Open Marriage and Boyfriend Sex

So this week I am wandering through Pennsylvania conflicted about life, work, the world, and how the stupidity of some people continue to amaze me.

Regarding life, work, and I guess the world, it’s very weird right now because they have all collided in a way that is not making me happy with any of them nor is it particularly making me angry or sad either. It’s just “unsettled” and I don’t do that well if you haven’t picked up on that already. The job is the job and it ebbs and flows as anyone who also bills by the hour understands. I am having a particularly good month, but some of my colleagues are not, thus causing all sorts of drama that doesn’t really matter to me, yet just creates email exchanges that make my stomach turn with worry at times.

The bigger issue in this category is that Axel and I are both still very, very unsettled.

I feel like I have to give some sort of preamble here that Axel and I will be fine and I am beyond certain about that, but we are just in one of those places where all couples go at times where our interest in each other keeps getting sidelined by events,  emotions, and about eight pounds between us that we have each gained (me 3 him 5) which send those sexy feelings to the back burner. It all started with me returning from Australia in a jet lagged fog and then leaving again in 36 hours only to come home to the disaster weekend that I blogged about. Add to that the suicide of a client last week and, unfortunately, the attempted suicide of another yesterday (there is almost always a second attempt as an attention thing- always), and the man is just emotionally spent. Unfortunately, all of this hit at the same time the Steelheart arrived, the timing of which was supposed to be the “official marking point” of the shift in our relationship, so that has just added another element to this which is beyond our control. We are also both the type of people who will mourn for the plan that didn’t happen while shouldering the responsibility  of the “failure” versus just making a new plan. That is stupid, but just us, and while we know better, it is what it is. So, it’s just bad timing and there has been no sex, not even light petting. Just really no interest on either side, which, again, happens. The groove is starting to come back and hopefully by the time I get home later in the week we will be fucking like bunnies again.

Now, all of that up there out of the way, I still continue to smile every day about how this open marriage thing is working out. Granted, I think it’s more than just the open marriage because it’s also the particulars about how, and especially who, is involved in this particular openness. In our case, what made me really smile Sunday night, while laying in bed trying to force ourselves to go to sleep early since I had to go to the airport at 4am, we started to get a bit flirty, a tad touchy, but the erections were just not there (well, his at least, mine was covered). We just laughed about not having the energy or the current drive (which in itself is pretty damn cool when you think about it) and then Axel said, “Well, a year ago I would have been feeling horrible about not giving you great sex right now because of everything, but, the good news is I am just assuming that you had (and will have) great sex with Thumper, so there’s a ton of pressure off of me. How funny is that? Fuck him well, husband” He went on to say that if I needed to take an extra trip to use up some energy it was fine with him. Of course, he knows it doesn’t work that way schedule wise and he knows I wouldn’t, but the sheer fact he said that made me swoon a bit. Regarding that too, Thumper and I seem to have found an interesting new groove in the long distance, D/s, boyfriendship thing and we are just rolling along groovily. There might even be a third blog out there if anyone is interested in searching that clue for the hidden immunity idol (yes, yes, I still love Survivor). Just sayin’.

Actually, I either tweeted or wrote here last week about Axel saying that Thumper is now “just a part of our extended family” and about the comfort level with which his name now comes up – an act that is paralleling in a similar yet very different way in Thumper’s house – but it’s very true and, to quote Shaggy from Scooby Doo, that’s “neato”. It’s baseball season and Axel being a former pitcher, Thumper being a GIANT fan (though not a Giants fan), and me being in the middle and now a fan too is rather a cute thing because, when timing allows, the three of us have watched several games together with Axel next to me on the sofa, Thumper and I texting, and all three of us going back and forth with each other about the game and/or questions. It’s been suggested that Axel be included and it become a group text, but that was quickly nullified because Thumper and I realized that we would have to clean up our conversation and, at the same time, Axel realized we would have to clean up our conversation, so that idea died as fast as it started.

Finally, my third point in this update post is about the stupidity of some of our fellow blog friends who continue to send me messages about “turning Thumper gay” as if I can be contracted out to do the same to their significant other. It’s crazy because, one just assumes people would know that can not happen, right? And, if it could, I am evidently a huge failure because even Belle is now calling me out, and laughing, about my lack of skill in that department so it’s a no go people. Being gay is clearly is a choice one makes for themselves when they check that extra little box on their first library card and, once that is done, there is no changing it. It’s your permanent record, folks. Nobody fucks with that!

