To continue on a bit from my previous post where I discussed the evolution of my sexuality, the last few weeks have been an interesting study in how I am dealing with my switch side as well and what I have learned. If I could sum it up neatly with a little bow on top I would say something along the lines of that I have learned that I am a switch within a switch, but there is nothing neat and clean about that statement at all, so I can’t say that.

What I have discovered is that I have become adept at playing both sides even within the prescribed roles I have with my partner. In many ways, over the last year I have discovered that what I have called my sub side is really just me having a vehicle in which to express and learn both sides of my kinkiest thoughts and fantasies. When I am in a submissive position, while I may love every single thing that is going on, my mind never really “clicks” in gear with that role like I see what happens with Thumper.

I understand this because, with him, my brain clicks to that dominant part of my sexuality in a way that I sometimes have to stop or pace myself with him before I go too far too fast, which is something he has to do on the submissive side as well. In that sexual pairing, at that certain time, we are right for each other like two sides of the puzzle and I enjoy every single ounce of power I have over him while inflicting pain, enacting uncomfortable positions, or using him sexually like an object whose only reason for being there is for my use, my pleasure, and to be nothing but a receptacle for my pain I want to give him. But, where the switch within a switch comes in is that when we are done with that aspect of our relationship, whether it being for an hour or a month, I take on what would typically be a more submissive role in that I just want him to be happy, comfortable, and to have a good time when we are together by allowing, no, basically asking that he take on the role of the planner, the restaurant chooser, and the keeper of the remote. I used to think this was because I was always in his city, his guest so to speak, and that is some of it I am sure, but as we have gotten naked in other places this year, that same pattern follows. With him, I am both the occasionally annoying sappy boyfriend who sometimes just wants to hear a voice and know if the day was good or bad and the dominant boyfriend who sometimes just wants to hear nothing but whines and screams out of his gagged mouth with little or no care as to what he is thinking at that exact moment because it’s about me.

It’s odd when you step back and think about it, but it works for us, sometimes better than others, but as we progress toward the climax of our first year together, it’s getting easier for both of us to be each role when required. When this started, I used to rather beat myself up at times for having that sappy side, because fuck buddies don’t have that (although I have since learned that some do), but I have relaxed that feeling of “guilt” now in many ways because the newness of us has melted into more of just “an us” routine along with the realization that that sappy guy is just who I am, be it with my husband, my boyfriend, my best friend, my neighbor, or the guy who lives in a box a block from my house. I am just the guy that wants to know those in my life are happy, where they are supposed to be, and really hope that every time we finish a communication that they can smile and feel good about what just happened. I think this just fucking god damn means that I am a sappy, nice guy and if you are in my life you are just going to have to deal with it. Period. No guilt or apologies and no more beating myself up either.

Now, on to Axel and the switchiness that is taking place with us.

With him, what I have learned is that I love him having control of my cock and my orgasms but, for me, that is less about being a submissive to him and more about giving him a gift that he enjoys having as a form of a tribute to him for our many, many years together and for all the amazing things he has given to me through the years, including the ability to have a boyfriend on the side. Unlike many of my locked friends in a same sex scenario, when he unlocks me it is because he is ready to be fucked or to play with my penis – on his terms- (at least initially) and I enjoy that tremendously as I turn into a top man instantly with the click of that lock – including sometimes flipping the switch to his submissive side. While it is somewhat about orgasm control, I don’t think we will ever go to the long term denial place because that simply doesn’t do it for him (or our current life). Though, if he does want that, I realize that it’s not my choice since it comes with the gift I gave. Though I say that knowing it will never really be that long of a term because I have an automatic pass for my time with Thumper and that comes every four to six weeks already (except the next visit which we are having a dandy of a time trying to get scheduled between our calendars). That said, whether I am technically his sub or some other term, what this has allowed Axel and I to do is to get our kink on like no other time in the past. He feels kink power* because I have his metal on and in my penis and I feel kink power just having it there, so as we allow ourselves to channel that, we now find ourselves sitting at a kinky table with everything on it just ready for us to grab, touch, fondle, and abuse (can you just envision that table?? the one is my mind is either black leather or rubber and has most of of the Mr S. stockroom laid out on it and Thumper locked to it with his ass up in the air).

