Comfort

I have learned that comfort is my new key word.

I am rather shocked by this fact; however, I am very happy with it.

First, comfort with Axel.

One thing I have not mentioned here is our mutual friend, Griffin, who I introduced back in January, and Axel have become close and have started down a path of friendship that I suspect is one that is paved with nothing but smooth asphalt. Axel admires him greatly, as do I, and I know that they have talked about him mentoring Axel as a Dom. This, of course, will also involve him helping Axel learn more about me, about how, when, and why I might need control and, most importantly, what to do about it.

Last Friday night when I got home from a trip, we were laying in bed talking and he started talking about Griffin, some of their conversations and how he was really very excited about the possibilities that could lead for him, and for me, as one component of this would surely be me having a session or two with Griffin and then likely being cuckolded in a situation between them. This scenario is a long way out and maybe just a fantasy thought in my/our head at the moment, but, what struck me in that moment was the fact that were were just laying there having that discussion like we were talking about how his car needs to be detailed. In fact, I was very turned on by this fact, even more so than with the conversation topic, thought that did spark some action in my metal spiked region.

He went to sleep and I laid there just basking in the comfort of this conversation, of how he is with Thumper and how the bunny is now almost a daily conversation in our relationship, and with just life. That basking just led to more arousal, and I just had to wake Axel up to show him. It was the right thing to do and I didn’t care if he had a sleep Saturday or not.

Second, comfort with Thumper.

As I write this, I am sitting in just a jockstrap and a T-shirt waiting on Thumper to use his key and walk into my hotel room. We tend to have two one half day visits and this will be the morning that follows the afternoon we had yesterday. If you follow us on Twitter, you will know that yesterday we had some delicious fun that I am quite hoping repeats itself this morning,  although since he greeted me this morning with a text that so eloquently said “You made my butt hole sore” (he’s poetic, that Rabbit) I may have to aim my fire elsewhere. The sex was good. Frankly, the best we have had together. He may or may not write about it, but the sheer greatness to me (well, one of the greatnesses as he does have an ass that doesn’t, well, never mind) was the comfort involved.

By that, I mean that he and I have settled into a pattern now where we have solved all of those teenage angst issues like whether or not our spouses approved, which hotel in town has the sexiest carpet to be fucked on, or who was going to bring which plug to the party, you know, the usual issues the newly intertwined face. Seriously, when I was flying here yesterday I realized that I didn’t have the pre-visit butterflies anymore, that it didn’t matter when he got to me, or the worry that we would not have anything to talk about. It just works now, for what it is, and for that, I am very thankful for the comfort.

It was funny too because last night we went to dinner, an act that Belle insisted he make as to be the perfect host, and were talking about that fact and the fact that Axel had actually texted me a “have fun today” message shortly after I arrived. It made me just say out loud to him that “we just are married to the absolute best people in the world, aren’t we?”, to which he raised his glass and we had a small toast in their honor. That is comfort, my friends.

Third, comfort with me.

Over the last few months you have all watched me evolve a bit and I am very proud of myself for how I have. I have found comfort in being monoga-mish and very much look forward to Axel developing something on the side with the right person himself so he can see the freedom and energy it allows. I am way better to him because of my time, and friendship, with Thumper so maybe I am just selfish and look forward to that for me too.

I am very comfortable with the fact that he now officially controls my penis and that soon it will be locked in steel for him every day of the year I am not with Thumper. I love this fact, actually, and now that I am wearing his cock ring 24/7, I am finding more and more peace with that every time I see it, feel it, or pull his pierced cock out of my pants.

Also, I am finding comfort in having further embraced my kinky self and in starting to mix my muggle and blogging selves into one at a few, specialized, occasions in life. Last week I met a Twitter follower and loved that. In a few weeks I am meeting my Domme idol Ferns, on the other side of the world, and cannot wait for that because I look forward to sharing real names, whole pictures, and actual facts because it is what I have realized all makes me who I am – the complete mix of husband, professional, son, brother, and kinkster all in one.

In addition to the two above, Axel and I have also developed a real friendship with another couple who are, get this, straight-ish, and have enjoyed getting to know the real them in addition to the fact that are very similar in progress and desires to us in a D/s relationship. We have enjoyed long chats on, another get this, Facebook, real Facebook, that have mixed in discussions of what should go up the husband’s ass and when while also talking about how one of their children did at the swim meet or how my mother’s dementia was doing this week. And, by the way, I will meet at least half of this couple tomorrow and cannot wait as it’s just more of my “coming out all over again” tour. There is only good that can come out of this and I am very excited about the possibilities of friendship here as the four of us are all fascinating people. (fyi, I have asked them to choose their blogger names they’d like me to use here, so I will re-introduce you soon)

More soon, but for today, comfort is the word of that day (except for, perhaps, Thumper and that butt hole issue).

The Un-Authorized Spilling of Seed

Hello from the other side of the world.

Literally.

It’s rather lonely on this side of the planet (despite it being the homeland of my favorite Domme, Ferns) as most everyone I love in the world is home sleeping to wake up to the day I am just ending. That is still one of the strangest things about this gig to me, to know that I really only share about seven hours of a day with Axel.

