Inside My Closed Open Marriage

Last weekend I went away with a group of friends and, because it rained every single minute of our trip, we often found ourselves in odd little couplings talking about anything and everything. During one of these moments, the subject of open marriages came up and I found myself listening to my friends, half of whom know I am in one but didn’t disclose that, discuss them as if they thought participants were just crazy swingers having sex at every minute. It was funny in many ways, but it also made me think about what the inside of my open marriage looks like, so I decided to write about it.

The following is what I wrote and it is very unusual in that I did not assume that the reader knew anything about me as I wanted this to stand alone, even though I doubt it would ever be forwarded or posted elsewhere. Also, as those of you who have followed me will actually know the names, you will actually also see that I combined the Scotts into one person, as Axel really does think of them as one unit and, well, it was just easier to write.

So, feel free to fill in the blanks with the names you know.


I have a closed open marriage. It’s not about sex because it’s simply about so much more.

I thought about this topic last weekend when I confided in an old friend that my marriage was open and that each of us have someone on the side. His immediate reaction was not one of judgement as I expected, but one of jealousy, in a sense, when he said, “wow, so much sex. I can’t even imagine” which was followed by “must be so nice to just blow a little steam and then go home, but doesn’t that make it weird when it’s time to fuck (insert husband’s name here)?”  I think I smiled or did something else to acknowledge that I heard him, but I remember specifically not saying out loud what I wanted to say, because, at least in my openness, he could not have been more wrong.

To back up, my husband are in our eighteenth year together and our third as a married same sex couple. To the world, we are the stereotypical white collared Ward and Ward Cleaver gay male couple as we live in a recently gentrified neighborhood on the edge of both the hood and the multi million dollar homes, have two German SUV’s in the driveway with the pretty tags versus the standard ones, and a dog with a human name who wears sweaters when it’s chilly. We have a great sex life together, enjoy our time together immensely, and, to this day, find it surprising that we actually do love each other more every single day than we did the day before. What we don’t show, is that each of us have a boyfriend on the side who provide us with something we could not get from the other. The specifics of what we were seeking is not of importance at the moment, but in many ways, he and I have given each other a gift that, when translated, boils down to a proven level of trust, admiration, and respect for each other and our particular needs. This gift, is something I could never get from anyone except the man I married and I thank him, at least in my head, every single day for it.

For us, the openness started about six years ago when my husband brought up the idea and we discussed, analyzed, and dissected the concept before finally thinking we could make it work. We negotiated what each of us expected from the side relationship, what information we wanted to share and not share, and how we proposed going about cultivating, soliciting, and engaging said “boyfriend on the side”. Like many things before  and tons of things after it, he and I had very different thoughts on each of those points which caused us to find a middle ground that worked for us in theory, since said boyfriend was only hypothetical at that moment. The one thing we both immediately agreed upon was that, for us, we wanted a “closed open marriage”, a term we defined on our own, because there would be no random encounters allowed, no side sex for sexes sake, and that, no matter what, we would always be the first in each other’s lives. We were professional negotiators at the drafting of this deed and soon it was signed, sealed, and then sat on for about five years. Then, actually a year ago this week, I met my boyfriend, a bisexual married to a woman man who has turned out to be everything I didn’t expect in a very good way. Then, about two months ago, he met his soon to be boyfriend, a monosexual man married to a man, who I can honestly say is nothing like we ever thought he’d be either, also in a very good way.

Life is good and it’s working well, but to get back to the original point of this post, I can’t say any of us are having more sex because of our open marriages. In fact, right now, I’m having less sex because of my open marriage as the wonderful newness of the dating while aligning existing rules and making sure feelings are not getting stepped on has stressed out my husband to the point that neither his boyfriend or myself are getting much action. It’s no big deal as we know that stress in forty something men often sends the blood flowing to the brain versus the penis, which I have always assumed is just nature’s way of getting back to us for all the stupid things we did when blood flowed directly from the brain to the penis in our 20’s. This lack of sex and the over complication of emotions in my head is something I went through a year ago as well, so I am certain beyond a doubt that they and we will be back in action really soon as the newness settles and the reality that this is working sets in.

That said, at first, it’s an odd feeling watching your husband date and, in many ways, it’s cute seeing the man you have come to see as your rock get all weird and nervous because he didn’t understand the tone of a text or doesn’t know if it’s his turn to call or propose a next date or already worry about whether he should buy him a present for Christmas. Yes, it hurt a bit at first in unexpected ways that I still can’t believe, but we were very open about this as we each discovered that the hypothetical rulebook did not exactly overlay reality 100 percent. While it stung at first, that stinging was also balanced by a happiness for him as he was finally getting what he wanted as well and, for the first time, I really saw and felt what he had seen and felt a year before. Our “others” have become just part of our life, which was unexpected, I think, but there is not a night that goes by that he does not ask me “how is (insert his name here) today?” and, even more funny, is I know he truly means it and enjoys hearing about him as a person, as a boyfriend, as a father, and, even, as a husband to his wife. In turn, I always ask about his, though in truth we – – he, his husband, and I – have actually become friends, so I most always already know. We have found that it’s those little gestures that are just needed as way to continually remind each other that we indeed are still okay with exactly how it is and these gestures, like when my husband bought my boyfriend a small piece of art because it reminded him of him on our third month together, mean everything at the occasional time when you just need a check in to make sure the train is still on the track.

Surprisingly, I had never realized, nor thought about, how deep the level of intimacy in allowing the love of your life to go get naked elsewhere can actually feel. It’s the intense bond of trust and feeling of security at the very moment conventional logic tells you that you should be most insecure all coming together in a twisted way that just works in such an unconventional manner. It’s this intimacy, along with the communication that is absolutely essential in this situation, that frankly, has made my marriage and our “married sex” better, stronger, and more intense than it had ever been before and that was with just me having the other. Now, I hope, and feel, that it should only continue to excel as the giddy dater husband becomes the stable boyfriend husband, but time will tell that tale soon.

Finally, I don’t recommend this for everyone because all relationships are as different as they are bizarre. However, for anyone thinking about cracking open that door, my advice is to crack it slowly and with purpose and lay everything on the table before even peering around to the other side. Our way works for the hexagonal box that contains the six of us (spouses included) and we feel safe, secure, and happy in that box, but that does not guarantee success for anyone else ever.

