Open Marriage and Boyfriend Sex

So this week I am wandering through Pennsylvania conflicted about life, work, the world, and how the stupidity of some people continue to amaze me.

Regarding life, work, and I guess the world, it’s very weird right now because they have all collided in a way that is not making me happy with any of them nor is it particularly making me angry or sad either. It’s just “unsettled” and I don’t do that well if you haven’t picked up on that already. The job is the job and it ebbs and flows as anyone who also bills by the hour understands. I am having a particularly good month, but some of my colleagues are not, thus causing all sorts of drama that doesn’t really matter to me, yet just creates email exchanges that make my stomach turn with worry at times.

The bigger issue in this category is that Axel and I are both still very, very unsettled.

I feel like I have to give some sort of preamble here that Axel and I will be fine and I am beyond certain about that, but we are just in one of those places where all couples go at times where our interest in each other keeps getting sidelined by events,  emotions, and about eight pounds between us that we have each gained (me 3 him 5) which send those sexy feelings to the back burner. It all started with me returning from Australia in a jet lagged fog and then leaving again in 36 hours only to come home to the disaster weekend that I blogged about. Add to that the suicide of a client last week and, unfortunately, the attempted suicide of another yesterday (there is almost always a second attempt as an attention thing- always), and the man is just emotionally spent. Unfortunately, all of this hit at the same time the Steelheart arrived, the timing of which was supposed to be the “official marking point” of the shift in our relationship, so that has just added another element to this which is beyond our control. We are also both the type of people who will mourn for the plan that didn’t happen while shouldering the responsibility  of the “failure” versus just making a new plan. That is stupid, but just us, and while we know better, it is what it is. So, it’s just bad timing and there has been no sex, not even light petting. Just really no interest on either side, which, again, happens. The groove is starting to come back and hopefully by the time I get home later in the week we will be fucking like bunnies again.

Now, all of that up there out of the way, I still continue to smile every day about how this open marriage thing is working out. Granted, I think it’s more than just the open marriage because it’s also the particulars about how, and especially who, is involved in this particular openness. In our case, what made me really smile Sunday night, while laying in bed trying to force ourselves to go to sleep early since I had to go to the airport at 4am, we started to get a bit flirty, a tad touchy, but the erections were just not there (well, his at least, mine was covered). We just laughed about not having the energy or the current drive (which in itself is pretty damn cool when you think about it) and then Axel said, “Well, a year ago I would have been feeling horrible about not giving you great sex right now because of everything, but, the good news is I am just assuming that you had (and will have) great sex with Thumper, so there’s a ton of pressure off of me. How funny is that? Fuck him well, husband” He went on to say that if I needed to take an extra trip to use up some energy it was fine with him. Of course, he knows it doesn’t work that way schedule wise and he knows I wouldn’t, but the sheer fact he said that made me swoon a bit. Regarding that too, Thumper and I seem to have found an interesting new groove in the long distance, D/s, boyfriendship thing and we are just rolling along groovily. There might even be a third blog out there if anyone is interested in searching that clue for the hidden immunity idol (yes, yes, I still love Survivor). Just sayin’.

Actually, I either tweeted or wrote here last week about Axel saying that Thumper is now “just a part of our extended family” and about the comfort level with which his name now comes up – an act that is paralleling in a similar yet very different way in Thumper’s house – but it’s very true and, to quote Shaggy from Scooby Doo, that’s “neato”. It’s baseball season and Axel being a former pitcher, Thumper being a GIANT fan (though not a Giants fan), and me being in the middle and now a fan too is rather a cute thing because, when timing allows, the three of us have watched several games together with Axel next to me on the sofa, Thumper and I texting, and all three of us going back and forth with each other about the game and/or questions. It’s been suggested that Axel be included and it become a group text, but that was quickly nullified because Thumper and I realized that we would have to clean up our conversation and, at the same time, Axel realized we would have to clean up our conversation, so that idea died as fast as it started.

Finally, my third point in this update post is about the stupidity of some of our fellow blog friends who continue to send me messages about “turning Thumper gay” as if I can be contracted out to do the same to their significant other. It’s crazy because, one just assumes people would know that can not happen, right? And, if it could, I am evidently a huge failure because even Belle is now calling me out, and laughing, about my lack of skill in that department so it’s a no go people. Being gay is clearly is a choice one makes for themselves when they check that extra little box on their first library card and, once that is done, there is no changing it. It’s your permanent record, folks. Nobody fucks with that!