For me, even though I don’t like to usually admit this, I am absolutely thrive in competition and have a drive that will knock whoever out of my way without remorse if that means I will get the better seat, prize, or lane (that is an extreme example btw, I do give in occasionally). While my entire career is based on this and always has been, I realized that I was missing this at home because Axel never challenged me on anything and I would take advantage of that fact often, just because. So, as a way of embracing our kinks, over the last few weeks, Axel and I have been working on a point system for rewards such as massages, foods, orgasm passes, and more for kinky tasks like carrying a plug for a period of hours a week, spending an extra hour or two in the gym that week, a spanking, time spent in some type of severe bondage, or sexually perverse pictures sent from time to time through the week and, occasionally, posted on Twitter. There really is no punishment clause for us, unlike when I play a similar game with Thumper, because failing to reach the reward is enough mental anguish to me that a beating would not provide. Axel is both learning to accept a more dominant part of his personality in setting these weekly goals and embracing some of his kinky fantasies that I have to admit I never knew he had. When my Steelwerks device comes, the device he prescribed and he paid for (two important facts for him – well, both of us), I suspect we will see these things escalate where we might go down an even kinkier path, but we are no longer going to start forecasting that now, because that is what has tripped us up each and every time we have tried in the past (and, fyi, I think you will know why I feel I have to say this, but the last two weeks I have BLOWN past both my goals, just sayin’).

So, this is getting too long and is likely where I need to stop this as it’s getting repetitive, but to close it up, I can’t really believe I am at this place in life because I am happier with my kinky mind than I think I have ever been and feel great satisfaction in knowing that between both Axel and Thumper and our “activities” combined with some of my new gear, I see myself on a nice kinky path while holding the hands of some great new friends at the same time.

Oh, and KINK POWER.

*This just seems like a phrase that should be in bold. Just because. 

Over the last year,  I think there has not been a week that has gone by that I have not evolved a wee bit in my sexuality or in my viewpoints about the sexuality of others. Though he has directly been responsible for much of this evolution, I am not contributing all of this to Thumper, but enough to call his role extremely significant. The rest has come through this blog and my Twitter fun as I have met a few great people in person via that but, with a few more, I feel like I have just amazing friends out there who I am just waiting to meet someday. I get around so it will happen. I hope. It’s through all these eyes that mine have been opened more and more and when I sit back and think about where I am now, I can only think that it’s just a great “place” to be living my life.

With that, two things are on my mind this week: My switchiness and vaginas. Yes, I said vagina.

Since I am there, let’s start with a talk about vaginas and my new less adverse reaction to the idea of them. Now we all know the double gold star shit so I am not going through that again, but if you read Denying Thumper and this post, you know that last week I sat around with one very much confirmed bisexual man, you know, my boyfriend that I have sex with, and another heteroflexible man, who I am determined to become his new gay best friend (because every mostly straight guy should have one), listening to them go on and on and on about the wonderfulness of pussy and what they like to do to, with, and in them. This was an experience that was absolutely new to me and, the Drew from a year ago, would have mentally cupped his ears and sang something really gay like “I Will Survive” in his head over and over again until they stopped, but the new Drew didn’t. I listened. I questioned. I envisioned. And, in doing so, I realized I was no longer as pussy-phobic – which is fine, but that shit had to stop right there.

