It’s Axel’s birthday week and he likes jocks. Specifically, he likes me in jocks. So, for his week, each night I am sending a new picture to him. Why not post them, I said?
Spoiler alert: Long dreadful post ahead.
There have been many times in my life where I could look at one single event and pinpoint how that one thing I did triggered everything that followed. When I do look back like that, it seems to be an equal mix of good and bad, but it’s always fascinating to me.
Meeting Thumper is one of those moments and I still remember the day when he and I first talked. It was during that conversation that I remember feeling a little bit of my insecurities about sex and my kinks fly away because I was talking to someone who I had watched through the years send his flying too and he, an actual person, was listening to me talk about them out loud and he was doing the same thing. As he and I continued our boy/friend/sub/friendship, little pieces of those insecurities continued to fly away almost every day as this blog was started and as I continued to accept more and more about myself.
We will get back to how all of what I just said matters in a minute, but over the last few weeks I have walked around with a tremendous amount of guilt for some reason. I have wanted to take responsibility for everything and have allowed myself to feel guilt for the fact that I am never home and the projects that need to get done are not getting done, guilt for the fact that Axel and I have not had stellar sex in awhile, guilt for the fact that Thumper and I don’t talk baseball like we used to and even more guilt for allowing myself to miss that like I do, guilt for the American Express bill being double what I wish it was, guilt for looking at porn versus writing, guilt for being healthy while Axel continues to struggle, guilt for this, guilt for that, and, above all, a guilt for being kinky and time consuming and wanting more than what I have when what I have is so good in so many ways. Added to this is a weird guilt for shielding a side of myself from this blog and those who read it even though we all know why I use a fake name and never list my social security number. To be clear, it hasn’t been depression or anxiety nor has it been debilitating, but it’s just been there, like in that cloud that followed Pigpen everywhere he went, swirling around.
The funny thing is that I know when it hit me. It was one night when I was at home and Axel was still at work and I logged into Scruff to just look around and see who was where and who was showing their penis that night. On that app, like most, I did not have a face pic up but the typical Drew leg shot and saw a few people who Axel and I know socially, etc. One of them immediately started to give me shit about being on there instead of being with my husband and, despite my saying that it was fine, that Axel knew, and that my profile clearly said chat only, he didn’t let up and told me that if I were truly okay with things that I would have a face picture proudly showing – a fact I could not argue and win – because that app/profile has nothing to do with kink, doesn’t talk about my love of steel cocks, or even mention that I like to hurt people or maybe want to get hurt by them at the same time. Though it truly said chat only, as you know, the flirty, possibly naked line is one I would be willing cross for the right man and have permission to do so if I wanted, but I was not willing to admit this to those in the local community who, if I did use the word “open” would then know all about me and Axel and, gasp, might judge us. He called me a coward that night and, while I laughed it off, apparently it stuck because that was June and I have thought about it almost every day since then in some form or another. It’s just one word, open, yet I was so closed to it.
I am talking about this like it was a 300 pound weight shackled to my ankle and it really was and is not, but it was “there” and just being “there” had apparently bothered me more than I realized. It manifested yesterday when I was with my mother, who, fyi now has a proper diagnosis, setting up a new giant iPad for her to do memory games, read news, and do anything and everything that will help her mind stay in the present world and her hand/eye coordination in sync. As we played with it, I loaded an app that takes photos and turns them into giant, preschoolish jigsaw puzzles. I was excited about this because, as I was growing up, she and I would almost always have a giant 1,000+ piece puzzle in some stage of completion on the dining room table and many nights we would find ourselves in there just talking and working for hours on end on what seemed to always be a snowy scene with a barn in it. So, armed with those memories I launched the app and she was thrilled with it but could not get past an eight piece puzzle without help and, when she did, she was so excited that she had completed it that it was as sweet as it was sad. At that moment, something broke in me and I had never wanted to cry so much so badly but knew that I just could not at that moment (of course I am now). I made up some excuse to leave and quickly gathered my things and Stella (my rarely now mentioned dog) and headed to the car while smiling on the outside. I had almost made a full escape when she walked outside, motioned for me to roll down the passenger window (with that crank symbol that only those of us over 30 would know) and said, “Drew, thank you. Just so you know, the absolute last thing I will forget is how proud of you I am and how you have never backed away from a fight while always being true to yourself above all things”.
She. Said. That. (or something really close to it, as I was wailing in my head and might not have heard everything)
I think even Stella was crying too as I backed out of the driveway because, well, just because. However, the help of hearing that actually overwhelmed the hurt of feeling it so much that I felt some of the guilt going away. The timing was odd, but last night I added the word “monogamish” (it’s good enough for Savage) to the Scruff profile at the same time I added a face pic too.