So, for met friend, the reality us that it’s not the orgy you expected as it really is all about the trust, the communication, and the intimacy.

(and, well, yeah, the sex is pretty awesome too)

Fucking Kimmy Schmidt

Hi. It’s Drew. Remember me?

It feels like forever since I have written a post and it’s just been one of those weeks where I could not think of anything to write about. It hasn’t been a bad week at all, just busy and I have had an aversion to writing ANYTHING, texts included, which is especially sad because I have three huge reports all due next Friday that I could have been working on this week. But, I didn’t and I will get them in. Somehow. The good news is I have channeled that into working out, watching baseball and watching my newest discovery of Netflix, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. It’s a silly little show by Tina Fey that has just made me laugh all week.

My mood is way better thanks to the pill that got my hormone level out of manapause rather quickly and I am no longer extremely sensitive and baby kitten like weak. The side effect of that is a raging horniness that has not been felt in awhile and I am rather enjoying that, even though Axel is far away and Thumper is out in the woods without internet access all week. On that note, it was funny, last week when all the mood drama hit me and he and I were still in the “is he repulsive?” stages of his bisexuality (yes, I said we, commenters, because Axel tells me that when the “r word” is mentioned that people go through things together, but, his layers of sexuality do have a direct impact on me so it’s appropriate) I rather worried about if I did miss him would that be weird or some other kind of shit like that, but, life is life and I have missed him this week and look forward to his return to my day to day world. Simple as that. We keep each other company, or, mostly, he keeps me company and updated on world news and baseball while I am out and about so that’s nice. Also, this week my work colleague who I text with about 37 times a day has been on vacation and Axel is crazy busy, so I really have zero excuses for not getting my work done aside from fucking Kimmy Schmidt.

Axel and I have not yet had the chastity and discipline talk we have been planning to have, but that has been due to some schedules that have been weirder than normal and a particular client he has been working with that has troubled us both all week. I think I will actually post about that situation separately because it’s something that deserves it’s own spotlight rather than being buried in the middle of a long post about really nothing.

That said, one thing I want to address is last week in the post where I discussed that I was having trouble finding my sub space, I mentioned that Axel and I were on the edge of taking a bigger step toward a different kind or level of chastity than we had in the past and I wondered if I was nervous about that. I was not really meaning that the new device I will be ordering in a few weeks was going to change everything, but a few people thought that in the comments and, while I addressed it there, I want to reiterate that a bit here too.

Thumper mentioned,

The Steelheart was going to do the trick, but didn’t. A Steelwerks device will do the trick, but will it? I don’t know. He’s been through a lot of devices and none of them have worked for whatever reason”. 

This was followed by him also saying,

“Besides any unresolved behavioral/relationship/dynamic issues (none of which am I privy to, BTW) or perhaps wanting the *idea* of chastity more than the reality for whatever reason (he’s really into the shiny baubles with ceramic knobs), Drew’s lifestyle is really poorly suited to the long-term enforced dynamic. Possible, but such a bigger hassle. And, IMO, until Axel really puts his foot down about it, I don’t know that it’ll ever reach critical mass.”

When he wrote that, he texted me that I was likely not going to like his comment and that it was approaching an area that he and I had not talked about. This is true on the talked about area because it’s is hard for us, him specifically, to see me as the switch I am, so I sometimes leave some of the details out of details because, me being a sub is the last place I want his mind to go during the times when I need him focused. As for me not liking it, nah, I thought it was pretty spot on, but also shows that I have not done a good job of educating those around me, even my boyfriend, about what it is that Axel and I want to accomplish by this change in the dynamic.

First and foremost, unless I ever change jobs or find myself grounded for an extended period of time, Axel and I will never have anything close to what Thumper and Belle have, nor do I think we want it that way. We see the chastity as a prelude to very good sex and, in Axel’s mind, because he likes my penis a great deal, very good sex involves me being unlocked, so I will not be denied in the way that many crave. Would I like that? maybe, but it’s simply not an option for us, so we don’t even think about it. It’s more of a game at times and right now, that is working aside from the fact I do not have a device that I find very comfortable for the long term due to my PA, the size tube I need, and other issues. We LOVE the idea of him owning my dick and that was accomplished with the his “request” (i.e. demand) I get the PA first and now with that locking barbell that I no longer even carry an emergency key to, so we accomplished that and he is beginning to refer to it as “his”, etc. I love that. The lockup, however, at least for the time being, is going to be something we do when I am home at all times and when I am traveling at specific times. This will allow my sex to be controlled which, in return, will drive my sex drive through the roof – something that is often hard to have happen when I am tired all the time from never being in the same place each week.

The device itself, well, yes, it’s going to be an investment but we are looking at it like the wedding ring we never spent money on. In fact, I looked last night and mine cost $22 and his was $28 when we bought them on Amazon in 2013 when the first SCOTUS ruling occurred, so it’s not like we went all out. This device, which I can’t wait to show you the design ideas we have been batting back and forth to Canada, is going to be unique for me, fit to me, and, though chosen by me for comfort and design, approved by Axel which will make me proud to wear it. I know that we could do what we are doing with a Holy Trainer or, gasp, God forbid a CB6000, but, I consider us lucky enough to not have to take that route so I look forward to the adventure to get it and the adventures long after it is made.

Now, I have one minute until I have to go present a presentation to 28 strangers, so I need to quickly get my mindset off of this and in a more “neutral” place.

Think dead puppies, Drew. Dead puppies. Dead puppies. Old women having sex. Dead puppies.

Okay, that worked…

Drew’s Guide to Bisexual Boyfriends – Part II – The Cookie Analogy

Yesterday’s post elicited some really interesting reactions. I did not think it was particularly somber, but two of my friends who read the blog texted me within an hour to check on me because I seemed “pissy”, a few people commented leading to a very interesting discussion about SOP and switches, one new person reached out via Twitter and email which turned out to be a great day of back and forth that helped me tremendously, and one person pretty much said there is no such thing as switching and thought that Thumper and I should immediately never see each other. You know, just a day in the life of my comments.

