Yet again, hello from 30 something thousand feet in the air somewhere over the Canadian border. Quite a different flight tonight because, to my right in seat 1D, sits Thumper who is reading a really thick book and stewing because the headrest on the seat isn’t all bendy and doesn’t cradle his head the way he would like. I was able to, somehow, finagle us upgrades both to and fro, but, alas, there are no bendy headrests so “the whole trip is a disaster”, according to the rabbit.

Actually, the trip has been a really good one and, even as we are winding down and heading back to Minneapolis where he will go home and I will go to an airport hotel to sleep before heading back east tomorrow for work, we are still quietly smiling. Most likely for different reasons, but still, it’s a nice feeling.

We arrived early evening last night after a delay and went straight to find some food and then head to the hotel to watch a ballgame and, well, get naked. We made it through an inning or two before the nakedness happened for both of us (he has his hotel rules, you know) and we began what would become a few hours of play with one attempted bed time in the middle that was ruined by me having one post orgasm erection that would not stop. I felt like I was 23 again and, well, since it was there…. (Now we all know I  don’t really write about the sex stuff with us here but within a few days the story will get out one way or another.)

Sleep never really happened for both of us, though apparently I got more than he did because that flu from the last two weeks left me really stuffy and snoring like a boar at times which I suspect is new to him, and, after “releasing” two times in two hours, I was rather relaxed. However, something about being fucked, looking at Tumblr and having his nipples abused revved him up and he wasn’t really out until about 5am. Of course, not knowing this I woke him at 6 because my erection wanted to say hello again and, well, let’s just say he is tired tonight but still in a non cranky place which I appreciate.

So, I am writing this tonight as a slightly more kinky Drew than I was this morning because I now own latex jocks, briefs, and a fitted hood that is, well, just beautiful. In addition, I have ordered my very own piece of art from Steelwerks Extreme that will be just absolutely fucking amazing. I decided to go with a Tiffany model which is half titanium and half stainless with an extra cock ring and scrotal cuff for those days when I want to shake it up a bit. This device will work in tandom with my locking curved barbell, Chris, the owner and artist in residence at Steelwerks, designed for me earlier in the summer. I went there today with the idea of changing this, changing that, and customizing it to be my own, but, in the end, Thumper gave me some advice that doing so to that would be, in a way, like me adding hood scoops or stripes to my beloved X5m, which immediately told me to stop and just go with what the expert had designed and proven to be a success. Chris has a few muggle things happening in life over the next few weeks, so I have told him to not worry about any deadline and just get it to me when he can, which will likely be around the first of November which is perfect as it allows me and Axel to get our planned groove going in a the interim.

After this, he took us to a friend of us his that designs latex fetish wear to see the process and the inventory and, holy fuck, I may be a rubber man one day. This stuff was brilliant and the smell was simply intoxicating. I surely see a bad hotel carpet picture coming later in the week for these items.

Finally, another note about Steelwerks Extreme because I simply cannot begin to tell you how high quality both the work and the man who makes it are. Chris, who himself is a piece of walking art via ink, has a magic combination of kindness, charm, geekiness, and a magical abilitity to mix a leather collar with a white collar which helps me further blend my worlds together. He allowed us to hold and touch an older device that he uses for show and a personal device he uses for, well, not my business, and it was truly like holding some rare piece of art that you have only seen in a museum. As I have noted, it’s expensive in the way a Mercedes is compared to a Mazda, but after being here today, any thought I had about whether the investment would be worth it was out the window in minutes. While this was happening, the three of us spent the day talking about kinks, dicks, politics, and, more – in this case “more” specifically means their frequent talk about lady parts and how much fun it is to play with “down there”. Gross. But, despite that pussy stuff, we had a great day that is going to help me on multiple levels in the future.

Hello from a grand hotel room in an even grander hotel in South Beach/Miami, Florida. I am sitting on my balcony as I write this waiting for my colleague to fly in so we can go to dinner to talk about the presentation he and I are giving tomorrow. It’s a two hour one and I do not even know the subject, so I am going to have to pay attention. However, right now I’d give anything to be in the sky sitting next to Axel (even in coach) because he is on his way home after about a day and three quarters together celebrating his birthday and our anniversary.

People often ask about how he and I “work” with my travel schedule and loneliness and the like and I always tell them that we just make it work because it’s really been all we have ever known for most of our time together. During the first half of our partnership, I didn’t travel, but he spent most week nights and some weekends finishing multiple degrees and hundreds upon hundreds of practice hours while I stayed home after my desk job. When that finished, we had a few years that overlapped, but then I started traveling like I am now and, here we are. So, we make it work and, while leaving is never easy, it’s unfortunately just commonplace.

Except when it’s not, like today.

Today, I was willing to give my American Express to Delta to change his ticket to tomorrow night so we’d have one more night and one more morning tomorrow. Plus, he would have been able to watch me give a presentation tomorrow that would have been kinda hot, because any time I am in front of a crowd I always think about him and that I need to kick ass to both keep my job and get more jobs, but to also know that wherever he is, he’d be proud of me. But, the fantasy lasted as long as the realization that he had clients tomorrow and I really didn’t want to spend half of my house note either. So, I took him to the airport, turned in our personal rental car and picked up and new one under the work credit card (which coincidently is the hottest rental I have ever had – a 370z) and here I sit on the balcony almost in work mode again.

See, when I think about it, there is a price to pay for a great weekend and I am paying in now in self pity which will go away the minute he walks in the door to our house and, in my mind, the world is right again and everyone is on their “place”. When we have an average weekend, the leaving is just our life, but the exceptional weekends require the payment and, as I am always willing to pay that, I am really not complaining.