Fast forward a few days and I was in my hotel room doing my typical evening of multitasking which involves ironing, eating, baseball on the Apple TV, texting with those I adore, and either working, perving, or learning via my Macbook. This particular night was a pervy one, so I found myself Tumbling on Thumper’s portfolio and came across this picture that, well, rather excited me. My head was screaming at me like “WTF dude” while my dick, who at the time was safely locked away in a steel tube, was trying to rise to the occasion like he has just seen a troop of naked firemen walking through his bedroom. I did not know what to do because, as dumb as it might sound, in 45 years that had never happened. Not once. Sure I looked at the the Playboys hidden in the woods with my friends growing up, but what they didn’t know was I had found the one and only naked picture of a man in each magazine and had focused my energy there which allowed me to avoid speculation (though it was later pointed out that my lack of the use of the word “titties” was a significant clue for my best friend at the time). I was confused. I was perplexed. I was scared. So, like any good boyfriend would do, I immediately texted Thumper for comfort and words of support because clearly, clearly with this one image I was now bisexual or something and I would do nothing but scare Axel if I sent that filth to him.

Being his boyfriendly self, Thump immediately texted back with something soothing like “which picture was it?“, you know, like THAT was the crisis at hand here. I sent it to him and he came back with other supporting words like “that one will do it” and then tweeted all about my personal penile betrayal as he clearly didn’t understand how awful this arousal was for me. Admittedly, the tweets did turn to about how funny it would be to all the people who thought I was turning him gay if he turned me bisexual and, well, I have to admit that would be pretty funny, though, for the record, it hasn’t happened.

Once the shock was over and the nightmare averted, I started thinking that what this weirdness did was cause me to really take a hard look, pun intended, at the fact that, in the grand scheme of sexuality, it’s been a very foolish thing for me to have had such a closed mind about female sexuality and the, apparently, beautiful things women can do with their lady parts. I admit to now having a much greater curiosity about what it would be like to have sex with a woman and, while I still have zero interest in doing so, I have to tell you that I think I would be awful at it even if I got past my initial squee’d out reaction. I say this based purely on my sexual interactions with Thumper and how we go about things. He is gentle, kind, and has a light touch that I have never felt with another man which usually causes me to say “harder, faster, rougher” leaving him saying something like “that’s just what I am used to”. For me, when I am doing something as simple as rubbing his shoulders or legs, I look over to see a contorted face of pain because I am squeezing the living hell out of him which is how I have always done it with every man I have been with and, apparently, this is not how Belle does it. Even an act as simple as kissing has a difference as he has taught me how to be lighter, better, and more gentle which is one of several things Axel appreciates me doing differently throughout the past year.

While what I have described above sounds like it’s a bad blooper reel of gay sex gone wrong, it’s not like that at all in the reality and you have read those posts to prove that. But, it does show give he and I have a chance that many don’t, which is to be able to take very intimate look into the other side of sexuality and the inner workings of things like touch, taste, time and learn from it to make us each better partners to our primaries. For me, I have been wasting that view by immediately moving it to the weird place in my mind that blocked such thoughts or images and I am going to stop that and allow myself to learn and grow for me and the two who I have the privilege of seeing naked often.

So, that’s it for the vaginas part and it went longer than I expected, so I have decided to do a follow up post later today about my new switch revelations and how that has almost completely evolved from where I started, especially as Axel now takes a bit more control of the penis I carry around.

Good day all. I have seven meetings today with 45 minutes of down time in the middle, so I decided to pop off a quick little post about what is on my mind this morning – stupid questions. Although now that I have used the phrase “pop off” my mind has gone elsewhere, but, none the less, about those questions.

We have talked incessantly about the mean comments, the bigoted comments, and the simply wonderful comments, but this is aimed specifically at most people who are not actually reading me or Thumper because, well, they just couldn’t be if they ask such things. Some of these questions come from the Twitter where people see one thing and then send a message which I typically delete, but most of them come from Recon or Fetlife where I have profiles that essentially describe my weirdly wonderful life in a nutshell and then point the reader toward this and Thumper’s blog. I don’t mind them at all, but sometimes I have to show restraint when and if I answer because, well, you will see.

That said, the inspiration for this post came from a lovely gentleman this morning who said and asked:

“Drew, love the locking curved barbell. Can it get wet or do you have to take it out every time you piss?”

I didn’t answer him but did put it on Twitter to, well, just because. Think about that, dude.