Two solid things came out of yesterday which led to this post. One is Thumper and I likened his brand of bisexuality and our recent episodes together to food poisoning and, two, I decided to have my blood work tested again because I had not been religious in taking the anti-estrogen pills and, like last November, my estrogen levels are very high which has essentially kicked me into that PMS realm I was in before where I am super sensitive, moody, and hungry all the time. I am not going to go into all of that again, but the original post is here for those who don’t remember. Never fear, I have taken the big pill and should be all insensitive, gruff, and lean in no time.

So, on with the show:

Drew’s Guide to Bisexual Boyfriends – Part II

Last Spring, I wrote a piece about having a bisexual boyfriend and all of the things that can come along with it in this post.

One of the ways I started this was mentioning the warning label issued by him, his wife, and his blog that says the following:

“Bisexual boyfriends may often occasionally require special handling due to wiring issues that can sometimes cause them to think about lady sex organs at times when you require their full attention. They can’t help it, they say. They were born that way, they say. They like snatch, they say. They are worth it, we say.

When wiring issues occur, bisexual boyfriends can be reset with time, patience, ice cream, or by firmly pressing their reset button located between their thighs. For severe bisexual attention disorders lasting over 12 days, seek immediate assistance from Tumblr and repeatedly press the button mentioned above more firmly.”

It’s right fucking there on the warning label and I forgot to read it again this week. Fuck. All that grumbling I did yesterday would have been avoided it I had just gone back and simply read what I had written before and applied the same rules. This time, the reset is taking longer because we went for gelato instead of ice cream. That fucking Italian delicacy has beaten me again!

In all seriousness, yesterday’s post led to Thumper and I having a really nice, but short, discussion where it FINALLY ALL CLICKED for me through an analogy I will use in just a bit. See, what we have is nowhere to be found for role modeling nor is the mind of a bisexual man something I knew well before I met the bunny. So, as we have said all along, those little bumps in the road are going to happen and, frankly, I welcome them because we each learn a bit more about each other’s minds when this happens.

So, this week, what had clicked in my head was “Thumper must be back and be fully bisexual again“. I thought that because he was back being all pervy on the portfolio and talking about things like penises, asses, and all those guy things. So, mid week he texted me a rather suggestive text that would be par for the course during SOP but one that has been missing for the last few weeks and it made me happy for about 27 seconds until the second one came. The first text said something along the lines of there being a particular action that he would like to do with me. I mean, “va va va room -the rabbit is back” said my mind and, before I could even smile, the second text arrived that said something like “maybe” or “possibly one day”. I know him and I know that he thought he was doing something for me, but being especially man-opausal, I got slightly put off by the second text but decided to ignore it. Then it happened again Wednesday night in a joking way, but just enough that I got rather confused by how his attraction to men was back yet I seemed still just slightly repulsive.

I am a pretty strong guy, but whether you are gay, straight, bisexual, trisexual, or alien, when you wave your dick at someone and they refuse, regardless of the reason, there is a bit of that male pride that just stabs you. So, I asked Thumper about this yesterday and, what he said, cleared everything up for me through my use of an analogy that made 119 percent sense to me as it applies to my particular brand of bisexual boyfriend.

Before I do, for legal reasons, I should note the following:

This analogy only applies to my bisexual boyfriend and his particular style of bisexualness and attraction to men and does not mean that your bisexual will react in the same manner. Please consult your bisexual for more information.

If you you need further assistance, please write or call Dan Savage.

Thumper talked to me about how his brain works and, when it shuts down, men will have to creep back in, over time, and at first the attractiveness starts will ALL men, especially the beautiful Tumblry ones, before settling down to a keen attraction to the penis attached to the man who is going to let you “play” with it.

When he said that it all clicked in my head in the following way: I am the cookie that caused the food poisoning.

Simple as that. Right?

Now, let me explain. I applied that in my head because about a year ago I had the worst food poisoning ever for about three days following a wretched meal at a Chicago restaurant. I was locked in a hotel for a week. NOT pretty (but I did lose 9 pounds). After that dinner, before I knew I had eaten something bad, I stopped and got a pack or three of my favorite cookie until that day, a dark chocolate Milano. About four hours later when I was vomiting worse than I had in my life, I kept seeing pieces of the Milano cookie coming back to haunt me. While I WAS fully aware that the Milano had not caused that reaction nor had it done anything to lead to it, the idea of a Milano repulsed me immediately.

So, relating this to Thumper’s conversation with me, I applied myself in it as the Milano because, while I was sick, I never wanted food again (his distaste in all sex for a bit), then, as I recovered I started eating comfortable, soft, cuddly food (his attraction and sexual appetite for women was back), then, a bit later, I dared walk down the cookie aisle and admired all the cookies while keeping a close eye on the Milano (his regained interest in men in general but not ready for a specific one), which was then followed one day later by me wanting to do nothing but kiss, lick, and eat every morsel of that fucking Milano (a boyfriend of a bisexual can dream, can’t they?).

While I may have over simplified or really over analyzed this, it finally spoke to me about how his mind works when it shuts itself off from men for whatever reason there is, which, this time, was a nasty bout with the flu. When I wrote the first part of this in the Spring, it was much milder than it was recently, but, this time, when he got sick, we were really being intense at that moment, which, in my head, meant there was more to throw up thus equalling a longer recovery period. Got it?

So, all that to say is that I have zero doubt that one day pretty soon the Milano will have some really funky things done to it by a rabbit. Stay tuned for more information.

(as an aside, Thumper is in the woods for about 10 days with zero access to anything electronic. While he says he rather enjoys the “freedom”,  I am in withdrawals at just the thought. So, this is being posted without his ability to validate anything, so, commenters, if you are going to damn us to hell or something similar, why don’t you wait a week or so? that way it can be fresh. Thanks.)

“Gay Boyfriend Beware” – the bisexual boyfriend’s warning label

I have a bisexual boyfriend. He came with a warning label of sorts issued by his wife, his blog, and him.

In short, it said:

“Bisexual boyfriends may often occasionally require special handling due to wiring issues that can sometimes cause them to think about lady sex organs at times when you require their full attention. They can’t help it, they say. They were born that way, they say. They like snatch, they say. They are worth it, we all say.

When wiring issues occur, bisexual boyfriends can be reset with time, patience, ice cream, or by firmly pressing their reset button located between their thighs. For severe bisexual attention disorders lasting over 12 hours, seek immediate assistance from Tumblr and repeatedly press the button mentioned above more firmly.”