So, to go full circle here, that was one of those moments that I have absolutely no doubt I will look back and and remember what it triggered. This is getting too long, but that part of the profile was noticed this morning and I spent most of the afternoon talking with a friend who actually knows me, the real me, about my chastity device, my latex and leather and, get this, his kinks too because, apparently, other people have them also!
But, it’s late and that conversation will have to wait until the next post but it will be worth it cause it was fun.
Fuck, I want to hurt someone today (in that good, good way, of course).
I wouldn’t actually say I am particularly horny, just somewhat “sadisticy”. I wish I knew why this particular tickle has hit me, more for curiosity’s sake than anything else, though I do have to admit it would be nice to know just for future reference when I need to channel it a bit more.
Of course, Thumper offered his own theories in the following text, but I kinda doubt he’s right because I am really not that much into moon cycles and all the hippie jazz like him, but at least he tried.
I think it’s a stress thing for me and, since through this experience I have allowed myself to both acknowledge and accept during the last few years with Thumper, I think I have learned that it’s okay to let my inner sadist rage if that is what is going to make me feel more peaceful and happy. To me, it’s feeling somewhat like the need to orgasm in that it’s not anything I HAVE to do, but it sure would be something nice to do and I think I sure would smile after. But, having no one to discipline (last call, any volunteers?), I think I will watch this episode of “Drew’s Inner Workings” and take notes to see if I can channel it for the next time I need it.
In all seriousness, I know it’s stress. As most of you have figured out, sometimes, as a facet of my career, I am often like the guy from Up in the Air, minus the Clooney hair. I have just started a new project that will have me reshaping the culture of an office every week or two over the next eight months and today was just the second day of what appears to be a draining engagement – at least at the start. Since yesterday I have had 27 one to one meetings with people to discuss their roles in the future plans and it takes every bit of energy I have to do that, especially knowing I have 23 more before I leave tomorrow. It’s not terrible and it’s frankly not bad news for most of them, but the receptiveness of this has just caused visions of Thump’s red ass and swollen nipples into my mind and, fuck, that is a nice distraction.
Okay, my lunch break is over as there is a man with a really, I mean, REALLY, bad tie standing outside my door looking like he’s going to irritate me before he even sits down so it’s time to take my mind back to those lovely sounds a sub makes right before I take my hand and…
So, happy new week everyone. I am aboard what I think is the only on time Delta flight today, a fact that would normally be thrilled about, but with the global service outage they had this morning, I had finagled a way to cancel the trip and have my entire week at home, but, alas, my fucking flight was on time. The good news is that I am off to the land of Thumper. He’s been in the woods and we have not talked, but surely we will be able to have a dinner or two and some other time together. It seems like forever since I saw him, though it really hasn’t been that long. I am supposed to meet Belle on one of these trips, but hopefully not this one because I didn’t bring my meeting Belle shoes, so I might be embarrassed.
On the kinky front, bless his heart, Axel is trying but, in the same ole same ole, we have just been dealing with the heaviness that is life sometimes. I have not posted much about this at all, but since my last Mom post, she had a series of small strokes and was finally diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, which, just happened to be the same week that Axel’s father was also diagnosed with it too. In both cases it was known something was wrong, but his father is in his early 60’s which was a bit of a shock (Ax and I are the same age but they just start really early deeper down South) but it still just sucks and causes those thoughts about things we didn’t want to deal with yet. But, that is that and is something that will be dealt with and, in the case of my Mom at least, we are rather happy because now there is a treatment/care path that could really have a definite impact, so we will just see things as they come and deal with them best we can.
On the friendships front, you all know my friend Kiwi (fyi, not his real name) from here and Twitter and he and I had a nice iMessage chat last night where he started off by telling me how he had been really worried about me because I had “just not seemed like myself” the last few months. That made me smile because he really is like an old Jewish mother inside a firm, tall Scottish body and I appreciated the caring, but it made me worry that if I have given off that vibe, that I have not meant to. That said, I know I have posted less and about less fun things, but the novelty of the locked boyfriend on the side thing wore off and, though I seriously, seriously, like it, one can only write so much about Thumper’s ass (at least from outside, hmmmm, perhaps a challenge?). But all is good and no worries if you have been worried. I swear I still smile 93 percent of any given day.
Oh, and speaking of Kiwi, he is like a weird kinky little brother to me, emphasis on weird, and he recently got a big boy job and moved his whole family across country so he could get even more proficient in adulting. I am uber proud of the young lass and wish him nothing but fantastic luck as he takes this next journey.
