Hello from California warmth. I am here following five days of snow and ice at home that left Axel and I with a bit of cabin fever. It was 3″of snow and that can shut down the South completely. I actually love to drive in it, but since my truck/suv is just a tad more than a month old, I chose not to risk anything and stay home like an old lady.

Anyway, the time home together was fantastic though I have no stories to share about amazing sex and sticky orgasms. However, I could tell you about the clean drawers and the organized closet, but that’s for another blog I’d never read. Axel and I kept up our bondage time and some additional kink here and there but we mostly just spent the time together just together and, thanks to HBO Go, watched all seven Harry Potter movies in a row -something I always have wanted to have the time to do. It’s amazing what you can forget about that magical kid.

Of course, all this togetherness led to a lot of conversation and he shared something with me that I thought was very interesting and might apply to a lot of people in the same situation as we are. It was basically kink fantasies and the fact that he used to feel very cheated when we were having sex because he always suspected that I was thinking about kink and kinky things in my head even if we were having the most salacious vanilla sex we could be having. He went on to say that these thoughts bothered him for years until he realized a few months ago that if Chris Pratt were naked in our bed I would not be satisfied until I had at least envisioned him in a collar and leash with a lock on his dick because he finally realized that that was just HOW I was wired when I was born and he was okay with that now.

Now, I never thought I was being unfaithful in the moment by flashing to Tumblr or recon in my mind because that fueled the fire and he always had much better ride because of it whether he knew it or not. I thought it was pretty common knowledge that most people are not 100 percent mentally faithful to the one they are fucking while they are fucking, though maybe I just assumed because I didn’t know it any differently? Kink, power exchange, and cute men in leather bits have always caught my attention inside my brain during sex or hell, during work, at the dentist, at Costco. I mean, it’s just how I thought it was. The only time I ever thought that odd was at a funeral but that was mostly because I thought I should have been more sad than I was.

For Ax, he told me that he thought I should be thinking about him that way and, in reality, I often do – now so more than ever, but I felt a bit stunned when this super intelligent man said that to me about me because he of all people should know how the brain works. In hindsight I should have fired back with, “what do you think about?” but I didn’t want to open that door because I would likely have to tell him that I am also thinking about the cable bill, where my seat is on the next flight, or even the snack I will have right after sex (I get hungry), though I suspect those things would have been easier for him to digest because he knew that side of me.

While this was a minor thing and we are not calling the divorce attorneys over Chris Pratt in a collar, the reality was that was the one area I don’t think I had considered in my quest to turn the most vanilla man kinky when I outed my leather bound self to him so many years ago. For those of us who have partners not on the same level of kink as we are, there are so many ways we work to educate them and convince them to play and try and, if you are like me, you get lucky and can find the kink within, but there is always something you didn’t think about even under the best of intentions.

Now none of this is ground breaking, but it’s just something I had never thought of in this situation. For the non kinky, being with a kinky partner has to be frustrating in that I suspect they feel they will never measure up at times and insecurities creep in at the weirdest spots. He says he’s over this now and has owned his insecurity about what I want to do in the kink world, but, for me, this was a gentle reminder that I need to make sure I remember all of him and his thoughts as I go down the leather lined path and not get excited so excited about his first few steps forward that I am literally dragging him by the leash to catch up, again.

As I think I mentioned in the last post, I had been locked on and off, though completely chaste, for about six weeks. This was probably the longest time I have ever gone without an orgasm and, though I wish I could tell you this was all at Axel’s direction, it really was just a combination of that, a month in Australia, the holidays and then, the worst of the worst, several days of my mother in law visiting which can put a chill on even the best laid plans to get laid. She’s just a joy. Her visits are always gifts that keep on giving as the week of discussions that follow about various things are again, enough to cool any and all erections.

But, I digress.

