Masturbating by Macbook

Yesterday I went for a run. Well, a run/walk kind of trail thing because I have learned I am just not a huge fan of running on pavement and I don’t have the stamina to run more than a mile or so on a trail without walking. Anyway, at the end of my run Thumper called, I stopped, found a nice spot by the river and we sat and chatted for awhile. It was a conversation of random subjects, however, in the twelve hours that have followed, two things we discussed happened to appear, one rather randomly.

The first is a muggle-ish life detail not for this blog that did just appear out of the blue, but it was a big deal in many ways, makes me proud and makes me want to say “congrats, a well deserved honor indeed”.

The second, was that he and I were talking about a post he was about to write (that he did post last night here) regarding addictions to pornography, pleasuring one’s self, chastity, female sex organs and other very similar topics in which he is an expert and, without really anything of it, he pretty much predicted how my night would go

It’s been no secret that Axel and I have been distant since that horrible weekend at the beginning of April. We have been pleasant, had a good time together in life, but there has been no sexual energy and no, zero D/s activity. As you also know, the following week coincided with the arrival of the Steelheart which was supposed to mark many changes in our lives, but because of all the rubble created by the stone in the kitchen and the steel in the street that weekend combined with the actions of one of his client’s that shook him much harder than I think either of us expected the following week, any kinkiness, or frankly, horniness, we had went out the window and was very hard to re-energize. I wore the Steelheart for a few days, but he didn’t seem to notice when it was on or off, so I took it off, put it in a drawer where it still sits waiting. I am different in the chastity than Thumper in that, for me, it’s not about denial but more about giving Axel the control over my penis and if he didn’t want it this month, I simply wasn’t going to wear it.

So, last night I could not sleep. Not at all. Some of it was these things were on my mind and a rather strong sense of disappointment in both myself and Axel for allowing our progress to go backwards – yet again. Some was a work project that is looming over me like one of those dark, scary clouds you see in Disney movies. And some was just simply me being horny thanks to some of Thumper’s actions of the day and a bit was the god damned dishwasher that was happily beeping to say it had finished – I have got to fix that setting somehow. All these things combined did not equate rest, so I got up about 2am and, surprise, surprise, found myself looking at copious amounts of porn while also scanning the This Old House website (there has to be a special name for that combined perversion). Since Axel had not said anything to me recently about pleasuring myself or not pleasuring myself, I decided “fuck it” and soon found myself naked in the big dark room downstairs that was lit only in the blue hue of the macbook. It had been weeks since I had done that so I took my time, enjoyed the moment and was soon the master of my domain again.

Following that climax, I was energized and still couldn’t sleep, so I stayed downstairs until about 4:45 before going back up and crawling into bed with Axel. Karma being the bitch she is, I woke him up in doing so and, for the first time in three weeks, the man crawled on top of me ready to roll. Fuckin’ hell. In that moment I thought about pretending I was asleep, saying I had a headache, waking up Stella who would HAVE to go out, but no, me being me, I fessed’ up which led to a really interesting naked conversation at 5am that culminated with us taking a shower together at 6am followed by him making me bacon at 6:15 – the good bacon too. Applewood.

No, we did not have sex, but we laid it all out on the bed about how we have been feeling. He was still angry, confused, and a bit hurt that I had called him weak that weekend and didn’t know how to process it. He said he had indeed been thinking about the chastity, the rules, and what we had planned, but in his mind he put up a wall almost blocking me from accessing that from him out of punishment. It’s very twisted when you realize that this method is the “I am punishing you by giving you full access to your penis” method and I doubt it’s going to one day make it into Thumper’s book on chastity which we all know he is destined to write some day. I explained to him that, from a sub point of view, it really doesn’t work that way and that I had tried to continue with what we had set expectation wise, but when he became disinterested, so did I. I really wanted to pin every bit of this staleness on him because it’s just easier, but, I also realized I have been purposely “chilly” as well and have not projected the “I’m gonna fuck you like a whore” vibe I generally like to project at home and, coincidently, while giving speeches at work.

It was 5am on a workday so we didn’t get much of anything resolved, but maybe we don’t have to dig deep to fix things and perhaps we will just start again as I expect an email sometime today telling me to lock up and where to put my key. It’s very much a blessing when you realize that you have the ability to communicate to fix issues so we don’t take that lightly. In fact, I have a post planned about that very topic soon because I have a few new friends who I feel are struggling in that arena.

Finally, no, it’s not the perfect fix, but it feels nice to now have it all out there and ready to be dealt with again. Stay tuned.