A few days ago I got one that clearly shows why I am weeping for the reading comprehension levels in America if this is indeed true. It said something like:

“Drew, I have read almost every page of yours and Thumper’s blogs. It’s all great, but what are you two going to do when his wife finds out you fuck him?”

I can see how he could be confused because neither of us have ever talked about Belle and whether or not she knew about me. Never.

Every page? My ass. I did have to laugh though because nobody is ever concerned about Axel. That said, because of this websites these are mostly coming from gay men, so they know how to deal with a partner but the idea of a woman being involved, in ANY degree, is just so foreign that they lose all their sensibilities I guess. But Axel is fine too, btw.

“When you and Thumper break up, will you find another sub and do you want him locked in chastity by his wife too?”

Thanks for the vote of confidence on me and Thump and, yes, should we ever decide to not partake in what we do now, I will certainly choose from the plethora of locked married men who want a dick in them once a month or so. Surely they’d come running. But, never you worry, I don’t think we will have to address this question in real life.

There have been many more of these and I just have not paid that much attention, though I certainly will from now on because it’s kinda fun to write.

But, I think my favorite one came as a direct response to this blog a month or so ago and said:

“I am very jealous of you and Thumper. I have read so much and seen his pictures for years and just wondered if you could tell me if his penis is as nice in person as it is online?”

That one I did respond to with a simple, “dunno, when he is with me he doesn’t have one”.

Fellow bloggers, do you get the stupid ones too or is this just another example of how special I am?

Yet again, hello from 30 something thousand feet in the air somewhere over the Canadian border. Quite a different flight tonight because, to my right in seat 1D, sits Thumper who is reading a really thick book and stewing because the headrest on the seat isn’t all bendy and doesn’t cradle his head the way he would like. I was able to, somehow, finagle us upgrades both to and fro, but, alas, there are no bendy headrests so “the whole trip is a disaster”, according to the rabbit.

Actually, the trip has been a really good one and, even as we are winding down and heading back to Minneapolis where he will go home and I will go to an airport hotel to sleep before heading back east tomorrow for work, we are still quietly smiling. Most likely for different reasons, but still, it’s a nice feeling.

We arrived early evening last night after a delay and went straight to find some food and then head to the hotel to watch a ballgame and, well, get naked. We made it through an inning or two before the nakedness happened for both of us (he has his hotel rules, you know) and we began what would become a few hours of play with one attempted bed time in the middle that was ruined by me having one post orgasm erection that would not stop. I felt like I was 23 again and, well, since it was there…. (Now we all know I  don’t really write about the sex stuff with us here but within a few days the story will get out one way or another.)

Sleep never really happened for both of us, though apparently I got more than he did because that flu from the last two weeks left me really stuffy and snoring like a boar at times which I suspect is new to him, and, after “releasing” two times in two hours, I was rather relaxed. However, something about being fucked, looking at Tumblr and having his nipples abused revved him up and he wasn’t really out until about 5am. Of course, not knowing this I woke him at 6 because my erection wanted to say hello again and, well, let’s just say he is tired tonight but still in a non cranky place which I appreciate.

So, I am writing this tonight as a slightly more kinky Drew than I was this morning because I now own latex jocks, briefs, and a fitted hood that is, well, just beautiful. In addition, I have ordered my very own piece of art from Steelwerks Extreme that will be just absolutely fucking amazing. I decided to go with a Tiffany model which is half titanium and half stainless with an extra cock ring and scrotal cuff for those days when I want to shake it up a bit. This device will work in tandom with my locking curved barbell, Chris, the owner and artist in residence at Steelwerks, designed for me earlier in the summer. I went there today with the idea of changing this, changing that, and customizing it to be my own, but, in the end, Thumper gave me some advice that doing so to that would be, in a way, like me adding hood scoops or stripes to my beloved X5m, which immediately told me to stop and just go with what the expert had designed and proven to be a success. Chris has a few muggle things happening in life over the next few weeks, so I have told him to not worry about any deadline and just get it to me when he can, which will likely be around the first of November which is perfect as it allows me and Axel to get our planned groove going in a the interim.