Anyway, last weekend the world settled a bit and Axel and I had a great conversation about the fact that he was proud that I had abstained for so long and that he would likely let me come Sunday afternoon provided I “was nice” all weekend and let him have his way – whatever way that was. We had a really nice weekend and on Sunday he was going to be meal prepping for the week and doing a lot in the kitchen that he enjoys and he told me that I should join him right before pulling out the sleepsack, hood and gag that he thought would be the appropriate “uniform” for me while he cooked. The game was set and for the next two hours or so I listened to him cook from my flat position on the big island in the back of the kitchen in the sack and the hood, though no gag because I had a small cough and a bit of congestion happening.  It was so nice and such a zen like experience and then I felt him unzipping the bag and strategically re-zipping it where just my titanium clad dick was on the outside. That went on a bit and I heard some fumbling and then, there it was, the key on the screw, and then the key on my balls, and then the key on the screw, and then the key on my bladder, and then finally, the key found it’s S slot and in two twists I was free (for those who don’t know, the Steelwerks keys are in a S pattern and are tiny keys and tiny screws, escaping is impossible and release requires a bit of patience and good eyesight – neither of which Ax has).

THIS was going to be the climax of all climaxes because it had been so long and, while I was still in the bag, he took the cage off, cleaned me up and bit and started jacking me to a point of pure pleasure, but sexual release was not happening. That said, I have never been a quick ejaculator. Be it years of SSRI’s or just me, I am not one that will orgasm fast and, while this is generally a pleasure for my partners (except that time Thumper yelled “God dammit, come already” as apparently even his ass can get tired) it’s always frustrated me a bit because I knew it meant I would never have a second career in porn. So, Axel backed off, unzipped and unhooded me and let me try to take care of business. I tried and I tried and I thought of every sexy happy thing I could and though I was hard as a rock, the climax was just not happening. I kept going but I was at the point where I was physically exhausted and my legs were cramping like mad (I somehow engage my thigh muscles big time when I ejaculate – which does help explain their size) but it was just not happening. Ax turned on his therapist voice, a voice I tend to hate because it literally is a different voice with a weird soothing Southern accent, and kept telling me I was tired and that this was okay and to go shower, relax and we could try again later. I felt horrible because he didn’t get to come either and I tried to get him to, but being the gentleman dom at that moment, he sent me scurrying upstairs gear in hand to shower.

I was devastated and even though my rational side could explain it all – cold medicine, sore legs from leg day, etc – the failure to perform killed me. The funny thing is it wasn’t erectile dysfunction really because, trust me, that was STILL there, but just the utter and complete prostate betrayal in my mind. I was so ready to trade it in. I showered, put on my comfy flannel pants and came downstairs ready to be locked again and he said no that we would try later and to go do “my things”. As anyone who knows me knows, I do not like or accept failure in myself, so I thought I would make sure it happened and I got into the fridge and took one of the Cialis pills we have that Ax’s docs have given him after his accident and surgeries. I had never taken one before but thought it would be great and surely would solve this issue.

So, I took it and went about the night knowing that thanks to modern medicine I would have a steel erection and life would be good. I WOULD COME and it would be magical. Soon after taking it the penis went into a semi state that was actually quite fun to play with and any trigger of anything would get to full mast at any time. But, about that point I started coughing a bit more, was more sniffly and had the dam flushing and headache the pill causes, and had to decide whether the Advil Cold and Sinus would mix well with the blue pill (yes, technically another drug) and decided to risk it. I wasn’t feeling great but god damm I was going to have sex whether or not it killed me. It was going to be so good and as I took him up to bed later, hand in hand all romantic like for about six steps since I walk faster than him, I still had my mind set on sex and sex I had. The most unromantic, transactional sex ever, but my six weeks was over and, like Thump had always told me, it wasn’t that pleasurable and kinda hurt, but it was done!

I slept, got on a plane, and then crashed and am writing this from the Michigan hotel room where I have quarantined myself because I have the flu. Full on fucking flu. What’s worse, that pill will stay with you about 36 hours, so I spent the day coughing, sniffling, dying all with a magical erection that just would go away and then come back the minute I saw something interesting. It was like 8th grade all over again. All day. But, that finally went away and I am better now and will likely see daylight today.  I had never been so excited to officially get sick because that HAD to explain my performance issue, at least in my mind and that’s all that matter.

Who knows, but the clock was reset…







January 2018, my first post in a new year that has so much potential.