This weekend we slept. Saturday until 10 and today until 9:30. Both of us have just been exhausted and there is nothing like waking up next to a tan man wrapped in all white sheets with the blue of the ocean behind you. It’s the sexiest thing (and I have a picture of him I will see if I can share). But, after that, we walked, we shopped, we ate, and we talked. Sex? We had plenty of naked time but no sex because I simply still don’t feel that great and cold medicine and my penis are just not great friends. Also, until earlier today, I still could not hear out of my clogged right ear so that was just frustratingly bizarre. It got better quickly, but when it did there was blood, so I worry the pressure resulted in an eardrum tear that I will go see about sometime tomorrow. But, back to the good stuff.

As I said, we talked. In that talking, we mapped out almost every single detail of our sexual fantasies and then logically decided how each of us are going to fulfill those for the other, or, allow the other to go fulfill them for themselves. For him, I am going to be locked up at most times, not to the degree of Thumper or many of the rest of you, but enough to know that it matters and that my orgasms at any other time than with the rabbit are not mine to decide on. He wants to lose a few pounds and I have agreed to do some really perverted things for him when he reaches milestones. He, in turn, is going to do a few things for me or to me too. We will not be Master/slave, or even Daddy/boy, but something along the lines of Husband/husband where I am allowing him to take progressive control of me and some of the life functions I have been stubborn about letting go even when I am not around to do them. I will have a few standing tasks as well and we are going to explore some discipline based areas with that, because I now fully admit I don’t want or like being disciplined (but fucking LOVE to do it) but that is the only way I am going to allow myself some structure since my free flowing work world does not do that for me like many other workplaces would do. In time I will tell you more about them, but for now, that’s just enough to tell you that I left the conversation happier with the idea than I have been in years and WANTING him so fucking bad right now.

Throughout this, we talked about Thumper and his role in our life and we both smiled like mad when doing so. I laughed because last night during our anniversary dinner, we started talking about Thumper and Belle and how much we admire them as both muggle and kinky people and then I laughed to myself, because I think the circle has come around completely because I was introduced to Thumper’s blog right around the time of his anniversary with Belle. I remember that because it was the first of a few surprising negative comments about the insensitivity of talking about your “other” on a “holy” night like an anniversary. That commenter didn’t know what she would start with that, but nearly a year later, it’s was just one of those silly, funny moments that mean nothing to anyone but me.

So, in closing, it was a stellar weekend and I am planning to extend this feeling to the week as Axel and I kick into gear and Thumper and I build up to our trip next weekend.

Today I got called a “faggot”

It was quite unsettling, yet it didn’t really bother me because I really don’t think the person who called me that meant it. But I’m not sure. I texted Thumper and Axel to ask their opinions and both were a bit taken a bit aback by it, but I think my nonchalantness may have tempered the expected response.

Now, hours later sitting in a big blue leather seat flying through some stormy looking clouds, I am pissed off because, that just shouldn’t happen, but it did, and in a professional environment.

Here’s the story. Today I was at an a very well known 200 year old institution north of New York that has seen its share of scandal through the years. I am a regular consultant there and have been there enough times through the years that I have gotten to know some of the  staff who I don’t work with specifically. So, when I got there today I was greeted by a man who I have not seen in years and he asked for my email address after we chatted a bit and caught up on life and baseball (thank you again, Thumper). I handed him a business card since it had been a few years since I had given him one and he started looking at me quizzically.

Now, as you may or may not know, when the first SCOTUS ruling happened in 2013, Axel and I got legally married on our anniversary (which happens to be his birthday) (which happens to be this weekend) (which happens to mark 18 years) ( I happen to be taking him to Miami/South Beach for dinner tomorrow and a Saturday play date) (it happens that mileage and points are my one career luxury).

For about 250 different reasons, the most compelling of which was that my mother thought it was “only appropriate”, Axel and I wanted to have the same last name, you know, like all the popular straight couples do. I had a long name with lots of vowels. He had a short name that was kinda cool yet not too common. We tried half and half. We tried adding a hyphen. We tried creating something new. But, in the end, his name just sounded good with my actual first name, so I changed my legal last name, a process that is awful for anyone, but for a man in the South it is, or hopefully WAS, a hassle that needed court rulings and lots of signatures. Adding to this, I had about 20 plus years of doing what it is that I do, so I had to essentially come out to every client I had, but luckily had the blessing of my bosses that I could tell them to “fuck off” if I had any issue because we didn’t want them as a client (it was a good year and luckily I never had a single issue).

So,back to this morning.

It’s been a few years now and most of my clients and coworkers just know me as the married me with the short name and don’t think twice about it. Hell, even I have reached a point where I can answer to it without giggling a bit, so I just don’t think about it. Then, this morning as I handed him my card, he said, “wait, this is not you. Did you change your name or something?” To which I replied a simple “yes, when I got married a few years ago I decided to change mine”. I don’t go into the dribble of who I married, who I fuck, etc, I just simply leave it at that. So, that was that and then he said, “huh, I didn’t know you were a faggot. Well, good for you and I hope marriage treats you well” and then he went about his day and I went about mine walking away a bit puzzled, maybe hurt, maybe not. I had work to do and went to do it.

So, a bit later I was texting with Thump about this,that and Josh Duggar, when I just casually thought to say, “oh, guess what, I got called…”. He responded with something akin to “what the fuck?” with a “who do I need to come hurt?” tone and I played it off a bit in the way I used to forgive my grandmother for saying “colored”, because during her life that was all she knew.
But this man wasn’t too old, was, based on where he worked, fairly well educated and exposed to many types of people, and as I sit here now I can’t forgive him as easily as I did this afternoon, though I can’t say I hate him either.

