Dear Mary:

Yesterday, my email greeted me with:

Name: Mary
Email: XXXXXXXX@gmail.com
Comment: Dear Drew:

I am very sorry to hear about all of the recent troubles you and Axel have had. I know this may not be a good question at this stage, but to what role do you believe that Thumper and your open marriage have had on Axel’s pain and possible addiction? Is the fact that your relationship with Thumper is clearly declining (based on how he talks to you on Twitter and doesn’t comment on or perhaps even read this blog only) something that played into your decision to divorce?

I will be praying for you,

Mary

Well, ain’t that a kicker, huh? This was not a comment but an actual email to me and from someone who apparently follows both this blog and my Twitter feed. That said, she apparently doesn’t follow either well, because, aside from my name, Thumper’s name, and the phrase “open marriage” she go EVERYTHING else wrong.

Is this what reading comprehension is now? I really can’t tell if this was an assault on me, Axel, Thumper, or just a general misguided message. But, to clarify, Axel and I are fine (never ever has the D word been used, Mary), Thumper and I are fine – though life is limiting our contact this month, and Axel does not have an addiction yet, though the signs are there so we are being careful. As for the pain, trust me, it’s a physical pain he feels, not emotional.

I just had a few minutes and thought I would share this because you should all be warned about what fools some of our online friends are. Mary, please just stop following me and, frankly, there are far more things in the world more worthy of prayer than me and Axel so, thank you, but you can take that elsewhere.

Finally, just a quick note to tell you all is good in the land of Drew and Axel. He spent today with one of the Scotts and even called me to tell me about the sex on his drive home. While I have to tell you that was a tad unusual for about 33 seconds, I loved every word and loved more that I could hear his smile through the bluetooth. This will all be just dandy. Trust me.

So, that’s it for me. I promise some more details soon, but I am about to fly home on a tiny wifi-less jet and, tomorrow, I am heading into the woods with some friends to go camping on our annual trip (gay camping, actually, big cabin, big TV, but no wifi or cell signal so primitive). See you next week.

Look Better Naked – Fall Edition

So, I promised it was time to shut down the blog drama and go to a happier place and, I thought, why not do it with some Sinful Sunday pictures. If you follow me on Twitter, these will not be new to you as they have been posted over the last two weeks, but, if you don’t, well here I am.

If you remember waaaaaaaaay back in the February or so, I made this big deal that failed miserably about getting back in shape, putting up a naked shot, and checking in on Fitocracy every time I stepped foot in the gym. Well, that plan failed miserably because, well, I think I sneezed one time and that changed every single plan but about two months ago I revisited my plan and have quietly gone back to work and am finally, finally starting to be happy with the results. BUT, there is still a master plan and if I am going to walk around naked showing off the Steelwerks, well, work continues

So, in honor of #SinfulSunday:

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Exposing Axel

When you write a blog like this, it gets a bit sticky with giving too many personal details and then not enough at all. I am TERRIBLE at this if you follow me on Twitter because here I will, for whatever stupid reason, never mention my exact city but then post pictures of two or three things that are instantly recognizable or do something as stupid with verbiage, etc. There’s also a fine line about revealing too much about the people in your life too because certain facts link you further to the muggle world and then you sit back and realize that you are never going to run for political office and that it just, in most ways, doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of life, yet I tend to be over protective of Axel, Thumper, and the others who pop in and out of this virtual space.

I write all of this as more followup and more background on the events of the last two or three weeks because, during the discussions and ground rule setting about the Scotts, a few other issues surfaced that caused me to have a few minor, yet, significant trust issues with Axel. The first I wrote about here in my original post about honesty and an issue popped up with Axel that was small, but somewhat significant to me because its was a direct contradiction to the truth made during a conversation about the fact that as an open couple, we absolutely 110 percent had to say nothing but deep done and brutal honesty. What transpired after that conversation and post was a series, well, three, further reveals that were minor on the surface but caused me concern for multiple reasons. I feel like I should say that these items had absolutely nothing to do with the Scotts yet, at the same time, had everything to do with the Scotts.

By that, I mean, the past is the past and mistruths were told and, though I was hurt at the lack of omission, none of these were things I could be mad at because I understood the reasoning and the addictive need behind them. They also placed Axel into a box in my mind I didn’t want to see him in, and that upset me greatly, because I do not like seeing him weak and, even more so, vulnerable. But, as we embraced a new level of openness and, at the same time, were negotiating the terms of things like safe sex, time apart and others, any slight shadow of doubt began to paint everything in a weird light that wasn’t very flattering and didn’t make me want to allow the threesome to move forward, because, if absolute trust is not there, what the fuck kind of drama would we be having in six months.

All of these reveals were on the table via FaceTime and iMessage and I looked forward to getting home late Friday and starting a busy, yet relaxing weekend at home with him. Something was weird when I saw him though and I couldn’t put my finger on it, but decided to let it go until we went to bed then I asked again if there was something I didn’t know. He said “no, all is out” but had a tone that said otherwise so I pressed a bit more when he finally sat up straight in bed and said, “okay, you win, here is what is going on…”

I am stopping there not for the drama but more for a backstory so that it makes sense but this also ties into my opening about whether to say too much, too little, or nothing at all. I decided to disclose these things because they will factor into the story of Drew and Axel over the next year and, well, I continue to keep writing. That said, Axel was an athlete most of his life until his late 30’s when he developed arthritis in his hip on his right side which, by the time he was 40 had him needing a cane, yet he was still working out like a fiend. Joint replacement had become essential and there were two or three options on how to do it based on the level of activity he intended to have post surgery and each had their risks and benefits. His goal was to play again, so he went with a more complicated fusion type surgery that was a partial hip and thigh bone replacement made of some type of metal that about one person in one million develops and allergy to during their life, but this would make it possible for him to fall and be rough without worrying too much about breaking it. It was a complicated procedure that took seven plus hours and required five days in the hospital and then three months of rehab at home, but he got through it fine and the first year was great and he has the most kickass 17″ scar that is really sexy in its own way. During this time he had so much pain that he developed a comfort level with the narcotics that we both recognized as unhealthy and we weened them down, I hid them in the house, and all was fine

Then came year two and he started hurting and, if he did too much exercise and pushed too much fluid out of the joint, he would start literally squeaking which sounded like a witch’s fingernails on 1276 chalkboards. He slowed down, but all was normal according to the ortho people and they blamed the fact he had gained some weight and was just getting older (he was 43).