As you know, I have had the luxury of a travel break during the last six weeks, or at least long travel, and I had no idea how hard this trip would hit me physically and emotionally.

Physically, I think I caught some sort of stomach bug the day I left that, unfortunately, hit me about two hours before the long flight ended and stayed with me most of yesterday. I am no longer sick, but have been left with chills and zero appetite and nothing, not even my precious diet coke, tastes right. Even food smells funny. That, combined with general jet lag has been enough to just wipe me the fuck out

Actually, from every movie and tv show I have seen it sounds like I am pregnant. Oh. Shit. Could I…

Wait, my husband and I have not done anything that could cause that and my boyfriend is locked in a steel tube, so I guess that option is off the table. Fuck. I have always wanted to be on the cover of People and it looks like I am going to be foiled by Bruce Jenner yet again in life. I wonder what his new name will be?

Anyway, I did manage a full day working today and got a workout in, but just was zoned out completely. Tomorrow is packed again but I know it will be better and I will likely be eating my way through Australia before the weekend is over.

On the emotional side, or maybe the physical, I fucked up and jacked off this morning without permission. Since I am device-less for awhile, we are relying on me to have self control and, this morning, I had none. The funny thing is I was not actually very horny. I just wanted to do it so I did. I thought about the fact that I didn’t text Axel first and ask (he was awake at the time and I could have) but I didn’t really care either and thought this was something that I’d just not mention just like “the old days”. That feeling lasted until about 2.7 seconds after I came when I was then overcome with an emotional guilt like I have not had before. I had just used Axel’s penis without permission and that was not allowed. I almost wanted to go sit myself down in the corner but, well, you all know how I feel about having ejaculate on me, so that guilt was washed away by the need to shower. At that point, never once did I think I would not tell Axel, but I just figured I would wait until the right time or when I was home.

That lasted all of about three hours when, during the middle of a meeting I was in, I felt absolutely compelled to text him to tell him; however I thought I would soften the blow with a complaint about how bad I felt stomach wise first. It went like this.

Screen Shot 2015-02-05 at 7.46.19 PM
First and foremost, I should tell you that when you are down under, evidently you hack off versus jack off, or at least that is what the iPhone thinks happens, but, I would assume that hacking is as forbidden as jacking, so I am still in trouble. This is my first offense, but, having given him the control, what happens now is not my decision. Perhaps he will forget.

In one way I think I am almost glad it happened and maybe deep down I was testing our new resolve, because when he and I take steps back from this new life, it’s usually because of a trip like this. So, we will see what happens in eleven days when I FINALLY get home.

In other news, have you all read the recent rabbit posts? He’s been on a roll and has some really good stuff posted, so check it out if you haven’t. He surprised me with something we aren’t talking about here yesterday when I landed and that, so far, has made my whole trip and will make future ones I know as well.

He and Axel both hate it when I say this, but one of the best things about these trips is the Facetime calls in the middle of my night and I always tell them to call and wake me up (however, I am usually up anyway). It’s a very “grounding” feeling and, while I evidently can’t explain it to anyone as to why, it just makes the days fun. I mean, who wouldn’t want to talk to either one while laying in bed naked?

Speaking of the two of them, they spoke today. Technically they instant messaged, but it was very funny because Axel messaged him and he thought it was me having just seen the last name and was, from what I hear, kinda an ass to him, or at least in Thumper’s mind (for the record, he’s not an ass to me, but having been inside each other we can say things like “hang on” or “busy” without issue). When he realized this it became Twitter fodder which I enjoyed because I suspect Miss Manner’s protocol would usually say that “when greeting your boyfriend’s husband for this first time, one should be polite”, so I knew the rabbit’s mind raced a few seconds. In reality, Axel thought NOTHING of it and told me that he told him that if he (Thumper) still felt bad, he’d send me up there on an unscheduled trip just to punish him (Thumpie, don’t you feel awful????? – hint hint).

It really was nothing but I tell you this to simply say, HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT? What a great reaction from Axel and this is just one more piece if the giant sea of okay that we swim in (for the record, we all knew this communication would take place as they are planning a very special birthday surprise for me during my birthday which coincides with my new bunny trip – wait, wait, I am projecting, the reality is that Thumper is an expert in an area that Axel needed some information in so it was silly for me to play the middle man).

Finally, it was pointed out to me that I don’t have text in the “about me” section (and that Thumper’s is out of date). So, to the arrogant ass who thought it was important enough to make that they only message they sent to me, thank you. We will get right on that.

So, from my balcony overlooking a shopping mall and a motorway I bid you adieu. I have an about me to do.

Weird is the New Black

I woke up today in a weird mood. Not a bad mood. Not a sad mood. Just a weird mood.

Part of it was that a very good friend of mine moved to China this week and, when I am in town, we had a standing Saturday lunch date. I missed him today.

Another part of it is professionally I start back to a life on the road Monday and, while it will be nice to be back in some ways, I have really enjoyed a few weeks “off” as well. Even with Axel having the flu.

