bold. Just because. 

Drew and the Vaginas

Over the last year,  I think there has not been a week that has gone by that I have not evolved a wee bit in my sexuality or in my viewpoints about the sexuality of others. Though he has directly been responsible for much of this evolution, I am not contributing all of this to Thumper, but enough to call his role extremely significant. The rest has come through this blog and my Twitter fun as I have met a few great people in person via that but, with a few more, I feel like I have just amazing friends out there who I am just waiting to meet someday. I get around so it will happen. I hope. It’s through all these eyes that mine have been opened more and more and when I sit back and think about where I am now, I can only think that it’s just a great “place” to be living my life.

With that, two things are on my mind this week: My switchiness and vaginas. Yes, I said vagina.

Since I am there, let’s start with a talk about vaginas and my new less adverse reaction to the idea of them. Now we all know the double gold star shit so I am not going through that again, but if you read Denying Thumper and this post, you know that last week I sat around with one very much confirmed bisexual man, you know, my boyfriend that I have sex with, and another heteroflexible man, who I am determined to become his new gay best friend (because every mostly straight guy should have one), listening to them go on and on and on about the wonderfulness of pussy and what they like to do to, with, and in them. This was an experience that was absolutely new to me and, the Drew from a year ago, would have mentally cupped his ears and sang something really gay like “I Will Survive” in his head over and over again until they stopped, but the new Drew didn’t. I listened. I questioned. I envisioned. And, in doing so, I realized I was no longer as pussy-phobic – which is fine, but that shit had to stop right there.

Fast forward a few days and I was in my hotel room doing my typical evening of multitasking which involves ironing, eating, baseball on the Apple TV, texting with those I adore, and either working, perving, or learning via my Macbook. This particular night was a pervy one, so I found myself Tumbling on Thumper’s portfolio and came across this picture that, well, rather excited me. My head was screaming at me like “WTF dude” while my dick, who at the time was safely locked away in a steel tube, was trying to rise to the occasion like he has just seen a troop of naked firemen walking through his bedroom. I did not know what to do because, as dumb as it might sound, in 45 years that had never happened. Not once. Sure I looked at the the Playboys hidden in the woods with my friends growing up, but what they didn’t know was I had found the one and only naked picture of a man in each magazine and had focused my energy there which allowed me to avoid speculation (though it was later pointed out that my lack of the use of the word “titties” was a significant clue for my best friend at the time). I was confused. I was perplexed. I was scared. So, like any good boyfriend would do, I immediately texted Thumper for comfort and words of support because clearly, clearly with this one image I was now bisexual or something and I would do nothing but scare Axel if I sent that filth to him.

Being his boyfriendly self, Thump immediately texted back with something soothing like “which picture was it?“, you know, like THAT was the crisis at hand here. I sent it to him and he came back with other supporting words like “that one will do it” and then tweeted all about my personal penile betrayal as he clearly didn’t understand how awful this arousal was for me. Admittedly, the tweets did turn to about how funny it would be to all the people who thought I was turning him gay if he turned me bisexual and, well, I have to admit that would be pretty funny, though, for the record, it hasn’t happened.

Once the shock was over and the nightmare averted, I started thinking that what this weirdness did was cause me to really take a hard look, pun intended, at the fact that, in the grand scheme of sexuality, it’s been a very foolish thing for me to have had such a closed mind about female sexuality and the, apparently, beautiful things women can do with their lady parts. I admit to now having a much greater curiosity about what it would be like to have sex with a woman and, while I still have zero interest in doing so, I have to tell you that I think I would be awful at it even if I got past my initial squee’d out reaction. I say this based purely on my sexual interactions with Thumper and how we go about things. He is gentle, kind, and has a light touch that I have never felt with another man which usually causes me to say “harder, faster, rougher” leaving him saying something like “that’s just what I am used to”. For me, when I am doing something as simple as rubbing his shoulders or legs, I look over to see a contorted face of pain because I am squeezing the living hell out of him which is how I have always done it with every man I have been with and, apparently, this is not how Belle does it. Even an act as simple as kissing has a difference as he has taught me how to be lighter, better, and more gentle which is one of several things Axel appreciates me doing differently throughout the past year.

While what I have described above sounds like it’s a bad blooper reel of gay sex gone wrong, it’s not like that at all in the reality and you have read those posts to prove that. But, it does show give he and I have a chance that many don’t, which is to be able to take very intimate look into the other side of sexuality and the inner workings of things like touch, taste, time and learn from it to make us each better partners to our primaries. For me, I have been wasting that view by immediately moving it to the weird place in my mind that blocked such thoughts or images and I am going to stop that and allow myself to learn and grow for me and the two who I have the privilege of seeing naked often.

So, that’s it for the vaginas part and it went longer than I expected, so I have decided to do a follow up post later today about my new switch revelations and how that has almost completely evolved from where I started, especially as Axel now takes a bit more control of the penis I carry around.

Stoopid Questions

Good day all. I have seven meetings today with 45 minutes of down time in the middle, so I decided to pop off a quick little post about what is on my mind this morning – stupid questions. Although now that I have used the phrase “pop off” my mind has gone elsewhere, but, none the less, about those questions.

We have talked incessantly about the mean comments, the bigoted comments, and the simply wonderful comments, but this is aimed specifically at most people who are not actually reading me or Thumper because, well, they just couldn’t be if they ask such things. Some of these questions come from the Twitter where people see one thing and then send a message which I typically delete, but most of them come from Recon or Fetlife where I have profiles that essentially describe my weirdly wonderful life in a nutshell and then point the reader toward this and Thumper’s blog. I don’t mind them at all, but sometimes I have to show restraint when and if I answer because, well, you will see.

That said, the inspiration for this post came from a lovely gentleman this morning who said and asked:

“Drew, love the locking curved barbell. Can it get wet or do you have to take it out every time you piss?”

I didn’t answer him but did put it on Twitter to, well, just because. Think about that, dude.

A few days ago I got one that clearly shows why I am weeping for the reading comprehension levels in America if this is indeed true. It said something like:

“Drew, I have read almost every page of yours and Thumper’s blogs. It’s all great, but what are you two going to do when his wife finds out you fuck him?”

I can see how he could be confused because neither of us have ever talked about Belle and whether or not she knew about me. Never.

Every page? My ass. I did have to laugh though because nobody is ever concerned about Axel. That said, because of this websites these are mostly coming from gay men, so they know how to deal with a partner but the idea of a woman being involved, in ANY degree, is just so foreign that they lose all their sensibilities I guess. But Axel is fine too, btw.

“When you and Thumper break up, will you find another sub and do you want him locked in chastity by his wife too?”

Thanks for the vote of confidence on me and Thump and, yes, should we ever decide to not partake in what we do now, I will certainly choose from the plethora of locked married men who want a dick in them once a month or so. Surely they’d come running. But, never you worry, I don’t think we will have to address this question in real life.

There have been many more of these and I just have not paid that much attention, though I certainly will from now on because it’s kinda fun to write.

But, I think my favorite one came as a direct response to this blog a month or so ago and said:

“I am very jealous of you and Thumper. I have read so much and seen his pictures for years and just wondered if you could tell me if his penis is as nice in person as it is online?”

That one I did respond to with a simple, “dunno, when he is with me he doesn’t have one”.

Fellow bloggers, do you get the stupid ones too or is this just another example of how special I am?