“Gay Boyfriend Beware”, was printed right there, so none of these things I can complain about and, for the record, nor would I.

Thumper beat me to the punch by writing about our time together this week in THIS blog post yesterday on Denying Thumper. It’s funny because we did not talk about a potential post before he wrote that, but I had already planned something very similar to what he wrote, but from the other point of view. I have to admit, when I first saw Thumper had posted that, I was running through O’Hare airport and I only was able to glance down and catch a few words here and there, but, unfortunately the words I caught were not the ones I should have read. This led to a series of long, in depth text exchanges with the rabbit that resulted in me having a bigger smile on my face than I did when I had left him the day before. He’s going to write about that conversation so I will table that for now (and if he doesn’t I will) but I want to talk about my view of this week and why, even prior to his writing, I was actually thinking it was one of our best visits to date.

To start off, Thumper was not horny for what I had to offer this time. He wrote about his bisexual mood blocking wall erecting itself a few days prior to my visit and that he had vaguely hinted to me about that happening. Funny, this erection is something I recognize now, maybe even as soon as he does, so I knew I would be needing to scale or surrender to it when I arrived in his city. Perhaps it’s because it’s the only erection I see him with or just time, but this was one was different in a very good way. See, for the first time in our relationship, this bi-blockade was not something that worried me, evening the slightest, because I knew that we would figure it out as we went along. In fact, in a surprise move, Thumper got some Belle action 12 hours before my arrival which, I assumed, would be like fresh concrete grout into the wall, but even that didn’t worry me because I think he and I have finally reached that place where “we are” and, by that, I mean “we are what we are” and it’s a fascinating combination of affection and attraction tightly wrapped in what is becoming a deep friendship that does not have any romantic intentions whatsoever. I think I speak for him when I say that we each take great pride in this fact and weeks like we just closed only serve to enhance that.

What my original post was going to be about was the friendship angle because, as much as I like, well, fucking love the fucking with him, I have found someone that, when he sees me naked, literally and figuratively sees me naked because he knows all the hiding places I have for my kinks in addition to my professional and personal lives too. This visit sex was not the focus, however, truth be told, Thumper being Thumper and me being me, all it took was a wink, a nudge and a tickle and he was naked and the bisexual bunny tongue was activated, but that’s another story for another time. This time we just enjoyed the evolution of our friendship and went running (twice – I still hurt, I hate to run but really really have to body wise) (and, random fact, Thumper does not smell when he sweats – that’s just freaky), watched a ballgame and ate some really good food, although I displeased him by my dinner order because he had significantly changed how I viewed one of my favorite words at that point.

Finally, as long as we are on the friendship angle, I want to give a direct shout out to my twitter crew which consists of about 6-8 people or couples that I interact with most there. I have met two of the group and hope to meet more in real life as I work around the world, but you guys really rock and, although it’s virtual in most ways, I just want to tell you I appreciate the friendship, encouragement, and just the ability to step away from whatever in life is happening at that moment and laugh, tease, and share our mutual kinks, likes, and dislikes. With a few of you, Thumper, Tom, Ferns, etc, I still feel like the odd kid who has gotten to sit at the cool kid’s lunch table because I have read you for so long or invested time with you in other ways, and it’s just fun and nice to know that you are out there, wherever you are, pulling for me.

So, I am home now and it’s a rainy Saturday but my list is long, so, as Thumper would say, I am 900+ words in and have no way to end this, so, happy Saturday, kinky kids.

“Why yes, my boyfriend’s wife does controls his penis.”

Today I bought a new car.

Cars, especially German ones, are one of my few vices and since I lease, it’s something I get to do every 30-36 months and, since I am such a loyal guy, I have pretty much stayed with the same dealership for at least the last eight or nine of mine and Axel’s vehicles.

With that said, there is one lady at the dealership who has been there the entire time I have been a customer. She is the F&I person, which means she has the little windowless office with the giant dot-matrix printer that prints those mile long forms where you go when you are ready to sign everything. Since I actually picked out my car, turned in my lease virtually, and made my deal via email while I was traveling, she was literally my first stop when I got there. We have done business together so many times, that it was very formulaic as she does not try to sell me anything extra nor does she have to explain all of the 11,019 documents one has to sign for such transactions.

So, during this we started talking about Axel, how he was doing, her recent divorce, gay marriage, and right wing republicans, who, coincidentally, scare both of us a great deal. Around this time we started talking about things that most professional people in a professional setting wouldn’t discuss, but, well, fuck it, we did anyway. With this sordid conversation came her declaration that she often wished she had a penis because men, especially in her business, always seem to have the upper hand  and she said she often wondered what would have been different if she had been a man. Following that, she said something along the lines of “of course, I would probably have to give up control because, trust me, you can always control a man if you control his penis”, to which I smirked internally while saying, “you know, that works the same way with gay men too”.

Now, we were both talking about withholding sex, but I doubt she realized I was discussing it with visions of steel and locks dancing in my head, but if there was a way I could have discretely dialed Thumper and just screamed “you are on a call, be quiet and just listen” and then laid my phone down on the desk I would have, because this was just classically funny in the sitcom that often plays out as my life.

From there, I signed my name, initialed here, initialed there, and somehow, just somehow she decided to tell me more about her divorce, how her husband had cheated, and that she was just “done with men” which is when I made a joke about her coming out to me. She laughed and said “actually, I did have little things with women in college, but you know, they are fun, but you know, I am just not capable of starting a life and having an exclusive relationship with a woman, because I just love men”. I laughed which caused her guard to come up and say something like “I know that doesn’t make sense” and, again I laughed thinking of nothing else but Thumper at that point.

I said something like “you know, you can have both, don’t you? have you not ever listened to Dan Savage?” (she had not) and then I said, “actually, I have a really good friend, who is male, but identifies almost exactly as you do. He calls himself bipanflexible or something like that, but it just basically means his penis is driven by both sexes but his heart is driven just by one sex, women”. She looked like I has just told her something that caused a spark to fire in her head, so being the proud cocky one I was at that moment, I decided to take this further by saying “actually, he’s married to a wonderful woman but he has a boyfriend who he cares about in a different kind of way, but it really works for him, his boyfriend, and his wife who is not only completely aware of it, she endorses it.”