To cut this very long story short, his movement continued to decline, his pain continued rise, and his weight was not moving despite diet and exercise and the gain has been primarily in his ass which has given me the Kardashian I never wanted. I knew the pain was rough and knew he managed it the best he could, but what I did not know was that he was dipping into the pills a few more times than needed and had investigated other sources, and these have been most of the discoveries of the week. He’s hardly an addict as it’s been less than 35 pills over two years, but there is a psychological dependence on them he didn’t want to admit and this was what he was carrying around in addition to his reality star backside. Whether big or small, an addiction is still and addiction and this has to be dealt with properly, which, of all people, he thoroughly knows.

Again, cutting the story, this week, you know, the horrid week from hell, also just happened to be his three year checkup and I was able to get him to finally admit to the ortho that he hasn’t been as tough as he pretended to be and that something was wrong. So, tests were done, things were said, MRI’s and X-rays were taken and, at the end of the day, I wish he had played the lottery that week because he is that one in one million person and his blood levels have become toxic to the implant which has caused the swelling, i.e.: weight gain, the lethargy and, most importantly, the pain.

What comes next is some pain management therapy which may or may not include appropriate drug use which will be monitored by someone other than me and we are working this week with the ortho to coordinate his calendar, my calendar, and a build time for the new bone of sockets that takes a minimum of two months (I think Chris at Steelwerks could really build an awesome one, just an fyi), and Axel’s schedule and client load because he will be in rehab and unable to drive for a minimum of 12 weeks. So, realistically it’s looking like sometime in January which thrills Stella because he will have lots of bed time and blankets for her to cuddle in.

For us, this will likely curtail the kinky dynamic to a degree but I know he will continue to expect me locked which will be nice because I plan to ground myself and work from hime during most of whichever month this occurs. The good news here too though is that one of those unwritten benefits of an open marriage and him having two boyfriends is that they will get to help too and will have already seen him naked, which was the main drawback as to why most of our friends weren’t asked to hang out with us in the initial days after the first surgery.

So, that is my raw, naked week and while it has very little to do with an open marriage, Thumper, chastity or the like, I also wanted to disclose it to simply say that, because I fear I have left a negative mark on the openness of late and that is entirely not the intent and there was indeed a backstory added to the weirdness around the threesome. Make sense?

Tonight I think I will post some sort of scantily clad picture of me, one or two of Thumper’s metal penis, and maybe even a surprise or two just to get this blog back on happier times as I know you all miss delightful Drew probably as much as I do!

Axel and his boyfriends

The last ten days have been emotionally raw on many levels and the next few posts are going to describe a lot of that; however, I want to make it clear that the raw descriptor I am using really is one of the only words I can use to describe the level of conversation and feeling, but it is not one to describe my emotions or general feelings about the world as I actually had a pretty good week, though it was one of the more interesting ones I have had in a long time.

First, let’s start with an update on the Scotts. After dinner together last night and drinks at our home, I got to watch Axel cuddle with them a bit and it felt normal and fine and was not exclusionary by any means. He and Scott Jr are as cute together as a basket of golden retriever puppies in a field of wildflowers while he and Scott Sr, to my eye, look as if they are trying to force chemistry which is either nerves or something else that will sort out in time. But, we got to this place over the week because I, me, Drew, showed his panties on Tuesday and drew a line in the sand. As I told you, when we threw away the “Drew’s expectation for Axel and one boyfriend” things got much more relaxed and social and I found myself less and less jealous and more inclined to be a part of their world in whatever way that was going to work. What grew from that was this “plan” that the four of us would have a lovely social friendship but, they – meaning the threesome, thought that all references to, indications of, and any eye wink that might point toward the naked time they experience had to be scrubbed, which essentially meant that we would immediately begin this with a wall drawn up and a weird, fake relationship as a foursome. That is where I drew the line in the sand because I would not have that and, as odd as it may sound to all of you, I want them to be and do whatever they feel like doing in front of me because I do not want anything hidden and I want 100 percent honesty, as you all know. Now, I am not saying I want to watch them have sex (yet), but I am saying that things like sitting on the couch next to each other, or kissing hello when greeting, or even conversation about whatever happened is fine with me as I will not tolerate a fake friendship where when I am there they act as if they have never seen each other naked. That’s silly and is why I drew said line, because, if they were going to insist on that, then I wanted nothing to do with them. That put Axel in a weird spot because he wanted me to be “inside” and that meant he would have to choose (a decision he placed on himself, not imposed by me), but he was willing to do that and, luckily, all went fine and now we are growing as this foursome of sorts where I am not completely the outsider and can say things openly and honestly to them without fear of the imaginary line being crossed. Also, Axel and I made a pact that nothing will be hidden from them and, while they don’t know much of anything yet, they do know that my boyfriend has a metal penis and that I have a few particular kinks I really, really enjoy too though we have not gotten to the point of disclosing those details yet, but one day I am sure we will.