It’s funny, I think I had a fucking real life commenter from this blog or Thumper’s right there in front of me because he did the exact same things some of the nasty people here have done by insulting in the first sentence followed by a nice expression in the second one. Since the first time Amy in Alabama lit up my comments with hate almost a year ago, I have always wondered what I would do if I ever had the chance to meet one of those people in real life and, I’ll be damned, I did and didn’t even realize it.

Now, to be fair to me, he did not start out with “I’ve been reading your boyfriend’s posts for years…” like 90 percent of them do. If he had, I would like to think I would have clued in, but I blew my chance, though, it wasn’t a place I would have caused a scene anyway.

But, like many of the comments we have gotten, I am confused by the hate followed by the happy. Do these people do this regularly in life with other things too? Should we try it? I’m currently thinking of all the muggle variations we could give back like:

“you look great, even with the extra weight”,

“wow you have aged, but you do it well”,

“your child is really stupid, but she’s so pretty”, or

“I’ve seen your sinning pictures on the Internet, but boy you ride that dildo quite well”

Actually, I have done this in my life before and I remember it being therapeutic, because a friend of my mother’s saw me once after awhile and said “wow, Drew, you are really bald” and I remember in a split second coming back at her with “wow, Helen, you sure are old” while my mother laughed like she was proud of the smart assed son she raised. It felt great and is still something I think about many, many years later.

All this, but no answers here and I will likely never know whether Mr. Man was being nice to me or judging me. I want to think he had a stroke or just didn’t catch himself in time, like when I catch myself wanting to say “Oriental”. I’m not going to worry about it either because it’s over and I am not sure I would have made the situation any better had I scolded him. I just don’t think he knew what damage a word like that can do and, if he had to use it, I am glad he did on me versus one of the younger people who are still fragile enough to let that get into their head.

So, I am going to forgive him and let it go, however, I do hope someone in his world calls him fat and old this weekend.

Hi. It’s Drew. Remember me?

It feels like forever since I have written a post and it’s just been one of those weeks where I could not think of anything to write about. It hasn’t been a bad week at all, just busy and I have had an aversion to writing ANYTHING, texts included, which is especially sad because I have three huge reports all due next Friday that I could have been working on this week. But, I didn’t and I will get them in. Somehow. The good news is I have channeled that into working out, watching baseball and watching my newest discovery of Netflix, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. It’s a silly little show by Tina Fey that has just made me laugh all week.

My mood is way better thanks to the pill that got my hormone level out of manapause rather quickly and I am no longer extremely sensitive and baby kitten like weak. The side effect of that is a raging horniness that has not been felt in awhile and I am rather enjoying that, even though Axel is far away and Thumper is out in the woods without internet access all week. On that note, it was funny, last week when all the mood drama hit me and he and I were still in the “is he repulsive?” stages of his bisexuality (yes, I said we, commenters, because Axel tells me that when the “r word” is mentioned that people go through things together, but, his layers of sexuality do have a direct impact on me so it’s appropriate) I rather worried about if I did miss him would that be weird or some other kind of shit like that, but, life is life and I have missed him this week and look forward to his return to my day to day world. Simple as that. We keep each other company, or, mostly, he keeps me company and updated on world news and baseball while I am out and about so that’s nice. Also, this week my work colleague who I text with about 37 times a day has been on vacation and Axel is crazy busy, so I really have zero excuses for not getting my work done aside from fucking Kimmy Schmidt.

Axel and I have not yet had the chastity and discipline talk we have been planning to have, but that has been due to some schedules that have been weirder than normal and a particular client he has been working with that has troubled us both all week. I think I will actually post about that situation separately because it’s something that deserves it’s own spotlight rather than being buried in the middle of a long post about really nothing.

That said, one thing I want to address is last week in the post where I discussed that I was having trouble finding my sub space, I mentioned that Axel and I were on the edge of taking a bigger step toward a different kind or level of chastity than we had in the past and I wondered if I was nervous about that. I was not really meaning that the new device I will be ordering in a few weeks was going to change everything, but a few people thought that in the comments and, while I addressed it there, I want to reiterate that a bit here too.

Thumper mentioned,

The Steelheart was going to do the trick, but didn’t. A Steelwerks device will do the trick, but will it? I don’t know. He’s been through a lot of devices and none of them have worked for whatever reason”. 

This was followed by him also saying,

“Besides any unresolved behavioral/relationship/dynamic issues (none of which am I privy to, BTW) or perhaps wanting the *idea* of chastity more than the reality for whatever reason (he’s really into the shiny baubles with ceramic knobs), Drew’s lifestyle is really poorly suited to the long-term enforced dynamic. Possible, but such a bigger hassle. And, IMO, until Axel really puts his foot down about it, I don’t know that it’ll ever reach critical mass.”

When he wrote that, he texted me that I was likely not going to like his comment and that it was approaching an area that he and I had not talked about. This is true on the talked about area because it’s is hard for us, him specifically, to see me as the switch I am, so I sometimes leave some of the details out of details because, me being a sub is the last place I want his mind to go during the times when I need him focused. As for me not liking it, nah, I thought it was pretty spot on, but also shows that I have not done a good job of educating those around me, even my boyfriend, about what it is that Axel and I want to accomplish by this change in the dynamic.

