Dear Thumper, Mom says Hi, Again

This morning I had one of those really nice visits with the parents that just made me laugh the whole time, while also wondering if my mother is seriously a bit psychic. We all know that I think either my mother knows about me and Thumper somehow or just has a really weird, open minded sixth sense.

My mother has been mentally spot on of late thanks to a new medicine, so I sat with her and my father on their patio listening to them discuss how if Carly Fiorino really wanted to destroy Planned Parenthood that she should just apply to be their CEO and “HP them” and, then, suddenly she said, “How is your friend and his wife? I was discussing their open marriage with the lady at rehab last week (i.e.: physical therapy) and she was very impressed, I thought, and then she said she’d pray for them, which, you know, made me just decide to leave because at my age I have no time left for ignorance”. Before I could even answer she was back on Carly and, like usual when this particular subject comes out of the air, I sat there a bit dumbfounded wondering what the hell I should do or say. It didn’t come back up for a bit and we had moved on to the really, really serious subject about how what one woman I don’t know said about another woman I don’t know and then how they both fought over a man I don’t know which either occurred yesterday or some time in 1973. Who knows.

Then, it went right back to “Please tell him I said hello and that I hope he is well”. So, from that spot in left field I tweeted Thump and she was amazed when he tweeted right back. I even showed it to her

Though, as that thought provoking subject matter died, she then just said, “What is going on with Axel? When he was here Friday night to get Stella, he looked better than I have seen him in years. Maybe even ever. He was happy, relaxed, and just had a spring in his step I haven’t seen since, well, in a long time”. As if that wasn’t bad enough, my normally mute on any emotional issue father just started whole hearted agreeing with everything she was saying. Good lord, that’s not a blow to my ego at all, huh? (still sensitive there – lol)

She kept asking what had changed with him? work stress less? emotional clients less demanding? and then, she said the worst thing ever which caused my Dad to immediately leave to go find a tool or something, “was, you know what, good this week since you were home?”. Holy fuck, not since she asked me if I were top or bottom 20 years ago was there this level of awkwardness.

I didn’t know what to say other than “Yes, Mom, he’s had a very nice week” to which she then replied, “Well, I would have thought you would have looked happier today too”, I winced as she then said “That damn job of yours. I know it’s just so draining, but we are so proud of you both.”

Fuck. At least she didn’t ask about the Kevins directly.

“Mom and Dad, meet Thumper”

As a further glimpse into my weird, kinky, life, I thought I would share with you this morning’s visit to see my parents, which resulted in a discussion about my sex life, in vague details that were clear enough to scare me.

However, first, let me lay a few things out on the table about my Mom and Dad. They are wonderful human beings and have aged into the most accepting, loving people one would hope to ever meet. As they approach their 80’s, they have continued to evolve having discovered  “the Netflix” and other items.  Trust me, walking in to find them watching a lesbian sex scene from Orange is the New Black is something forever scarred into my memory. But, to go back, I think I have mentioned that I was raised by two WASPy types who made me dress for dinners and sent me to etiquette classes when I was in primary school. However, as I approached high school, something changed with them and by the time I was in university my mother was regularly using the word fuck, although usually in wrong, random places. But she tried.

As an adult, and especially now after really getting to know “things” from all of “the straights” who I have gotten to know through this blog, I really do have to wonder about what actually precipitated that change, although, they are still “Mom and ___” (I have always, always called my Dad by his first name so it’s hard to type otherwise), so I just can’t let my mind go there. One day I will share my coming out story to you because it’s sitcom worthy and resulted in my Mother’s entire address book knowing within 12 hours and my mother asking me if I were “top of bottom?” (which is, by the way, not a question a scared 23 year old should ever be asked by their parents. EVER. Take note parents of potentially gay children) but something they said to me that night gave me a clue I have never forgotten. Said clue was the result of my trying to temper the mood with humor and I said something about being glad I was now able to call off the troop of friends I had lined up to “rid my house of the gay” should something happen to me. At that moment, my Mom, who was in her early 50’s at the time, said “Drew, you need to realize that your father and I are sexual creatures and when we die, you will find things here too”. “NO, NO, NO, NO” along with a chorus of The Farmer in the Dell was was what was immediately going through my mind because I could not hear that then and really don’t like to now. Although, as a side note, as soon as I got to my car, I pulled my brick cell phone out to call my sister to share that with her too, because, well, why not? I didn’t even care that it cut into my 20 minute a month cell package from Cingular Wireless.

Okay, let’s now flash forward to today, so twenty something years later. Mom and ___ are celebrating 60+ years together and still light up when the other walks in the room. My mother is in the early stages of dementia that, luckily, has not progressed in years. But, as any of you who have dealt with this know, with that there are some days when things are really clear and other days when they simply are not. We send Stella there a lot because we have found that having a dog around extremely helps her focus and, as evidenced by today, it works.

So, ALL of that to say that this morning I had been at their house for an hour or so just doing what I do when there (adjusting the TV, paying a bill or two, and cleaning porn off of my Dad’s Macbook because he somehow always saves to the desktop) and, as I was getting ready to leave, my Mother said “Drew, your Dad and I are wondering about your marriage and how things are”. This did not immediately worry me because I actually get that question at least 10 times a week from virtual strangers just based simply on my travel and how many nights I am away. However, her question was then followed by, “Because we are so happy and proud for both of you”.

Now that puzzled me and before I could say anything she quickly excused herself to the bathroom leaving me and my Dad standing there looking at each other like “What the fuck is about to come out of this woman’s mouth?” He didn’t say anything at all and I decided to text both Axel and Thumper to let them know what hell I was about to have to deal with, you know, because I am a sharer.

But, when she came back she sat down, which I had also done, and just said “You know we watch you both and we love you each so much and we do worry, but in the last three or four months, you both just seem so happy and content and we are proud of you for so many years together and still looking like that”. WHEW. That was sweet and I could have left there at that point just smiling, however, this is when the suddenly very clear sexually liberated pre-Alzheimer’s seventy something part of her said “Is it because you are having great sex when you are at home. Or, I guess elsewhere when you are out, I mean, who am I to judge, great sex is great sex?”

I did not know what to say. I am not even sure I had a facial expression at the moment. My father looked like he was about to cry, vomit, or go find his porn filled Macbook but we just stood there and looked at each other while Mom smiled like Thumper does after he gets fucked.

Drew. Did. Not. Know. What. To. Say.

After that and at least one more text to Axel, I just said, “Yes, Mom, my sex life is amazing”. In my head, I was thinking of all the second sentences that would pair with that like “when Axel let’s me climax” or “when I go see the boyfriend” or “when Thumper growls because he likes it when I hurt him”, so, I just decided to leave right then.

Actually, this was really nothing but just funny. I am thrilled I still have these problems to deal with and this just made me be very happy that in a world of Amy’s, I am extremely glad to often be reminded that I was not raised by two of them.

The other take away is that they recognized an external happiness that, evidently, both Axel and I are displaying. The opening of our life was amazing and is showing and I am shocked how fast it’s just becoming normal. As another example, Axel has started talking about Belle more. Not in the “is she okay with this” kind of way it started, but now in the “by the way, how is she feeling” way, because he now sees her as the wife of my friend and it doesn’t matter that they have not met nor does it matter what I do to her husband. That’s probably very minor to all of you, but to me it’s HUGE and, well, just makes me, I guess, even happier.

D

P.S. – as a follow up, the second chastity looking lamp was purchased. Axel comment, “Love this. You will coordinate nicely with them if you are being used as furniture”. Lampshade pic below.

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