As for the chastity aspect of it, last night they asked more about Thump’s metal and I showed them a picture and, shockingly, Axel jumped in and explained everything about how he sees the benefits of male chastity and, using Thumper as an example, started listing all the positive things it could do. As I mentioned, we did not reveal that I had a lock on my dick at that stage because, even when your husband is fucking your friend, I still think new kinks need to be eased into and forcing ours on them this soon is just not something I feel is right but do think it will all be pieced together as time builds and that is okay as well. Interestingly, I did really enjoy listening to Ax describe Thump because you would think that rabbit was a superhero based on the things he said such as “without having regular orgasms he has built a very successful company or two, has improved his marriage with Belle, is able to focus on his kids more, and, annnnnnd runs all the time and has channeled it into fitness” or something like that. It was cute on two levels because one, he wanted to make sure that my boyfriend looked like a rock star to his boyfriends and, two, that he knew so much and has gained such an interest over the last year. He even went so far as to mention my friend in Canada that makes “adult jewelry”(like wtf is that?) and that we had had him design a few things. I just sat there and smiled really big while thinking that if these boys don’t start getting a clue based on these things, then we have bigger issues with comprehension.

As for the rest of the week, I am going to put that in a separate post next because it’s going to be lengthy and I am trying hard to not make each post take more than 20 minutes to read, but, in summary, these are good guys and I think the details will just work out as things progress.

Oh, just to be an ass, well, just because, our dinner last night was at the great Thai place here. Each of them ordered the Pad Thai and I had Fried Rice with beef, just because. Axel kept asking me if I wanted to try his and I giggled every time I said “naw, you know I only like that in certain situations”.

Honesty

I have no idea where to start with this.

First, every single person who plays a major role in my life right now has been in a weird mood. Myself included. While not really related in any way, we are all a bit too in our heads for our own good right now and it’s led to just a general funkiness that does not include a disco ball or glitter.  I am not worried about anyone really because we are all proven to pull out of these times – though it just sucks that we all hit it together.

For me, I have been almost downright angry at myself for having the feelings I have had about Axel and the, now to be known as, the Scotts (nobody thought they were “Kevin like” enough to keep that title). I am not really ready to go into where things stand with that at the moment but I am trying really hard to not let my insecurities negatively impact the threesome. With this, what we have come to realize is that Ax and I spent years laying out how it would work if he or I had a boyfriend, what we’d want, how we’d function and what we’d expect from one partner, or even two separate ones if the time and penis function allowed. When I met Thumper, Ax and I pulled out our rule book, applied every section to the individual aspects of the relationship, and Thump and I proceeded down the road of nakedness and sex with little, if any, bad feelings at or about home being in the way.

When Axel met the Scotts, it was originally just the Junior Scott (the younger one – they are actually physically both taller and as broad as me) and we took out the rule book and flipped the tab to the “Drew’s Expectations” chapter and immediately applied the rules and discussed the plan. Then, Senior Scott was introduced with the intention of being an equal side of that triangle and we continued down the structured path we had applied to just Junior.  It worked fine. For about an hour. That’s when it didn’t work and, as I type this, we are still negotiating and talking and I know we will work this out, but it’s not something that is going to happen overnight. The complicating factor here is that when I met them at dinner the other night, we clicked as a foursome. Not sexually a foursome, though frankly I would love to see them naked, but immediately as that couple we’d love to one day years from now rent a beach home with for a month and just have the best time ever. Frankly, that has never happened to us and these two men are just as adorable as men can get both as individuals and as a couple. It would have been so fucking easy if I hated them or didn’t like them, but, that’s not the case so we will continue to find a path to make it work.

I say these things as an update more so than as any type of solution, breakthrough, or discovery but also as part of the honesty I have tried so hard to portray right now as part of the inside of a recently opened marriage. Not one single feeling I have had over the last week has led me to even have one thought or regret about opening it, because, even this has made Axel and I closer because it’s made us talk, it’s made us listen, and it’s made us be brutally honest with each other about several feelings and factors that are part of our lives including my travel, an undisclosed indiscretion on his part, our couple goals and, of course, my relationship with Thumper – which, once again, Axel fully supports, encourages, and enjoys, especially now that he knows more details of it.

The key word in here though is honesty, as I do not think an open relationship would flourish if one primary partner was not honest with the other primary partner about everything on the table. For me and Axel, we tend to repeat a story to each other and will often find ourselves leaving out a word here, a comment there, or a remark over yonder in an effort to either shield each other from the brutal realities of said item or, most likely, just to not have to deal with any possible repercussion that might arise from it. We agreed to stop this and, during this conversation I asked about something little and was told “no, not discussed” to then see a text when we were doing something together on his Mac that not only indicated the issue had been discussed but that it was done prior to the time I was told it wasn’t (fyi, the text popped up, we were sitting together, I wasn’t looking). Now, the subject at hand was very minor, the issue was something he just didn’t want to deal with, and the issue never would have even arisen had the timing not been what it was, but, right there, we had a teachable moment that just hurt my feelings more than anything else. This was not by what was said, but by the slight lack of judgement that Axel had shown and it just made me really hone in hard that we will have ground rules and they will be followed. No option.

If I told you what the issue really was you would laugh because it was that minor and this sounds so ominous, but it was a vehicle for he and I to sit down, yet again, and look each other in the eye and ask “are you okay with this?”. For the Drew and Thumper show, the answer was an unequivocal “yes”. For Axel and the Scotts, the answer was “I don’t know yet” but that is something that will be sorted out over the next few days and I am 99 percent certain it will be fine.

