Hello from California warmth. I am here following five days of snow and ice at home that left Axel and I with a bit of cabin fever. It was 3″of snow and that can shut down the South completely. I actually love to drive in it, but since my truck/suv is just a tad more than a month old, I chose not to risk anything and stay home like an old lady.
Anyway, the time home together was fantastic though I have no stories to share about amazing sex and sticky orgasms. However, I could tell you about the clean drawers and the organized closet, but that’s for another blog I’d never read. Axel and I kept up our bondage time and some additional kink here and there but we mostly just spent the time together just together and, thanks to HBO Go, watched all seven Harry Potter movies in a row -something I always have wanted to have the time to do. It’s amazing what you can forget about that magical kid.
Of course, all this togetherness led to a lot of conversation and he shared something with me that I thought was very interesting and might apply to a lot of people in the same situation as we are. It was basically kink fantasies and the fact that he used to feel very cheated when we were having sex because he always suspected that I was thinking about kink and kinky things in my head even if we were having the most salacious vanilla sex we could be having. He went on to say that these thoughts bothered him for years until he realized a few months ago that if Chris Pratt were naked in our bed I would not be satisfied until I had at least envisioned him in a collar and leash with a lock on his dick because he finally realized that that was just HOW I was wired when I was born and he was okay with that now.
Now, I never thought I was being unfaithful in the moment by flashing to Tumblr or recon in my mind because that fueled the fire and he always had much better ride because of it whether he knew it or not. I thought it was pretty common knowledge that most people are not 100 percent mentally faithful to the one they are fucking while they are fucking, though maybe I just assumed because I didn’t know it any differently? Kink, power exchange, and cute men in leather bits have always caught my attention inside my brain during sex or hell, during work, at the dentist, at Costco. I mean, it’s just how I thought it was. The only time I ever thought that odd was at a funeral but that was mostly because I thought I should have been more sad than I was.
For Ax, he told me that he thought I should be thinking about him that way and, in reality, I often do – now so more than ever, but I felt a bit stunned when this super intelligent man said that to me about me because he of all people should know how the brain works. In hindsight I should have fired back with, “what do you think about?” but I didn’t want to open that door because I would likely have to tell him that I am also thinking about the cable bill, where my seat is on the next flight, or even the snack I will have right after sex (I get hungry), though I suspect those things would have been easier for him to digest because he knew that side of me.
While this was a minor thing and we are not calling the divorce attorneys over Chris Pratt in a collar, the reality was that was the one area I don’t think I had considered in my quest to turn the most vanilla man kinky when I outed my leather bound self to him so many years ago. For those of us who have partners not on the same level of kink as we are, there are so many ways we work to educate them and convince them to play and try and, if you are like me, you get lucky and can find the kink within, but there is always something you didn’t think about even under the best of intentions.
Now none of this is ground breaking, but it’s just something I had never thought of in this situation. For the non kinky, being with a kinky partner has to be frustrating in that I suspect they feel they will never measure up at times and insecurities creep in at the weirdest spots. He says he’s over this now and has owned his insecurity about what I want to do in the kink world, but, for me, this was a gentle reminder that I need to make sure I remember all of him and his thoughts as I go down the leather lined path and not get excited so excited about his first few steps forward that I am literally dragging him by the leash to catch up, again.