After this, he took us to a friend of us his that designs latex fetish wear to see the process and the inventory and, holy fuck, I may be a rubber man one day. This stuff was brilliant and the smell was simply intoxicating. I surely see a bad hotel carpet picture coming later in the week for these items.

Finally, another note about Steelwerks Extreme because I simply cannot begin to tell you how high quality both the work and the man who makes it are. Chris, who himself is a piece of walking art via ink, has a magic combination of kindness, charm, geekiness, and a magical abilitity to mix a leather collar with a white collar which helps me further blend my worlds together. He allowed us to hold and touch an older device that he uses for show and a personal device he uses for, well, not my business, and it was truly like holding some rare piece of art that you have only seen in a museum. As I have noted, it’s expensive in the way a Mercedes is compared to a Mazda, but after being here today, any thought I had about whether the investment would be worth it was out the window in minutes. While this was happening, the three of us spent the day talking about kinks, dicks, politics, and, more – in this case “more” specifically means their frequent talk about lady parts and how much fun it is to play with “down there”. Gross. But, despite that pussy stuff, we had a great day that is going to help me on multiple levels in the future.

Hello from a grand hotel room in an even grander hotel in South Beach/Miami, Florida. I am sitting on my balcony as I write this waiting for my colleague to fly in so we can go to dinner to talk about the presentation he and I are giving tomorrow. It’s a two hour one and I do not even know the subject, so I am going to have to pay attention. However, right now I’d give anything to be in the sky sitting next to Axel (even in coach) because he is on his way home after about a day and three quarters together celebrating his birthday and our anniversary.

People often ask about how he and I “work” with my travel schedule and loneliness and the like and I always tell them that we just make it work because it’s really been all we have ever known for most of our time together. During the first half of our partnership, I didn’t travel, but he spent most week nights and some weekends finishing multiple degrees and hundreds upon hundreds of practice hours while I stayed home after my desk job. When that finished, we had a few years that overlapped, but then I started traveling like I am now and, here we are. So, we make it work and, while leaving is never easy, it’s unfortunately just commonplace.

Except when it’s not, like today.

Today, I was willing to give my American Express to Delta to change his ticket to tomorrow night so we’d have one more night and one more morning tomorrow. Plus, he would have been able to watch me give a presentation tomorrow that would have been kinda hot, because any time I am in front of a crowd I always think about him and that I need to kick ass to both keep my job and get more jobs, but to also know that wherever he is, he’d be proud of me. But, the fantasy lasted as long as the realization that he had clients tomorrow and I really didn’t want to spend half of my house note either. So, I took him to the airport, turned in our personal rental car and picked up and new one under the work credit card (which coincidently is the hottest rental I have ever had – a 370z) and here I sit on the balcony almost in work mode again.

See, when I think about it, there is a price to pay for a great weekend and I am paying in now in self pity which will go away the minute he walks in the door to our house and, in my mind, the world is right again and everyone is on their “place”. When we have an average weekend, the leaving is just our life, but the exceptional weekends require the payment and, as I am always willing to pay that, I am really not complaining.

This weekend we slept. Saturday until 10 and today until 9:30. Both of us have just been exhausted and there is nothing like waking up next to a tan man wrapped in all white sheets with the blue of the ocean behind you. It’s the sexiest thing (and I have a picture of him I will see if I can share). But, after that, we walked, we shopped, we ate, and we talked. Sex? We had plenty of naked time but no sex because I simply still don’t feel that great and cold medicine and my penis are just not great friends. Also, until earlier today, I still could not hear out of my clogged right ear so that was just frustratingly bizarre. It got better quickly, but when it did there was blood, so I worry the pressure resulted in an eardrum tear that I will go see about sometime tomorrow. But, back to the good stuff.