Her. Mind. Was. Blown.

She processed this for a bit, while she also processed my down payment, and then said “that’s really great and odd, but how does his boyfriend feel about the wife and that he’s always going to be in second place. Is he not jealous?” It’s a natural question and one that one might immediately ask so I didn’t think much about it which was absolutely obvious seconds later when I said:

“Oh, I don’t mind that at all, she’s a wonderful woman and I think the world of her and have nothing at all to ever be jealous of because the boundaries were always clear.”

I don’t think I heard myself because I wondered why she had such an odd look on her face right before I processed backwards a second while a chorus of “fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck me, fuck” played in my now revealed as the boyfriend head.

She looked at me and rather smiled and said “well, good for you, now do you want your first payment processed today or on the 15th and, oh, I have to ask, does Axel know?”

I said “of course he knows although let’s not tell him I told you, okay?” and then we laughed a bit.

The business was done and we were wrapping up and I thought to myself I should at least close the loop, so when we parted I said, “Oh, ____, one more thing. To go back to the first part of our conversation, despite me being the boyfriend, there is absolutely no doubt at all that his wife controls the penis. In fact, he often says she refers to it as hers, so I think you are on to something there”.

Open Marriage and Boyfriend Sex

So this week I am wandering through Pennsylvania conflicted about life, work, the world, and how the stupidity of some people continue to amaze me.

Regarding life, work, and I guess the world, it’s very weird right now because they have all collided in a way that is not making me happy with any of them nor is it particularly making me angry or sad either. It’s just “unsettled” and I don’t do that well if you haven’t picked up on that already. The job is the job and it ebbs and flows as anyone who also bills by the hour understands. I am having a particularly good month, but some of my colleagues are not, thus causing all sorts of drama that doesn’t really matter to me, yet just creates email exchanges that make my stomach turn with worry at times.

The bigger issue in this category is that Axel and I are both still very, very unsettled.

I feel like I have to give some sort of preamble here that Axel and I will be fine and I am beyond certain about that, but we are just in one of those places where all couples go at times where our interest in each other keeps getting sidelined by events,  emotions, and about eight pounds between us that we have each gained (me 3 him 5) which send those sexy feelings to the back burner. It all started with me returning from Australia in a jet lagged fog and then leaving again in 36 hours only to come home to the disaster weekend that I blogged about. Add to that the suicide of a client last week and, unfortunately, the attempted suicide of another yesterday (there is almost always a second attempt as an attention thing- always), and the man is just emotionally spent. Unfortunately, all of this hit at the same time the Steelheart arrived, the timing of which was supposed to be the “official marking point” of the shift in our relationship, so that has just added another element to this which is beyond our control. We are also both the type of people who will mourn for the plan that didn’t happen while shouldering the responsibility  of the “failure” versus just making a new plan. That is stupid, but just us, and while we know better, it is what it is. So, it’s just bad timing and there has been no sex, not even light petting. Just really no interest on either side, which, again, happens. The groove is starting to come back and hopefully by the time I get home later in the week we will be fucking like bunnies again.

Now, all of that up there out of the way, I still continue to smile every day about how this open marriage thing is working out. Granted, I think it’s more than just the open marriage because it’s also the particulars about how, and especially who, is involved in this particular openness. In our case, what made me really smile Sunday night, while laying in bed trying to force ourselves to go to sleep early since I had to go to the airport at 4am, we started to get a bit flirty, a tad touchy, but the erections were just not there (well, his at least, mine was covered). We just laughed about not having the energy or the current drive (which in itself is pretty damn cool when you think about it) and then Axel said, “Well, a year ago I would have been feeling horrible about not giving you great sex right now because of everything, but, the good news is I am just assuming that you had (and will have) great sex with Thumper, so there’s a ton of pressure off of me. How funny is that? Fuck him well, husband” He went on to say that if I needed to take an extra trip to use up some energy it was fine with him. Of course, he knows it doesn’t work that way schedule wise and he knows I wouldn’t, but the sheer fact he said that made me swoon a bit. Regarding that too, Thumper and I seem to have found an interesting new groove in the long distance, D/s, boyfriendship thing and we are just rolling along groovily. There might even be a third blog out there if anyone is interested in searching that clue for the hidden immunity idol (yes, yes, I still love Survivor). Just sayin’.

Actually, I either tweeted or wrote here last week about Axel saying that Thumper is now “just a part of our extended family” and about the comfort level with which his name now comes up – an act that is paralleling in a similar yet very different way in Thumper’s house – but it’s very true and, to quote Shaggy from Scooby Doo, that’s “neato”. It’s baseball season and Axel being a former pitcher, Thumper being a GIANT fan (though not a Giants fan), and me being in the middle and now a fan too is rather a cute thing because, when timing allows, the three of us have watched several games together with Axel next to me on the sofa, Thumper and I texting, and all three of us going back and forth with each other about the game and/or questions. It’s been suggested that Axel be included and it become a group text, but that was quickly nullified because Thumper and I realized that we would have to clean up our conversation and, at the same time, Axel realized we would have to clean up our conversation, so that idea died as fast as it started.

Finally, my third point in this update post is about the stupidity of some of our fellow blog friends who continue to send me messages about “turning Thumper gay” as if I can be contracted out to do the same to their significant other. It’s crazy because, one just assumes people would know that can not happen, right? And, if it could, I am evidently a huge failure because even Belle is now calling me out, and laughing, about my lack of skill in that department so it’s a no go people. Being gay is clearly is a choice one makes for themselves when they check that extra little box on their first library card and, once that is done, there is no changing it. It’s your permanent record, folks. Nobody fucks with that!

(disclaimer: yes, yes, that was a joke about the choice and the library card. My straight or gay survey came in the mail with my gay card application and invoice for the dues – being Double Gold Star has it’s privileges)

Masculinity vs Manliness vs Submission

A month or so ago I posted about somehow feeling less manly surrounding having my orgasm controlled. Thumper and others jumped on me about this – in both good and bad ways – and I did re-caliper my thinking around that and realized that they were right, that the act of being denied or being controlled does not make one less manly at all. I get that. I really do.