Finally, there is a new boy. Nah, not really like that, but the guy I posted the last post in response to his letter and I have been talking and he’s a nice distraction to all the above in that in the short time we have talked, he has reminded me of all the fun I had when I started this bog when I got to meet some new friends who were just as kinky as me and, mostly normal (ahem, Kiwi) too. I had met this group, enjoyed them, continue to enjoy them, and in doing so, like I often do, I closed off my mind to more and just let a few nice people slip through. But, this boy, who I shall call…..hmmmmmm, Train travels a ton, is locked in steel, is smart, is witty, and is beautiful in face, body and spirit so we have at least the first few of those in common. And, when you add that with the fact that he has a vanilla husband of 20+ years who, like my vanilla husband of 18 years, allows him to get his kink on, it’s great fodder for building a friendship. So, while we may never physically touch each other (we have not discussed that yet), I love the building of a friendship and think this might have elements that would mean we would stay in touch, which makes me happy.
So, that’s about it for this round of updates. The plane is bouncing left, right and sideways, so it’s time to close my eyes and let it.
Over the last year I have been asked multiple times about how the Steelwerk’s device, with their one of a kind S-screw, goes on and how difficult it is to install it since there are so many little screws.
So, on Sunday I received a long email from a recon buddy who was seeking more information about Steelwerks, how it feels, and how it installs, etc, so instead of sending him one message, I thought I would attach his entire letter here along with my comments.
So, here we go…
Hi Drew. XXXX from Recon here. Firstly, I am SO sorry I sent this as such a ridiculously long message on Recon. Email makes much more sense and I’m sorry I was thinking with my dick earlier and not my brain. Being an avid follower, I know how busy your schedule is so please only answer when and if you have the time (little did he know I would loudly answer). I’m not in any rush. Here’s what I wrote you on Recon...
Thanks for the reply. I appreciate the help and will do my best not to annoy you with too many questions. I tend to be very methodical about my research, especially when looking into something as important as a Steelwerks cage! I think some feedback from a wearer like yourself could be very helpful. Also, we both come from the Church of Thumper when it comes to this stuff and we both have Steelworxx Steelhearts, though you’re much wiser than me since you’ve already upgraded from that model. So in no particular order…
I’m curious about the process of putting the cage on and taking it off. How many of those little S screws does is require to get on and off? Including the scrotal cuff? How long does it take? I ask because my cage comes on and off frequently for exercise (I’m a serious athlete and I don’t think I want to be fumbling for 5 minutes twice a day with little screws that can get lost easily). Generally, I’m curious how the entire assembly goes together. Fancy making a short video for your blog or Twitter followers showing the procedure? (Not perving here, genuinely curious.)
Okay, about the screws. Yes, they are small and there are a lot of them; HOWEVER, while you could undo them all and take the cage apart piece by piece, the reality is there are only two screws you have to play with and that is for the ring and for the attachment point. I learned how to slide the ring on already closed, so, for me, that literally left the main screw where the cage attaches to the ring. That screw is larger than all of the others and has a thicker diameter, so, once you get the hang of how to use the key in the S screw, it literally just takes seconds to put on. Much like how you can just slip the lock into the Steelheart. As a note, if I take out my PA, I have another screw with that which is tiny, but it’s really fast and easy but I have just learned to do any of this while sitting on or standing over a white towel because, if I don’t take precautions, I will always drop that tiny screw into the abyss.
Though I certainly can’t call myself an athlete, I have never found anything where the Steelwerks gets in the way such as biking, lifting, etc – but, as you know, I do take mine off a lot, likely more than anyone who owns a SW, so I understand where you are coming from and would tell you not to worry about it too much because, after a week or two with it, you will be able to let it go on and off in less than two minutes – which includes getting the towel.
And on there video, nah. I am shy (ha).
Does your hollow PA jewelry (the one that secures the cage) work well? Is pissing a messy affair or does it actually direct all the piss in the proper direction? I’ve got a PA so I realize sitting is usually a good idea regardless of chastity but I’m particular interested in the effectiveness of your custom hollow jewelry.
To put it plainly, the locking hollow barbell I have is AMAZING. Not only does it just feel good inside my PA, I can aim at the bowl while standing better than pre-PA because it doesn’t have that randomness that sometimes happens just because. For me, it’s a beautiful piece, especially because I can piss in a plane lavatory without having to sit and without worry. The only thing I have to worry about is that sometimes urine can stay just inside the tube and without an extra shake or seven and/or without a dab of toilet paper, you can sometimes get a small wet place on the front of your pants which has happened to me only at the most inappropriate times and places; however, I lave learned to wear darker pants on those days just because and am still trying to remember to shake.
