So, I have been an ass the last two days. Thumper called me a drama queen. I prefer ass. A big ass.
Unfortunately, this has put a huge strain on my relationship with Axel this weekend. However, fortunately, since he doesn’t read this blog, I can say that it’s without a doubt 100 percent of his fault. Maybe even 110 percent.
As it’s no secret that I have a dominant personality within everyday life and with my boyfriend sexually, with my husband, I have always had a desire to be more submissive to him. He and I have been going along this path swimmingly well and, as he had requested, he asked me to take a step back in managing, or over-managing as some might call it, the day to day aspects of our household especially given that I am almost always somewhere else because he liked that idea of having that role in our domestic relationship.
As I said, this, along with his growing dominance of me sexually and domestically has been going great and was really getting to a place where I felt it beginning to just become a natural part of my core. Until yesterday. The day I will forever call the day Drew emasculated Axel, yelled at a Nurse, became covered in white dust, and, perhaps, added my name to a list of potential kidnap victims by a Mexican gang (or maybe a Chinese one).
The issue that caused all of this was stone. Ironic only because Thumper’s theme of the week was also stone, just a vastly different kind.
We needed new countertops in our kitchen. Even after a renovation a few years back, this was something we had put off until we had enough bonus cash from my annual, well, bonus, to be able to splurge a little and get the good stuff. This was a project that, frankly, we had both looked forward to for about fifteen years and this month was the month. Thursday, in fact, was THE INSTALL DAY. Because life has been what it has been for us and because of our new dynamics, I left this up to Axel as this is something I typically would have been all over every spec of piece by piece. By that, I mean we picked out the stone and sink together, the fancy new faucet that you just have to wave your hand in front of to turn on or make a fist to turn off, and even the color caulk that would be used, together.
However, the new Drew left all the details of the measuring appointments up to Axel as well as the install dates and times where he would make sure he would be the one here to take care of everything. That was hard on the newer, domestically submissive Drew, but I understood and, in reality, that is so what I do want in order to help lower both of our stress levels, thus increasing our desire levels, my submissive state, his dominant state, and our newly improved sex life.
So, spoiler alert, it’s now two days after the initial install and I am now sitting on my front porch while a crew of workers remove everything they did Thursday and replace it with all new everything. The old Drew not only came back, but he came back breathing fire, unfortunately. I knew something was not right Thursday night when Axel sent me a picture and said “looks good, but they cracked the stone all the way across by the sink, but it’s okay, they fixed it. You can hardly tell. Plus, it’s really dirty in here”. He said he was happy with it and signed the form and all was fine. New Drew was skeptical, but fine.
Friday morning, while I was at the airport on my way home, he texted again and said “Um, prepare yourself, it doesn’t look as good as I thought and, wow, they did make it dirty in here. I will call when they open”. New Drew still existed, but when he received a copy of the email from Axel to our sales guy showing the pictures, well, he and every bit of sexual submissiveness he had vanished.
To cut to the chase, and, to his credit, Axel had already arranged that they were going to replace the stone but, in the passive way Axel has that I am often jealous of, he didn’t bother to ask when or how. I was very happy with that, despite the unknown factors, and new Drew sparked a bit. However, I soon came home to find 2 inches of dust on almost every single inch of the entire downstairs of my house and about an inch on every surface upstairs. Adding to this was the crack that was allegedly covered up, looked like someone had taken a sharpie and a glue stick to it, a dishwasher that wasn’t anchored, a floor tile had been broken, and there was a board still nailed to the outside of my lower cabinets – the ones that face the dining room. Old Drew was back and with a vengeance. Oh, oh, the fancy ass faucet, wobbled.
I did call Axel and ask if I could call the company that did it and take over and he willingly obliged. While on hold, I tried really, really, super really hard not to be mad at him for not noticing these tiny details or not thinking that one should cover up the doors and cabinets when one’s work crew is cutting a hole in stone for a sink WHILE INSIDE – even if one has two Masters and a Doctorate degree and is clearly wise in the world, but I could not. I was angry and him, at the place that did it, and at my job for not allowing me to be home more. (FYI – this is about the time Thumper texted me calling me a drama queen) (I will get revenge -said in a queen like voice mind you).