That said, the last few weeks I have had a nagging thought in my head that has really come to the surface this week about my manliness in general and how, if any, my deeper dive into submission is affecting this level. Frankly, I don’t think it has much to do with it at all, but rather my questioning is just part of the natural aging process and due, likely, to my new exposure out of the almost exclusively gay world I have realized I isolated myself in. To be clear, I am not talking about masculinity. I realize that most dictionaries would say that masculinity and manliness are the same thing, but in this situation, I am breaking them apart.

For me, masculinity is rather natural (pause for the joke from Thumper here). I am a big guy in that big guy way. I am not fat but I ain’t little either. My voice is deep and I carry myself rather mightily when I need to and I cannot be graceful to save my life. However, manliness, in this context, is something I have never really had a traditional stronghold in and, frankly, it has never bothered me until recently. By this, I mean that I am not one to always read a sports page first. I am not outdoorsy, and I don’t wear flannel well at all. In my garage sit a German SUV and a German sports sedan versus a giant truck or a more practical Honda and I have always preferred to do the dishes versus take out the trash. I’ve never intentionally gone the the store in sweatpants and would rather die before wearing a sleeveless shirt even to the gym. I have always been sensitive and cared deeply for those in my world and admitted that to them without shame. That’s just me and always has been.

However, over the past few months, that traditional me has been evolving as I have been looking at trucks, enjoying pre-season baseball, and, just yesterday, wore sweatpants to Target. I even took my shirt off in my car this week, just because.

I’ve allowed myself to question whether real manly men would be feeling the way I do when I get lonely on the road or miss Thumper or my other friends when we don’t connect on schedule, because, in my wrongly thought out mind, missing buddies and feeling unconnected are not associated with manliness. I know that is very very wrong and my need to connect is just who I am and these people I am talking about already know those things and deal with them.

The question in my head has been, why?

At first, I was very quick to blame these thoughts on being subjugated by my husband, by my choice though, or by giving him the control of my penis. I allowed myself to fall victim to the being submissive means you are weaker trap and I have been struggling to find my way out of this even though I know it’s absolutely false while also struggling to actually allow it to happen.

I know this is 100 percent false because, as you might have heard, I have seen Thumper in some really primal submissive places but not once, not even for a second, did I ever think of him as any weaker than when he walked in the door in his business attire with his man bag two hours before. I have always seen him as power and submission together, which is one of the things I think is sexy about him. However, even seeing that and knowing that, I have not been able to figure out why I was not able to apply that same logic to myself and allow myself to climb out of the false subbie box of weakness I had fallen in. This has been an area I have just wanted to sit down and discuss with him, as he is my Manliness Consultant, but time has not been our friend this week and this isn’t a text-able thing.

In addition, and to be absolutely candid, the last few months have been the first time, ever, I have questioned not having children. I have felt a void I didn’t know was there in a sense and have wondered if it was the growing older factor, the impending illness of my mother and seeing my role in her care and thinking ahead, or if I just, finally, wanted to go throw a baseball with my kid. It’s been an odd thing, frankly, because, up until now, I have never given it a second thought.

However, tonight I realized that my questioning of my manliness was truly indeed tied to my new levels of submission, kinkiness, and even switchiness, but just not in the way I naturally assumed.

Turns out, I have decided that it has nothing to do with my soon to be encased penis or, for that matter, even Axel at all. It has to do with, well, this.  I have realized that as I have explored this side of me and made new friends, I have accidentally officially come out of my big, sparkly, glittery gay shell and, for the first time in my adult life, I am truly inside the homes and bedrooms of Thumper, my Chicago friends, my New Zealand friend and others who all have these wonderful lives that are so different from the same old two men and a dog groups of guys I have been around for twenty years. Don’t get me wrong, I love my fabulous flaming friends and have an amazing life, but through these open posts, Twitter, and by having a biflexipan boyfriend with a wife and kids, I am now seeing so much more about how life works with other people. So many more variations of love and happiness, and so many things that I knew was there but just generally lacked inside knowledge of the day to day-ness of it.

So, how does this tie into the manliness questioning? Well, I realized that at 45 years old, this is the first time I am making real friendships with straight-ish men and that I am really enjoying it. Don’t get me wrong, I have always had straight male friends, but I have never had the type of relationships with them that I am enjoying now where we talk about life, sex with our spouses – my male one included, where I can ask about breast sizes and vaginas without shame and where I have a true glimpse into the bonding that two men can share and, because these men are open enough, I can talk about the same things with them and give them a glimpse into the same, often boring world, of a same sex marriage. I have decided that the truck thinking, the sports page reading, and outdoorsy envy are just side effects of the exposure that may go away or, if they don’t, such as with baseball, then I am and will be a better man for it. I liken this to when Friends first aired and I was a 20 something who suddenly decided all of the friends in my life were not pretty or quirky enough and I wanted  to go live in a coffee shop in New York. That didn’t last, but elements of it did such as the picture frame I always have on the back of a door and this giant coffee table I am not sitting in front of, but I am a better man for knowing it and having been exposed to it.

I’ve been too hard on myself recently, but through all these things I have realized that admitting my need to submit is really just another expression of me understanding myself and my relationship and nothing more. In fact, all of these things, are just growing pains and were likely to happen with or without a collar. Many of these posts have been about me vowing this or that and MOST I am sticking to such as the gym, trying to be naked more, and feeling free enough to express myself when needed. So, let’s just add this one to the list as I will now officially stop the self questioning and allow my former self and my new self to blend into what I am thinking will be this big ole mix of switch with a metal dick attached.

Comfort

I have learned that comfort is my new key word.

I am rather shocked by this fact; however, I am very happy with it.

First, comfort with Axel.

One thing I have not mentioned here is our mutual friend, Griffin, who I introduced back in January, and Axel have become close and have started down a path of friendship that I suspect is one that is paved with nothing but smooth asphalt. Axel admires him greatly, as do I, and I know that they have talked about him mentoring Axel as a Dom. This, of course, will also involve him helping Axel learn more about me, about how, when, and why I might need control and, most importantly, what to do about it.

Last Friday night when I got home from a trip, we were laying in bed talking and he started talking about Griffin, some of their conversations and how he was really very excited about the possibilities that could lead for him, and for me, as one component of this would surely be me having a session or two with Griffin and then likely being cuckolded in a situation between them. This scenario is a long way out and maybe just a fantasy thought in my/our head at the moment, but, what struck me in that moment was the fact that were were just laying there having that discussion like we were talking about how his car needs to be detailed. In fact, I was very turned on by this fact, even more so than with the conversation topic, thought that did spark some action in my metal spiked region.

