Lady parts and me

So, yesterday it happened. That WTF moment that makes you just wonder, “could Thumper be right?”.

See, up until I met the rabbit, I was one of those gay guys that was just always gay. I had never thought about the full spectrum of human sexuality nor had I really cared, because you were straight, gay, and maaaaaaaaybe that bisexual thing existed too. Sure, sure, there were the straight men who had said in the media or in other type places that they had once, maybe twice thought about a man sexually or maybe touched him inappropriately (or appropriately if the lighting was right) but that they were still straight as an arrow. In my head I was convinced that they were really one gin and tonic and tickle away from really being gay and that was, simply, that.

Then, I started reading Thump and my mind was opened to this idea of the Kinsey scale, though it never applied in reverse to me. A few years later, I met Thump and it really connected because I had met a real, live, confirmed bisexual man and watched as he went between the sexes with different emotions, attractions, reactions and more. It was like watching magic just happen. During this, he started talking to me about lady parts, how they work, how they look and how they <gasp> taste and, while I opened my mind a bit, I was absolutely convinced I was so far to the side of the Kinsey scale that I would never budge.

Then, yesterday happened.

Now don’t get all scared, people, because I didn’t do anything, but I was in the middle of nowhere in Western Canada and was enduring a grueling 36 hours that contained 18 individual meetings. It was painful, but two of these meetings were with really attractive men, so I could occupy my mind a bit and muddle through. Then, late in the day, I had a one to one meeting with a woman who, well, took my breath away. It was bad in many senses because I was technically not giving her any good news at all, but, fuck she was stunning in a way that went far beyond her looks. It’s funny because it didn’t hit me at first what was happening at all. I mean, I have been around many pretty women in my life and even have the pleasure of calling the prettiest of the pretty, Ferns, my Australian girlfriend, but something was different here. So, I continued with the meeting and, sadly, during the worst part of it, I suddenly realized that I found this woman sexually appealing – a fact that I cannot recall ever, ever happening. I was drawn to her. I wondered how she smelled. I wondered how she felt. I even <cue gasp> starting placing mental images of the graphs, charts and pictures Thump had put on the Lady Part Whiteboard ™ for me and was placing those on her. It. Was. Scary. But it felt really really good.

The meeting didn’t last too long and she left and I immediately felt guilty. I don’t know if I felt guilt because of Axel or all my gay brothers, but I did. As silly as that because I had visualized almost every man I met yesterday naked without a single iota of guilt, but wondering how this woman smelled just triggered my sense of shame. How funny is that? I sat there and wondered if I was going to go to the hotel and look at straight porn or if I would suddenly “get” all those vagina pictures that Chris at Steelwerks sends me to be funny. It was madness in my mind for about 17 whole seconds. That’s almost a third of a minute, people.

But, I regained my composure and life went on and, thankfully, Thump still had the man pictures on the portfolio. Whew.

I know this is nothing and perfectly natural and likely is something that has happened in the past I didn’t connect with, but, it’s just funny how through all of this blogging fun and the wonderful people I have connected with, how it’s opened my eyes to so much more of what sexuality is and how embracing whatever feeling you have is a damn good thing.

Finally, Ferns, while you didn’t win the Tesla with this, you did get a wee bit closer.

(FYI, the Ferns and the Tesla is a long standing joke about that would be her prize if I ever wound up straight or bi – I can’t remember. Thumper gets something too though. Hmmm)

 

The Elegant Shelf

It was a good fuck.

Earlier this week, in a hotel suite with a great bathtub, incredible lighting, and a giant TV, Thump and I got together and, well, got together. It was a penetrating moment of raw energy without raw emotion and we were able to take what it is we have to that new, neutral place we have designed where we drew the line between friendship and service – when naked. As he left to take the walk of shame to the parking garage – a move we each actually find empowering – I went back to work happy, relaxed, and dying to get home to Axel as any encounter with my other absolutely always makes me want my primary so so much more.