I ranted and raved about the quality with the installer people, who unfortunately mostly spoke Spanish and oddly one who only spoke Mandarin, which I only tried a bit of with her, and finally wound up with them bringing in a crew to work overtime last night and to be here at 9am today, Saturday, to redo everything. Axel went to work this morning and I sat here, fuming again, until they showed up at 11:15.
So, ALL THAT, for me to ask advice. We made up last night, even watched a Dodgers game side by side on the couch while texting with Thumper who was watching the same game (another story for another time because how cool is that in Open Relationship Land?) but I found myself seeing him as weak for not being the alpha and taking charge of the situation and for allowing me to walk all over him to get it the work that needed to be done, done immediately so we can spend tonight cleaning and moving on with the weekend. I am still there in my head, and the thought of sexually submitting to him right now just does not make me quiver in any way. I know I am still mad and that might go away soon, but I let him lose the “power” spot I had for him in my mind and I am now afraid it won’t come back.
I know I will feel better when the literal dust settles, but any advice in the interim?
I understand that one being in one role or the other does not mean that fights or disagreements won’t be had and I also know that we have clearly never stated the fact or even thought the fact that being submissive means you automatically lose an argument, but it just sucks that this hit now, right here, as things were moving forward.
I know that 12 hours from now we will have cleaned the house (or if my Facebook friends who have Angie’s List have come through, hired someone to clean the house) and I think I will be in a better mindset when I literally don’t feel dirty everywhere (this is made worse by the fact it’s pollen season in the south and everything is coated in yellow dust). In fact, I feel better having just gotten this out, as I often do about most things I write about. So, time will tell and I think all will be fine.
In other news, I see the rabbit for a day and a half this week and am very excited. It’s been the longest gap of time away we have had, but what is also funny is that is not anything I have thought about which shows me nothing but good in the evolution of things. He’s been feeling better lately and his tumbling has increased, but even if he’s not feeling “it” yet, I don’t care as it will be good to just “be”.
Happy weekend.
P.S. – The yelling at a nurse part – which I am adding just for fun. During the middle of this, I stopped to get my weekly shot and was greeted by the nurse who always loudly says “Hey ‘name'” which is a childlike version of my real name that only my Mother and Axel call me. He has done this for four years and I have cringed inside each time; however, yesterday was his mistake.
Let’s just leave it at that.
One of the problems with blogs is that they only share one person’s perspective on the issue. You said you emasculated Axel, but I wonder, did Axel feel emasculated?
Also, here’s the real comment…
I’m not qualified to give advice, nor do I know you, your relationship, or any of the many details beyond what you share here…. but I will share my perspective from my own relationship (now defunct, but otherwise successful) and ask if, perhaps, it might apply to your situation in some way.
When I was with my boy, it took some time for him to understand that I took charge of a situation differently than he would if he were in charge — the approach was different and the results were often different.
When my actions didn’t match up with his vision of how things should be done, that didn’t mean I wasn’t in control or wasn’t doing it “the right way,” it just meant my way was different than his. It was different because we valued different things (depending on the situation).
Let’s say he values towels folded with no raw edges showing. I value towels folded as quickly as possible. If I take control of the towel folding in our relationship and I fold the towels haphazardly, it doesn’t mean I didn’t take charge and it doesn’t mean I did it wrong. It just means the way I dominate towels is different than how he would dominate towels. It means the results of my towel-domination look different than they would if he were towel-dominant.
Anyway, my point is that perhaps Axel doesn’t care as much about the quality of the work as you do, and perhaps he did take charge — he just did it in a way that’s different from what you do when you’re in charge. Maybe he wasn’t being passive about the time the crew would return — maybe he just didn’t care when they’d return.