Again, these are petty things but petty things turn into big things and our intention is to keep that from happening when and if possible. I understand that in situations like this there will always be emotions that are technically unjustified, but that is just what it is, and, frankly, the jealousy that has popped up the last week or two has been rectified by some pretty awesome sex and just general naked cuddly time. Since we have never been two who argued or fought, we have never really had make up sex and this has been a nice little side attraction to diminish some of the drama that we have imposed on ourselves.

Over the next few days I will update this saga and the who blew who details, but for now, just know that, even through the chaos of honesty, jealousy, and horniness, the primary bond is strong if not stronger.

Dear Thumper, Mom says Hi, Again

This morning I had one of those really nice visits with the parents that just made me laugh the whole time, while also wondering if my mother is seriously a bit psychic. We all know that I think either my mother knows about me and Thumper somehow or just has a really weird, open minded sixth sense.

My mother has been mentally spot on of late thanks to a new medicine, so I sat with her and my father on their patio listening to them discuss how if Carly Fiorino really wanted to destroy Planned Parenthood that she should just apply to be their CEO and “HP them” and, then, suddenly she said, “How is your friend and his wife? I was discussing their open marriage with the lady at rehab last week (i.e.: physical therapy) and she was very impressed, I thought, and then she said she’d pray for them, which, you know, made me just decide to leave because at my age I have no time left for ignorance”. Before I could even answer she was back on Carly and, like usual when this particular subject comes out of the air, I sat there a bit dumbfounded wondering what the hell I should do or say. It didn’t come back up for a bit and we had moved on to the really, really serious subject about how what one woman I don’t know said about another woman I don’t know and then how they both fought over a man I don’t know which either occurred yesterday or some time in 1973. Who knows.

Then, it went right back to “Please tell him I said hello and that I hope he is well”. So, from that spot in left field I tweeted Thump and she was amazed when he tweeted right back. I even showed it to her

Though, as that thought provoking subject matter died, she then just said, “What is going on with Axel? When he was here Friday night to get Stella, he looked better than I have seen him in years. Maybe even ever. He was happy, relaxed, and just had a spring in his step I haven’t seen since, well, in a long time”. As if that wasn’t bad enough, my normally mute on any emotional issue father just started whole hearted agreeing with everything she was saying. Good lord, that’s not a blow to my ego at all, huh? (still sensitive there – lol)

She kept asking what had changed with him? work stress less? emotional clients less demanding? and then, she said the worst thing ever which caused my Dad to immediately leave to go find a tool or something, “was, you know what, good this week since you were home?”. Holy fuck, not since she asked me if I were top or bottom 20 years ago was there this level of awkwardness.

I didn’t know what to say other than “Yes, Mom, he’s had a very nice week” to which she then replied, “Well, I would have thought you would have looked happier today too”, I winced as she then said “That damn job of yours. I know it’s just so draining, but we are so proud of you both.”

Fuck. At least she didn’t ask about the Kevins directly.

The Other Side of the Open Door

Me again. I have been home about 18 hours and life as a fully open couple isn’t much different than life was when we were just halfway open. It’s weird, but we each slept on the same side of the bed we used to, Axel still liked the gray towel and I still liked the white one, and the applewood wood bacon that comes straight from God, via Costco, tasted the same amazing way too. Who’d have thought that, huh?

There are still those feelings that will pop in just a minute or two every couple of hours and they have to be dealt with, but they don’t worry me anymore like they did a few days ago because now, now that “it” happened, I know that it’s not anything that is going to cause any trouble, but it was enough that I thought I should write about it anyway.

However, first, breaking news, I spotted the couple, who I have decided to just call them Kevin and Kevin, a bit ago when Axel and I were at a street fair that has encompassed my neighborhood today. I said “spotted” like I was on a hunt of some sort and in reality, it was via Axel tapping me on the shoulder and saying “there they are, THERE” as he pointed toward a group of gay men in tank tops all with perfect hair despite the fact that there are literally 75,000 people in a two block area and that it’s 90 something degrees today (I looked like a horse that needed to be put down by then). We knew they were going to be there but they were with family from out of town, so Axel and the Kevins had already discussed that if we saw each other, great, but if not, we would not force a meeting in front of strangers (translation: Axel knows I am short tempered and pissy when hot and in crowds, so he didn’t want to risk me being an inadvertent ass to his boyfriends), though we did offer to let them park in our driveway. Anyway, there they were. In living flesh. Luckily for me in my dead looking horse state, they were way across the street holding nephews or borrowed children or something, so we didn’t have that sweaty hot greeting. They did not see us, but I saw them and, though cute, I found some strange satisfaction in realizing I was in better shape than they were. Petty I know, but I own it. But, from just watching them and having heard about them, they seem to be two really good chaps and, for Axel, I hope this works out as well as it has with me and my boyfriend.

All of that out of the way, I wanted to go back to my two posts this week about my side of the open door and discuss discussing the other side of open. When I started writing those posts, they were from my gut and were quite cathartic in many ways, so I am very glad that I wrote them as they helped me deal with things and also helped both Axel and Thumper see more into why I was acting like I was or more about how I saw things (btw, I asked Axel to read each of those as I do when something is there I feel he should see). What I didn’t realize when I started that is that I was essentially writing from a perspective of an open couple that many people don’t get to see. This means that I talked about the negotiations, the hurt feelings, and the actual, real life, somewhat stark realization that you are not all that your partner needs.

Ferns, my Australian girlfriend, left a comment on the first of the two posts that said:

I don’t see that many non-monogamous folks talk all that honestly about these complicated feelings. In fact what I mostly see is that everything is ‘great!’ and ‘fine!’ until suddenly it’s a big mess of jealousy and hurt and serious consequences and there is no insight into how that came about.