Of course, in 2018, I am going to eat better, work out more, stay naked longer, and, practice more of what I preach regarding male chastity while trying my best to have something locked around my dick every day of the year – though exceptions have to apply for some of my travel to places like China and similar where I walk a very straight line through customs not wanting the risk of discovery, even on the devices that are not actually detected such as the Schandmaske.

As I have mentioned before, I have a new device on order from Steelwerks that will replace the original cage, the Axel, which I sold last month to a now very secure man south of here. With the life I lead, I was looking for something simple without the extra tiny screws and without a scrotal ring as my ginger skin is always a bit more sensitive than the average unblessed person – the non ginger. What I have ordered is something,  called the Crucible 2.0, which is a fitted titanium cage that is being crafted around a model of my actual dick and will look very similar to mine in clothes and the 6,372 pictures I will take and tweet the first month I get it. Like the Schandmaske that I adore, this one will be secured via my PA and a locking hollow barbell which allows zero escape chances while also allowing me to piss in a straight shot like my friends who didn’t have a hole punched in their dick for fun, like me.

When I wrote about getting the new cage and posted the prototype photo, most agreed that the cage is absolutely beautiful and will be yet another piece of art like the Axel and all of the Steelwerks’ cages. However, one comment I got in person one day caught my attention about why I would want to spend the money that a Steelwerks’ cage commands again versus buying cheap from an internet toy store and pocketing the extra dough.  I laughed that off for a few reasons but mostly because it came from one of my friends who drives an Escalade (as if he couldn’t have bought the Tahoe and pocketed the extra dough??) and that it’s my dough and, thankfully I am in a position to be able to have choices. However, the core factors behind the choice is something that got me thinking about Steelwerks and the other niche manufacturers of cages similar to Steelwerks who now fight every day to make sure their work isn’t pirated – while also constantly defending the cost of custom manufacturing.

First, about the ebay and amazon knock off cages I see guys so excited about buying or trying. I could go through the whole thing about safety, quality of materials, and the question about if you really want to lock your most precious asset into something that may or may not rust, bend, or pinch but I won’t do that this time. What I will say is that these cages, in most cases, are often a complete copy of one from Steelwerks or the other companies that make speciality designs and by buying them you are basically stealing the science and design behind them which can ultimately endanger the entire industry we enjoy so much. I get that guys want to try these things out and realize that nothing will change this and I will even admit to having bought a few myself years ago, but I would just hope that the guys who do buy the knockoff XXX realize what they have and then purchase from the actual manufacturer of XXX when the knockoff inevitably fails them.

Second, and less soapbox like, is that the devices from “off the shelf” that are manufactured by the actual companies that make them like Holy Trainer, Rigid, and the others are all excellent devices and serve a great purpose. For me, these devices were a way for me to know that I wanted to make the investment in a custom device and, once I did that, there really was no going back. The best analogy is one I have used before about the BMW vs the Mitsubishi and how they will ultimately both get you the same place and serve the same purpose. However, the “ultimate driving machine” BMW will get you there with style, safety, and a quality of materials, craftsmanship, and assembly that even the best Mitsubishi could never do. I remember the first time I drove a BMW when I was in college and I was immediately hooked because of those things (and the cute guy letting me drive it) and will never forget the way it just held the road and felt when I gave it a throttle. However, at that point in my life I had a budget that only allowed me to enjoy the driving pleasure of a used beige Ford Escort with the exciting 4 speed manual transmission. Even though mine was equipped with a cassette tape player AND a rear window defroster, I still longed for the feel of that BMW because I knew that was what I wanted to feel. I think it’s the same thing with cages because, once you feel the way a custom device fits, how it physically feels, and see the detail that goes into the design, the shape, and the materials it’s addicting in a very good way.

Of course, just like with premium car manufacturers there are levels of custom and cost and, in my opinion, you find what works best for you (and or your key holder) and you run with it. That is why Steelwerks is where I choose to invest in my denial.

Bottom line, you get what you pay for and to my friend with the Escalade, I look forward to waving my titanium penis in your face. But, here’s to 2018 and all of the adventures we can have within it before the big button might be pushed. Have a great year and thanks for sticking with me.