He went to sleep and I laid there just basking in the comfort of this conversation, of how he is with Thumper and how the bunny is now almost a daily conversation in our relationship, and with just life. That basking just led to more arousal, and I just had to wake Axel up to show him. It was the right thing to do and I didn’t care if he had a sleep Saturday or not.

Second, comfort with Thumper.

As I write this, I am sitting in just a jockstrap and a T-shirt waiting on Thumper to use his key and walk into my hotel room. We tend to have two one half day visits and this will be the morning that follows the afternoon we had yesterday. If you follow us on Twitter, you will know that yesterday we had some delicious fun that I am quite hoping repeats itself this morning,  although since he greeted me this morning with a text that so eloquently said “You made my butt hole sore” (he’s poetic, that Rabbit) I may have to aim my fire elsewhere. The sex was good. Frankly, the best we have had together. He may or may not write about it, but the sheer greatness to me (well, one of the greatnesses as he does have an ass that doesn’t, well, never mind) was the comfort involved.

By that, I mean that he and I have settled into a pattern now where we have solved all of those teenage angst issues like whether or not our spouses approved, which hotel in town has the sexiest carpet to be fucked on, or who was going to bring which plug to the party, you know, the usual issues the newly intertwined face. Seriously, when I was flying here yesterday I realized that I didn’t have the pre-visit butterflies anymore, that it didn’t matter when he got to me, or the worry that we would not have anything to talk about. It just works now, for what it is, and for that, I am very thankful for the comfort.

It was funny too because last night we went to dinner, an act that Belle insisted he make as to be the perfect host, and were talking about that fact and the fact that Axel had actually texted me a “have fun today” message shortly after I arrived. It made me just say out loud to him that “we just are married to the absolute best people in the world, aren’t we?”, to which he raised his glass and we had a small toast in their honor. That is comfort, my friends.

Third, comfort with me.

Over the last few months you have all watched me evolve a bit and I am very proud of myself for how I have. I have found comfort in being monoga-mish and very much look forward to Axel developing something on the side with the right person himself so he can see the freedom and energy it allows. I am way better to him because of my time, and friendship, with Thumper so maybe I am just selfish and look forward to that for me too.

I am very comfortable with the fact that he now officially controls my penis and that soon it will be locked in steel for him every day of the year I am not with Thumper. I love this fact, actually, and now that I am wearing his cock ring 24/7, I am finding more and more peace with that every time I see it, feel it, or pull his pierced cock out of my pants.

Also, I am finding comfort in having further embraced my kinky self and in starting to mix my muggle and blogging selves into one at a few, specialized, occasions in life. Last week I met a Twitter follower and loved that. In a few weeks I am meeting my Domme idol Ferns, on the other side of the world, and cannot wait for that because I look forward to sharing real names, whole pictures, and actual facts because it is what I have realized all makes me who I am – the complete mix of husband, professional, son, brother, and kinkster all in one.

In addition to the two above, Axel and I have also developed a real friendship with another couple who are, get this, straight-ish, and have enjoyed getting to know the real them in addition to the fact that are very similar in progress and desires to us in a D/s relationship. We have enjoyed long chats on, another get this, Facebook, real Facebook, that have mixed in discussions of what should go up the husband’s ass and when while also talking about how one of their children did at the swim meet or how my mother’s dementia was doing this week. And, by the way, I will meet at least half of this couple tomorrow and cannot wait as it’s just more of my “coming out all over again” tour. There is only good that can come out of this and I am very excited about the possibilities of friendship here as the four of us are all fascinating people. (fyi, I have asked them to choose their blogger names they’d like me to use here, so I will re-introduce you soon)

More soon, but for today, comfort is the word of that day (except for, perhaps, Thumper and that butt hole issue).

Inside the Bunny (and outside Axel)

So, it’s been a funny, yet, fun week.

To quickly sum it up I had a really slow work week; had my mother ask me if I had recently had an orgasm; had an orgasm; upsized my Prince Albert to a 4 gauge; finalized, paid, and submitted my Steelheart order; reached new, deeper levels of emotional and physical submission with Axel; got to spend naked, friend, and friendly-naked time with Thumper; bought a new travel bag that rocks beyond belief and potentially will not make my arm continue to go numb due to its design; bought myself a new Njoy 2.0 which is just like art designed to go up one’s rectum; and had great BBQ nachos – twice.

Oh yeah, and, I forgot to mention, I went vibrator shopping with my boyfriend for a new toy for his wife.

It was fascinating.

All sizes and textures. All those speeds. All those pastel colors. Ones with floppy little things on the top. Ones without. Ones that vibrate lightly. Ones that seem to simulate a donkey punch to one’s vagina. Oh, the questions and the enlightenment all wrapped into one pastel colored flowery box. It was delightfully fun.

To go back to the day with Thumper. It was great. I’m not going into any of the sexual details because it’s really not something that needs to be discussed, but this time, if there was any issue it was mine because the new ring caused some pain and the condom I chose was too small causing some edema, so, let’s just say I was not at my best and felt really awful about that. On the flip side, the bisexual bunny tongue is still one of the best tongues out there. Unfortunately for the world it is able to be marketed to a very limited audience, but, let’s just say, that if it were on the market, it would not come in a pastel box. I think that box would be a unibody stainless steel product with a nice black leather clasp with some sort of delicate jewel, you know, for the ladies, as the attachment point.

The other thing about these visits are they really are just fun and allow me to just be me for one whole afternoon or day because being around someone who knows your nastiest kinks and still thinks you are swell enough to lick, is just a great, open feeling. I think most of you can sense this through his writing, but something he can’t particularly address in the first person, nor can you really know yourself, is Thumper is just a fucking good man all the way around. His style, looks, deep intelligence, dark humor, and his love for Belle and his offspring just show in his eyes when he talks about his life and people just feel better when he is in the room. I certainly do, even when he’s not naked. He never fails to teach me something about politics, baseball, clitoral regions, and how to better access porn each and every time I am around him. Oddly, however, somehow these talks usually cause me to spend money.