As usual, she was spot on, so that made me feel better about having laid it all out there then, and even now and over the next few weeks as this continues to evolve. I will continue to do that because it is what it is, and I refuse to just tell you that all is shiny and wonderful while still not 100 percent sure in my mind that it is.

Having said that, I would say that last week when I wrote the posts, I was at a 65 percent “I really am okay with this” place on post one and an 80 percent or so place when I wrote post number two. Today, as I sit here and type, I am likely at a 97 or even 98 percent place in my head and now find myself looking forward to what is going to evolve and how the Kevins are going to fit into Axel’s life primarily but into mine as well. I say that now through a bit more negotiation and thought in my head and was really moved by Thumper’s post yesterday but especially by this paragraph:

I never thought about openness with Belle because early on my feelings for her were such that I didn’t want anyone else. Saw no point in anyone else. There was no room inside me for anyone else. Now that’s changed. Luckily, we still have a connection and I still want her and need her in my life, but we’re both fundamentally different.

When I read that, I realized one immediate thing and one not so immediate thing. The first is that some of what I was grappling with the last week was a feeling that Axel and I had “let each other down” in a sense by NOT being everything each other needed. Rational Drew realized that one can’t be all to everyone and that this is indeed okay and he’s proud to be married to someone that understands that too, but irrational Drew felt slightly ashamed, slightly embarrassed, and slightly angry that he could not be it all for Axel (though it was perfectly fine that Axel couldn’t be it all for him). These thoughts had nothing to do with the Kevins or with Thumper, but they were the catalysts that fueled them, and I know now that those were the “things” I mentioned last week that I just could not put the right words on the screen to describe the actual sensation, most likely because I was in a place that was too raw for me to have completely silenced irrational Drew. I refuse to say Thumper used magic words, but what he did was cause the “moment” where the realization met reality and I am very happy to have that past me now because, it is, indeed changed from when we first partnered, while in our 20’s, and this open state is really some intense growth that has taken place for both of us as a couple and most likely was and is needed for our long term survival as a duo.

The second realization involves jealousy and the understanding that the jealousy I was, and still slightly am, feeling isn’t the fact that “Kevin is doing my man”, but it’s the excitement that Axel suddenly has in his world. He has that “young and stupid in lust” look and talk and I’m not the one causing that or being involved in that, so I think that is where the fourth wheel comment came from. And, at the same time, while not to the extent that Axel had, Thumper also had/has a renewed “energy” about Frodo and, god dammit, I couldn’t relate to that either. It was a double whammy of bad timing. However, as I realized yesterday again, it wasn’t (and isn’t) about the people at all, just the energy surrounding the activity and I had inadvertently let my ego be pretty wildly deflated by the Kevins and the Frodo and, in retrospect it was silly, but a human reaction so I also own that. I was honest with both Thump and Axel about this last night and simply told them that I was in a deflated place and asked them to keep that in mind and that if there is anything they could do to help me boost it, I would be appreciative. I know that is like saying “I am about to come out in a pretty dress so make sure you tell me how amazing and thin I look in it”, but, as I have told you, these two are alike in how they notice and react to things, so I just decided to put it out there instead of waiting to see if it went away or what. Oh, and before the comments start, yes, I know my ego will come back on its own and yes, I know I have plenty to have a boosted ego about, but this is just one of those inside the relationship and friendship moments that the outside world cannot affect.

Of course, turn about is fair play, and I absolutely see that a year ago I was giddy over meeting the rabbit and he was me too. Axel had his ego bruised during that period too, and while I knew it then, now I really know it, so I am going to be doing some reverse ego mending too. He got through it and I certainly will, but in this case, both sides of the door look the same and they are a nasty color that does not go with anything else in our home. So, like the ugly figurine his mother once gave us for Christmas, it wont be allowed to last long in this house at all.

Now, from the door itself, which I assume would be my home with Axel, all is well in the House of Drew tonight and it’s just going to get better (also because Kershaw pitches tonight too).

Axel and his underwear. 

So, here we are, the night after Axel’s date. I am, care to guess, on a plane again trying to get home tonight. I have dealt with one flight cancellation, one delayed flight causing a missed connection and came really, really close to having to spend the night in a hub city and not get home until around noon tomorrow. But, through a few good strikes of luck combined with a really fancy jeweled frequent flyer status, the airline somehow bumped someone off the last flight out, which has been sold out, and here I now sit drinking Bailey’s on ice and having a brownie.

Anyway, the last few days have been interesting and I am so ready to get home just to make sure the normalcy is there, though I have no real worries about that. Last night was Axel’s first sexual encounter with the “boyfriends” (I am going to have to come up with a blog name for them soon) and apparently they really connected well, and, believe it or not, that makes me really happy. While he was with them, I had worried that I’d be in some weird funk or I’d be in a sad mood or something equally as stupid, but, nah, I honestly did not give him much thought until about 10:00 because I had not heard from him and he had specifically said he was planning to leave at 9ish. I didn’t really care and was certainly not worried, but it just became a top of mind thing that caught my attention and made me aware that somewhere in a city far away from where I was working, his penis was busy being attended to by two men, who I didn’t know, but who he trusted enough to stick his favorite body part inside them. So that was okay too.

Even that didn’t bother me, so I decided to just go to bed knowing he would text me his standard “rolling” when he was on his way home (for the record, I had given him permission to spend the night if he wanted, he just had to tell me). No sooner than I got all comfy and settled, he called and said “are you okay?”, which made me laugh, be happy, and the have a bit of sadness hoping I did not cloud his fun by him being worried. I told him I was “fine and was sound asleep” and that apparently was what he needed to hear and then I asked him, “well?”, and at that moment I knew he really liked them and that he had a good time, because he was happy. He asked me how much I wanted to hear, so I said, “anything you want to tell me” and he started talking like a Trekkie who had just been asked if Picard was better than Kirk. There was a tone in his voice that just told me all would be good and, yeah, I am sure it will be, so I’m good.