First and foremost, unless I ever change jobs or find myself grounded for an extended period of time, Axel and I will never have anything close to what Thumper and Belle have, nor do I think we want it that way. We see the chastity as a prelude to very good sex and, in Axel’s mind, because he likes my penis a great deal, very good sex involves me being unlocked, so I will not be denied in the way that many crave. Would I like that? maybe, but it’s simply not an option for us, so we don’t even think about it. It’s more of a game at times and right now, that is working aside from the fact I do not have a device that I find very comfortable for the long term due to my PA, the size tube I need, and other issues. We LOVE the idea of him owning my dick and that was accomplished with the his “request” (i.e. demand) I get the PA first and now with that locking barbell that I no longer even carry an emergency key to, so we accomplished that and he is beginning to refer to it as “his”, etc. I love that. The lockup, however, at least for the time being, is going to be something we do when I am home at all times and when I am traveling at specific times. This will allow my sex to be controlled which, in return, will drive my sex drive through the roof – something that is often hard to have happen when I am tired all the time from never being in the same place each week.

The device itself, well, yes, it’s going to be an investment but we are looking at it like the wedding ring we never spent money on. In fact, I looked last night and mine cost $22 and his was $28 when we bought them on Amazon in 2013 when the first SCOTUS ruling occurred, so it’s not like we went all out. This device, which I can’t wait to show you the design ideas we have been batting back and forth to Canada, is going to be unique for me, fit to me, and, though chosen by me for comfort and design, approved by Axel which will make me proud to wear it. I know that we could do what we are doing with a Holy Trainer or, gasp, God forbid a CB6000, but, I consider us lucky enough to not have to take that route so I look forward to the adventure to get it and the adventures long after it is made.

Now, I have one minute until I have to go present a presentation to 28 strangers, so I need to quickly get my mindset off of this and in a more “neutral” place.

Think dead puppies, Drew. Dead puppies. Dead puppies. Old women having sex. Dead puppies.

Okay, that worked…

Yesterday’s post elicited some really interesting reactions. I did not think it was particularly somber, but two of my friends who read the blog texted me within an hour to check on me because I seemed “pissy”, a few people commented leading to a very interesting discussion about SOP and switches, one new person reached out via Twitter and email which turned out to be a great day of back and forth that helped me tremendously, and one person pretty much said there is no such thing as switching and thought that Thumper and I should immediately never see each other. You know, just a day in the life of my comments.

Two solid things came out of yesterday which led to this post. One is Thumper and I likened his brand of bisexuality and our recent episodes together to food poisoning and, two, I decided to have my blood work tested again because I had not been religious in taking the anti-estrogen pills and, like last November, my estrogen levels are very high which has essentially kicked me into that PMS realm I was in before where I am super sensitive, moody, and hungry all the time. I am not going to go into all of that again, but the original post is here for those who don’t remember. Never fear, I have taken the big pill and should be all insensitive, gruff, and lean in no time.

So, on with the show:

Drew’s Guide to Bisexual Boyfriends – Part II

Last Spring, I wrote a piece about having a bisexual boyfriend and all of the things that can come along with it in this post.

One of the ways I started this was mentioning the warning label issued by him, his wife, and his blog that says the following:

“Bisexual boyfriends may often occasionally require special handling due to wiring issues that can sometimes cause them to think about lady sex organs at times when you require their full attention. They can’t help it, they say. They were born that way, they say. They like snatch, they say. They are worth it, we say.

When wiring issues occur, bisexual boyfriends can be reset with time, patience, ice cream, or by firmly pressing their reset button located between their thighs. For severe bisexual attention disorders lasting over 12 days, seek immediate assistance from Tumblr and repeatedly press the button mentioned above more firmly.”

It’s right fucking there on the warning label and I forgot to read it again this week. Fuck. All that grumbling I did yesterday would have been avoided it I had just gone back and simply read what I had written before and applied the same rules. This time, the reset is taking longer because we went for gelato instead of ice cream. That fucking Italian delicacy has beaten me again!

In all seriousness, yesterday’s post led to Thumper and I having a really nice, but short, discussion where it FINALLY ALL CLICKED for me through an analogy I will use in just a bit. See, what we have is nowhere to be found for role modeling nor is the mind of a bisexual man something I knew well before I met the bunny. So, as we have said all along, those little bumps in the road are going to happen and, frankly, I welcome them because we each learn a bit more about each other’s minds when this happens.

So, this week, what had clicked in my head was “Thumper must be back and be fully bisexual again“. I thought that because he was back being all pervy on the portfolio and talking about things like penises, asses, and all those guy things. So, mid week he texted me a rather suggestive text that would be par for the course during SOP but one that has been missing for the last few weeks and it made me happy for about 27 seconds until the second one came. The first text said something along the lines of there being a particular action that he would like to do with me. I mean, “va va va room -the rabbit is back” said my mind and, before I could even smile, the second text arrived that said something like “maybe” or “possibly one day”. I know him and I know that he thought he was doing something for me, but being especially man-opausal, I got slightly put off by the second text but decided to ignore it. Then it happened again Wednesday night in a joking way, but just enough that I got rather confused by how his attraction to men was back yet I seemed still just slightly repulsive.

I am a pretty strong guy, but whether you are gay, straight, bisexual, trisexual, or alien, when you wave your dick at someone and they refuse, regardless of the reason, there is a bit of that male pride that just stabs you. So, I asked Thumper about this yesterday and, what he said, cleared everything up for me through my use of an analogy that made 119 percent sense to me as it applies to my particular brand of bisexual boyfriend.

Before I do, for legal reasons, I should note the following:

This analogy only applies to my bisexual boyfriend and his particular style of bisexualness and attraction to men and does not mean that your bisexual will react in the same manner. Please consult your bisexual for more information.

If you you need further assistance, please write or call Dan Savage.

Thumper talked to me about how his brain works and, when it shuts down, men will have to creep back in, over time, and at first the attractiveness starts will ALL men, especially the beautiful Tumblry ones, before settling down to a keen attraction to the penis attached to the man who is going to let you “play” with it.