As I said, we talked. In that talking, we mapped out almost every single detail of our sexual fantasies and then logically decided how each of us are going to fulfill those for the other, or, allow the other to go fulfill them for themselves. For him, I am going to be locked up at most times, not to the degree of Thumper or many of the rest of you, but enough to know that it matters and that my orgasms at any other time than with the rabbit are not mine to decide on. He wants to lose a few pounds and I have agreed to do some really perverted things for him when he reaches milestones. He, in turn, is going to do a few things for me or to me too. We will not be Master/slave, or even Daddy/boy, but something along the lines of Husband/husband where I am allowing him to take progressive control of me and some of the life functions I have been stubborn about letting go even when I am not around to do them. I will have a few standing tasks as well and we are going to explore some discipline based areas with that, because I now fully admit I don’t want or like being disciplined (but fucking LOVE to do it) but that is the only way I am going to allow myself some structure since my free flowing work world does not do that for me like many other workplaces would do. In time I will tell you more about them, but for now, that’s just enough to tell you that I left the conversation happier with the idea than I have been in years and WANTING him so fucking bad right now.

Throughout this, we talked about Thumper and his role in our life and we both smiled like mad when doing so. I laughed because last night during our anniversary dinner, we started talking about Thumper and Belle and how much we admire them as both muggle and kinky people and then I laughed to myself, because I think the circle has come around completely because I was introduced to Thumper’s blog right around the time of his anniversary with Belle. I remember that because it was the first of a few surprising negative comments about the insensitivity of talking about your “other” on a “holy” night like an anniversary. That commenter didn’t know what she would start with that, but nearly a year later, it’s was just one of those silly, funny moments that mean nothing to anyone but me.

So, in closing, it was a stellar weekend and I am planning to extend this feeling to the week as Axel and I kick into gear and Thumper and I build up to our trip next weekend.

Today I got called a “faggot”

It was quite unsettling, yet it didn’t really bother me because I really don’t think the person who called me that meant it. But I’m not sure. I texted Thumper and Axel to ask their opinions and both were a bit taken a bit aback by it, but I think my nonchalantness may have tempered the expected response.

Now, hours later sitting in a big blue leather seat flying through some stormy looking clouds, I am pissed off because, that just shouldn’t happen, but it did, and in a professional environment.

Here’s the story. Today I was at an a very well known 200 year old institution north of New York that has seen its share of scandal through the years. I am a regular consultant there and have been there enough times through the years that I have gotten to know some of the  staff who I don’t work with specifically. So, when I got there today I was greeted by a man who I have not seen in years and he asked for my email address after we chatted a bit and caught up on life and baseball (thank you again, Thumper). I handed him a business card since it had been a few years since I had given him one and he started looking at me quizzically.

Now, as you may or may not know, when the first SCOTUS ruling happened in 2013, Axel and I got legally married on our anniversary (which happens to be his birthday) (which happens to be this weekend) (which happens to mark 18 years) ( I happen to be taking him to Miami/South Beach for dinner tomorrow and a Saturday play date) (it happens that mileage and points are my one career luxury).

For about 250 different reasons, the most compelling of which was that my mother thought it was “only appropriate”, Axel and I wanted to have the same last name, you know, like all the popular straight couples do. I had a long name with lots of vowels. He had a short name that was kinda cool yet not too common. We tried half and half. We tried adding a hyphen. We tried creating something new. But, in the end, his name just sounded good with my actual first name, so I changed my legal last name, a process that is awful for anyone, but for a man in the South it is, or hopefully WAS, a hassle that needed court rulings and lots of signatures. Adding to this, I had about 20 plus years of doing what it is that I do, so I had to essentially come out to every client I had, but luckily had the blessing of my bosses that I could tell them to “fuck off” if I had any issue because we didn’t want them as a client (it was a good year and luckily I never had a single issue).

So,back to this morning.

It’s been a few years now and most of my clients and coworkers just know me as the married me with the short name and don’t think twice about it. Hell, even I have reached a point where I can answer to it without giggling a bit, so I just don’t think about it. Then, this morning as I handed him my card, he said, “wait, this is not you. Did you change your name or something?” To which I replied a simple “yes, when I got married a few years ago I decided to change mine”. I don’t go into the dribble of who I married, who I fuck, etc, I just simply leave it at that. So, that was that and then he said, “huh, I didn’t know you were a faggot. Well, good for you and I hope marriage treats you well” and then he went about his day and I went about mine walking away a bit puzzled, maybe hurt, maybe not. I had work to do and went to do it.

