G’day from Down Under. There have been several interesting things this week in the mailbox including one that offended me and one that intrigued me. I will write about the offensive one later as I am still processing my thoughts, but the intriguing one involves a guy named Niles who contacted me who is “me” in a relationship very similar to Thumper and Belle. I was in flight when I got this and responded with a “wow, give me some time” and, so, well, Niles, here is your response for the world to see! (fyi, I did clear this with Niles)
“Drew, stumbling upon your blog I was blown away and spent almost 12 hours reading it from start to finish and then moved on to Thumper’s where I am still engrossed. I say this because I am also the third partner in a situation like yours and need your advice. To start, I am 33 years old, live in London, and am married to a man who let’s me explore my kinks which are chastity and control release, so I am a locked bottom at home and mostly in a mature metal cage or a behind barz full belt. My husband hates fucking and just uses me orally and, as you know, a locked boy needs to be fucked, so he has let me explore. About six months ago I met a heterosexual couple in Berlin where the husband is submissive to his wife but has a strong dom bisexual side that he likes to explore with men. We bonded quickly and, within days, he was holding my key and giving me orders and I visited and got fucked in ways that I had NEVER experienced. It was going so well and then it wasn’t. He disengaged and lost contact with me and a few weeks later was right back on it with immediate orders and demands. I, of course, immediately responded by doing those only to have them go away again. This has been a cycle and I am worried that I contact too much or not enough but he has the only keys to my belt and it makes me worry. I am not in love with him, but I miss him and then worry about missing him, etc. Is this normal? In reading your posts it’s like you two became boyfriends instantly with both spouses happy and I am just not getting this. Did I make a mistake?”
So, I have to laugh and really call out my gay self here because I feel like Carrie Bradshaw with this question and even found myself reading it hearing Sarah Jessica Parker’s voice. Luckily, that delusional side didn’t last long so here is my response, Niles.
No, I don’t think you made a mistake at all because in whatever time you have had you admit you have gained experiences you didn’t have before and have had incredible sex. Putting this to my situation, yours doesn’t sound that different than mine aside from time and the reverse roles. In the beginning, when Drew met Thumper we were giddy, I traveled there as much as I could, he bent over as much as he could, we chatted, we talked, we irritated our spouses because we got caught up in the newness. That lasted awhile and then faded and the boyfriend word was never used again. But, we continued doing all of the above, but just in lesser intensities.
Now, you hit on something Thump and I have talked a lot about too in that, in your case, I translate to the weeks you say he is very much on to you as a Dom and even micromanaging your tasks, etc. I might get slammed for this, but, on my end, in my head I call those “Thumper’s gay weeks” and I have learned that they are what they are. He and I will go strong and, as you say, then we don’t, and it’s usually not my call despite my Dom side. In my head, I just accepted that because I, like you, am married to a man, gay sex and discussions of male on male things is common place. And, when that week of kinky male on male sexual acrobatics is done, you and I go home to something that looks like we just had, even if the actions are sadly not the same.
I am not sure I have actually discussed this with Thump this way, but when he would leave me after a sex date or at the end of one of those challenge weeks, he went home to something that looked WAY different with kids, females, etc. I honestly can’t imagine the switching back and forth that has to go on, even though I have witnessed some of it first hand, in his mind and admire the fuck out of him for being able to do that at times.
Now, I get where you are coming from because, in full bluntness, at the beginning of our relationship I would often feel a bit used (as did he is a completely different way – HA) when suddenly I wasn’t in vogue at the moment, but I learned to adjust to that and knew it was never personal. Our friendship remained tight. In fact, right now he and I are in one of those zones where we are not talking much and I would bet he doesn’t know where I am this week, but I also know that if I needed him he’d answer the phone and, if I really wanted him to go take his underwear off just to feel a bit used, he might bitch a bit, but he’d do it because, whether we talk or even act it, he’s still submissive to me and after four years there is no longer any wavering on that fact (that was mostly my issue but better now).
So, all this to wrap up in a sentence really means that if you are enjoying it and the Dom is good to you when he is using you, just adapt and give it time. I would assume since he holds your keys you have to have some regular contact, and, if you don’t that is an entirely different type post, but find your ground rules and go with it. Thumper and I were not afraid to communicate our needs to each other, ever, and that continues to shape our friendship when and when it doesn’t have benefits.
As I wrap this up, the thought just occurred to me that are you afraid to say how you feel BECAUSE you are in the sub role? If that is the case, write back because there will be 100 comments to you about how you should never feel that way.