Two things to get past for me when I get home and both are admittedly silly, but the first time I touch or taste his penis I know myself and know I’ll certainly think about those boys and that they had it last. I am not sure if I will be happy, sad, or just turned on by this, but I know me and that’s just how I process. Second, apparently one of the boys has an underwear fetish and asked Axel to leave his that he had been wearing with him ( not my thing, but who am I to judge), so he did. Axel told me that this afternoon and I just laughed and then suddenly said, “wait, which pair?” because I just knew he thought he looked particularly good in this particular pair I bought him after looking for them in three stores and paying full price, and, I’ll be damned, those are now the briefs that boy is apparently sniffing or something. Dammit. Ax says he will get them back, but no way do I want to see them now. Geez. Also. If this becomes a thing, our brief budget is going to have to increase and I will surely be buying them at Nordstrom Rack versus Nordstrom now. Ha.

He can borrow my husband, but I might have to draw the line at borrowing his underwear! The pervert 😉

Also, as it turns out they want me to be a part of their threesome in the social mess aspect of it, not the sexual. So, this afternoon I got two Facebook friend requests and apparently we are all going to dinner Monday or Tuesday night next week too. So, there we go, a new chapter begins. The exact plot remains to be seen, but I am happy for all three and know that any awkwardness I may feel, I will get past.

Really.

(Finally, tomorrow I plan to write a bit about a fine post Thumper wrote today here. If you want to get ahead in the class and haven’t read it, you really should. There might be a test)

110 Percent Honesty – Part Two

So, it’s time for part two. I am currently on a tiny little plane where they squeezed me in as the doors were shutting so I could go direct versus through Atlanta, where I tend to spend the bulk of my travel time.

So, where did I leave off. Yes, that’s right, Axel was about to come home and get fucked.  Man, I was going to just nail him like a shingle, I was going to pound and twist and grind and he’d go to his new couple tired from all the amazing sex I had given him. That said, when he got home I was hungry and the recycling needed to go to the curb and my Mom called and, well, we wound up just semi naked cuddling on the couch watching a ballgame. Honestly, that was just as fine as the other plan because he was happy, I was happy, and the cloud of doom I had placed on top of his boyfriend couple had dissipated like a mist in August.
We went to bed and, as I got in, he said, “you didn’t unlock yourself? Why not?” WTF? We just spent Stella’s college fund on a cage for me and he seriously just asked why I didn’t unlock myself? So, that led to an amusing talk about him thinking he said unlock after he left earlier and I took it as to wait until we were naked again, but, nonetheless, it was just a silly, funny little “learning opportunity” about the chastity dynamic.

So, Wednesday comes and since I am home to write I stayed in bed because he usually leaves about 6:15 and if I can stay naked and warm at that time, I am going to do it. He came upstairs, said goodbye, checked to make sure everything was good and said he was going to schedule Thursday night. I smiled, went downstairs to find breakfast made for me in the oven and our god damned dishwasher beeping to announce it had finished cleaning -last night – and I went about my day doing every single thing I could do to keep from writing and doing my work (FYI, deadline for five of the 11 reports is Monday, so I will not be online much Sunday, just sayin) and all was good. He came home, told me about his day. He went to see a client and I went to the gym. All was good and then three reps into a bench press, suddenly it wasn’t good anymore and that cloud had surrounded me and was eating me with a vigor – much like how the large woman across the aisle from me is eating her giant cookie.
At that point I just felt really alone and as if I was going to be the fourth wheel that never got to roll. But, my first thought was to call and seek advice from Thumper, my personal Dan Savage and boyfriend, and that right there, the fact that there is another cool guy up north who I call boyfriend much to Axel’s delight, is the entire reason that, in my head, I had no right to feel the way I was feeling. I honestly snapped out of it, I thought, until I got home and the first thing he said to me was “what’s wrong?, it’s written all over you”. I thought I was playing it so cool, but my innocent face (and innocent mind) had betrayed me again. I just said “it’s good, let’s change and go to dinner and talk if you want to”, and that we did.
One thing that is funny is that Thumper asked me the day before why Axel, the therapist, was not telling me how I was thinking was badly, was not analyzing me, etc. I explained that he never does that with me and we come at things like two amateurs just throwing non relative bullshit at each other, left and right. The truth is, it did happen one time when he was in professional school. I was used to being diagnosed by him with the mental disease chapter of the week each Monday and was accepting of that as my role of dutiful spouse, but it went too far one time when I was really really pissed at Comcast and he walked in and said, “your mother reacts that way too, tell me about something in your past that…“. He never finished the question and we have never talked “Counselor to patient” ever again.
So, I digressed a bit, but dinner was raw and painful at times. He asked why I wanted to be home when he got home the first time and why I felt I had to see him or be seen. I didn’t have an answer other than that to tell him, honestly, that after the very first time with Thump, when he dropped me off at the airport that plane could not fly fast enough to get me home. I was happy about what had happened, but I felt guilt, grief, and extreme excitement all wrapped into one spot of my brain that immediately and forever left the moment I climbed in his car when he picked me up at the airport. I have never felt that way again and know I won’t now, but I had to admit to him that I did, that one time. I worry he will feel like that tonight and I won’t be home until Friday at nearly 11pm. We discussed that, and, for the first time, with that on the table, I released it and told him to have a good time, go forth and make those boys walk sideways. However, he also had some things he needed to release.
He told me first and foremost how wonderful he thought Thumper was and that he has never once been jealous of our sexual or friendship times together. He said that at the beginning, one time I didn’t text as soon as he thought I would and that he had let his mind go to very dark places, but that it was over as soon as I texted back. With that, he then did admit some jealousy, again, not at my relationship with Thumper but at purely some of the “firsts” I had with Thumper. This ranged from a variety of sexual firsts that, while proud of me, he found some jealousy in that it could not have been with him, though he realized I’d never have done it without Thump’s guidance and willing body, to some smaller petty things like I me having him above him in my favorites on my phone (this resulted in a heavy laugh when I pointed out that it’s alphabetical by first name on my phone and, in the real world, his first letter starts lower in the line up than Thump’s) to just an outright almost anger that I loved the Pad Thai when Thumper fed it to me, though I had never ordered it with him and had even refused once when he asked me to try his. I told you, this was raw conversation. Not rational conversation. Finally, he admitted that he had been hurt once or twice, but the biggest one was when that picture of me getting my PA and Thumper holding my hand scrolled across the Apple TV that day. He said it hit him that there was more intimacy in the moment a needle had gone through my penis than he had ever thought about and that he had regretted not asking to join me and Thumper, as he was still quite glad I had him with me because he was the experienced one.