Though I am not one to write in too much detail about our physical activities, I will say that the last few months of my mental unrest seemed to channel itself directly to those masochistic places on and in him where I knew I could cause so much hurt with so little actual harm.

He hurt for me that day and I let him.

He hurt for me that day and I enjoyed it.

He hurt for me that day and I thrived on it.

He likes the way I hurt him and I like that.

For me, the newness of being able to put the friendship on the elegant hotel shelf and enjoy those seven hours (okay, two) was something I realized I had actually never allowed myself to completely experience in the past and Thump’s words a few weeks ago about me “being too nice” suddenly made absolute and complete sense. I think I had always thought that meant I had to be an ass while I used his, but in reality, that is not the case and the ability to separate the action of the moment from all the other implications of life was almost intoxicating for me because, well, in 45 years I am not sure I remember being able to do that more than a handful of times.

I think that, in reality, this is the key thought that is one day going to be what will allow me to finally enjoy and act on my switch side in a way where I have never been able to make that separation complete. However, that is likely the subject of another long, drawn out post so I will leave it at that and just tell you that I have, indeed, finally recognized a missing link into me, which is what this entire blogging experience has really been about the whole time anyway.

So, armed with this new knowledge, I am signing off to enjoy my 27 hours at home this weekend as it is a beautiful day in the neighborhood and Drew wants to go outside and play (though that really means mulch, weed, wash two cars, etc).

Over Thinking

I am an over thinker.

Axel is an over thinker.

Thumper is an over thinker.

Belle is an over thinker.

Almost everyone I have ever named in this blog is an over thinker. I think in many ways, the shear fact that you are reading this means that you are also an over thinker. We over share. We over communicate. We over worry. We over process.

The question, however, is does over thinking make us better or worse at an open relationship?

I am not sure if it’s right or wrong that we are this way because, in many ways, I think that is a sign of intelligence; however, this week I over thought every single thing D/s related and, in reality, that over thinking nearly ended something fun before it started and created a very lonely homecoming Friday afternoon when I got back because I had created these amazing expectations that reality could not support – i.e.: Axel wasn’t even home. It wasn’t a bad homecoming and Ax and I had some great sex, but my mind was in the cloud of what I wasn’t doing now, what I likely wouldn’t be doing later, and how could I fix everything to have my cake and eat it as well. Argh.

Though, as I start a new week today (being Sunday morning) I am vowing to just go with the flow of things as much as possible and enjoy it. Work wise, I have a busy travel week ahead but a pretty easy work week when I get to my places (including NYC – my favorite) because they generally are consisting of one, maybe two meetings that I have arranged with lots of downtime around them (though I could work). Plus, the middle of the week I am in the Land of Thumper, though he and I are calendar challenged again (the curse of the non-primary – both ways – ha). That will work out, though, never fear.

Finally, I ask all of this about the thinkers and the openness because a few days ago I found out that two of my married friends were separated because one of “cheated”. Now, I know both of these people well enough to know that throughout that marriage both of them had men on the side and I always just assumed that it was open, but it officially wasn’t because they didn’t communicate to each other. Then, one day, one got spotted with a new fella and, boom, divorce. It’s so stupid really because that could have been avoided, which, to bring this full circle, through over thinking. Right?

So, I think there is an advantage, just curious as to your opinions about the mix.

 

 

Options all around

A gem from Thumper with a bit about me and some news in the last half.

Denying Thumper

Belle and I experience the openness of our relationship in different ways. For me, the possible reality of it being open in her direction as well as mine has all kinds of net benefit impacts. My submissive instincts are heightened, I’m deliriously attracted to her, and I’m simply very happy that she’s excited and feeling good (side note: TOG didn’t blow it entirely and is still in the picture and back in Belle’s “good graces”). I remain totally free of jealous feelings and lack any notion of possession over her but do have a noticeable sense of competition resonating within me (not that I can compete with a thick 7½ inches, but I have lots of other talents and attributes).