I hope that makes sense, and again, YMMV. 🙂
(Also, YAY for new countertops! But boo on the dust.)
I am the queen of drama queen moments. There is not one time, without exception, that we have some renovation or major repair done that I don’t throw a fit. We decide what is going to happen, choose materials and Snake is always in charge of installation and appointments. He is much better than me at that. I don’t want to chat with repair people, I don’t want to keep checking up on them and I question way too much No one wants me around.
We put an addition on our house several years ago which included building a garage, closing in a carport, changing the location of the entry door, renovating the kitchen, removing almost 1000 square feet of Saltillo tile and doing new flooring. It took about five months in all. The building of the garage was easy. Then came the inside. The refrigerator was permanently moved to a doorway to block the cats from getting out, which meant I had to go the long way around to get to the kitchen. That entry had a pocket door which had to be constantly closed. The kitchen was completely covered in dust every day. Drywall dust is almost terrible. There were almost daily hissy fits over that.
The worst was the removal of the tile. It hadn’t been put down correctly so all of that tile had to be chipped away with a jackhammer. The noise was terrible and the dust ended up in every part of the house. Snake threatened to send me to a hotel with the kids. I finally ended up spending the days with my parents and he made sure the house was reasonably clean before he would even let me back in.
I’m glad he deals with this stuff because I hate it. 🙂 Amazingly, in spite of all of that, he still keeps coming up with renovation ideas. I can’t imagine why he would want to go through that with me ever again. So, just wanted to let you know that I feel your pain. And, sometimes I think everyone needs a good drama queen moment.
Thank you both for the comments and you are both right, I get it and I think, in retrospect, Axel and I will not be switching these roles at all anymore and will work it out. In this case, I think that I have been incredibly stressed the last three or four weeks not having been home long enough to do anything and I projected some guilt out on him.
To the above though, he knew it was shitty work and just didn’t want to stand up to them. That is the therapist in him because he’s “always neutral”. Like SSC, we went through two things major house wise in the past. One was a tornado where we were very lucky and had one of the few houses that could be lived in, which was then followed two years later by an addition of a second floor and almost 1700sf to an 1100sf house where we lived under blue tarps for 11 months. In those cases, I knew everything and would tease him about “do you even know what this room is going to be?” and, you know what, he didn’t because that is just how it worked and will continue to work.
All that said though, I realized this morning that yesterday Thumper did two things that made him sexier in my eyes, just because. Silly things, but I own that fact that his DILFYness is attractive to me. I felt nothing wrong at all about saying that or feeling that, so, why should I have now felt bad about saying something Axel did made him a bit less sexier in my eyes at that moment? It doesn’t change the fact I love him like mad and that I arrived home to a very sweet little gift I only now realize I have not said thank you for.
It will all pass, but I had to get it out.
In other news, they just finished and the kitchen, while still dusty, looks great. The fancy faucet is like an addiction!
Pardon me for jumping in – but I had to add a bit to the thoughts behind this.
As Charmer mentioned, I handle repairfolk, construction and such. BUT, she is in control of what will be done, what it’s going to have feature-wise and such – or, rather, WE are in the discussions and then she will ultimately choose. But then she essentially hands over the project to me.
I don’t feel like that makes her any less the /D/ in the house, or me any less the /s/ in the house. I just think it’s getting things done the way you want. As the Domme in the house, she gets to pick how she wants it done. If she doesn’t want to deal with the details and just wants it done (usually yesterday), but doesn’t want to run the project, so be it. That’s her choice as much as controlling other more kinky areas.
I say this to point out that being in charge doesn’t mean doing. I constantly have to remind people of this at our company, and I have to keep it in mind at home. Like the other poster said, if you like towels folded a certain way (and you’re in charge) – lucky you – you get to let me know your preference and it’s up to me to step up.
Alternatively, one of the hard-fought lessons we’ve both had to get over in the last year of our own FLR is that my way isn’t necessarily the same as her way, but if it gets done and done to her satisfaction, that’s ok. Doesn’t apply so much in this case, but the handing off but still owning the decisions and household is certainly applicable here.