When he said that it all clicked in my head in the following way: I am the cookie that caused the food poisoning.

Simple as that. Right?

Now, let me explain. I applied that in my head because about a year ago I had the worst food poisoning ever for about three days following a wretched meal at a Chicago restaurant. I was locked in a hotel for a week. NOT pretty (but I did lose 9 pounds). After that dinner, before I knew I had eaten something bad, I stopped and got a pack or three of my favorite cookie until that day, a dark chocolate Milano. About four hours later when I was vomiting worse than I had in my life, I kept seeing pieces of the Milano cookie coming back to haunt me. While I WAS fully aware that the Milano had not caused that reaction nor had it done anything to lead to it, the idea of a Milano repulsed me immediately.

So, relating this to Thumper’s conversation with me, I applied myself in it as the Milano because, while I was sick, I never wanted food again (his distaste in all sex for a bit), then, as I recovered I started eating comfortable, soft, cuddly food (his attraction and sexual appetite for women was back), then, a bit later, I dared walk down the cookie aisle and admired all the cookies while keeping a close eye on the Milano (his regained interest in men in general but not ready for a specific one), which was then followed one day later by me wanting to do nothing but kiss, lick, and eat every morsel of that fucking Milano (a boyfriend of a bisexual can dream, can’t they?).

While I may have over simplified or really over analyzed this, it finally spoke to me about how his mind works when it shuts itself off from men for whatever reason there is, which, this time, was a nasty bout with the flu. When I wrote the first part of this in the Spring, it was much milder than it was recently, but, this time, when he got sick, we were really being intense at that moment, which, in my head, meant there was more to throw up thus equalling a longer recovery period. Got it?

So, all that to say is that I have zero doubt that one day pretty soon the Milano will have some really funky things done to it by a rabbit. Stay tuned for more information.

(as an aside, Thumper is in the woods for about 10 days with zero access to anything electronic. While he says he rather enjoys the “freedom”,  I am in withdrawals at just the thought. So, this is being posted without his ability to validate anything, so, commenters, if you are going to damn us to hell or something similar, why don’t you wait a week or so? that way it can be fresh. Thanks.)

Thumper and I were fighting. It was one of those huge arguments where we could hardly look at each other and even the simplest of words seemed to make things worse. During this fight, he was following his rule to be naked with me and had one of those giant steel locking plugs inside of him and this made it worse because he wanted nothing more than to be clothed and unplugged, but he knew better and this was killing him because he was getting angrier at me and at himself for having fallen deeper and deeper into submission despite being so mad. I, in turn, acted like a sadist and started pointing at his metal genitals and calling him “dickless”,”dicklet”, and various other terms which actually stopped the fight and started other “things” because when I did that the metal started moving and I could tell he had enjoyed it. However, this did not lead to much sex because, oh yeah, Axel and Belle were watching from a distance quietly drinking coffee and snickering as if they compared spousal notes saying “Oh yeah, he does that with me too, now watch and see how the other one will do this…see“.

It wasn’t a loud fight. It wasn’t a long fight. It was just a fight that we both instantly regretted but didn’t know how to stop. It was a bizarre, sexual filled time that I still wonder what had caused it. Oh, yeah, it was a dream.

A big dream that was like live, colorful theater playing out almost in real time the other day while I flew home from Australia to the US. I have no idea what caused it or why in the fuck I would even dream that we fought because, one, I am not a fighter and I don’t suspect he is either, two, we are not together long enough to fight, and, three, if he was naked and I was pointing, I doubt we’d take the time to fight because that usually means other things are about to happen.

Like I said, the fight was not lengthy and the best part is that it soon jumped to us sitting in the floor just laughing and having the best time ever while he begged me to unlock his ass. Which, since I was having a good time, I refused to do. I woke up with this dream as hard as I am when I am hurting him, so that tells you I enjoyed the whole thing.

Looking back, Belle and Axel being there was a tad unusual, but, Axel and I were returning from a vacation that was full of Facebook couple selfies and Thumper and Belle were starting their vacation which is full of Facebook couple selfies, so I think that had put it top of mind. In fact, as we were on the plane, Axel favorited one of their pics and then asked me afterwards if that had been okay because he didn’t want to “meddle”. I had to laugh about that but then realized I had not favorited any either, so I did (they were great pics – he’s handsome, she’s beautiful, and the scenery is amazing) so maybe that was it. Who knows?

Now, as I write this it’s been about four days since that dream and I am still puzzled as to why it happened and, more importantly, what the fuck he may have done to cause it? I say he because, since, it was my dream and I know he had to have been the one at least 110 percent at fault, right? But, it’s bothered me all week in that “on your mind and really not bothering you yet bothering you” way and it just makes me laugh.

On the other side of it, Axel and Belle got along swimmingly well 🙂

So, who the fuck knows and I write this simply to document this as it was as fun and hot as it is puzzling.

In other news, our trip was amazing and there are more posts coming about that soon, but it was a great time for Axel and I to reconnect and just be a couple for nine solid days. I hope that is what Thumper and Belle are doing too and, aside from just one three line text between us this morning on Facebook, I have made a point to not be in the picture this week so they can have some time without any outside interference caused by me. That said, I cannot wait to talk with him Monday or Tuesday because a lot has happened this week professionally, personally, and with the metal in my penis (that is the subject of the next post) and more metal that will soon be on my penis.

So, that’s that. If I ever figure out why we fought, I will let you know.