(disclaimer: yes, yes, that was a joke about the choice and the library card. My straight or gay survey came in the mail with my gay card application and invoice for the dues – being Double Gold Star has it’s privileges)

A Double Gold Star Gay + A Vagina = A Turkey and Rocket Sandwich

I am a Double Gold Star Gay.  At least, according to the Urban Dictionary.

What that means is that 44 something years ago, I was a large baby and, even in-womb, I didn’t quite fit in, so I was delivered by c-section.  And, as I might have said in previous posts, I have never even been within five feet of a naked woman.  Add those two together and by technical standards, I’ve never touched a vagina – having never come out of one and having certainly not going back in.

So, by definition, that makes me a Double Gold Star Gay, or DGSG as we, the exclusive, like to be called.

Now, why does this matter?  Well, it really doesn’t, but it’s a great way to start a post as, today, out of the blue, I decided I wanted to blog about vaginas. The V word.  The scary, scary V word we DGSG’s have run from our whole lives- literally since before birth.

You see, ever since I met the benevolent bisexual bunny, I have had a newfound outlet for questions about those lady parts unknown and what one actually does with them.  Through the years, my friends have all been drawn to them.  Thumper seems excited about them when he writes about “the moistness” and “going in and out, and in and out” (eww).  People even sing songs about them, as I realized horribly as an 11 year old boy singing “Sugar Walls” out loud in the car one day with my grandmother driving.

I have been pussy challenged.  I admit that.  However, being the inquisitive boyfriend on the side I am and seeing how that place below was of such interest,  I decided weeks ago that I wanted to know more.

Thumper has been a wonderful teacher – he often sends me pictures, diagrams, and the occasional video clip.

In return, I randomly ask him questions about where one might grab, what’s inside, and why one of these things does not look like the other.  And, on a few occasions, I have had to fight my natural urge to vomit when he describes smells, textures, and why one should think “oysters”, but, like a good DGSG with a mission and a designer shirt not wanting to be tainted, I have held down my lunch like a big boy and opened my mind to that dark, moist place.

Why this post?  Who the fuck knows.

But, today was a good day.  In fact, it wound up being one of the best professional days I have had in months as the stars aligned and the corporate return on the investment in me was realized in a grand way.  However, during the middle of being accoladed for the work I have done, my mind suddenly started thinking about sex – straight sex.  Holy fuck. Like man on woman sex.  There were even breasts. That has never happened.  Ever. And, yes, I do blame the bunny 110 percent. It’s all his fault.

So,instead of enjoying my moment, I started giggling to myself about how weird life is and how wide my eyes have been opened by this relationship in ways I never dreamed – or even fucking wanted to dream about.  For fucks, sake, yesterday I even reviewed a book about Female/male domination on Amazon that I had bought AND read (fyi, it’s a great collaboration of erotic stories by the lovely Ferns – buy it, ’cause it’s good enough, even for gay men’). What is happening?

I have to tell you, for years, Axel has known how to make me leave a room just by simply using some of the words I have already listed above describing his high school encounters.  And, now, I am writing a post about the P word I couldn’t even say six months ago? Life. Is. Weird.

Are people going to start calling me, bi, or even worse, straight?  I cannot handle another duality in life.  I just can’t. And I won’t.  Thumper will not convert me, despite the fact that Twitter promised him a toaster.  He does not need toast that badly.

However, the sweet spot of this post and my inter-head pussy related riot today, is that I realized I have been a bit one sided in my sexual thinking, all my life – although my DGSG card does allow that, fyi – and I am very happy to be breaking out of the exclusivity of male genitalia – at least in my head, because it’s going to make me better in how I relate to the world, to women, and those straight men who fuck them.

It’s still weird but there are so many, many questions (no volunteers, one rabbit teaching is enough for me)

Who knows, one day I may even see one in person.

From across the room.

Hopefully (on the across the room part).

In other news, I bought new jeans today, had a great chat with Axel, Thumper, and my Mom, and had a turkey and rocket sandwich on sourdough for lunch.  Fuck, those things seem as related to this post and my blog as me talking about vaginas, so I thought I’d add them too.

Until tomorrow…

P.S. – after all that, the least I can do is show you the jeans (I ate the sandwich)

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