(disclaimer: yes, yes, that was a joke about the choice and the library card. My straight or gay survey came in the mail with my gay card application and invoice for the dues – being Double Gold Star has it’s privileges)

Oh no, I hope Drew doesn’t turn me gay too!

This weekend was a bad weekend for my D/s world mostly because my muggle world took over and, if you follow the blog, it took over with a vengeance that in hindsight is now almost comical. So, weekend over, I am now sitting on the first of two flights that will get me to my northeastern destination today for a very busy day tomorrow. However, the busy day will be worth it as it will actually get me back home on a Tuesday night for two rare midweek nights at home before I get to go see the rabbit later in the week. I’m excited about seeing him this time more than most simply because it’s just been too long (longer than typical visits simply due to calendar issues) and the connection, the friendship, and, to be all zen-like here, the positive energy he adds to a room is just contagious, and I need a bit of that in my world right now.

Oh, and the sex. The (hopeful) dirty, sweaty, steel laden, wet, fun, exciting sex part. Did I forget to mention that?

Silly me, yeah, I like that part too <he says with a wicked, wicked grin>.

Over the weekend, I got several of those horrid commenter comments about how awful I was for turning Thumper gay and possibly doing the same to my friend Happa. I think the writer was very confused by the recent news about Obama banning conversion therapy thinking I was at fault, but those are the kind of stupid posts from stupid people I can have fun with and laugh at because, well, they are stupid. I’m not sure that even if I could wave my alleged magic fairy-fairy wand that, at least in my head, showers the receiver with glitter, I’d actually use it to stop those because they amuse me. We all know, especially from the pictures, that Thumper was pretty far along the bisexual biway long before my magic wand entered the picture. Also, for the record, that was the absolute last time I will even insinuate that my penis is a magic wand because I actually find that creepy and am already keenly aware of whatever talents it may or may not possess.

However, mixed within those hate filled messages that were posted here and on Denying Thumper, I received an email or two directly from the same guy following up on a post Thumper posted Saturday about his health and the care that he received when seeking it. The physician he saw basically said that since he was bisexual and sexually active, he must have had an STD and sent him on his way with some antibiotics and that was that (I am very much summarizing, so please go there to read it if you have not).

What bothered, offended, and saddened me about these notes was that the assumption that I, a gay man, would be a disease ridden whore because, well, the implication was that’s just what gay men are. This makes me grieve for the children possibly being raised by people who think like that and, again, worry me because the writer knew enough about me and Thumper to have read us, which means they likely have some sort of kink or fetish interest themselves. How this is possible that they can be so out of the loop about certain basic things like this and other just day to day issues like gay marriage (he was another one who listed me as “married” with quotation marks) (fuck him) yet still be readers of blogs like these? That just absolutely astonishes me.

But, while I think these are isolated cases, I am still amazed at the way people project their insecurities about bisexuality, open marriage, homosexuality, people who wear white after Labor Day, domination and submission, or anything someone may be doing toward something or someone else. In this case, the four of us involved in this awesome open quadrangle that is working with nary a hiccup seem to really bug the fuck out of some people because I think some wish us failure, just because.

That said, the basic human nature to project yourself into something or on to someone else should not surprise me because when I started making it more public – in my online life at least – that my husband had given me permission to go outside and play, I started getting lots of questions from nosy, or maybe just interested parties, about why I was not “whoring around”. Why didn’t I take this new freedom and run to a bar, invite strangers to my hotel room, or worse, just rub up against strangers in airports? I have often been amused by questions like these because I realized very quickly that they were generally coming from people who were, at least in their opinion, locked down into a relationship and they were simply projecting their fantasies on to me and my freedom.

It wasn’t a new concept really because with my job and travel being what it is, my muggle and non-muggle friends often just can’t fathom why every night after work I am not out exploring local pubs or running to museums on my lunch break, etc. It’s back to that “we all tend to want what we don’t have mentality” and I am as guilty as every one of those people in feeling that way about certain things at certain times, so that’s really just human nature. It’s not hard for me to believe that my friends who are home with two sick kids wish they were with me in Sydney or in Shanghai presumably living it up (especially since I most often cannot discuss what it is I do) but I also bet they have no idea that on many of those nights I would kill to be home with a kid with a sniffle or two. It’s just how the world works.

However, projections of hate and insecurities make no sense to me and, while I will deal with them as they come, I hope I never get used to them. I know many of my fellow bloggers have their own crazy fans, so maybe we should just start feeling special when they “pray for us” or damn us for being actively normal adults with healthy sex and home lives? I for one think that would piss them off more than anything and, at the end of the day, isn’t that what we really want?