Thumper here.
I feel like I know things and then things happen and I realize I don’t really. Like with being a sub and knowing I’m not a switch or anything like that but then deciding to get “involved” with one. I figured no biggy. That’s his deal, not mine. I’ll just stay over here in my little subby hut on the beach and have a nice time while he goes off and does whatever it is his kind do in between visiting me in my hut and doing unspeakable things to me. Oh, but that it were that simple.
What I found was, as Drew and Axel did their thing together, is that Drew wanted to talk about it me, his friend he sometimes fucks. And I was more than willing to listen along being a friend and all, but as the discussion moved in the direction of chastity and denial and how to live with that and the effects of it, I realized that I keep people in little boxes with labels scribbled on the outside in black Sharpie. When I first met Drew, he was in the DOM box because he was, truly, all dommy and mysterious and that made my subby bits hum and purr. But in talking with him over time about the switchiness of his relationship I had to keep taking him out and putting him in the other box (“SUBBIE”). And the more I did that the harder it was to fit him back in the dom box and now he’s pretty well stuck in the sub box for me.
Which, of course, is not a crisis or a problem or anything like that. I feel compelled to say that since I know there are two groups of people (at least) reading these words: Those concerned for our happiness and well-being and those expecting all of it to explode in our faces and destroy our lives along the way. To the first group, you’re very sweet. To the second, you can suck it.
You may recall, Drew liked me wearing my watch on my right hand. It was his way of marking me but totally innocent and non-threatening to the muggles. But I never really liked wearing it on my right hand. I’ve had it on my left hand for 47 years (or thereabouts — probably didn’t wear watches when I was 18 months old). On Friday, I put it on as I normally do and realized I had screwed up. But I didn’t switch it to the Drew hand. I didn’t feel it. That need to do what my dom wants for whatever reason they have because I’m their sub even if it left me mildly uncomfortable. He noticed on a video I made for him and I totally didn’t even think about it. Then this morning, we were Facetiming and I put my watch on my left hand. Just like that.
He was disappointed. Thought we had a thing. And we did/do. I shouldn’t have just stopped doing it without talking to him because it was one of our things. But many of our things related to D/s have been dropping away like ficus leaves. The difference is this time I unilaterally shed that leaf.
Of course, we are still friends. And I still am looking very much forward to being abused and fucked by him when he’s in town next (as I assume he’s looking forward to abusing and fucking me). I can’t help how I feel but neither can he. At least we have given ourselves the space to communicate with one another about how we’re progressing in our fuck buddy-ship. But in this case, I didn’t communicate. My bad. But I still don’t want my watch on my right hand.
Also, I think we both want this to be somewhat better than just a fuck buddy scenario. “Friends with benefits” at least sounds better. And maybe we both thought there’d be a more than an incidental layer of D/s over all that. But I don’t know now. We will have that when it comes to actual sex, but in more a scene way than a lifestyle way. It’s really hard for me to talk to my Dom boyfriend about his chastity issues and being locked up in a kennel by his Dom husband. It just is.
So, yeah, I was wrong about the not having to deal with his switchiness. I do have to because that’s what he is. The only way it’d work is if I never knew about the Axel stuff but now I do and I can’t unknow it. And I’m really OK with that because exchanging information like that and learning from one another was one of the first things he told me he wanted out of our friendship. If he had to maintain the mysterious leather-clad masked Dom bit forever, that friendship would never happen. And knowing him as I do, I think he’d rather have that along with the bunny sex. At least I think so.
Sounds to me like this is progressing into a relationship that you both need and want, irrespective of original intentions. Seems our friendly bunny is learning anout greyer areas. Well done fellas.
Watching your relationship evolve is fascinating, thank you so much for sharing it. We so rarely get to see this kind of introspection as things develop.
The switchiness is interesting because you are so right: you feel what you feel, and if the feeling wavers (or disappears) you can either pretend it’s still there and hope it fires up again, or admit that it’s not really working.
I often get Dommes asking if it’s okay for them to be, well, not domly all the time (not even related to switching, but to normal human emotions) and I’m always ‘OF COURSE!’ because people are complex and relationships are either about intimacy or they’re not. But I also think there is an (invisible) line which can get crossed, and after that, the D/s can start to feel like play acting because there’s no *actual* dynamic left.
That can be scary to admit and talk about (not really for you and Drew because you aren’t in a primary D/s relationship with each other, so you aren’t seeing the fundamentals of your ‘happily ever after’ at risk).
Long comment. I should write more about this.
Ferns
Oh, you so should.
This question is more for Thumper, but have you ever thought about the fact Drew is more like an Alpha figure to you? He doesn’t have to be your Dom, or owner, just simply your Alpha and he had all the rights and rewards that come with that. He can and should tell you what to do and when, but since everyone’s a beta to someone else, he’s simply your Alpha and Axel and Belle’s beta. Make sense? In genetic terms, a big brother, boss, etc.
I fall into the first group and suspect you two will be very close for a very long time however you define it. I did like that you said “boyfriend” on Twitter. :). Thanks to you both for writing.