I woke up today in a weird mood. Not a bad mood. Not a sad mood. Just a weird mood.
Part of it was that a very good friend of mine moved to China this week and, when I am in town, we had a standing Saturday lunch date. I missed him today.
Another part of it is professionally I start back to a life on the road Monday and, while it will be nice to be back in some ways, I have really enjoyed a few weeks “off” as well. Even with Axel having the flu.
My funk is also work driven because I have the kind of job that looks at one calendar year at a time for productivity, bonuses, projections, and other things. When January comes and everything resets to zero, it’s like you have been hit in the face with a cold winter reality that you have to start over again and that everything you killed yourself for in the previous year is now “just old news”. For the record, in 2014 I killed it and set a professional high mark; however, that celebration lasted about 37 seconds after midnight on December 31st and then I got wiped right back down to the bottom again. Plus, a big report I killed myself on is now just sitting, for the 13th day, just waiting for feedback which I know will come crashing down in a last minute fury any minute now before I am set to present it to over 200 people on Tuesday.
So, those things are happening and just happen to all collide in the day after I returned from seeing Thumper; which makes me super duper sensitive about Axel and him interpreting my lack of excitement about the generalities of life as me wishing I was still with Thumper or having had more fun with the bunny than with him, etcetera. In fact, I probably over act how okay I am which is fucking idiotic to do when you are mated with someone who is trained to see into people’s minds for a living. I will never ever learn that lesson I fear.
Adding to that, Thumper had “issues” this morning that he told me about prior to posting this blog post and caused Belle to question the very thing I was worried about Axel thinking. So, me being me, I unfairly projected her question on to Axel and his mindset which made me insecure which was just, well, stupid.
So, I decided to talk to Axel about his issue which he realty didn’t have.
That said, it was a great talk and progressed through a shopping trip and dinner and ended with some really nice sex.
Fun sex. Emotional sex. Sticky sex.
And, I got my first blow job with the big ring in my penis. Woo to the hoo.
Anyway, through the talk I realized that I, me, Drew, Husband of Axel, Boyfriend of Thumper, Dad to Stella was the one with the issue, not Axel. I have been worried about him being worried for nothing and which them commenced us into a therapy session about why I felt that way.
It’s funny, what he and Belle allow, the “loaning” so to speak, is so great, so generous, so thoughtful that I think I have been blocking myself to fully allow this generosity, and, I mean, fully embrace it. It’s like being given a gift of a first class trip to Hawaii and not allowing yourself to enjoy it because you are too worried about what it cost the giver and what you might have to do to one day repay that gift. That’s just nuts and this “worry” will stop now. I promise. Or at least kinda promise.
In addition, the talk caused him to read a few parts of Denying Thumper and one or two sections of this blog, which you all know he chooses not to read. He read today’s post by Thumper and looked at me and said, “I just love Belle. I admire Belle. I hope to be as good to you as she is to him one day and I just want to thank them for showing me this” and then I looked down and he was typing. Typing to Thumper. Fuck.
He would not tell me what he was saying which had me wringing my hands and wondering but also knowing that he or Thumper would tell me. It was, in a way, a collision of worlds that was not supposed to be taking place. At least not yet. However, it was not my place to tell him not to or to even insist it so I waited and wondered but also found myself rather okay with it too, because, I have always thought they would meet and/or communicate long before Belle and I do. In fact, Thumper and I always tell each other to be safe and protect ourselves because neither of us is ready to deal with the awkwardness of attending each other’s funeral. I’ll still be careful, but in my head I thought that this way, it will one day be a bit less awkward for him. Ha. God forbid, of course.
Luckily, “Axel, the blog muggle” sent his response as a comment versus an email and it was there in black and white. He told me later he did not mean to do it that way and meant to send Thumper a private message, but, it was a sweet message and one I know that was almost like his official permission slip to me, his written blessing to Thumper, and a thank you note to Belle all in one very clipped, very brief paragraph (he’s not one for lingering, flowery prose like me, obviously). Frankly, I feel very weird that it is there, but I would bet that will be the only time we will hear from him so it’s a done deal.
He told me in the truck on the way to dinner that this time I was with Thumper, the third time, where I was did not even cross his mind in any way other than that he hoped I was having a good time. He knew that Belle had allowed Thumper to take me to dinner, which he loved and that he really enjoys the fact that the bunny and I have truly become friends. He told me that I need to value that and to just quit fucking worrying about it and that we would not be discussing this again.
This was followed by another statement about his admiration for Belle and that if there was anything I needed to be worried about, it would be about how much he is going to enjoy “his penis that’s attached to me” being in his control and that it’s not going to be as much about my denial, but his control of when and how often. This means that I will likely come more, but only with him (or with his permission with Thumper) and when he wants it and I will likely not be allowed to savor and enjoy it. While that may not make sense to many, I have told you I am one that has never been driven by the need to orgasm. Plus, I am like Thumper in that I am all about the ejaculate during the act, but 1.7 nanoseconds after it has left my body I think it’s the nastiest thing in the world. That nastiness is multiplied by 9,008 if it has left my body and THEN leaves someone else’s. However, that is not Axel. He can be coated in his or mine, wipe off and then roll over and go to sleep. So, so not me. But, I think I may have to learn.
Anyway, to sum this very long post up, Thumper and I were texting later when I said something like “how weird is it that your boyfriend’s husband would be thanking your wife?” to which he simply replied “weird is the new black”