Open Marriage and Boyfriend Sex

So this week I am wandering through Pennsylvania conflicted about life, work, the world, and how the stupidity of some people continue to amaze me.

Regarding life, work, and I guess the world, it’s very weird right now because they have all collided in a way that is not making me happy with any of them nor is it particularly making me angry or sad either. It’s just “unsettled” and I don’t do that well if you haven’t picked up on that already. The job is the job and it ebbs and flows as anyone who also bills by the hour understands. I am having a particularly good month, but some of my colleagues are not, thus causing all sorts of drama that doesn’t really matter to me, yet just creates email exchanges that make my stomach turn with worry at times.

The bigger issue in this category is that Axel and I are both still very, very unsettled.

I feel like I have to give some sort of preamble here that Axel and I will be fine and I am beyond certain about that, but we are just in one of those places where all couples go at times where our interest in each other keeps getting sidelined by events, ¬†emotions, and about eight pounds between us that we have each gained (me 3 him 5) which send those sexy feelings to the back burner. It all started with me returning from Australia in a jet lagged fog and then leaving again in 36 hours only to come home to the disaster weekend that I blogged about. Add to that the suicide of a client last week and, unfortunately, the attempted suicide of another yesterday (there is almost always a second attempt as an attention thing- always), and the man is just emotionally spent. Unfortunately, all of this hit at the same time the Steelheart arrived, the timing of which was supposed to be the “official marking point” of the shift in our relationship, so that has just added another element to this which is beyond our control. We are also both the type of people who will mourn for the plan that didn’t happen while shouldering the responsibility ¬†of the “failure” versus just making a new plan. That is stupid, but just us, and while we know better, it is what it is. So, it’s just bad timing and there has been no sex, not even light petting. Just really no interest on either side, which, again, happens. The groove is starting to come back and hopefully by the time I get home later in the week we will be fucking like bunnies again.

Now, all of that up there out of the way, I still continue to smile every day about how this open marriage thing is working out. Granted, I think it’s more than just the open marriage because it’s also the particulars about how, and especially who, is involved in this particular openness. In our case, what made me really smile Sunday night, while laying in bed trying to force ourselves to go to sleep early since I had to go to the airport at 4am, we started to get a bit flirty, a tad touchy, but the erections were just not there (well, his at least, mine was covered). We just laughed about not having the energy or the current drive (which in itself is pretty damn cool when you think about it) and then Axel said, “Well, a year ago I would have been feeling horrible about not giving you great sex right now because of everything, but, the good news is I am just assuming that you had (and will have) great sex with Thumper, so there’s a ton of pressure off of me. How funny is that? Fuck him well, husband” He went on to say that if I needed to take an extra trip to use up some energy it was fine with him. Of course, he knows it doesn’t work that way schedule wise and he knows I wouldn’t, but the sheer fact he said that made me swoon a bit. Regarding that too, Thumper and I seem to have found an interesting new groove in the long distance, D/s, boyfriendship thing and we are just rolling along groovily. There might even be a third blog out there if anyone is interested in searching that clue for the hidden immunity idol (yes, yes, I still love Survivor). Just sayin’.

Actually, I either tweeted or wrote here last week about Axel saying that Thumper is now “just a part of our extended family” and about the comfort level with which his name now comes up – an act that is paralleling in a similar yet very different way in Thumper’s house – but it’s very true and, to quote Shaggy from Scooby Doo, that’s “neato”. It’s baseball season and Axel being a former pitcher, Thumper being a GIANT fan (though not a Giants fan), and me being in the middle and now a fan too is rather a cute thing because, when timing allows, the three of us have watched several games together with Axel next to me on the sofa, Thumper and I texting, and all three of us going back and forth with each other about the game and/or questions. It’s been suggested that Axel be included and it become a group text, but that was quickly nullified because Thumper and I realized that we would have to clean up our conversation and, at the same time, Axel realized we would have to clean up our conversation, so that idea died as fast as it started.

Finally, my third point in this update post is about the stupidity of some of our fellow blog friends who continue to send me messages about “turning Thumper gay” as if I can be contracted out to do the same to their significant other. It’s crazy because, one just assumes people would know that can not happen, right? And, if it could, I am evidently a huge failure because even Belle is now calling me out, and laughing, about my lack of skill in that department so it’s a no go people. Being gay is clearly is a choice one makes for themselves when they check that extra little box on their first library card and, once that is done, there is no changing it. It’s your permanent record, folks. Nobody fucks with that!

(disclaimer: yes, yes, that was a joke about the choice and the library card. My straight or gay survey came in the mail with my gay card application and invoice for the dues – being Double Gold Star has it’s privileges)