Anyway, I think I can tell you that now without it worrying that it sounds romantic or too clingy or any of that shit we all worried about when we met because I think I realized that, whether or not it has actually been acknowledged formally, I think we finally have a settled definition of those attached elastic strings we wanted when we started versus the usually bolded NO STRINGS ATTACHED most men in our positions typically seek. It’s definition is fluid and has no actual words, but it’s one we just “know” and don’t really have to ever discuss again.

Oh, and by the way, I teach him things too. At the present I am not sure what they are, but, I know I have. Hmmmm.

On the Axel front, I think we are better than we have been in 17 years and I mean that with 112% accuracy. As great of a day as I had yesterday, I was just ready to come out of my skin during the last 30 minutes of my flight home because I was going to get to see him and take him to dinner – which he paid for thanks for a very clever Facebook post on my part. One of the best parts was at dinner when we were waiting on the aforementioned BBQ nachos (I mean, I do live in the BBQ capital of the WORLD) and he said, “So tell me about your day”. Having had the doors fly open on what Thumper and I do during our leather weekend a few weeks back, I soon found myself talking about the tight condom, the pinching ring, and the fact that Thumper thought it got in the way of his teeth. Then,THEN, I realized what I was doing and just stopped cold. COLD.

It was almost as awkward when, yesterday, I was waiting in the security line watching a really cute business man walk toward me and realized he was very handicapped in his gait when, at that point, I had the “don’t stare, stop looking at this cute man because he’s going to think it’s because of that and not how cute he is” voice in my head screaming at me (don’t judge, you have all done it) and, when, at that point he got his bad leg caught on something and fell flat on the floor. Hard. It was awkward because, he saw me, but laying there like that, he was no longer cute and I just had to walk away. FAST.

(I am so kidding, I helped him up, he made a joke, I wrestled with the voice in my head about whether I should laugh at it with him, and then I went to a separate entrance which Thumper teases me about).

Now, back to Axel, at that awkward moment I looked up and he was just beaming. Ear to ear smiling because he said, “You know, I really just meant to ask if you had gotten upgraded on the flight, BUT, I am very glad to hear that and would you even have ever believed we could be so “this” about this conversation, in public even. This new relationship has been so good for you, Drew, and I am very proud of all four of us”. It made me really, really warm inside before the next line was “So don’t fuck it up” (which he was smiling as he said it).

I also talked to him about me being more open on this blog about our “new” dynamic and he was okay with that, so some of this you will see moving forward. I had been careful with that because of Axel and also because of Thumper as I think it may be hard for him to think of submitting to a sub at times, although just those times, but, I think his really really slutty “I want to be used” part of his brain will hopefully one day find that a turn on in itself. He and I discussed it too, so good to go when I decide to actually do go there.

Finally, in summary,  I think I was just writing this post to tell you it was a good day and I am so happy these days. Many of you have played a role in that too by helping me be honest with myself and those around me, so thank you as well.

Tonight we have reservations at a great spot in town, so that will be fun too.

Now, be warned, this is likely the last of these happy posts because in the next 48 hours I will start a diet, bind myself to my gym plan, try to start running again (that will be Wed), and will be flying a combined 37 hours to my 10 day assignment which I have gotten out of the practice of doing. The worst part, though, is I have been home just long enough to have forgotten just what it’s really, really like to miss Axel and Stella (so have they) so that alone just makes it a tough ride without even counting the fucking rocket salads I am going to have to eat (ask Ferns, it’s “their” word for fancy lettuce).

Happy last day of January to you.

Flipping the Switch – Borrowing Thumper’s Ass

By now, you all know that about four months ago I relinquished perceived ownership of Thumper’s ass in exchange for a friendship with him that continues to grow in different directions – all of which are educational, fun, and have truly been a gift to, I think I speak for him, both of us. What that left us with was the fact that Belle now let’s me “borrow” his ass once a month or so (and two high holidays per year and one weekend every summer). I have to promise not to break it, damage it, or leave it open each time or risk losing my security deposit and, frankly, you don’t want to know what that penalty is.

Anyway, all signs are that the end of the this week will be my next chance to use it and, due to the switch part of me and the now chronicled horniness, I plan to take full advantage of this gift I have been given and have mental plans that will take it to that place of rocket fire and, hopefully, leave it there for an extended period of time.

It’s funny, because, I have found that the more I am into all of this, I am very glad that I have a personality and a mind that let’s me compartmentalize things and act accordingly. Meaning, I have a career where I might have seven clients at once that might range from a religious institution to a gay rights group and I have had to learn to adapt my way of thinking completely within minutes of time. In this case, I have been able to use that job training to see myself as both Axel’s sub and his husband and as both Thumper’s friend and his tormentor.

In the case of Thumper, the friend part of me would not want anything to harm the man and I am looking forward to sharing a meal with him and a hot chocolate later the next day just as much as I am looking forward to using him like a cheap whore who really needs a very thorough fuck followed by a spanking in between. I am very lucky that we have learned that he can switch his thinking as well because this shift in dynamics is quite fun and, odd as it may sound, the comfort level with each other is what will allow me to treat him as nothing more than a hole I want to hurt at the right moment in time. Because, as we all know, I like the sound he makes when I hurt him and he really, badly wants to make that sound – often.

Also, Axel asked me the other day if I missed the days when Thumper had orders, plug goals, or other areas of focus and the answer was no, because, while not an everyday or even every week thing, those things still have a background for the time when I do borrow the ass and the slut part of him will make sure of it. As a for instance, he’s had one task to do for me now for the last few weeks that has not been done. I think that, deep down, he knows he will pay for that. In fact, there are two ways he’s going to pay and only one involves the new paddle, but I will wait and let that be a post from him later in the weekend.

So, if nothing else, the horniness now has only proven the switch aspect to me more and more and I am very grateful to Belle for the loan, Thumper for his “talent”, and to Axel for understanding that keeping me chaste benefits both sides of me and gives the bisexual bunny the whore time he needs as well.

Finally, as an update to this morning’s post, evidently something is planned tonight and I will be allowed to orgasm if I can do it without touching myself. It’s a lofty goal, friends, because in the 34 years my penis has been fully functioning, I can’t recall an instance where that has happened.

However, never say never.