I feel like I should say that we laughed and ate chips and guacamole through this whole thing and that it wasn’t two men crying in a Mexican restaurant. We are adults and it was good to lay it all out there. Anyway, he gave me absolute 110 percent assurance that he loves Thumper’s place in our lives, hopes that continues for the foreseeable future, and that he would like to get to know him one day as he makes me happy and therefore makes him happy. Also, he and the boyfriends want me in their threesome in the social way and hoped that I would be willing to go to dinner with the three of them, have a drink, etc. I’m more than fine with that and really don’t think the awkward levels will be as high as most of your reading this think they will be, but we will see and, if Axel wants that, he will get whatever he needs from me.

This whole thing, and especially the conversation with Thump Tuesday just really reminded me I have the big sensitive side you have all seen that I have often hated and have yet to just accept. It’s silly little things like the fact that I pay attention to if Thumper reads my posts or compliments a picture or, mostly if he doesn’t. This is something he doesn’t do often because that is not in his wiring and he could give a rats ass if I did either for his yet I fall all over myself to do it, but that’s just the difference and it doesn’t hurt my feelings, but I do notice it. Axel is just like Thumper in that regard, so maybe I balance them or they me, but who knows and, more importantly, who cares. That’s just an example because I walk through my professional life on the edge of getting my feelings hurt, even when I am being the bad ass speaker and then going to fire someone. It’s just my DNA I think. So, knowing that, I have made myself balance my thinking about this couple because I, more than anyone else, know that I have been given the luxury to see others by him and that I owe nothing but the same to him.

So, dinner wound up, we went home, I packed for today and then we again settled on the couch ready to watch baseball. However, this time was very different because he asked me to come sit beside him and he started showing me some of their pictures, their texts, and the like because we realized that that level of inclusion is what is going to work for us, right now, on this side of the open door for me with them, but we made it very clear that will not be happening on the Thumper and Drew side of the door, because he likes not knowing the details.

At that point, he asked me if I would be okay with him sharing me with them, meaning, him talking about my career, Thumper, a picture or two, etc. It had never actually occurred to me that he might not had done that or even needed my permission, but apparently my scolding after the orgasm with my nemesis night had stopped that. So, as I sat there, he sent a pic or two, baseball came on and we went to bed all happy and feeling included so life was and is good. And, just as a fact we are both a bit tired today because that fucking that was promised, well, it happened from 2am to about 3:30 am and, well, god damn it was nice.

First, in all of this I realized all is going to be wonderfully fine no matter what actually happens with the couple and that it’s through these conversations, through these actions, through these raw time, I think that my marriage will be better by being open.

Two final things:

Now, as odd as this may sound, when I am with Thumper I always see my PA and know that it’s Axel’s and it’s there because never wants me to forget that my penis belongs to him, and Thumper is just borrowing it for a bit. Very similar to how Belle loans me Thump’s ass. So, knowing that, I asked him to get his own PA so that he can see and feel the same thing. He actually said he had been thinking about it and would willingly do it, but that I could not go with him because, well, he didn’t go with me. I’m still not sure if that was a joke or real, but then he inquired about Thumper taking him (joking I know, but suspect the rabbit would if asked).

Finally, as we went to sleep I realized that the picture he sent of me clearly showed the outline of the Steelheart quite clearly. So, I guess I will be contributing to some of their conversation tonight after all.

110 Percent Honesty – Part One

Axel has a date tonight. With a couple.

There. That’s out. Over and done.

Actually, while that is true, the build up toward tonight’s date for him has created a rather raw week as we have examined emotions, feelings, thoughts, and, mostly, irrational thinking on both our parts. You see, Axel is the one who wanted to open us up about three or four years ago. He brought up the subject. We discussed our points of view on it. And he went out actively looking and I set about somewhat, at the time, passively looking. Both of us fully believed that he would be the first one with a “significant side guy” and we were equally shocked when a year ago, right about now, I met Thumper and you all know where that is. In this time he has had two little “things”, one being a 3 event “thing” with a mutual friend who he found out he really didn’t like and one mutual jack off with a person I would describe as my absolute and complete nemesis, professionally and personally. When that happened, I was never mad at the act, though I was very mad at the lack of judgement and maybe, just maybe that has led to some of the feelings this week.