We all have our strengths – I see being /D/ as being the one to have the final decision, then figure out who should do it. If there are expectations, they have to be explained to the person doing the work (or coordinating or whatever) and then stand back and let them do what they do well.
Not to say that this doesn’t result in Drama (see Charmer’s post) but it can at least make sure you’re optimizing for the people in the relationship.
Just my $0.05 (inflation).
~Steele
I must take really good care of you for you to put up with all of my drama. 🙂
There is “handing all domestic decisions over to the ‘alpha’ because, submission.”
And then there is, “each person brings strengths to a relationship and sometimes it makes no sense for the ‘D’ to be ‘in charge’ of certain tasks.”
And then there is reality.
Glad to hear it worked out, regardless of the frustration(s) along the way.
And just a note about the whole Axel-has-a-bunch-of-degrees thing: My husband is brilliant . . . But he’s not so on-the-ball about some things. I think it’s called Being Human. 😉 It can be a bit irritating. 😛
Once again, you are right. This morning’s post would have been very different three hours later, but, why blog if you wait for emotion to develop? And, you are right about degrees and thinking, my sister has a PhD is Engineering and a PhD in Physics and can’t figure out how to use the navigation in her car to save her life. Ugh.
I’m with Mrs Fever on this:
““each person brings strengths to a relationship and sometimes it makes no sense for the ‘D’ to be ‘in charge’ of certain tasks.”
I’m glad things are getting back on an even keel (and isn’t blogging interesting: If you write in the heat of the moment, it gives MORE weight to things that perhaps don’t deserve it because the moment passes and you are over it, but to readers, it’s a THING because you wrote about it and it’s there in black and white).
Anyway, my observation is this from the dominant perspective: There are (many many) things I don’t enjoy and I’m not particularly interested in or good at (I know, hard to believe, right?! :P).
IF I want to have control of those things because it’s part of our domestic or relationship agreement, but I know he’s better at it, my control is in the form of delegating it. In your example, it would have been “Take care of the kitchen *airy hand wave*“. There, my work is done :).
So perhaps a discussion about how to play to each of your strengths within the D/s framework would be useful so that this doesn’t erode the dynamic. I know you said you’re over it already, but if it happens over and over in other ways, it might end up having an impact: that mind-shift that you mentioned.
Also yay for swish new kitchen!!
Ferns
I love the airy hand wave. You are right, all was good three hours later so I can’t decide if I should blog in the heat of the moment and capture true feelings or whether I should adopt a policy to wait 24 hours. Actually, I think I will make no such rules, but, just ponder next time.
And, you know me and know him almost, we always talk and it was going really well until the “why didn’t you check the strap on the grill?” question (see twitter peeps).
Now, I am going to ponder more…
I feel for you over the grill :(. Yeeps! Still made me laugh though. Because apparently I’m a big meanie pants.
I think this stuff is really valuable to share because examining where your head goes in those moments can be really revealing. Of course you don’t have to blog it for that, but sometimes outsiders see things that you might not see and that can be useful.
You could write it in the heat of the moment and just wait to post. Then you can add an addendum to end the story before you post so people don’t think it’s some huge terrible relationship issue (‘the sky is falling the sky is falling!!’) when it’s not.
I hope you’re having grilled steak for dinner…:)
Ferns
First off, OMG about the 1700sq addition to your house. It is far more ambitious than anything my Daddy and i ever tried. Any chance of getting some pictures of the new kitchen? i’ll bet it looks great!
my own humble viewpoint: It does not make the Dom weaker to pass a task over to the sub if they feel the sub will do it better. I think it shows the Dom’s strength. They are recognizing their sub’s talents and making the best use of them. i would suggest talking with Axel about the whole issue to get His perspective. Does He feel that you emasculated Him by your involvement or was He OK with you taking charge of the issue and resolving it because it is one of your strengths?