Last night, I tweeted this:

Screen Shot 2015-05-16 at 10.56.23 PM

It’s been on my mind, kinda sorta, since I tweeted it because it was just another one of those funny moments that happens when you are part of a foursome like we are and I like to share such things.

In contrary to that, I have also been thinking that I needed to shut up about being happy because the blogs are getting a bit pollyanna-ish and that is also not me all the time because, frankly, right now, my job sucks big time (nothing major just one of those mid year revenue is down panic type of things), Axel’s schedule is crazy to the point that he’s exhausted, gaining weight, and generally just too tired to play with me and we have a lot of additional pressure happening in the muggle world with some medical things with both sets of parents. However, I continue to smile because I am happy that life has dealt me the cards it has and those things are trivial in the long run.

Relationships, friendships, and open communication are the things that I thrive on, so fuck those muggle things as I can already see the clouds breaking for them. It’s funny, I love it when those things are working, when Axel smiles at me, when I get called a boyfriend, or when I get a happy comment on one of the posts. Those are what I am quickly finding are the things for focus, not the other bullshit stuff that is just what life is.

That said, Thumper got a comment on his latest post that he shared with me but has not approved for his blog yet. I am assuming that is because he will likely write about it or that it made him mad to a point that he doesn’t want it out there, but it was just funny because, however it was intended, it made it sound like the world has an over/under type thing going on about how many times I can see the rabbit before the relationship we have explodes into glittery gay flames. Maybe it’s just that this is so unusual to people that they can’t comprehend it, or maybe it’s the gay thing (because this lad had a remarkable way of describing me), or perhaps it’s just a protective move over Thumper because, in many cases, he is and has been a blogging God to many readers for so many years.

I don’t know, but I have a new theory.

Axel and I talked about it last night and I actually now think the thing that is the hardest for most people to comprehend is the absolute 100 percent faith, trust, and allowances that our spouses allow us to have because that kind of freedom is very scary and something that many may dream of, but may not be able to handle when they are granted it, if they are granted it in whatever form or format that may take.

I know this is just a theory, but I have one friend who is required to copy his husband on all communications he has with any friend who has the “kinky box” checked beside his or her name. That works for them, but I have told him this so I feel it’s okay to say here, that I am often very uncomfortable having a monitor at times when we communicate because I have never made a friendship with a chaperone because I really like him and sometimes just want his opinion on things, but I don’t ask because I don’t know his husband. I have another friend, who is bisexual who has to hide any and all communication with men, women, or anything outside of the vanilla world by having two cell phones, one that he cannot even charge at home and has to pay for with a friend’s credit card, because she likes to read everything he has on his phone and goes into insanely jealous rages if she has seen his twitter likes or, god forbid, him reading blogs such as this or Thumper. However, to another extreme, I have two friends, or rather friends of friends, who are so open that I am surprised the neighbors don’t wonder if they are running a brothel because they literally have two extra parking spaces reserved at their building for their tricks who often times they pass each other in the house. The funny thing is, even with that level of openness, they have a “don’t ask don’t tell policy” and almost pretend that their naked boys have not been in the house all day when they sit down at dinner at night together. I am not judging, but I find that especially odd because it just proves that even in the absolutely most open of relationships, there seems to still be communicative issues. These are not mine to solve, but I just thought about them and added them to my theory box.

So, to circle back here, I am not judging any of the above friends, but those things just make me think that it’s less about me and Thumper, and more about me and Axel, Thumper and Belle, and even Belle and Axel because it’s apparently much harder to understand being wide open emotionally and having blanket trust than it is where one puts one’s penis or even if one’s penis is allowed to come out and play. In many ways, I almost hope that is the reason for the “betting pool of relationship doom” aimed at he and I because I can understand it much more than I can bigotry and intolerance.

What do you guys think?

Finally, if you are in the betting pool, spoiler alert, next month Thumper and I go away for a weekend – ba da bum (read the following with the soap opera voice in your head)

Will Belle survive the loneliness  Will Axel have sex with strangers in retaliation? Will Thumper and Drew do naked things?  Will Twitter be able to handle us in a new place? Will Thumper be able to wear chastity in another city? Will his chastity device color matter?

These, and many other questions, will be answered in the days that follow.

Da da da dum.

 

Yesterday I went for a run. Well, a run/walk kind of trail thing because I have learned I am just not a huge fan of running on pavement and I don’t have the stamina to run more than a mile or so on a trail without walking. Anyway, at the end of my run Thumper called, I stopped, found a nice spot by the river and we sat and chatted for awhile. It was a conversation of random subjects, however, in the twelve hours that have followed, two things we discussed happened to appear, one rather randomly.

The first is a muggle-ish life detail not for this blog that did just appear out of the blue, but it was a big deal in many ways, makes me proud and makes me want to say “congrats, a well deserved honor indeed”.

The second, was that he and I were talking about a post he was about to write (that he did post last night here) regarding addictions to pornography, pleasuring one’s self, chastity, female sex organs and other very similar topics in which he is an expert and, without really anything of it, he pretty much predicted how my night would go

It’s been no secret that Axel and I have been distant since that horrible weekend at the beginning of April. We have been pleasant, had a good time together in life, but there has been no sexual energy and no, zero D/s activity. As you also know, the following week coincided with the arrival of the Steelheart which was supposed to mark many changes in our lives, but because of all the rubble created by the stone in the kitchen and the steel in the street that weekend combined with the actions of one of his client’s that shook him much harder than I think either of us expected the following week, any kinkiness, or frankly, horniness, we had went out the window and was very hard to re-energize. I wore the Steelheart for a few days, but he didn’t seem to notice when it was on or off, so I took it off, put it in a drawer where it still sits waiting. I am different in the chastity than Thumper in that, for me, it’s not about denial but more about giving Axel the control over my penis and if he didn’t want it this month, I simply wasn’t going to wear it.