My funk is also work driven because I have the kind of job that looks at one calendar year at a time for productivity, bonuses, projections, and other things. When January comes and everything resets to zero, it’s like you have been hit in the face with a cold winter reality that you have to start over again and that everything you killed yourself for in the previous year is now “just old news”. For the record, in 2014 I killed it and set a professional high mark; however, that celebration lasted about 37 seconds after midnight on December 31st and then I got wiped right back down to the bottom again. Plus, a big report I killed myself on is now just sitting, for the 13th day, just waiting for feedback which I know will come crashing down in a last minute fury any minute now before I am set to present it to over 200 people on Tuesday.

So, those things are happening and just happen to all collide in the day after I returned from seeing Thumper; which makes me super duper sensitive about Axel and him interpreting my lack of excitement about the generalities of life as me wishing I was still with Thumper or having had more fun with the bunny than with him, etcetera. In fact, I probably over act how okay I am which is fucking idiotic to do when you are mated with someone who is trained to see into people’s minds for a living. I will never ever learn that lesson I fear.

Adding to that, Thumper had “issues” this morning that he told me about prior to posting this blog post and caused Belle to question the very thing I was worried about Axel thinking. So, me being me, I unfairly projected her question on to Axel and his mindset which made me insecure which was just, well, stupid.

So, I decided to talk to Axel about his issue which he realty didn’t have.

That said, it was a great talk and progressed through a shopping trip and dinner and ended with some really nice sex.

Fun sex. Emotional sex. Sticky sex.

And, I got my first blow job with the big ring in my penis. Woo to the hoo.

Anyway, through the talk I realized that I, me, Drew, Husband of Axel, Boyfriend of Thumper, Dad to Stella was the one with the issue, not Axel. I have been worried about him being worried for nothing and which them commenced us into a therapy session about why I felt that way.

It’s funny, what he and Belle allow, the “loaning” so to speak, is so great, so generous, so thoughtful that I think I have been blocking myself to fully allow this generosity, and, I mean, fully embrace it. It’s like being given a gift of a first class trip to Hawaii and not allowing yourself to enjoy it because you are too worried about what it cost the giver and what you might have to do to one day repay that gift. That’s just nuts and this “worry” will stop now. I promise. Or at least kinda promise.

In addition, the talk caused him to read a few parts of Denying Thumper and one or two sections of this blog, which you all know he chooses not to read. He read today’s post by Thumper and looked at me and said, “I just love Belle. I admire Belle. I hope to be as good to you as she is to him one day and I just want to thank them for showing me this” and then I looked down and he was typing. Typing to Thumper. Fuck.

He would not tell me what he was saying which had me wringing my hands and wondering but also knowing that he or Thumper would tell me. It was, in a way, a collision of worlds that was not supposed to be taking place. At least not yet. However, it was not my place to tell him not to or to even insist it so I waited and wondered but also found myself rather okay with it too, because, I have always thought they would meet and/or communicate long before Belle and I do. In fact, Thumper and I always tell each other to be safe and protect ourselves because neither of us is ready to deal with the awkwardness of attending each other’s funeral. I’ll still be careful, but in my head I thought that this way, it will one day be a bit less awkward for him. Ha. God forbid, of course.

Luckily, “Axel, the blog muggle” sent his response as a comment versus an email and it was there in black and white. He told me later he did not mean to do it that way and meant to send Thumper a private message, but, it was a sweet message and one I know that was almost like his official permission slip to me, his written blessing to Thumper, and a thank you note to Belle all in one very clipped, very brief paragraph (he’s not one for lingering, flowery prose like me, obviously). Frankly, I feel very weird that it is there, but I would bet that will be the only time we will hear from him so it’s a done deal.

He told me in the truck on the way to dinner that this time I was with Thumper, the third time, where I was did not even cross his mind in any way other than that he hoped I was having a good time. He knew that Belle had allowed Thumper to take me to dinner, which he loved and that he really enjoys the fact that the bunny and I have truly become friends. He told me that I need to value that and to just quit fucking worrying about it and that we would not be discussing this again.

This was followed by another statement about his admiration for Belle and that if there was anything I needed to be worried about, it would be about how much he is going to enjoy “his penis that’s attached to me” being in his control and that it’s not going to be as much about my denial, but his control of when and how often. This means that I will likely come more, but only with him (or with his permission with Thumper) and when he wants it and I will likely not be allowed to savor and enjoy it. While that may not make sense to many, I have told you I am one that has never been driven by the need to orgasm. Plus, I am like Thumper in that I am all about the ejaculate during the act, but 1.7 nanoseconds after it has left my body I think it’s the nastiest thing in the world. That nastiness is multiplied by 9,008 if it has left my body and THEN leaves someone else’s. However, that is not Axel. He can be coated in his or mine, wipe off and then roll over and go to sleep. So, so not me. But, I think I may have to learn.

Anyway, to sum this very long post up, Thumper and I were texting later when I said something like “how weird is it that your boyfriend’s husband would be thanking your wife?” to which he simply replied “weird is the new black”