So, a bit later I was texting with Thump about this,that and Josh Duggar, when I just casually thought to say, “oh, guess what, I got called…”. He responded with something akin to “what the fuck?” with a “who do I need to come hurt?” tone and I played it off a bit in the way I used to forgive my grandmother for saying “colored”, because during her life that was all she knew.
But this man wasn’t too old, was, based on where he worked, fairly well educated and exposed to many types of people, and as I sit here now I can’t forgive him as easily as I did this afternoon, though I can’t say I hate him either.

It’s funny, I think I had a fucking real life commenter from this blog or Thumper’s right there in front of me because he did the exact same things some of the nasty people here have done by insulting in the first sentence followed by a nice expression in the second one. Since the first time Amy in Alabama lit up my comments with hate almost a year ago, I have always wondered what I would do if I ever had the chance to meet one of those people in real life and, I’ll be damned, I did and didn’t even realize it.

Now, to be fair to me, he did not start out with “I’ve been reading your boyfriend’s posts for years…” like 90 percent of them do. If he had, I would like to think I would have clued in, but I blew my chance, though, it wasn’t a place I would have caused a scene anyway.

But, like many of the comments we have gotten, I am confused by the hate followed by the happy. Do these people do this regularly in life with other things too? Should we try it? I’m currently thinking of all the muggle variations we could give back like:

“you look great, even with the extra weight”,

“wow you have aged, but you do it well”,

“your child is really stupid, but she’s so pretty”, or

“I’ve seen your sinning pictures on the Internet, but boy you ride that dildo quite well”

Actually, I have done this in my life before and I remember it being therapeutic, because a friend of my mother’s saw me once after awhile and said “wow, Drew, you are really bald” and I remember in a split second coming back at her with “wow, Helen, you sure are old” while my mother laughed like she was proud of the smart assed son she raised. It felt great and is still something I think about many, many years later.

All this, but no answers here and I will likely never know whether Mr. Man was being nice to me or judging me. I want to think he had a stroke or just didn’t catch himself in time, like when I catch myself wanting to say “Oriental”. I’m not going to worry about it either because it’s over and I am not sure I would have made the situation any better had I scolded him. I just don’t think he knew what damage a word like that can do and, if he had to use it, I am glad he did on me versus one of the younger people who are still fragile enough to let that get into their head.

So, I am going to forgive him and let it go, however, I do hope someone in his world calls him fat and old this weekend.

Hi. It’s Drew. Remember me?

It feels like forever since I have written a post and it’s just been one of those weeks where I could not think of anything to write about. It hasn’t been a bad week at all, just busy and I have had an aversion to writing ANYTHING, texts included, which is especially sad because I have three huge reports all due next Friday that I could have been working on this week. But, I didn’t and I will get them in. Somehow. The good news is I have channeled that into working out, watching baseball and watching my newest discovery of Netflix, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. It’s a silly little show by Tina Fey that has just made me laugh all week.

My mood is way better thanks to the pill that got my hormone level out of manapause rather quickly and I am no longer extremely sensitive and baby kitten like weak. The side effect of that is a raging horniness that has not been felt in awhile and I am rather enjoying that, even though Axel is far away and Thumper is out in the woods without internet access all week. On that note, it was funny, last week when all the mood drama hit me and he and I were still in the “is he repulsive?” stages of his bisexuality (yes, I said we, commenters, because Axel tells me that when the “r word” is mentioned that people go through things together, but, his layers of sexuality do have a direct impact on me so it’s appropriate) I rather worried about if I did miss him would that be weird or some other kind of shit like that, but, life is life and I have missed him this week and look forward to his return to my day to day world. Simple as that. We keep each other company, or, mostly, he keeps me company and updated on world news and baseball while I am out and about so that’s nice. Also, this week my work colleague who I text with about 37 times a day has been on vacation and Axel is crazy busy, so I really have zero excuses for not getting my work done aside from fucking Kimmy Schmidt.