However, I don’t see a lot of these things happening in her when I’m with other people. I think there are several things that account for this. One, so far…

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When a rabbit walks into a bar

My sleep habits suck.

I know this is a product of my weird life and weird schedule, but over the last seven or eight nights, I have had what I would describe as a series of naps versus a traditional night’s sleep. Tonight is the same way and, as I write this at 3:24am, I am as wide awake as I can be without any sign of sleepiness. I have taken a bath, played some weird music that the app on the Apple TV said would make me sleepy (fyi, it made me feel angry – bad marketing guys), and Axel has even told me to jack off until my heart’s content if I thought it would relax me. But, so far, nada, though the masturbation was fun.

The good news is that I am heading home in a few hours and this afternoon I have a doctor’s appointment with my therapist/Zoloft pusher doc to discuss this and see what we might can do chemically to help nudge me along because the current regime is not working.

So, back to get to the title, I am in the Land of Thump again this week and last night, he and I went to dinner at a really nice south American restaurant that was a random option when the place we were going to had a long wait. This place was busy and he and I took two spots rather off to ourselves at the bar at the end right in front of where the bartender worked. This meant she got to hear bits of our conversation in and out as she came back and forth preparing her drinks. Now, for some reason, both of us had an attraction of sorts to this woman who I would describe as “confident”  – as she carried about 120 extra pounds and her purple hair with a “don’t fuck with me attitude” I have to admire in any man or woman I meet. Of course, in hindsight, I realize that she had engaged aspects of the sub sides of each of us in different ways, but this also made us less caring about what she heard.

In the Land of Thump, it’s been a big week because Belle has found a potential “the other guy”, now known as TOG, and this, along with various other life things, seems to have completely put the blood back into both Thumper’s nether regions and his brain which is a side of him I adore because he was happy and celebrating his kink in ways I have not seen in awhile. You can go to his page here to learn more about TOG, so I won’t go into anything specific, but having been the one who surprisingly freaked out when Axel met his potential TOG (or TOGS in that case), I am thrilled to watch how his mind is reacting to this and how, at least on the surface part I see, the open marriage part of his marriage is currently making him adore Belle even more, which is something I contend that most who are not in an open relationship would have no way of really understanding. Of course, we all know I adore Belle, my new Facebook friend btw, a great deal too for about 1,017 different reasons, so this is not too hard to fathom in the great scheme of Belleness.

Our conversation was frank, honest, fun, and at times drifted off into those bittersweet “remember when I almost had my whole hand up your ass” moments where so many of my conversations tend to go. We were in a relaxed, reflective place and I enjoyed it immensely as we discussed our relative spouses and the people who may or may not be in their pants at some point in the future. What was also particularly of interest is, if one watched close, one could see the metal in his pants rise and fall at times which is still something that in my mind is the best gauge of interest to a subject than anytime else can be. Looking back, hours later, if just was a good night because we represented the rectangle of open marriage again, though differently, and it was a fascinating way for both of us to reassure ourselves that the openness was, indeed, the right way to go regardless of who may be doing who or who might do who. Make sense?

Finally, the one thing I didn’t mention is that this week, Minnesota pollen and two days of me giving four, three hour presentations have left my voice sounding like a drag queen who smokes two packs a day, so I had to talk louder than typical as I tend to be a very soft talker in regular life. As we walked to the car, Thump and I had good time imagining just what the fuck the bartender would be telling the either masculine, giant woman named Bambi or the twinkish man who lives for her every need that she was going home to because she heard just enough to confuse the fuck out of her.

We suspected the conversation would go something like “well, he seemed to be married to a woman, but then he was talking about this guy who she wants to fuck, so maybe they are not, well, I don’t know, because the big one with the drag queen voice was was talking about his husband, but then was going to have the other one set up dinner with the same woman I think he is married to because he seemed to like her too, but then, you know, I got a vibe that they had fucked too or were going to fuck, but then a bell had a TOG with some type of Axel but then there was a bunny- oh, for the love of mother fucking…. They at least tipped well”

If nothing else, we were entertaining.