So, last night I could not sleep. Not at all. Some of it was these things were on my mind and a rather strong sense of disappointment in both myself and Axel for allowing our progress to go backwards – yet again. Some was a work project that is looming over me like one of those dark, scary clouds you see in Disney movies. And some was just simply me being horny thanks to some of Thumper’s actions of the day and a bit was the god damned dishwasher that was happily beeping to say it had finished – I have got to fix that setting somehow. All these things combined did not equate rest, so I got up about 2am and, surprise, surprise, found myself looking at copious amounts of porn while also scanning the This Old House website (there has to be a special name for that combined perversion). Since Axel had not said anything to me recently about pleasuring myself or not pleasuring myself, I decided “fuck it” and soon found myself naked in the big dark room downstairs that was lit only in the blue hue of the macbook. It had been weeks since I had done that so I took my time, enjoyed the moment and was soon the master of my domain again.

Following that climax, I was energized and still couldn’t sleep, so I stayed downstairs until about 4:45 before going back up and crawling into bed with Axel. Karma being the bitch she is, I woke him up in doing so and, for the first time in three weeks, the man crawled on top of me ready to roll. Fuckin’ hell. In that moment I thought about pretending I was asleep, saying I had a headache, waking up Stella who would HAVE to go out, but no, me being me, I fessed’ up which led to a really interesting naked conversation at 5am that culminated with us taking a shower together at 6am followed by him making me bacon at 6:15 – the good bacon too. Applewood.

No, we did not have sex, but we laid it all out on the bed about how we have been feeling. He was still angry, confused, and a bit hurt that I had called him weak that weekend and didn’t know how to process it. He said he had indeed been thinking about the chastity, the rules, and what we had planned, but in his mind he put up a wall almost blocking me from accessing that from him out of punishment. It’s very twisted when you realize that this method is the “I am punishing you by giving you full access to your penis” method and I doubt it’s going to one day make it into Thumper’s book on chastity which we all know he is destined to write some day. I explained to him that, from a sub point of view, it really doesn’t work that way and that I had tried to continue with what we had set expectation wise, but when he became disinterested, so did I. I really wanted to pin every bit of this staleness on him because it’s just easier, but, I also realized I have been purposely “chilly” as well and have not projected the “I’m gonna fuck you like a whore” vibe I generally like to project at home and, coincidently, while giving speeches at work.

It was 5am on a workday so we didn’t get much of anything resolved, but maybe we don’t have to dig deep to fix things and perhaps we will just start again as I expect an email sometime today telling me to lock up and where to put my key. It’s very much a blessing when you realize that you have the ability to communicate to fix issues so we don’t take that lightly. In fact, I have a post planned about that very topic soon because I have a few new friends who I feel are struggling in that arena.

Finally, no, it’s not the perfect fix, but it feels nice to now have it all out there and ready to be dealt with again. Stay tuned.

Today I bought a new car.

Cars, especially German ones, are one of my few vices and since I lease, it’s something I get to do every 30-36 months and, since I am such a loyal guy, I have pretty much stayed with the same dealership for at least the last eight or nine of mine and Axel’s vehicles.

With that said, there is one lady at the dealership who has been there the entire time I have been a customer. She is the F&I person, which means she has the little windowless office with the giant dot-matrix printer that prints those mile long forms where you go when you are ready to sign everything. Since I actually picked out my car, turned in my lease virtually, and made my deal via email while I was traveling, she was literally my first stop when I got there. We have done business together so many times, that it was very formulaic as she does not try to sell me anything extra nor does she have to explain all of the 11,019 documents one has to sign for such transactions.

So, during this we started talking about Axel, how he was doing, her recent divorce, gay marriage, and right wing republicans, who, coincidentally, scare both of us a great deal. Around this time we started talking about things that most professional people in a professional setting wouldn’t discuss, but, well, fuck it, we did anyway. With this sordid conversation came her declaration that she often wished she had a penis because men, especially in her business, always seem to have the upper hand  and she said she often wondered what would have been different if she had been a man. Following that, she said something along the lines of “of course, I would probably have to give up control because, trust me, you can always control a man if you control his penis”, to which I smirked internally while saying, “you know, that works the same way with gay men too”.

Now, we were both talking about withholding sex, but I doubt she realized I was discussing it with visions of steel and locks dancing in my head, but if there was a way I could have discretely dialed Thumper and just screamed “you are on a call, be quiet and just listen” and then laid my phone down on the desk I would have, because this was just classically funny in the sitcom that often plays out as my life.

From there, I signed my name, initialed here, initialed there, and somehow, just somehow she decided to tell me more about her divorce, how her husband had cheated, and that she was just “done with men” which is when I made a joke about her coming out to me. She laughed and said “actually, I did have little things with women in college, but you know, they are fun, but you know, I am just not capable of starting a life and having an exclusive relationship with a woman, because I just love men”. I laughed which caused her guard to come up and say something like “I know that doesn’t make sense” and, again I laughed thinking of nothing else but Thumper at that point.

I said something like “you know, you can have both, don’t you? have you not ever listened to Dan Savage?” (she had not) and then I said, “actually, I have a really good friend, who is male, but identifies almost exactly as you do. He calls himself bipanflexible or something like that, but it just basically means his penis is driven by both sexes but his heart is driven just by one sex, women”. She looked like I has just told her something that caused a spark to fire in her head, so being the proud cocky one I was at that moment, I decided to take this further by saying “actually, he’s married to a wonderful woman but he has a boyfriend who he cares about in a different kind of way, but it really works for him, his boyfriend, and his wife who is not only completely aware of it, she endorses it.”