Axel and I have two very different personalities and in the rules of our extra engagement that became clear. At the time, he did not want to know much about the person I was with, wanted no details about the exchanges, and only asked that I let him know if and when something was going on. I, on the other hand, wanted to know everything. I promised I would not interfere, but I do not like the unknown and as a sufferer of some severe anxiety throughout my life, the wonder about what is happening would kill me much faster than the actual details, most of which I would not mind hearing about anyway if it made him happy. So, that is how we ended the plan years ago.

When I met Thumper, Axel kept his hands off approach the entire time and never pushed, never asked, and I didn’t tell because that is what I thought he wanted. As a few weeks went by, he started asking more questions and ultimately, the night after the first time I was all naked and with Thumper, he asked for certain details and I told him. As a few weeks progressed, Thumper and I had talked about him more in the context of me and Belle and some general stuff and then one day I got a text from Thumper saying something like “FYI, I just friended Axel of Facebook”, which was immediately followed by Axel texting saying “FYI, Thumper just friended me on Facebook, what do you want me to do?“. I thought it was surprising but fine and this electronic relationship led to one or two chats and some business together via a third party they each knew, but they have never exchanged physical words (though I just want that to happen one day to see Thump’s reaction to his accent). Where we stand now is that Thumper is a daily part of our conversations and Axel follows his very thorough Facebook feed because, by doing so, he learns more about him and never has to go to a news website or entertainment one, because Thump pretty much shares anything that he feels the educated world needs to see, and that’s perfect for both of us.

I mention all of that because of a few things. That veiled social media connection made things very fuzzy in my head when it came to Belle and Frodo because, well, I just didn’t know if or how that kind of “flow” could or should only go one way. But, that is not the point of anything now other than to say that it’s just made me wonder if they needed to know me in the same way Axel knows Thumper and, I kind of wanted that for that inner need I have for approval because I want them, in theory, to see more than the stories about what I do to Thump and to know that I am a good man who cares for him and would never do anything to hurt either him or them. Belle knows this by now, I assume, both because of the time and history that has now taken place and purely because she is one of the greatest women alive because of her mindset toward things. Another factor in this feeling happened this last week and, being 110 percent honest here, in the first few hours after Thumper told me what he did with Frodo, I immediately saw Frodo as a threat to something, not really me and Thumper, but just something I cannot explain. It was just a feeling in the sense that he had known Thump for 35 years, knows Belle, knows his family, etc and, again, in those few hours I felt almost like a cast aside mistress condemned to the condo her executive bought her to “keep” her in silence. However, when rational Drew who wasn’t exhausted by a surprise trip kicked back in, I realized that Frodo is no threat to me in ANY SINGLE WAY because he and Thump want something else, do something else, and what I do to, for, and with Thump sexually is not something in his wheelhouse (I hate that term) and that is never going to change. So, I breathed, I thought, I talked to Thumper, and I didn’t worry any more about that and thought, in my mind, writing a blog post about being okay with things and saying hi to Frodo would seal that deal. And, for me it did. But, I feel like I owed a deeper explanation after talking with the rabbit a bit more in the days since, so that is why I write the above. As for them knowing I am the good guy and junk, that is Thumper’s business and his job to convey that should it ever be questioned. So, for now, that’s not a single factor in my mind anymore and I hope it won’t be again.

So, during the same period as that, Axel met a guy who wanted a Daddy type figure in his life and, given that the guy was younger, cute as a puppy in tall grass, and seems to be very intelligent, Axel was all on that idea. So was I. Then, it shifted a bit because, we always knew this fellow was married, but it turns out that his husband wants the same thing, and they have essentially asked Axel to consider being their third. Now, going back to the fact I wanted to know all of the details, Axel was telling me this and I was okay with it. However, at the beginning of this week, I started having just bizarre feelings of jealousy, a feeling of being left out, and, well, just having a general cloud over me that, unfortunately also floated over Axel because of the way the wind in our house flows. In my head, I had been and continued to be fine with him seeing “a boyfriend” but two was something I had never thought about and this really played out in my head very funny. On top of this, my need to know everything and to know them kicked in, and I made a spectacle out of myself trying to think about asking that I meet and approve them with Axel, then that went to just me being home the first time when they fuck so I could physically see and be seen when he got home and could see with my own eyes that things were okay, to finally just saying “I trust you and do what you need to do”. I said that because I talked to Thumper about this and he told me I was being an idiot. Actually, he told me my feelings were very valid and that me opening up about these things very much helped him see more into why I thought me, him, Belle and Frodo could all play Uno of Friday nights together, but he also told me that, in his opinion, I was being highly unfair to Axel and that I was adding a layer of bureaucracy on top of his outside relationship that he did not dare even mention or attempt to mention back when I met Thump and in the days since, so, yet again, he was right.

After that I texted Axel that all was good and that he should go with his gut and then, in some form of penance, went and locked the Steelheart on, shoved a plug in my ass, and told him that I would be here when he got home later (a rare fact on a Tuesday). When he got home, we were both in good moods, smiling, talking and then he stood up, told me to follow him upstairs to the bedroom and strip and he then unplugged me and fucked me like he had not done in 18 years before coming, locking the plug back in place, and then walking out to go to his client while I sat there stunned, chaste, and plugged again. It was really something just incredibly fun and made every bit of the sub inside of me happy until the text came about five minutes later that reengaged my Dom side when it said “I took your spare key and you will also notice a plug missing and it’s where you think it is. When I get home tonight, Dom Drew comes out when I unlock you and you are going to fuck me like you have never done before. Love you. Oh, if you go to Target, we are out of toothpaste” (he tries, he really tries).

This is getting long and I have a flight to catch, so stay tuned for Part II coming soon to this blog. Spoiler alert, Axel gets fucked, schedules a date with his potential boyfriends, and Drew gets weird again.

To be continued…