Kinky Virus

There has been some type of virus making its way through me and my friends over the last few weeks. It’s not typical and it’s certainly not dangerous, and those of us who have been infected have been able to shrug it off rather quickly through lack of exercise, a few too many cookies, and lots and lots of carbs. It’s been different for all of us in several ways; however there has been one common side effect  – a stolen kinky mojo.

The transmission of this bug is certainly one for the scientists because it has struck me and several of my friends who live in the US and Australia at the same time. This is particularly troublesome because none of us have had any physical contact at all. Is this really how internet viruses work?

On my end, as you know my kinkiness comes and goes and that just pisses me off. Last week, I was kinky as fuck in my mind, ready to do all kinds of nasty, nasty things to Axel when I got home and was planning to write down every single nasty word about it here to inform each of you just how absolutely nasty I could be. It was going to be so hot and such a hot weekend that we’d never ever forget it. The plane simply could not fly fast enough as I was planning to place a nice thick leather collar or me and likely on him too.

Then, the plane landed and as I dug out my keys from my bag, the virus flared up again. I felt fine, but at that moment I remembered that we needed dog food and that the insurance on my truck was due and that I had 28 hours before the next flight and more and more and more and more and more. And, like Kiwi running from Twitter, my kink mojo was gone.

See, it wasn’t my sex mojo, just the kink. I say that because somewhere in my head I still equate kinkiness with energy and time. Meaning, for whatever reason, I still think that being kinky takes effort and that it is something that I can do only when everything else is done. It’s like, in my mind at least, the plug won’t fit if the house is dirty. I have a few suspicions as to why I think this way, but none of them make it right so I need to work past that and add it to my ever growing list for my therapist who I have yet to engage.

It’s just funny because, at the same time as that was happening with me, some of the kinkiest people I know have been hanging up their leashes temporarily too while they sort out their muggle worlds too. It’s nothing intentional, but just a part of the changing of the seasons I think.

But, it will come back and I hope it does with a vengeance. So does, Axel.

Finally, I posted this past weekend about the lack of posting and had no idea that I would get emails “hoping I felt better soon” or sending me “hugs”, so apparently I implied somethings was wrong and, please know, that was not my intention at all. Aside from the missing kink mojo, I am dandy. I am tired, but mostly due to this crazy job I have, but I am in good spirits and am enjoying life as much as I can, especially because today is Opening Day for Major League Baseball, a fact that Thumper and I are both delighted about and spent a bit of time on the phone this afternoon analyzing.

So, all is well, and avoid this virus as best you can. I suggest a full hood should be warn at all times to protect yourself against the bug, but that’s just me.

 

 

Nothing Much Here, Folks

Good morning, interwebs. I honestly have nothing specific to write about aside from just checking in to let everyone know I am still alive and that I am missing posting hopefully as much as you miss me posting.

I am at one of those quarterly staff meetings where we start and 7am and go until 7pm when someone usually of a higher power than me will say “wanna grab dinner?”, which I HATE, but I do it anyway because, they are the boss (and surely enough of you subs on here can relate to that feeling), so I skip the gym, eat a $100 dinner and then slink back to my room around 10pm not remembering what I wanted to write about, nor even caring enough to open my Macbook to even start.

My main topic will be to follow up on last week’s sub post because, of whatever reason, the plane landed at home and, at that exact moment, I lost all of my sexual drive, creativity, and more because all the to-do things hit me and I only had 48 hours to do them. I MUST FIX THIS and Axel and I are talking about it, but, alas, it has to wait because I still have seven days in four more cities ahead of me this week.

More soon, but just know I have not forgotten about this little corner of the online world.

All that said, the plus is today I get to wake up to this:

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