Her. Mind. Was. Blown.

She processed this for a bit, while she also processed my down payment, and then said “that’s really great and odd, but how does his boyfriend feel about the wife and that he’s always going to be in second place. Is he not jealous?” It’s a natural question and one that one might immediately ask so I didn’t think much about it which was absolutely obvious seconds later when I said:

“Oh, I don’t mind that at all, she’s a wonderful woman and I think the world of her and have nothing at all to ever be jealous of because the boundaries were always clear.”

I don’t think I heard myself because I wondered why she had such an odd look on her face right before I processed backwards a second while a chorus of “fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck me, fuck” played in my now revealed as the boyfriend head.

She looked at me and rather smiled and said “well, good for you, now do you want your first payment processed today or on the 15th and, oh, I have to ask, does Axel know?”

I said “of course he knows although let’s not tell him I told you, okay?” and then we laughed a bit.

The business was done and we were wrapping up and I thought to myself I should at least close the loop, so when we parted I said, “Oh, ____, one more thing. To go back to the first part of our conversation, despite me being the boyfriend, there is absolutely no doubt at all that his wife controls the penis. In fact, he often says she refers to it as hers, so I think you are on to something there”.

This weekend was a bad weekend for my D/s world mostly because my muggle world took over and, if you follow the blog, it took over with a vengeance that in hindsight is now almost comical. So, weekend over, I am now sitting on the first of two flights that will get me to my northeastern destination today for a very busy day tomorrow. However, the busy day will be worth it as it will actually get me back home on a Tuesday night for two rare midweek nights at home before I get to go see the rabbit later in the week. I’m excited about seeing him this time more than most simply because it’s just been too long (longer than typical visits simply due to calendar issues) and the connection, the friendship, and, to be all zen-like here, the positive energy he adds to a room is just contagious, and I need a bit of that in my world right now.

Oh, and the sex. The (hopeful) dirty, sweaty, steel laden, wet, fun, exciting sex part. Did I forget to mention that?

Silly me, yeah, I like that part too <he says with a wicked, wicked grin>.

Over the weekend, I got several of those horrid commenter comments about how awful I was for turning Thumper gay and possibly doing the same to my friend Happa. I think the writer was very confused by the recent news about Obama banning conversion therapy thinking I was at fault, but those are the kind of stupid posts from stupid people I can have fun with and laugh at because, well, they are stupid. I’m not sure that even if I could wave my alleged magic fairy-fairy wand that, at least in my head, showers the receiver with glitter, I’d actually use it to stop those because they amuse me. We all know, especially from the pictures, that Thumper was pretty far along the bisexual biway long before my magic wand entered the picture. Also, for the record, that was the absolute last time I will even insinuate that my penis is a magic wand because I actually find that creepy and am already keenly aware of whatever talents it may or may not possess.

However, mixed within those hate filled messages that were posted here and on Denying Thumper, I received an email or two directly from the same guy following up on a post Thumper posted Saturday about his health and the care that he received when seeking it. The physician he saw basically said that since he was bisexual and sexually active, he must have had an STD and sent him on his way with some antibiotics and that was that (I am very much summarizing, so please go there to read it if you have not).

What bothered, offended, and saddened me about these notes was that the assumption that I, a gay man, would be a disease ridden whore because, well, the implication was that’s just what gay men are. This makes me grieve for the children possibly being raised by people who think like that and, again, worry me because the writer knew enough about me and Thumper to have read us, which means they likely have some sort of kink or fetish interest themselves. How this is possible that they can be so out of the loop about certain basic things like this and other just day to day issues like gay marriage (he was another one who listed me as “married” with quotation marks) (fuck him) yet still be readers of blogs like these? That just absolutely astonishes me.

But, while I think these are isolated cases, I am still amazed at the way people project their insecurities about bisexuality, open marriage, homosexuality, people who wear white after Labor Day, domination and submission, or anything someone may be doing toward something or someone else. In this case, the four of us involved in this awesome open quadrangle that is working with nary a hiccup seem to really bug the fuck out of some people because I think some wish us failure, just because.

That said, the basic human nature to project yourself into something or on to someone else should not surprise me because when I started making it more public – in my online life at least – that my husband had given me permission to go outside and play, I started getting lots of questions from nosy, or maybe just interested parties, about why I was not “whoring around”. Why didn’t I take this new freedom and run to a bar, invite strangers to my hotel room, or worse, just rub up against strangers in airports? I have often been amused by questions like these because I realized very quickly that they were generally coming from people who were, at least in their opinion, locked down into a relationship and they were simply projecting their fantasies on to me and my freedom.

It wasn’t a new concept really because with my job and travel being what it is, my muggle and non-muggle friends often just can’t fathom why every night after work I am not out exploring local pubs or running to museums on my lunch break, etc. It’s back to that “we all tend to want what we don’t have mentality” and I am as guilty as every one of those people in feeling that way about certain things at certain times, so that’s really just human nature. It’s not hard for me to believe that my friends who are home with two sick kids wish they were with me in Sydney or in Shanghai presumably living it up (especially since I most often cannot discuss what it is I do) but I also bet they have no idea that on many of those nights I would kill to be home with a kid with a sniffle or two. It’s just how the world works.

However, projections of hate and insecurities make no sense to me and, while I will deal with them as they come, I hope I never get used to them. I know many of my fellow bloggers have their own crazy fans, so maybe we should just start feeling special when they “pray for us” or damn us for being actively normal adults with healthy sex and home lives? I for one think that would piss them off more than anything and, at the end of the day, isn’t that what we really want?