Steelwerks does not have these on their website, but I know he will still make them if requested. Due to the sizing of the tubing, the smallest he will now make is a 2 gauge, but it’s so good that it’s worth stretching to get there. Seriously, I feel that if you could only ever afford one Steelwerks purchase, this is the one to have. Plus, when the cage is on, it locks to it which means triple security for those of you who have wandering hands.
Is the scrotal cuff practical is any way or is just kind of a fun additional piece of the puzzle? I ask because I have low hanging balls. While I love swinging them around, they aren’t ideal for chastity. The weight of the steelheart and the looseness of my sack means the ring never sits where it belongs against my stomach and is always “drooping” like an ill-fitted cock ring. That makes the cage hang half way down my dick (tho it’s still secure thanks to the PA fixing). One of the things attracting me to Steelwerks is the cuff and if it would help solve that issue. But I’m not sure if it would actually help with that or not.
I have the same issue with my balls and the cuff absolutely helps hold them down and flat, though in all honesty, the regular SW ring does that too which, in my theory alone, is because the ring is titanium and weighs so little that it “directs” them versus pressing them down. But, the stretcher is something that I love and do not regret adding to my order, but it is also something I wear very rarely because most of my pants, jeans, and suits are cut too tight in the crotch to allow any room which leaves me literally sitting on my balls – which is not pleasant – so I use the other ring (fyi – if you order a cuff it comes with a completely separate cock ring and cage attachment point which makes swapping super simple). That said, in running shorts, sweatpants, or naked, the cuff is amazing as it’s a “gentle tug” that you are always aware of but not in a bad way. Sorta what I would imagine it would feel like to have a bunny cup your balls – you know, if you are into that, and if they didn’t have teeth.
I know everyone is built differently so I’m more interested in your experience and only mention my challenges to explain the reasons behind my questions. I know I can ask Chris all these questions as well, but I thought I’d start with his most famous customer and get a bit of research done before contacting him.
Whatever. He actually has real, famous people, so I don’t compare (and one day he will tell me who if I threaten enough – maybe). I would say that I never mind answering questions and I think you absolutely are smart to do research before contacting him because he is inundated with 100 stupid emails for every two serious ones which just take time away from the craft (seriously, guys, I have been in his shop when these come in, if you want to email an expert to ask what color metal you should get, whether you will like chastity, or just to show a pic of your dick, email Trump or something).
Finally, based on you
In your experience, how important do you think it is to pay Chris a visit and get fitted in person? I’m guessing I know that answer but would you say it’s critical?
Actually, you are wrong. I am going to tell you that it’s not critical at all. A year ago when I went the first time I thought it was, but now that I know him and have seen his work, I can promise you that a phone or video customer gets just as much attention and gets the same measurements with his coaching. I mean this too because, contrary to what most people (I would assume) think, he never touched me when he measured me as he simply handed me a tape and said “hold this there” and wrote down the measurements. In fact, I know he has only met a handful of his clients and, based on his popularity, there are thousands of properly fitted Steelwerks devices out there done just via instruction (and this also saves you travel money and a fitting fee which I think is far too low for what he should be charging for an hour) so I would say save your travel money to add the cuff (among other things).
I’m getting more and more serious with my chastity. Last year when we chatted briefly my longest lockup had been 8 weeks. Earlier this year I went for 5 months! So I think I’m about to the point of being crazy enough to go for the gold and Chris’ creations certainly are that!
In the spirit of the Olympics (which I am very worried about), I agree that they are the gold metal of devices, though I think an actual gold metal one would be too soft, really costly, and, well, kinda tacky. Actually, there are plenty of other good devices out there and I know plenty of people are happy with the competitors, but my feeling is you only have one dick and if you are going to deny yourself orgasms, you might as well be comfortable and have a work of art swinging between your legs too. I go back to my original comparison a long while back in that there are plenty of cars to buy that will get you from A to B and then there are the ones that get your from A to B with a huge smile on your face and they are generally the BMW, Audi, Mercedes, Tesla of the world which is the same category I place Steelwerks and their devices.
Oh, and you are far from crazy for wanting one. Hell, I am about to have two.
Thank you SO much! I REALLY appreciate any time and info you’re able to give me
So that’s it folks. If you have any questions please feel free to reach out and, if you wear a Steelwerks, I’d be very interested to see if you would answer anything differently.