Axel and I have not yet had the chastity and discipline talk we have been planning to have, but that has been due to some schedules that have been weirder than normal and a particular client he has been working with that has troubled us both all week. I think I will actually post about that situation separately because it’s something that deserves it’s own spotlight rather than being buried in the middle of a long post about really nothing.

That said, one thing I want to address is last week in the post where I discussed that I was having trouble finding my sub space, I mentioned that Axel and I were on the edge of taking a bigger step toward a different kind or level of chastity than we had in the past and I wondered if I was nervous about that. I was not really meaning that the new device I will be ordering in a few weeks was going to change everything, but a few people thought that in the comments and, while I addressed it there, I want to reiterate that a bit here too.

Thumper mentioned,

The Steelheart was going to do the trick, but didn’t. A Steelwerks device will do the trick, but will it? I don’t know. He’s been through a lot of devices and none of them have worked for whatever reason”. 

This was followed by him also saying,

“Besides any unresolved behavioral/relationship/dynamic issues (none of which am I privy to, BTW) or perhaps wanting the *idea* of chastity more than the reality for whatever reason (he’s really into the shiny baubles with ceramic knobs), Drew’s lifestyle is really poorly suited to the long-term enforced dynamic. Possible, but such a bigger hassle. And, IMO, until Axel really puts his foot down about it, I don’t know that it’ll ever reach critical mass.”

When he wrote that, he texted me that I was likely not going to like his comment and that it was approaching an area that he and I had not talked about. This is true on the talked about area because it’s is hard for us, him specifically, to see me as the switch I am, so I sometimes leave some of the details out of details because, me being a sub is the last place I want his mind to go during the times when I need him focused. As for me not liking it, nah, I thought it was pretty spot on, but also shows that I have not done a good job of educating those around me, even my boyfriend, about what it is that Axel and I want to accomplish by this change in the dynamic.

First and foremost, unless I ever change jobs or find myself grounded for an extended period of time, Axel and I will never have anything close to what Thumper and Belle have, nor do I think we want it that way. We see the chastity as a prelude to very good sex and, in Axel’s mind, because he likes my penis a great deal, very good sex involves me being unlocked, so I will not be denied in the way that many crave. Would I like that? maybe, but it’s simply not an option for us, so we don’t even think about it. It’s more of a game at times and right now, that is working aside from the fact I do not have a device that I find very comfortable for the long term due to my PA, the size tube I need, and other issues. We LOVE the idea of him owning my dick and that was accomplished with the his “request” (i.e. demand) I get the PA first and now with that locking barbell that I no longer even carry an emergency key to, so we accomplished that and he is beginning to refer to it as “his”, etc. I love that. The lockup, however, at least for the time being, is going to be something we do when I am home at all times and when I am traveling at specific times. This will allow my sex to be controlled which, in return, will drive my sex drive through the roof – something that is often hard to have happen when I am tired all the time from never being in the same place each week.

The device itself, well, yes, it’s going to be an investment but we are looking at it like the wedding ring we never spent money on. In fact, I looked last night and mine cost $22 and his was $28 when we bought them on Amazon in 2013 when the first SCOTUS ruling occurred, so it’s not like we went all out. This device, which I can’t wait to show you the design ideas we have been batting back and forth to Canada, is going to be unique for me, fit to me, and, though chosen by me for comfort and design, approved by Axel which will make me proud to wear it. I know that we could do what we are doing with a Holy Trainer or, gasp, God forbid a CB6000, but, I consider us lucky enough to not have to take that route so I look forward to the adventure to get it and the adventures long after it is made.

Now, I have one minute until I have to go present a presentation to 28 strangers, so I need to quickly get my mindset off of this and in a more “neutral” place.

Think dead puppies, Drew. Dead puppies. Dead puppies. Old women having sex. Dead puppies.

Okay, that worked…